(no subject)
Things I am afraid of
9. I’m afraid I’ve wasted too much of my life stressing about things that wouldn’t matter a week later, pining over people who didn’t deserve my romantic longing and getting depressed over someone who probably wasn’t even thinking about me at all. I’m afraid that I can only give love to people I know will hurt me and that I know it won’t work out with so I won’t have to do the work of really loving someone up-close or know what’s it’s truly like to be loved back. If the right kind of love came into my life, the kind I deserve and have been waiting for, I wonder if I’d be able to accept it.
10. I’m afraid that if I told that someone that I love them, they would think it was stupid - like the Valentines’ card you give to a girl in third grade that you know just gets thrown away. I don’t want to be thrown away. If they said it back, I’m afraid that it’s been so long since I’ve loved somebody the real way that I don’t remember how.
11. I’m afraid I wasn’t good enough for him, and that’s why he didn’t love me anymore. Years of him telling me that wasn’t the case haven’t put to rest this nagging idea. I’m still afraid that no one could love me if they knew the real me, the one that laughs too loud, loves too hard, kisses too much and stinks up the bathroom. I think I fart too much. I know I fart too much.
14. I’m afraid I attach too much self-worth to what other people think of me, how many Facebook likes I get or whether he calls. I always overanalyze what it means when he doesn’t call, even though I know I shouldn’t. I hate that I always expect him not to call and am surprised when he does, that I naturally just expect the worst.
15. I’m afraid I’ve been trained to only see the worst in people or that I expect too much out of them and it drives them away. I know this is a metaphor for expecting too much of myself, and I hate that I’m not more complex than a Psych 101 class.
19. I’m afraid that everything inside of me is unoriginal and not worthy of saying out loud, and when I’m at a party around a bunch of people I don’t know, I usually don’t speak because I’m worried they won’t understand. Sometimes I don’t open my mouth because I’m worried about what will come out if I do.
20. I’m afraid that I’m not close enough with my friends and that they’re all closer to each other than they are to me - because I’m not around as much. I’m always working, always writing and always trying to be something, even if I don’t know what yet. When I’m not around so much of the time, I think they think I don’t care or that my love is less valid because they can’t see it. I want to be the person who goes to everyone’s birthday party and shows up with the most perfect present, one that shows I know exactly what they want, that I know who they are. I wish I saw that surprised joy in people’s faces more often.
22. I’m afraid that now that I’ve grown up that this isn’t the person I wanted to be - even though I technically got a lot of the things that I wanted, and I’m so lucky. I’m afraid that means I don’t deserve my luck.
23. I’m afraid that my worries and concerns are boring and not worthy of sharing with other people, so when people ask me how I am, I say “fine” and I ask them how they are instead. They ask me if something’s wrong, and I tell them nothing. I’m terrified about what would happen if I told them what was wrong, that they wouldn’t care, that they would only pretend to care or that they would just tell me not to worry and everything’s going to be okay. I’m just being emo. I afraid I wouldn’t be able to tell them what’s wrong if they were ready to listen. I don’t think I know.