The Best of Me
Very few people have ever seen the real me. I don't open myself up to people much... past pain, constant insecurity from that pain, low self-esteem. I don't ask for sympathy or blame others. I know people have been catching on to the fact that I'm not myself a lot. I act like I really enjoy the same music as people, love the same food, enjoy the same movies, everything is more important than me as long as it's more important to them... just so the other person might like me more and consider me less difficult. It's not that I like being a pushover, and it's often why I complain to the friends im closest to. I just thought about it, and noticed everyone saying that no one can make someone else happy. You have to honestly like yourself. I can't stand myself most of the time, so by keeping others happy and comfortable, it's like I'm keeping myself happy and comforted. The problem with that is that it eventually falls back on me and tears me apart. I have fallen into the trap of conforming to what others want, and what I think they expect. I'm ready to show the real me again, I'm just really afraid of being rejected. Friends have not always stuck by my side... I'm not sure what relationships are really strong, so I try to strengthen them by trying to make the other person as happy as possible. Here are the things that are real, even though some people may think I'm acting: I care about people, A LOT! I would do anything and everything in my power to make everyone around me happy. A lot of the time, I put my own happiness aside just to make sure things are alright with them. People may notice me asking them, "are you okay?" frequently, and it's because if I look at someone and think they seem upset, I won't be satisfied unless they tell me they are ok, if I can help them in some way, or if they ask me to leave them alone. I'm not trying to be involve myself in other problems, but if there is any way I can help someone, even if it's jsut making a stupid face and getting a smile.. I'll try. It's something that won't change for a while. If I keep people happy, it makes me happy. I never lie about liking someone. If I don't like someone, I will stop talking to them and make it pretty obvious. I dont' want to be mean or hurtful, but honestly, no one can be friends with the world. There are some people that just don't make good friends... so when I feel that nothing will really happen, I try to just let it fade. Oh, and BIG hint: If I seem to always lie to you and tell you things are alright all the time, even when you know it's not possible for me to be THAT cool, it's because I REALLY like you and don't want to lose you. I'm actually now paranoid about people not liking people with low confidence, and I'll lose friends just by spitting this out. Point is, I'm not really emotionally stable. I'm getting there, and things are going to get better now. Just as long as people who really care about me help me and are there for me... I do need others, not to make me happy.. but everyone needs other people for support sometimes. Anyhow!!! Here are some other things most people don't know about me. I'm not a liar in the sense that I do it to hurt others, but I lie about a lot in order to 'fit in' I guess. Not to be cool, or impress people who aren't my friends.. but mostly to people I know well. For example: I like rock. I don't know a lot about bands, I don't know a lot of band names, lyrics, etc. I simply like music. I don't live music, I don't focus on learning every lyric and new band daily. It's just not who I am, but music seems to be so important to some people. People actually base relationships with others depending on the type of music they like and are knowledgable about... so, when they say they like a band and I think I may have heard of it, I say I like it. I say I love certain songs, when I really only kind of like them. I'm sick of pretending I know more than I don't just because I'm afraid people will put me down for not being 'music smart.' I love all types, but I just love it. I don't live it. (Bands/musicians I REALLY like: Trapt, The Verve, Foo Fighters, Led Zepplin, Ozzy, The Rolling Stones, Green Day, Gwen Stefani, Goo Goo Dolls, Third Eye Blind, and some others I can't think of at the moment. Even these, I don't know where they were born, all their lyrics, or even the names of every band member. If I like it, I listen to it. That's basicallly it.
