Four Times Lucie Miller Tried to Seduce the Doctor, and One Time She Didn't Have To
Title: Four Times Lucie Miller Tried to Seduce the Doctor, and One Time She Didn't Have To
Characters: Eighth Doctor/Lucie, Romana
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Summary: Lucie wants to have a different kind of adventure with the Doctor. But can she get the Doctor to cooperate?
I. Space Suits Don't Really Flatter Your Figure
Lucie had been in the TARDIS wardrobe for hours. The place was huge, and had a surprisingly large collection of short skirts. Sometime, she'd have to ask the Doctor where they all came from.
"Right," she said, giving herself one more look in the mirror. "If this doesn't get his attention, nothing will."
The Doctor didn't even look up from the controls as she entered the console room. "Ah, Lucie! We've almost arrived. You're gonna love this place. It's got some of the most spectacular views in the cosmos."
"Yeah? Well, let's get out there and view 'em." Lucie wondered if maybe her luck was turning. A spectacular view was always good for setting the mood.
"Just one catch - the atmosphere's toxic to humans. You'll need to put on that environment suit over there."
Lucie looked at the bulky, orange, body-encasing suit. "You've got to be kidding."
"Come on, Lucie." The Doctor flipped a switch on the console. "You really don't want to miss these views."
"And you have no idea what kind of views you're missing," Lucie muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nothing." She sighed. "Just getting my suit on."
II. Shag or Die Trying
"Lucie, I think there's something wrong with the TARDIS." The Doctor frowned, and fiddled with the coordinate settings.
"Yeah? Tell me something I don't know."
"No, really. This is...odd. The coordinates keep getting reset somehow."
"Oh, really?" Lucie kept her voice casual. "You reckon it's the Time Lords messing about again?"
"Maybe." The Doctor turned away from the console to face her, and she quickly slipped the book she was reading behind her back. "But the coordinates keep getting reset to the Xyrxis system, and I don't know why the Time Lords would want us to go there."
"The what system?"
"The Xyrxis system is known for unusual plant life. In particular, a prolific weed on Xyrxis IV produces a pollen that contains peptides that bind to receptors in the autonomic nervous systems of most humanoid life forms."
"Is that good, then?"
"Well, not exactly. It affects parts of the nervous system controlling sexual arousal and response. It sets up a powerful feedback loop."
"Which does what?"
"Well..." The Doctor looked at the floor. "It means that a humanoid exposed to the pollen must engage in sexual intercourse within about twelve hours, or...expire."
"Oh." Lucie pretended to ponder this. "Shag or die?"
"Yes. That is the commonly used term." The Doctor returned to the TARDIS controls. "Maybe we should pop back to Gallifrey for a bit. We can have the old girl overhauled, just to make sure that nothing is wrong, and we can make sure that none of my people are 'messing about', as you put it."
"Whatever." As soon as Lucie was sure that the Doctor's attention was fully concentrated on the TARDIS, she slipped the Field Guide to the Flora of the Xyrxis System back onto the bookshelf. It was probably best if he didn't notice it was missing.
III. Girl Talk
"So, um, Romana." Lucie eyed the president of Gallifrey over her cup of tea. "This might seem like a really weird question, but do Time Lords, um, date or anything like that?"
Romana rolled her eyes. "Oh, no. Not another one!"
"What? What's that supposed to mean?"
Romana sighed. "If you're going to go into a long story about how you're in love with the Doctor, and it's such a tragedy because he's an alien and he can never give you what you really want, please save it. I've heard it all before."
Lucie nearly spit out her tea. "In love with the Doctor? Good God, no. He's an alien. He's old enough to be my great-great-grandad's great-great-whatever, and, frankly, a lot of the time, he really gets on my wick. It's just..."
"Just what?" Romana's expression was a lot more sympathetic now.
"It's embarrassing to admit it, really. But there's just summat about him that makes me want to shag him senseless."
Romana poured more tea. "Join the club."
"Oh." Lucie thought about that. "No advice for me, then?"
"Well, you could try the Xyrxis system."
"Does that work?"
