Romance Comics of Old
The recent topic on comics has me thinking about these stacks of antique romance comics I have. So, this may be obnoxious or it could be funny, but I'm sharing the list of "Things I Learned From Bronze Age Romance Comics"
FYI: Bronze Age comics are comics printed in the 70s-80s and that's the bulk of what I have but I do have a few Silver Age (50s-70s). Most of the series titles I have are "I Love You!" "Secret Romance" "Teen-Age Love" "Romantic Story" "Just Married" and "My Only Love"
1. My emotions can only be portrayed through crying. If I am happy, cry. If I am sad, cry. If I am on the rag, find a tent outside the village to reside in for a week and fucking CRY
2. If I don't get a husband (and SOON) my life is a waste. "I could die...no one would care...I'm all alone!"
3. My job is to cook for my husband. If I cannot do this, he will leave and I must grovel and learn to cook; in that order.
4. If there is an earthquake I must freeze, cry, and scream about how I don't want to die (I don't have a husband after all, so it will be a lonely death) until a man comes to save me. I won't expect him to shove my ass under a table or in a door way, he will carry me in his arms outside where we will wait it out (while I cry) under the windows which will not shatter despite the fact just on the other side of the wall boulders are falling from the ceiling as if a vortex to the stone age has been opened.
5. If A friend tells me that a guy is bad news, but he then asks me to wander into the woods and behind some bushes with him alone, I must go. He wont rape me, he'll be my true love and finally give my life meaning.
6. When I am married, I am not to meddle in my husband's business life. By that, I mean I won't speak to his boss unless I am spoken to first or my husband will be fired because his wife doesn’t know her place. If I make the mistake of doing this, I’ll just cry, it'll fix everything.
7. If a guy doesn't have a nice car, he is a square and he can go to hell.
8. If my boyfriend cheats on me it wont even cross my mind to be upset with him. I’ll just cry until the other woman apologizes and we'll all hang at the malt shop.
9. It's okay to kiss strange guys. I'm a girl and I can't resist these urges, and it's my place to please men.
10. Don't date a guy in a turban. It wont result in a jihad, but he will hypnotize me.
11. If your boyfriend crashes the car you two are in, leaves you in the now burning car with broken legs, then gets a ride home (hours away) while you are in the ER without a word to you it is YOUR fault. Your girlie bitching at him made him crash the car in the first place.
12. 'Straight guys' doesn't mean what I think it means. Also, what I think is insinuated by the opposite of 'straight guys' certainly doesn't mean what I think it means. And if it does, lolz.
13. If your fiancé dumps you your mother has every right to take to her sick bed and shun you.
14. "Sea captains don't ask for anything" is not only true but a great justification for assault and molestation (as if they needed justification if committed by your soul mate!)
15. If your boss insists on a kiss and tells you that he has memorized the shape of your body, it's okay. It's Christmas.
16. It's okay to go off with a guy you just met in Europe if he calls and asks your dad if it's okay.
17. Every bride get's cold feet; work through it no matter how much you may be in love with someone else. Once you lose your virginity on your wedding night you will feel better anyway because your sole concern is to keep him happy! "He's happy...I must keep him that way."
18. It's okay for your high school teacher to make out with you if you are "older than you look."
19. ADs for blow-up dolls in tween girl comics are marketed as "the largest doll in town" "the most unusual gift you can get a friend" "the ideal burglar deterrent" "most exciting thing ever invented for party gags" and "You're bound to find hundreds of exciting and unusual uses for me!"
20. A suitable proposal: Will you marry me, you dimwit?
21. Don't dump your boyfriend if you find him boring for being "punctual, faithful, neat, and clean and dull!" because he might turn up with another girl in a few frames with a half beard and a medallion and you'll be jeeeeealous.
22. If your boyfriend goes to war go ahead and cheat on him because he's probably gay.
23. You should give up your career if it conflicts with your boyfriend's because it's the woman's place to "Abandon her career...in favor of the most meaningful role any woman can play...That of a woman in love!"
24. If you have a better education than your husband you must not let it show or else you'll emasculate him and he'll begin to stutter and your father will tell you off. Don't worry, just pretend that you've been pretending to be intelligent, tell him "...You're a man, a capable man...I'm only a weak woman who bit off more than she could chew!" and all will be well.
25. Getting a facial scar is grounds for your husband to divorce you.