As for movies!! I love them all. I'm not lying. I prefer action/adventure/drama/mostly comedy. Favorites include: The Shawshank Redemption, Snatch, Indiana Jones movies, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Breakfast Club... I like movies that make you think/laugh/or show real emotions. Honestly, people may freak out, but I DON'T LIKE DUMB AND DUMBER!!! That's right!!! It's not funnny to me!!! Some parts are, but as a whole, if the movie more dumb comedy instead of actual comedy... most likely I won't be that interested. Other little tidbits: favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough, favorite color is unknown (changes on a regular basis-biploar ;) lol, I love listening to sad music before I sleep just because it makes me relaxed... I love cuddling (who doesn't..), I HATE being emotionally toyed with!!! Omg.. If you are my friend, act like it. I don't expect to be friends only when it's convenient to someone else. I act like it's ok just to keep them around, but I'm giving that up, it's painful to really like someone as a friend when they could care less about you. Every person not actually wanting to be friends, just let me know. I'll stop trying. When I was younger, and what I still like to do is: stay in on rainy days and watch tons of movies, walk in the creek just to catch frogs, snakes and turtles, take walks on the golf course and through the woods to explore, leisurely throw a football, shoot baskets, play tennis, kickball, frisbee.. I love the outdoors. It's who I was growing up. A dirty little secret is that I gave most of it up because everyone else around me lost interest. Girls didn't want to get dirty outside anymore, they wanted to put on makeup and go to the mall... I decided that if I followed that path, I would hang on the more friends. Screw it. I don't know where to find people who like to do these things anymore, and it's one reason I was so obsessed with ultimate frisbee this summer. I can't express how much I loved that. I feel so free, and I can get my competetiveness on! Also, I gave up playing video games as much as I used to. You're limited in what you can do as a girl. I didn't have many guy friends because I was a lil chubby ugly duckling little kid. I have always been pretty quiet and shy, and I was always ok with that. Always kind of a loner. When you're alone, you can't get hurt. That's why I don't let people in easily anymore. I have had a lot of people let me down. I try my hardest never to let anyone down and truly care about people without letting them know me, just because I don't think anyone deserves that pain. I have scars, but I keep making them worse instead of letting them heal and moving on. I love emotion! I'm sick of letting my emotions control me, but I love that I FEEL! Being real is the only thing we will have left after a while, because so many people are fake (like me...) and stop expressing true feelings. I didn't stop, I just wrote it all in journals, didn't really show it to others. I don't know if anyone can tell how passionately I write about certain topics.. but that's what I honeslty care the most about. The things I write with great energy, and that I just can't stop writing about!!! I'm passionate about people placing material things aside, all technology, all of the "stuff," and stupid little hobbies, and talk to people. Everyone is connected through feelings about life. Not about cars, games, hair, music, movies... those things may be ways to meet other people and strike up conversation, but why not talk about our real feelings? Why do we not say 'I love you' when we want to? Why do we not just hug strangers? Why don't we stop rushing our lives to get jobs and waste as much time as possible on the stupid things we 'like' to do and start changing the world!!! The answer: we are all programmed by the society we grow up in. You may say it's not true, you are you're own person, and that may be true for a lot of people. I know I'm too afraid to tell my real feelings because people don't accept that. It's different... it's strange... it's too emotional, too much drama... people should laugh off everything, just joke around about those things, and never make life into a soap opera. Life IS a soap opera, we just refuse to accept that we can't just have fun and enjoy life aLL the time. We need fun, I love goofing around and being stupid most of the time!! But sometimes... people need to be emotional, listen to each other, discuss topics that are actually important to life, existance, and happiness. Gosh... now I'm rambling about something that has nothing to do with what I started off saying. Bottom line: I'm incredibly insecure because I have been molded that way. I NEED people to read my mind sometimes.. it's dumb, but I don't want to have to spell out what I need and want from the people who are supposed to really care about you. It's scary to me. I am a very frightened person. My fear of rejection... it's scary. Anywho, I just wanted to say... ya know, I'm going to do a lot of dumb things in my life, and I'm going to over apologize a lot when I think that's what people need to hear to be happy. It's what makes me... me. I'm sorry (there we go again..) I'm not like everyone else. I'm not simple. I'm going to always act simple because people like SIMPLE, but when people really like and care about ME and SHOW me... if you actually want to know ME... then you'll have to want some complicated things at times. I can change it when I'm being fake, keeping others happy, but when someone wants to make me happy... I just need someone I can talk to who won't get upset and irritated. Be honest with me... I'm sorry I'm not honest with everyone a lot of the time.. but if you try, I'll try.