"It never did for me. Koschei claimed it was very successful, but I think he always said that just to irritate me."
"Koschei? Who or what is--"
"Hello, you two!" The Doctor swept into the room and flopped down into an empty chair. "Hope you've been having a nice chat! Is there tea left? Hey! Chocolate biscuits! Mmmmm!"
Lucie and Romana shared a look that spoke volumes.
IV. Aliens Didn't Make Them Do It
The Doctor thumped the console. "I don't understand. The TARDIS has just had a complete overhaul. She's working perfectly. This should not be happening."
"What shouldn't be happening?" Lucie asked.
"The coordinates changed again. While I was in the kitchen making a fresh pot of tea."
"Back to 'Shag or Die' world?"
"No. This time it's..." The Doctor peered at the coordinates. "A museum. On Kinsha."
"A museum. Sounds boring."
"Well, this is an odd museum. It's the Galactic Museum of Sexual Reproduction."
"The what?"
"The Kinshites reproduce asexually. By fission. So they're fascinated by sex. They build a museum dedicated to it."
"Okay, that sounds like it could be interesting."
"Yes, well, it can be more interesting than you bargained for. If you're a member of a species that practices sexual reproduction, they tend to lock you up and force you to demonstrate the typical mating behavior of your species."
"That sounds embarrassing."
"Yes. Not to mention exhausting. They're very thorough researchers, Kinshites." The Doctor frowned. "There's something going on here."
Lucie wondered for approximately the ten thousandth time how someone so smart could be so thick. "You think?"
He paced around the TARDIS console, lost in thought. "There's a connection. All these odd little events. It's leading up to something." He ran his hands through his hair. "If only I could work it out."
"Yeah." Lucie sighed. "Well, if you work it out, come and find me. I'll be in my room."
V. Time Lords Respond Best to a Direct Approach
"Lucie! I've worked it out!" The Doctor burst into her room without knocking.
"Doctor! Do you mind? I'm in my underwear."
"Oh." He blinked at her. "So you are. But that's not the important thing. I understand now. I know what's going on!"
He looked far too delighted with himself. "Is that right?"
"I know why the TARDIS coordinates kept changing!"
"Yeah?"
"And I know why your skirts keep getting shorter!"
"Oh, you noticed." It was something, Lucie supposed.
"And I know why the TARDIS databank entry on Gallifreyan sexuality has been accessed eight times in the past three weeks!"
Lucie looked at the floor. "Might have known that would be logged."
The Doctor shook his head. "Oh, Lucie. Lucie, Lucie, Lucie. Don't you see? I'm an alien. All your little human mating rituals mean nothing to me. There's no point in trying to seduce me. If you want to sleep with me, all you have to do is ask." He smiled in that way he had that was very gentle, very sexy, and very, very infuriating.
"Just ask?" Lucie didn't know whether to snog him or smack him.
"Yes. Just ask."
Smacking him was getting more appealing. "No. I don't think so."
The smile vanished. "What?"
"Look, maybe I do fancy you a bit, all right? And okay, fine, you don't go for human 'mating rituals'. But that doesn't mean you can just ponce in here and expect me to say, 'Ooooh, take me, Time Lord!' This Earth girl's not that easy, all right?"
"No, just desperate enough to try to use Xyrxian sex pollen to get a little action. Which, I might add, is incredibly dangerous."
"If you're as rubbish in bed as you are at driving the TARDIS, I bet getting a little action from you is incredibly dangerous."
"I--" The Doctor took a deep breath. "You--" He turned and stomped towards the door.
"Whatever," Lucie muttered. She could feel a twinge of regret somewhere beneath her anger, but she pushed it out of her mind.
The Doctor paused in the doorway. "Wait a minute," he said. "I understand what's really going on here."
"That'd be a first."
"This is all just a game for you." He turned away from the door and strode towards her. "It's fine as long as its just a teenager's fantasy. But you can't handle the reality." He was close now, glaring at her.
"I can't handle the reality? Try some of this reality." She grabbed him by the lapels of that stupid coat and kissed him, hard.
"I think--" The Doctor paused to catch his breath. "I think, as realities go, this one may warrant further investigation."
