parents vs. non-parents
sometimes i feel as though the unspoken rift between parents and non-parents is as fueled as the 'debate' about abortion. even the subject line for this entry: what do i call people without children? "childless?" inferring then people who are barren, lost, or 'cruelly' decide not to procreate? i nearly feel it's akin to right-to-lifers calling doctors "abortionists," implying that certain health care providers are seedy, dark worker bees, cutting unsuspecting "babies" out of evil women's wombs and robbing said "babies" of their right to grow.
among various friends - parents, and non-parents - there is always polite discussion about the other side's choices or situations. to have or have not: under what circumstances is it more or less selfish to have children than not to have children. as another birthday came and went, as mother's day approaches, and as i've been feeling overly sentimental about children in general lately, this has been weighing heavily on my mind. when i was younger i thought to myself, i'm gonna have children and i'm gonna be the best_mother_ever and i'll show her (my mother) how it's suppsoed to be done. as i got older, i thought it would selfish of me to bear a child when i'm still an overgrown child myself. and this thought lingered for years, until i convinced myself i didn't want to have children anymore, the conviction i think sometimes true, sometimes a defense mechanism about a life that has no room for a child in it.
i read slit's post about seeing her child nearly getting hit by a car...i know children whose lives i'd lay down my own for, yet still, i'll never know what it's like to be a parent. i felt sad, and i felt angry (deprived? affronted?) i recalled the nanosecond of foretought when i was pushing my friend's child in her stroller across the street: whoa, slow down chickadee, you're not on your own here - you have a child on your hands, don't keep inching into the street, wait for the all clear...
then i got to thinking how arrogant parents can be about the subject, and also, how arrogant those without children can be about same. last week, carrying way too many bags (work papers, computer, etc.), i heard the "ert! "ert! ert!" alerting passengers that a train was approaching, and i flew down the subway steps with great speed but with vigilance that my baggage wouldn't topple me. i noticed a seemingly very young, grungy couple coming up the stairs as i flew down; they made way for me, but the little woman muttered "cunt!" and in a flash i saw she was wearing a baby sling and held what appeared to be a newborn baby to her chest. i muttered "fuck you!" back. on the train, bags set down in on my lap and between my legs, i seeeethed. i hadn't seen any baby, and doesn't that woman know i wouldn't trample anyone, much less a mother with her little baby? breathing heavily, i seethed even more, thinking "you righteous fuck! you have a child so the rest of the world has to roll out the red carpet and make way, applaud you, kowtow to every need you may/may not have?!" that grungy twerp's "cunt!" resonated through my, prompting irrational anger on my part, and my reaction settled inside me like so much unwanted dead weight. (here is where parents think, how could you jump in a split second from talking about a child almost getting hit by a car - and her mother's life-altering reaction to it - to your little non-problem trying to catch a train? non-parents might not have noticed the leap at all...)
you mean, i'm the cunt? fuck you! the world is full of people-without-children, and we have to catch our trains just like you do, we want to eat dinner in a restaurant in peace, we want to see movies without hearing your baby cry, yeah, we even get annoyed when we have to wait longer at the airport while you herd your offspring and check your strollers. all that make us selfish cunts? i'm more than happy to lend a helping hand - when i can; it takes a village and all that - but your child doesn't always trump my life. you wanted children - you got children...deal with it.
angry post, i know. like i said, nearly as heated as the abortion debate.
ironic.
among various friends - parents, and non-parents - there is always polite discussion about the other side's choices or situations. to have or have not: under what circumstances is it more or less selfish to have children than not to have children. as another birthday came and went, as mother's day approaches, and as i've been feeling overly sentimental about children in general lately, this has been weighing heavily on my mind. when i was younger i thought to myself, i'm gonna have children and i'm gonna be the best_mother_ever and i'll show her (my mother) how it's suppsoed to be done. as i got older, i thought it would selfish of me to bear a child when i'm still an overgrown child myself. and this thought lingered for years, until i convinced myself i didn't want to have children anymore, the conviction i think sometimes true, sometimes a defense mechanism about a life that has no room for a child in it.
i read slit's post about seeing her child nearly getting hit by a car...i know children whose lives i'd lay down my own for, yet still, i'll never know what it's like to be a parent. i felt sad, and i felt angry (deprived? affronted?) i recalled the nanosecond of foretought when i was pushing my friend's child in her stroller across the street: whoa, slow down chickadee, you're not on your own here - you have a child on your hands, don't keep inching into the street, wait for the all clear...
then i got to thinking how arrogant parents can be about the subject, and also, how arrogant those without children can be about same. last week, carrying way too many bags (work papers, computer, etc.), i heard the "ert! "ert! ert!" alerting passengers that a train was approaching, and i flew down the subway steps with great speed but with vigilance that my baggage wouldn't topple me. i noticed a seemingly very young, grungy couple coming up the stairs as i flew down; they made way for me, but the little woman muttered "cunt!" and in a flash i saw she was wearing a baby sling and held what appeared to be a newborn baby to her chest. i muttered "fuck you!" back. on the train, bags set down in on my lap and between my legs, i seeeethed. i hadn't seen any baby, and doesn't that woman know i wouldn't trample anyone, much less a mother with her little baby? breathing heavily, i seethed even more, thinking "you righteous fuck! you have a child so the rest of the world has to roll out the red carpet and make way, applaud you, kowtow to every need you may/may not have?!" that grungy twerp's "cunt!" resonated through my, prompting irrational anger on my part, and my reaction settled inside me like so much unwanted dead weight. (here is where parents think, how could you jump in a split second from talking about a child almost getting hit by a car - and her mother's life-altering reaction to it - to your little non-problem trying to catch a train? non-parents might not have noticed the leap at all...)
you mean, i'm the cunt? fuck you! the world is full of people-without-children, and we have to catch our trains just like you do, we want to eat dinner in a restaurant in peace, we want to see movies without hearing your baby cry, yeah, we even get annoyed when we have to wait longer at the airport while you herd your offspring and check your strollers. all that make us selfish cunts? i'm more than happy to lend a helping hand - when i can; it takes a village and all that - but your child doesn't always trump my life. you wanted children - you got children...deal with it.
angry post, i know. like i said, nearly as heated as the abortion debate.
ironic.