closure
When we talk about Nice Guys - in the negative sense - we often talk about them in terms of how they deal with the women who have not given them the kind of love they were looking for, or felt they deserved. We have countless blogs which are dedicated to making fun of guys (notably on OKCupid) who have taken what is clearly their less-than-stellar luck in dating and funneled it into a barely-repressed disdain for women as a whole. And making fun of this is largely positive, I feel, as we should be drawing attention to this kind of attitude as a society. We should make it unacceptable and shameful to become deeply sexist because you have rejected just one too many times.
It is easy to identify a Nice Guy, or to make an amalgam of all of his qualities (topped off by the signature fedora, of course). And it’s safe to say that most of us know a guy like this in our daily lives. Speaking personally, I have engaged in enough “lame” extra-curricular activities in my life to have accrued a veritable smorgasbord of Nice Guys in my Facebook friends. And yes, many of them have sported a fedora on more than one occasion. We are familiar with these people because, unless you were lucky enough to move in a social circle entirely comprised of unfailing Casanovas, chances are high that there was a lot of unrequited love going on around you.
But what makes these Nice Guys so quick to subvert that pain of unrequited love - whether from one individual or from a thousand societal directions - into a palpable hatred for women? There are surely millions of men who have lived through rejection and managed to hold onto a fundamental respect for women, and move onto a real relationship. Perhaps what is most significant in the Nice Guy syndrome is that their rejection is not entirely based on their love lives. A lot of them are what we would not typically consider an alpha male (they’re a bit geeky, not conventionally attractive, somewhat socially awkward), and so their lives have been undoubtedly been littered with rejection from all over. They were not good enough for this team, not cool enough for that party, not desirable enough for that girl. The women who rejected them are but one bullet point in a longer list, for many of these Nice Guys.
The only difference in the rejection they may have faced from a few bros in math class and the pretty girl who didn't want to go to dinner is that a hatred towards her is perfectly acceptable. It is reinforced in society, told that it is healthy and righteous. “She was a bitch,” we say, “She’s just a dumb slut who wants to get fucked by a bunch of assholes and doesn't care about actually being with a good guy.” To accept that you may be a bit socially maladroit, or that you have interests or a personality which generally relegates you to a more passive social role, is not easy. To blame this unhappiness on a woman saying “No” is. And even though the real enemy in all of this is the gender role which insist that a man’s worth is largely determined by his social prowess and traditional masculinity (which associates the feminine with the weak and undesirable), to point the finger at something as nebulous as patriarchy would be absurd. Much, much easier to blame the girl who didn't call you back.
Of course, nearly everyone wants a nice guy. But no woman should be blamed for turning down a Nice Guy. Because the most fundamental, important difference between the two is that an actual nice man, upon being rejected, knows that the woman who said “No” is not immediately deserving of scorn. She is not the source of some grave universal injustice that is being enacted upon him, a medium for all that is wrong with this world. He is more than capable of either turning that gaze inward - “Is there something I could be improving in myself to make myself a more attractive partner?” - or moving on entirely with an optimistic “Well, you can’t win them all.” A Nice Guy, however, never wants to ask himself what he could be possibly doing wrong, or the societal pressures which are forcing him into a role he is not comfortable occupying. His only move is to express his disdain for the woman who turned him down, because no matter how exigent he can be about his possible partners, her using her own discretion is simply out of the question. After all, he’s so Nice, he deserves to have her.
/ comment: I've noticed that the problem is that they are allowing themselves to develop feelings too quickly/easily. It's just a truth that some people are more magnetic than others. Some people are smarter, some people are more physically attractive - we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Generally, "Nice Guys" get so discouraged about their lack of magnetism that they can't be bothered to focus on what they actually are good at..thus entering this melancholy spiral to self-discouragement. Then it becomes this "thing" where any girl they meet becomes a potential girlfriend. Like: "HEY, first come, first serve!" They get to the point where they're willing to give themselves to just about anybody who will take them - but instead of waiting until after they can tell if a woman wants them, they just let their emotions flow like Niagara Falls which inevitably always leads to disappointment. & Of course, woman can smell desperation from a mile away, which is one of the most unattractive qualities I can think of in any person because it just means a lack of self-worth.
In agreeance with the article, though, I do believe that "Nice Guys" have a tendency to direct their anger in the wrong way from time to time. I truly believe that the only thing that makes a "Nice Guy" is a lack of confidence. I know plenty of nice guys that get woman - and its with confidence. They can be confident in who they are AND be nice just-because. With the "Nice Guys" I know, I almost feel like they're only sooo nice because of their low self-esteem and if they were more confident, they wouldn't be so nice at all. So, deep down, these "Nice Guys" are aware of their lack of confidence and what comes with it and almost expect woman to see that and just feel sympathy for them - so much so, that they "give them a chance." & If someone isn't willing to enter into a relationship with them simply out of guilt or compassion for the deep suffering the "Nice Guy" goes through, then she's just a "bitch."
// recently i came across this article and it immediately reminded me of some guys that i know. guy and girl meet, girl is nice to guy (which is natural), guy and girl develop friendship and become closer, guy misunderstands girl's niceness and fall for her, but girl doesn't like guy as she just want to be friends, relationship sours, guy meets another girl and repeats all the steps.
niceness is no longer a redeeming feature. everyone is nice, it is no longer special. instead of thinking that "i am nice therefore she has to be with me. if she doesn't, she is just a bitch who doesn't know what she is missing out on", how about reflecting and think about how yourself is as a person? guys like that are just causing distress for girls who have rejected them. if a guy is "nice", girls tend to worry about him more after rejection.
i feel so stupid for worrying so much about Amandus especially i knew what happened. he confessed to another girl after i rejected him in like less than a month? what are you doing seriously? all i hope is that he can reflect and improve himself before going after another girl. if not, he is just going to face more rejections. i hope our paths never cross again.