"Shut up, you." Lucie pushed him down on the bed and kissed him again.
Characters: Eighth Doctor/Lucie, Romana
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Summary: Lucie wants to have a different kind of adventure with the Doctor. But can she get the Doctor to cooperate?
I. Space Suits Don't Really Flatter Your Figure
Lucie had been in the TARDIS wardrobe for hours. The place was huge, and had a surprisingly large collection of short skirts. Sometime, she'd have to ask the Doctor where they all came from.
"Right," she said, giving herself one more look in the mirror. "If this doesn't get his attention, nothing will."
The Doctor didn't even look up from the controls as she entered the console room. "Ah, Lucie! We've almost arrived. You're gonna love this place. It's got some of the most spectacular views in the cosmos."
"Yeah? Well, let's get out there and view 'em." Lucie wondered if maybe her luck was turning. A spectacular view was always good for setting the mood.
"Just one catch - the atmosphere's toxic to humans. You'll need to put on that environment suit over there."
Lucie looked at the bulky, orange, body-encasing suit. "You've got to be kidding."
"Come on, Lucie." The Doctor flipped a switch on the console. "You really don't want to miss these views."
"And you have no idea what kind of views you're missing," Lucie muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nothing." She sighed. "Just getting my suit on."
II. Shag or Die Trying
"Lucie, I think there's something wrong with the TARDIS." The Doctor frowned, and fiddled with the coordinate settings.
"Yeah? Tell me something I don't know."
"No, really. This is...odd. The coordinates keep getting reset somehow."
"Oh, really?" Lucie kept her voice casual. "You reckon it's the Time Lords messing about again?"
"Maybe." The Doctor turned away from the console to face her, and she quickly slipped the book she was reading behind her back. "But the coordinates keep getting reset to the Xyrxis system, and I don't know why the Time Lords would want us to go there."
"The what system?"
"The Xyrxis system is known for unusual plant life. In particular, a prolific weed on Xyrxis IV produces a pollen that contains peptides that bind to receptors in the autonomic nervous systems of most humanoid life forms."
"Is that good, then?"
"Well, not exactly. It affects parts of the nervous system controlling sexual arousal and response. It sets up a powerful feedback loop."
"Which does what?"
"Well..." The Doctor looked at the floor. "It means that a humanoid exposed to the pollen must engage in sexual intercourse within about twelve hours, or...expire."
"Oh." Lucie pretended to ponder this. "Shag or die?"
"Yes. That is the commonly used term." The Doctor returned to the TARDIS controls. "Maybe we should pop back to Gallifrey for a bit. We can have the old girl overhauled, just to make sure that nothing is wrong, and we can make sure that none of my people are 'messing about', as you put it."
"Whatever." As soon as Lucie was sure that the Doctor's attention was fully concentrated on the TARDIS, she slipped the Field Guide to the Flora of the Xyrxis System back onto the bookshelf. It was probably best if he didn't notice it was missing.
III. Girl Talk
"So, um, Romana." Lucie eyed the president of Gallifrey over her cup of tea. "This might seem like a really weird question, but do Time Lords, um, date or anything like that?"
Romana rolled her eyes. "Oh, no. Not another one!"
"What? What's that supposed to mean?"
Romana sighed. "If you're going to go into a long story about how you're in love with the Doctor, and it's such a tragedy because he's an alien and he can never give you what you really want, please save it. I've heard it all before."
Lucie nearly spit out her tea. "In love with the Doctor? Good God, no. He's an alien. He's old enough to be my great-great-grandad's great-great-whatever, and, frankly, a lot of the time, he really gets on my wick. It's just..."
"Just what?" Romana's expression was a lot more sympathetic now.
"It's embarrassing to admit it, really. But there's just summat about him that makes me want to shag him senseless."
Romana poured more tea. "Join the club."
"Oh." Lucie thought about that. "No advice for me, then?"
"Well, you could try the Xyrxis system."
"Does that work?"
"It never did for me. Koschei claimed it was very successful, but I think he always said that just to irritate me."