As for movies!! I love them all. I'm not lying. I prefer action/adventure/drama/mostly comedy. Favorites include: The Shawshank Redemption, Snatch, Indiana Jones movies, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Breakfast Club... I like movies that make you think/laugh/or show real emotions. Honestly, people may freak out, but I DON'T LIKE DUMB AND DUMBER!!! That's right!!! It's not funnny to me!!! Some parts are, but as a whole, if the movie more dumb comedy instead of actual comedy... most likely I won't be that interested. Other little tidbits: favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough, favorite color is unknown (changes on a regular basis-biploar ;) lol, I love listening to sad music before I sleep just because it makes me relaxed... I love cuddling (who doesn't..), I HATE being emotionally toyed with!!! Omg.. If you are my friend, act like it. I don't expect to be friends only when it's convenient to someone else. I act like it's ok just to keep them around, but I'm giving that up, it's painful to really like someone as a friend when they could care less about you. Every person not actually wanting to be friends, just let me know. I'll stop trying. When I was younger, and what I still like to do is: stay in on rainy days and watch tons of movies, walk in the creek just to catch frogs, snakes and turtles, take walks on the golf course and through the woods to explore, leisurely throw a football, shoot baskets, play tennis, kickball, frisbee.. I love the outdoors. It's who I was growing up. A dirty little secret is that I gave most of it up because everyone else around me lost interest. Girls didn't want to get dirty outside anymore, they wanted to put on makeup and go to the mall... I decided that if I followed that path, I would hang on the more friends. Screw it. I don't know where to find people who like to do these things anymore, and it's one reason I was so obsessed with ultimate frisbee this summer. I can't express how much I loved that. I feel so free, and I can get my competetiveness on! Also, I gave up playing video games as much as I used to. You're limited in what you can do as a girl. I didn't have many guy friends because I was a lil chubby ugly duckling little kid. I have always been pretty quiet and shy, and I was always ok with that. Always kind of a loner. When you're alone, you can't get hurt. That's why I don't let people in easily anymore. I have had a lot of people let me down. I try my hardest never to let anyone down and truly care about people without letting them know me, just because I don't think anyone deserves that pain. I have scars, but I keep making them worse instead of letting them heal and moving on. I love emotion! I'm sick of letting my emotions control me, but I love that I FEEL! Being real is the only thing we will have left after a while, because so many people are fake (like me...) and stop expressing true feelings. I didn't stop, I just wrote it all in journals, didn't really show it to others. I don't know if anyone can tell how passionately I write about certain topics.. but that's what I honeslty care the most about. The things I write with great energy, and that I just can't stop writing about!!! I'm passionate about people placing material things aside, all technology, all of the "stuff," and stupid little hobbies, and talk to people. Everyone is connected through feelings about life. Not about cars, games, hair, music, movies... those things may be ways to meet other people and strike up conversation, but why not talk about our real feelings? Why do we not say 'I love you' when we want to? Why do we not just hug strangers? Why don't we stop rushing our lives to get jobs and waste as much time as possible on the stupid things we 'like' to do and start changing the world!!! The answer: we are all programmed by the society we grow up in. You may say it's not true, you are you're own person, and that may be true for a lot of people. I know I'm too afraid to tell my real feelings because people don't accept that. It's different... it's strange... it's too emotional, too much drama... people should laugh off everything, just joke around about those things, and never make life into a soap opera. Life IS a soap opera, we just refuse to accept that we can't just have fun and enjoy life aLL the time. We need fun, I love goofing around and being stupid most of the time!! But sometimes... people need to be emotional, listen to each other, discuss topics that are actually important to life, existance, and happiness. Gosh... now I'm rambling about something that has nothing to do with what I started off saying. Bottom line: I'm incredibly insecure because I have been molded that way. I NEED people to read my mind sometimes.. it's dumb, but I don't want to have to spell out what I need and want from the people who are supposed to really care about you. It's scary to me. I am a very frightened person. My fear of rejection... it's scary. Anywho, I just wanted to say... ya know, I'm going to do a lot of dumb things in my life, and I'm going to over apologize a lot when I think that's what people need to hear to be happy. It's what makes me... me. I'm sorry (there we go again..) I'm not like everyone else. I'm not simple. I'm going to always act simple because people like SIMPLE, but when people really like and care about ME and SHOW me... if you actually want to know ME... then you'll have to want some complicated things at times. I can change it when I'm being fake, keeping others happy, but when someone wants to make me happy... I just need someone I can talk to who won't get upset and irritated. Be honest with me... I'm sorry I'm not honest with everyone a lot of the time.. but if you try, I'll try.