It is easy to identify a Nice Guy, or to make an amalgam of all of his qualities (topped off by the signature fedora, of course). And it’s safe to say that most of us know a guy like this in our daily lives. Speaking personally, I have engaged in enough “lame” extra-curricular activities in my life to have accrued a veritable smorgasbord of Nice Guys in my Facebook friends. And yes, many of them have sported a fedora on more than one occasion. We are familiar with these people because, unless you were lucky enough to move in a social circle entirely comprised of unfailing Casanovas, chances are high that there was a lot of unrequited love going on around you.
But what makes these Nice Guys so quick to subvert that pain of unrequited love - whether from one individual or from a thousand societal directions - into a palpable hatred for women? There are surely millions of men who have lived through rejection and managed to hold onto a fundamental respect for women, and move onto a real relationship. Perhaps what is most significant in the Nice Guy syndrome is that their rejection is not entirely based on their love lives. A lot of them are what we would not typically consider an alpha male (they’re a bit geeky, not conventionally attractive, somewhat socially awkward), and so their lives have been undoubtedly been littered with rejection from all over. They were not good enough for this team, not cool enough for that party, not desirable enough for that girl. The women who rejected them are but one bullet point in a longer list, for many of these Nice Guys.
The only difference in the rejection they may have faced from a few bros in math class and the pretty girl who didn't want to go to dinner is that a hatred towards her is perfectly acceptable. It is reinforced in society, told that it is healthy and righteous. “She was a bitch,” we say, “She’s just a dumb slut who wants to get fucked by a bunch of assholes and doesn't care about actually being with a good guy.” To accept that you may be a bit socially maladroit, or that you have interests or a personality which generally relegates you to a more passive social role, is not easy. To blame this unhappiness on a woman saying “No” is. And even though the real enemy in all of this is the gender role which insist that a man’s worth is largely determined by his social prowess and traditional masculinity (which associates the feminine with the weak and undesirable), to point the finger at something as nebulous as patriarchy would be absurd. Much, much easier to blame the girl who didn't call you back.
Of course, nearly everyone wants a nice guy. But no woman should be blamed for turning down a Nice Guy. Because the most fundamental, important difference between the two is that an actual nice man, upon being rejected, knows that the woman who said “No” is not immediately deserving of scorn. She is not the source of some grave universal injustice that is being enacted upon him, a medium for all that is wrong with this world. He is more than capable of either turning that gaze inward - “Is there something I could be improving in myself to make myself a more attractive partner?” - or moving on entirely with an optimistic “Well, you can’t win them all.” A Nice Guy, however, never wants to ask himself what he could be possibly doing wrong, or the societal pressures which are forcing him into a role he is not comfortable occupying. His only move is to express his disdain for the woman who turned him down, because no matter how exigent he can be about his possible partners, her using her own discretion is simply out of the question. After all, he’s so Nice, he deserves to have her.
/ comment: I've noticed that the problem is that they are allowing themselves to develop feelings too quickly/easily. It's just a truth that some people are more magnetic than others. Some people are smarter, some people are more physically attractive - we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Generally, "Nice Guys" get so discouraged about their lack of magnetism that they can't be bothered to focus on what they actually are good at..thus entering this melancholy spiral to self-discouragement. Then it becomes this "thing" where any girl they meet becomes a potential girlfriend. Like: "HEY, first come, first serve!" They get to the point where they're willing to give themselves to just about anybody who will take them - but instead of waiting until after they can tell if a woman wants them, they just let their emotions flow like Niagara Falls which inevitably always leads to disappointment. & Of course, woman can smell desperation from a mile away, which is one of the most unattractive qualities I can think of in any person because it just means a lack of self-worth.
In agreeance with the article, though, I do believe that "Nice Guys" have a tendency to direct their anger in the wrong way from time to time. I truly believe that the only thing that makes a "Nice Guy" is a lack of confidence. I know plenty of nice guys that get woman - and its with confidence. They can be confident in who they are AND be nice just-because. With the "Nice Guys" I know, I almost feel like they're only sooo nice because of their low self-esteem and if they were more confident, they wouldn't be so nice at all. So, deep down, these "Nice Guys" are aware of their lack of confidence and what comes with it and almost expect woman to see that and just feel sympathy for them - so much so, that they "give them a chance." & If someone isn't willing to enter into a relationship with them simply out of guilt or compassion for the deep suffering the "Nice Guy" goes through, then she's just a "bitch."
// recently i came across this article and it immediately reminded me of some guys that i know. guy and girl meet, girl is nice to guy (which is natural), guy and girl develop friendship and become closer, guy misunderstands girl's niceness and fall for her, but girl doesn't like guy as she just want to be friends, relationship sours, guy meets another girl and repeats all the steps.
niceness is no longer a redeeming feature. everyone is nice, it is no longer special. instead of thinking that "i am nice therefore she has to be with me. if she doesn't, she is just a bitch who doesn't know what she is missing out on", how about reflecting and think about how yourself is as a person? guys like that are just causing distress for girls who have rejected them. if a guy is "nice", girls tend to worry about him more after rejection.
i feel so stupid for worrying so much about Amandus especially i knew what happened. he confessed to another girl after i rejected him in like less than a month? what are you doing seriously? all i hope is that he can reflect and improve himself before going after another girl. if not, he is just going to face more rejections. i hope our paths never cross again.