"Koschei? Who or what is--"
"Hello, you two!" The Doctor swept into the room and flopped down into an empty chair. "Hope you've been having a nice chat! Is there tea left? Hey! Chocolate biscuits! Mmmmm!"
Lucie and Romana shared a look that spoke volumes.
IV. Aliens Didn't Make Them Do It
The Doctor thumped the console. "I don't understand. The TARDIS has just had a complete overhaul. She's working perfectly. This should not be happening."
"What shouldn't be happening?" Lucie asked.
"The coordinates changed again. While I was in the kitchen making a fresh pot of tea."
"Back to 'Shag or Die' world?"
"No. This time it's..." The Doctor peered at the coordinates. "A museum. On Kinsha."
"A museum. Sounds boring."
"Well, this is an odd museum. It's the Galactic Museum of Sexual Reproduction."
"The what?"
"The Kinshites reproduce asexually. By fission. So they're fascinated by sex. They build a museum dedicated to it."
"Okay, that sounds like it could be interesting."
"Yes, well, it can be more interesting than you bargained for. If you're a member of a species that practices sexual reproduction, they tend to lock you up and force you to demonstrate the typical mating behavior of your species."
"That sounds embarrassing."
"Yes. Not to mention exhausting. They're very thorough researchers, Kinshites." The Doctor frowned. "There's something going on here."
Lucie wondered for approximately the ten thousandth time how someone so smart could be so thick. "You think?"
He paced around the TARDIS console, lost in thought. "There's a connection. All these odd little events. It's leading up to something." He ran his hands through his hair. "If only I could work it out."
"Yeah." Lucie sighed. "Well, if you work it out, come and find me. I'll be in my room."
V. Time Lords Respond Best to a Direct Approach
"Lucie! I've worked it out!" The Doctor burst into her room without knocking.
"Doctor! Do you mind? I'm in my underwear."
"Oh." He blinked at her. "So you are. But that's not the important thing. I understand now. I know what's going on!"
He looked far too delighted with himself. "Is that right?"
"I know why the TARDIS coordinates kept changing!"
"Yeah?"
"And I know why your skirts keep getting shorter!"
"Oh, you noticed." It was something, Lucie supposed.
"And I know why the TARDIS databank entry on Gallifreyan sexuality has been accessed eight times in the past three weeks!"
Lucie looked at the floor. "Might have known that would be logged."
The Doctor shook his head. "Oh, Lucie. Lucie, Lucie, Lucie. Don't you see? I'm an alien. All your little human mating rituals mean nothing to me. There's no point in trying to seduce me. If you want to sleep with me, all you have to do is ask." He smiled in that way he had that was very gentle, very sexy, and very, very infuriating.
"Just ask?" Lucie didn't know whether to snog him or smack him.
"Yes. Just ask."
Smacking him was getting more appealing. "No. I don't think so."
The smile vanished. "What?"
"Look, maybe I do fancy you a bit, all right? And okay, fine, you don't go for human 'mating rituals'. But that doesn't mean you can just ponce in here and expect me to say, 'Ooooh, take me, Time Lord!' This Earth girl's not that easy, all right?"
"No, just desperate enough to try to use Xyrxian sex pollen to get a little action. Which, I might add, is incredibly dangerous."
"If you're as rubbish in bed as you are at driving the TARDIS, I bet getting a little action from you is incredibly dangerous."
"I--" The Doctor took a deep breath. "You--" He turned and stomped towards the door.
"Whatever," Lucie muttered. She could feel a twinge of regret somewhere beneath her anger, but she pushed it out of her mind.
The Doctor paused in the doorway. "Wait a minute," he said. "I understand what's really going on here."
"That'd be a first."
"This is all just a game for you." He turned away from the door and strode towards her. "It's fine as long as its just a teenager's fantasy. But you can't handle the reality." He was close now, glaring at her.
"I can't handle the reality? Try some of this reality." She grabbed him by the lapels of that stupid coat and kissed him, hard.
"I think--" The Doctor paused to catch his breath. "I think, as realities go, this one may warrant further investigation."
"Shut up, you." Lucie pushed him down on the bed and kissed him again.