(no subject)
So I got told I was looking fat today by the acting department head. Again. Though it has been two years or so since the last time he said it. He said I need to lose the weight by showcase, which is April 18th.
See, he's right. And I'm tired of people telling me, "Oh... it's okay! You look great, you're not fat at all! That's ridiculous!" because ultimately, it's true, I have gained some weight and I need to lose it in order to be more castable in the business.
It's just... I know what it takes to lose weight. The same thing it takes to get straight A's- a neurosis. For grades, it's the neurosis that you're going to fail, and I see that in people I know with 4.0's. For weight, it's just a neurosis about body image, and I'm really, really tired of having shitty body image. I've hated my body for years and I don't want to anymore, and with Nick and just in general I've been feeling better about it, better about myself and people who want me and all that stuff. I'm so tired of worrying about it, and I don't want to go to the gym every day and I don't want to feel bad about eating things and... it just fucking sucks.
Today's been a miserable day. I have no money, my scenes for showcase suck, and my part in Urinetown blows. Also, my face is looking chubby.
I was so happy yesterday, too...
See, he's right. And I'm tired of people telling me, "Oh... it's okay! You look great, you're not fat at all! That's ridiculous!" because ultimately, it's true, I have gained some weight and I need to lose it in order to be more castable in the business.
It's just... I know what it takes to lose weight. The same thing it takes to get straight A's- a neurosis. For grades, it's the neurosis that you're going to fail, and I see that in people I know with 4.0's. For weight, it's just a neurosis about body image, and I'm really, really tired of having shitty body image. I've hated my body for years and I don't want to anymore, and with Nick and just in general I've been feeling better about it, better about myself and people who want me and all that stuff. I'm so tired of worrying about it, and I don't want to go to the gym every day and I don't want to feel bad about eating things and... it just fucking sucks.
Today's been a miserable day. I have no money, my scenes for showcase suck, and my part in Urinetown blows. Also, my face is looking chubby.
I was so happy yesterday, too...