On the Card (and fake projected winner):
The Rock vs. John Cena... winner- the onion peeler in the 3rd row
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar... winner- Stephanie McMahon and her screwjob
The Undertaker vs. CM Punk... winner- Paul Bearer's ashes
Jack Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio... winner- What's in Ricardo's pants
Chris Jericho vs. Fan-dan-go... winner- the online movie tickets
Team Hell No vs. Team AJ.... winner- AJ, duh
RYBACK vs. Mark Henry... winner- Goldberg. What's who is Goldberg?
The Funks (but not Terry Funk) vs. Rhodes... and some other people... winner- Not Rhodes' Private Scholar *wink*
Beaker's Brother-Cousin, some guy named Randy... and The Hulk vs. S.h.i.e.l.d. with Phil Coulson... winner- Marvel because they could totally sue on copyright grounds like the WWF did
Wade Barrett vs. The Miz... winner- The fans