Okay. Why.
The Attic (2007)
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I continue to watch B horror movies like they're my lifeline or some shit. And this movie did me one better by including a mentally challenged character so now I feel like a giant piece of garbage for criticizing it at all. But I call it like I see it, and that character was probably the best acted so he can be the king of this steaming pile. So let's do this thing.
I spent the entire length of the movie convinced that the actress who plays Emma, the main character, is someone I should know or at least pretend to know when speaking with film douches, but I just couldn't place where I'd seen her before, and even after it was over and I looked her up, I still have no clue. She's been in plenty of things that I've seen, just not anything that I can remember her in. It's okay. She's clearly crazy. And so is her character, but that's a spoiler and I refuse to apologize because you really shouldn't be looking forward to watching this anyway.
There's a love interest, 'Ken' as we called him, 'Trevor' as the movie insists on referring to him. They meet, he's dreamy, and three days later (or 23 minutes by the counter) they're making out in the kitchen. Ken then spends the remainder of the film popping in and out of scenes looking more and more Ken-like and chiseled as the story goes on. They were tanning and misting him at every take, I swear on everything I know and love.
The absolute highlight of this film? Claude Hooper Bukowski. Or, if you're into the concept of real names, John Savage. The moment where I sat up straight in my chair and called to my sister across the room, "IS THAT THE DUDE FROM HAIR" will go with me to my death and if the last words to grace my lips on my death bed are "Claude Hooper Bukowski, thinks that it's groovy to hide in a movie" I will be assured that the afterlife will be good. Or, at the very least, I'll be assured that I once had some sense of what makes a good movie and what doesn't. In the case of John Savage and Hair VS The Attic, it's hair and music. And hippies. And Treat.
I should have just watched Deep Rising again.
The Attic sucked. The characters sucked. Ken sucked. Everything sucked. Why the hell did I even do this.