This is a nice start. It could definitely use another pass through a beta because there are some punctuation and formatting errors still. They aren't major problems, but they do distract from your story. Also, keep in mind that most of these comments (other than the formatting comments) are just my opinions, so take them or leave them as you choose.
I liked the whole explanation of Mandalorian beauty, and those are traits that Canderous would find attractive, I think. I also agree that Canderous would not get along necessarily with most of the rest of the crew, at least without some major character development. Although I do picture him getting along with Jolee... because Jolee, while a smartass, is a pretty intelligent man as well as rather non-judgmental about things (as opposed to say, Carth). In addition, Canderous likes telling his war stories, so he probably wouldn’t mind if Mission asked him about them (although I can see him getting annoyed by her bubbly personality).
A couple of things:
Unless the number is really large (123,456), or a model number (XN-45) you should spell out numbers in the narrative, because it is smoother to read it that way. Also, ship names are italicized (i.e. the Ebon Hawk)
Every time a new person speaks, their dialogue should be a separate paragraph. For example, this:
Revan nodded. "I'm leaving the Jedi. I don't want to do this anymore. I can understand why they did what they did to me, but I'm not about to continue to be their pawn." Canderous looked at her face; she was grim, determined and perhaps even a little angry. Canderous sighed" I can't blame you. I don't think they will either. What's our spoiled little Jedi princess had to say about it?"
Should be this:
Revan nodded. "I'm leaving the Jedi. I don't want to do this anymore. I can understand why they did what they did to me, but I'm not about to continue to be their pawn."
Canderous looked at her face; she was grim, determined and perhaps even a little angry. Canderous sighed" I can't blame you. I don't think they will either. What's our spoiled little Jedi princess had to say about it?"
This is just my opinion, but I'm not certain that Revan would giggle, or rather, that Canderous would respect and fall for a woman who giggles. Laughing, yes... but the word giggle has rather girlish connotations.
Would Canderous go outside the ship without his armor or weapons on a planet that is as dangerous as the Rakatan planet?
Anyway... I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next!
I liked the whole explanation of Mandalorian beauty, and those are traits that Canderous would find attractive, I think. I also agree that Canderous would not get along necessarily with most of the rest of the crew, at least without some major character development. Although I do picture him getting along with Jolee... because Jolee, while a smartass, is a pretty intelligent man as well as rather non-judgmental about things (as opposed to say, Carth). In addition, Canderous likes telling his war stories, so he probably wouldn’t mind if Mission asked him about them (although I can see him getting annoyed by her bubbly personality).
A couple of things:
Unless the number is really large (123,456), or a model number (XN-45) you should spell out numbers in the narrative, because it is smoother to read it that way. Also, ship names are italicized (i.e. the Ebon Hawk)
Every time a new person speaks, their dialogue should be a separate paragraph. For example, this:
Revan nodded. "I'm leaving the Jedi. I don't want to do this anymore. I can understand why they did what they did to me, but I'm not about to continue to be their pawn." Canderous looked at her face; she was grim, determined and perhaps even a little angry. Canderous sighed" I can't blame you. I don't think they will either. What's our spoiled little Jedi princess had to say about it?"
Should be this:
Revan nodded. "I'm leaving the Jedi. I don't want to do this anymore. I can understand why they did what they did to me, but I'm not about to continue to be their pawn."
Canderous looked at her face; she was grim, determined and perhaps even a little angry. Canderous sighed" I can't blame you. I don't think they will either. What's our spoiled little Jedi princess had to say about it?"
This is just my opinion, but I'm not certain that Revan would giggle, or rather, that Canderous would respect and fall for a woman who giggles. Laughing, yes... but the word giggle has rather girlish connotations.
Would Canderous go outside the ship without his armor or weapons on a planet that is as dangerous as the Rakatan planet?
Anyway... I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next!
Reply
Leave a comment