a little joy
I know, I know. It's been ages since I've really posted. I'm just feeling a little... stuck. Nothing extraordinary is happening. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing the right thing by moving from WV. I'm a good teacher, and I like it, but I don't love it. And I'm pretty sure teaching is one of those jobs you should love if you're going to do it. It's not fair to my students, and it sure as hell isn't fair to me.
I haven't set foot in a church since I left St MM. I attend mass at school, and still firmly believe in the presence of Christ in each person I meet and in the bread and wine, but I can't keep up the charade for much longer. I sat through MILK with Bob and shook for half the movie, knowing the religion- the social construct founded on the basic beliefs that I know to be true- I have devoted my life to was the shelter and excuse for the hate that continues today. How can I put my energy into something I see as flawed, yet necessary for some people? I guess I'm having a bit of a Luther experience- wanting desperately to change the institution from the inside, but feeling helpless. Soon, I'll break away- not from Catholicism, but from the entire construct. I still see the divinity of the structure. I see where it started and the goodness of men's hearts who simply wanted to be able to touch, taste, hear, and see faith. I don't hate the system. I simply choose to unplug from it.
For now, I'm in neutral, trying to accomplish something great and getting... nowhere. I find myself counting down until my real life can start, the life I'm supposed to live, surrounded by people who love me as much as I love them, and show it. It's not that I don't love my friends out here, and I know they love me, I'm just not as important to them as I'd like. Facebook is a priority. Other things in their life take precedence. I don't blame them. I'm leaving, with the promise to return once a year and meet up at Dragon Con, but still leaving. Why should they put massive amounts of energy into our relationship? In a few months, I won't be around for get-togethers at the Mountaineer or movie nights at Rob's. So what does it matter if they forget to call or don't show up on time?
The great thing is, this isn't depression talking. For the first spring I can remember since I was a sophomore in high school, I'm not depressed. There isn't some great beast clawing at my soul, scream hateful obscenities at me. All is quiet.
There are good things. Jokes over Chinese takeout with the ladies at work. New methods and inspiration at the center. Being a line cheerleader for Biggest Loser auditions. And, best of all, a message last night, when I was spiraling into anger: a cute little voice singing "In Heaven There is No Beer." A tiny reminder of the dear family in DC I miss, and will go to see very soon.
I haven't set foot in a church since I left St MM. I attend mass at school, and still firmly believe in the presence of Christ in each person I meet and in the bread and wine, but I can't keep up the charade for much longer. I sat through MILK with Bob and shook for half the movie, knowing the religion- the social construct founded on the basic beliefs that I know to be true- I have devoted my life to was the shelter and excuse for the hate that continues today. How can I put my energy into something I see as flawed, yet necessary for some people? I guess I'm having a bit of a Luther experience- wanting desperately to change the institution from the inside, but feeling helpless. Soon, I'll break away- not from Catholicism, but from the entire construct. I still see the divinity of the structure. I see where it started and the goodness of men's hearts who simply wanted to be able to touch, taste, hear, and see faith. I don't hate the system. I simply choose to unplug from it.
For now, I'm in neutral, trying to accomplish something great and getting... nowhere. I find myself counting down until my real life can start, the life I'm supposed to live, surrounded by people who love me as much as I love them, and show it. It's not that I don't love my friends out here, and I know they love me, I'm just not as important to them as I'd like. Facebook is a priority. Other things in their life take precedence. I don't blame them. I'm leaving, with the promise to return once a year and meet up at Dragon Con, but still leaving. Why should they put massive amounts of energy into our relationship? In a few months, I won't be around for get-togethers at the Mountaineer or movie nights at Rob's. So what does it matter if they forget to call or don't show up on time?
The great thing is, this isn't depression talking. For the first spring I can remember since I was a sophomore in high school, I'm not depressed. There isn't some great beast clawing at my soul, scream hateful obscenities at me. All is quiet.
There are good things. Jokes over Chinese takeout with the ladies at work. New methods and inspiration at the center. Being a line cheerleader for Biggest Loser auditions. And, best of all, a message last night, when I was spiraling into anger: a cute little voice singing "In Heaven There is No Beer." A tiny reminder of the dear family in DC I miss, and will go to see very soon.