well let's talk about love. and that w-word!
I can't decide where I stand at walmart well this walmart anyway, because every day is different. I'm so incredibly bored there that I have no words. What am I to do tomorrow? I could go in at 6 am and watch her do cash office....but....I get so tired when I'm in the cash office, I fall asleep.
RosLynn and Steven are at the Daddy daughter dance. I wish I could've went it! I guess I was able to, but that's ok it's good for them to spend time together. I guess RosLynn won a raffle contest. And she's having tons of fun.
I was thinking why am I more comfortable writing in here than my myspace...and it hit, it's just more private and nice writing here. I feel safe, secure, and happy....plus only a select few have access to my thinking.
Moving on. So the debate is on in a few topics.
1: should I go in at 6? or go in at 7? I'll want to go in at 6...but end up going at 7 because I'm lazy. Yeah that sounds good.
2: I was really thinking about a lot. I am thinking a lot about being engaged. It's not a big deal to some people, but it really is to me. I want to say yes and do it. But I'm scared. There are so many things that keep going through my mind. So when I want to tell steven yes...I can't. I keep thinking this is such a commitment, what if something goes wrong? I don't know. I have trust issues. I have settling down issues. I have thinking issues...hell I just have issues.
I think about it alot. I think about having kids. I think about what I want to do. I think about moving in a house with 3 bedrooms. One for me, RosLynn, and another for a baby.
But then I'm glad I don't have that. It's so much responsibility that I'm sure if I'm ready. I love steven, but I have so many things that make me scared. I don't know. I always think my intuition is the key to my success.
But I'm so indecisive that my intuition gets torn in between any thoughts I think about. He hurt me. I don't want it to happen again. I'm scared to let him have that option. But I'm ok. I guess.
I don't like things to get too serious because it's so messy if things don't go right. ya know? I mean what if it's not meant to be? But I can't picture myself with ANYONE else. I've tried! Well when I was mad I did. And even when I hated his guts, I couldn't see myself with anyone other than him. I know relationships have problems. But I get so insecure sometimes. That it scares me. Besides love is blind...and so are all of the recipients.
lol it's funny because as I write this, I keep visualizing some shakespearan play going through my head like, "to be or not to be? That is the question." But alas, the answer still perplexes my poor soul.
If we could read our future, I wonder if that would help or make things worse. I don't know. I mean sometimes when an issue gets so complicated that I begin to think too much about it, I just decide, "to hell with it...A decision is better than NO decision." And you know what? IF it's not to be between Steven and I, then it's not. I'll learn from it. I don't know. Now I'm getting indecisive again. I keep thinking....I mean to make a promise to God....and break it...that's so wrong to me. But I suppose the logic is there behind it. What's to be is to be. And what's not...well is not. haha! But where do you place one's self?
I don't know I don't know!
I don't like to think about it so much. Just because I don't like being indecisive and this is such a big decision. But if it's not to be? Why am I thinking about it so much lately? And to be honest, my intuition is telling me to do it....but my brain isn't there yet!
Aye me! Fuckin' walmart...this is all your fault!
RosLynn and Steven are at the Daddy daughter dance. I wish I could've went it! I guess I was able to, but that's ok it's good for them to spend time together. I guess RosLynn won a raffle contest. And she's having tons of fun.
I was thinking why am I more comfortable writing in here than my myspace...and it hit, it's just more private and nice writing here. I feel safe, secure, and happy....plus only a select few have access to my thinking.
Moving on. So the debate is on in a few topics.
1: should I go in at 6? or go in at 7? I'll want to go in at 6...but end up going at 7 because I'm lazy. Yeah that sounds good.
2: I was really thinking about a lot. I am thinking a lot about being engaged. It's not a big deal to some people, but it really is to me. I want to say yes and do it. But I'm scared. There are so many things that keep going through my mind. So when I want to tell steven yes...I can't. I keep thinking this is such a commitment, what if something goes wrong? I don't know. I have trust issues. I have settling down issues. I have thinking issues...hell I just have issues.
I think about it alot. I think about having kids. I think about what I want to do. I think about moving in a house with 3 bedrooms. One for me, RosLynn, and another for a baby.
But then I'm glad I don't have that. It's so much responsibility that I'm sure if I'm ready. I love steven, but I have so many things that make me scared. I don't know. I always think my intuition is the key to my success.
But I'm so indecisive that my intuition gets torn in between any thoughts I think about. He hurt me. I don't want it to happen again. I'm scared to let him have that option. But I'm ok. I guess.
I don't like things to get too serious because it's so messy if things don't go right. ya know? I mean what if it's not meant to be? But I can't picture myself with ANYONE else. I've tried! Well when I was mad I did. And even when I hated his guts, I couldn't see myself with anyone other than him. I know relationships have problems. But I get so insecure sometimes. That it scares me. Besides love is blind...and so are all of the recipients.
lol it's funny because as I write this, I keep visualizing some shakespearan play going through my head like, "to be or not to be? That is the question." But alas, the answer still perplexes my poor soul.
If we could read our future, I wonder if that would help or make things worse. I don't know. I mean sometimes when an issue gets so complicated that I begin to think too much about it, I just decide, "to hell with it...A decision is better than NO decision." And you know what? IF it's not to be between Steven and I, then it's not. I'll learn from it. I don't know. Now I'm getting indecisive again. I keep thinking....I mean to make a promise to God....and break it...that's so wrong to me. But I suppose the logic is there behind it. What's to be is to be. And what's not...well is not. haha! But where do you place one's self?
I don't know I don't know!
I don't like to think about it so much. Just because I don't like being indecisive and this is such a big decision. But if it's not to be? Why am I thinking about it so much lately? And to be honest, my intuition is telling me to do it....but my brain isn't there yet!
Aye me! Fuckin' walmart...this is all your fault!