SKYWARD SWORD IV (SPOILERS)
OKAY FLIST, WE ARE BACK. I AM SORRY FOR THE DELAY, BUT LIFE WAS ALL UP IN MY FACE, LIKE, "BITCH YOU HAVE WORK TO DO BEFORE YOU PLAY." SO I WORKED. :(
I am actually pretty close to finishing the game, so I actually had to check a walkthrough to double-check the sequence of events after I last posted. It's a good thing we did because apparently my brain is a lying liar, which may explain why I bombed my last chemistry exam after I thought I understood what I was doing.
FIRST OF ALL, I MUST SHARE THIS MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I FOUND THE OTHER DAY: Texts From the Sea
Texts From Last Night meets The Wind Waker becomes GLORIOUSNESS.
Awww, Groose is all, "IMMA HANG OUT WITH GRANNY" and admittedly this granny is pretty awesome, so I think it's really cute that he chooses to stick around and wants Link to tell his friends goodbye for him. EXCEPT YOU SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT CAWLIN BECAUSE HE IS A PRICK. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM. PEOPLE GIVE HIS LOVE LETTERS TO TOILET HANDS BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM. (Read: I wish I had realized that giving throwing the note in the toilet doesn't let Pipit/Karane happen. BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ADORABLE TO WATCH.) Stritch is pretty cute, though. His bug isle is the shit. THANK YOU FOR HELPING LINK CONTINUE THE TREND OF POURING QUESTIONABLE SHIT DOWN HIS THROAT.
Okay, once I got back to Skyloft, it hit me that I'd done shit all as far as sidequests go, and that bat dude was kind of relying on me not to get him run out of Skyloft, so I went for more of the gratitude crystal quests. I CAN'T GET THE RATTLE FROM THE NEST. I CAN'T - I JUST...laskjd;lfdjsl;dfa THESE FUCKING SKYDIVING CONTROLS. Does anybody know how to do that? Is there some trick I am missing? I AM TIRED OF LISTENING TO THIS LITTLE SHIT CRY. SOMEBODY HELP ME.
For some reason, I decided to visit the Lumpy Pumpkin next. I think it's because Fi finally was all, "LOL LET ME HELP YOU DOWSE THAT SHIT." Kina wanted a digging helper, and because I'm such a smarty smart kid, I figured it would probably be one of the Mogmas. I WAS RIGHT, but before I went into the volcano section I decided to go visit some more plot and see this Levias...thing so I had everything I needed going into the ground world. HOW RIDICULOUS OF A RUN AROUND WAS IT TO FIND OUT WHO LEVIAS EVEN WAS? I swear, I must have wasted half an hour running the hell around before the one teacher dude was all, "LOL LET ME TEACH YOU ARE SECRET, PLOT-MOVING TECHNIQUE." WHICH THEN TOOK ME ANOTHER HALF HOUR TO LEARN, SINCE MY AIM IS SHIT ALREADY, MUCH LESS WHEN I HAVE A BIRD TO CONTROL ON TOP OF IT. Apparently, defeating giant tentacle monsters and psychotic sword throwing robots is just not enough for these people. God, they are just such demanding fucks in this game. Remember back in OoT when all you had to do is move some heavy blocks around and everybody was all, "OH HERO OF TIME, THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE WILL DRESS OUR BOYS IN YOUR LITTLE NANCY SKIRT FOREVER!" Oh no. NOT HERE. Even getting part of the Triforce isn't enough. You have to get the entire damn thing, and people are still all, "Fuck you" when you need help. I will remember this, game.
After I finally - FINALLY - get through that all that bullshit, we finally go to Levias who is OF COURSE possessed by some evil, ocular flower fuck (what is it with Zelda games and eye gore?) because nobody in this world can apparently take care of his/her/itself for five minutes without shit hitting the fan. I'm pretty sure this guy is the Wind Fish from Link's Awakening, which means that in a couple centuries he lives on to traumatize yet another Hero.
ASSHOLE
God, that battle was hard. SO HARD. Just getting on his damn back was a mammoth effort. I still regularly kill Link at least once trying to jump onto his head, even without a giant evil eye waiting for me. AND THEN YOU HAVE TO HIT THE POWER SURGES IN THE RIGHT ORDER. Game, GAME, we have already established that I am shit at these controls. PLEASE STOP PUTTING ME IN SITUATIONS THAT REQUIRE PRECISE CONTROLS. Alright, so we save Levias, and the giant whale from hell tells us we need the three more pieces of the Hero's Song in order to go to the temple in order to get the Triforce. God forbid these fuckers just give it to us or something. IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD OR ANYTHING. Make you wish you didn't wake up that morning, eh, Link?
Alternatively: Link celebrates 4/20.
On a side note, while starting up the game, I accidentally let the main story scroll through, and I caught a couple details I missed the first time. A couple points to note -
- The backstory also answers a question I think a lot of people had regarding the population of Hyrule, especially with Wind Waker's great flood. If the story is accurate, and Skyloft contains the only remaining human populations, that would explain why the goddesses have no problem wiping out everything in the adult timeline. Hyrule IS the world. Sure, the population has spread out, increased, and probably formed multiple other cultures, but the majority of population would be centered around that arena.
I guess this could also explain the distinct lack of serious ethnic variation in most of the human population of Hyrule, but I kind of suspect it's more that we have a serious problem with race representation in the gaming industry. Of course, the last time Nintendo tried it's hand at race in the Zelda universe, we got the Gerudo...a race of thieves who gave birth to the series' Big Bad. :|
- [[FEMINISM: ON]] Although a previous hero is mentioned in dialogue, it's stated specifically that it was HYLIA who saved the last of humanity and fought Demise and his demon hordes, along with a world army of with her or possibly even at her command. This realy irks me in light of the manga, where the Hero was shown doing most of the fighting, and Hylia is only shown sealing Demise. Look, mangaka, this game already has some serious rage-y issues with excluding the female characters from the main story and sticking them in passive roles. Taking away the fight and giving it to the MALE Hero is pretty infuriating. We know she specifically took part of the fighting because Zelda mentions that Hylia suffered terrible wounds from the battle. And don't even get started on the waif-like personality and appearance of her in the manga. This is a WARRIOR goddess, one created to protect and defend the Sacred Realm. Why would she be a delicate thing? asdkjl;fsjaljl;dsafda Yes, yes, flist, I get that she's a goddess, so her appearance could be deceiving, but C'MON. Look at Impa or Aishei from the other games - they're obviously female, but their build also reflects the fact that they're tough ladies trained for combat.
It's really sad to me that the games seemed to be working on an upwards trend with female character participation, starting with OoT and going onward, and this game actually feels like a giant step back. The last Zelda game we had was Spirit Tracks, and it also happened to be the first game where Zelda was a PLAYABLE CHARACTER. What happened? Why did this game, which has so much potential to be as awesome as possible, decide to retrogress that positive trend? Think about how many female characters there are in this game. Now think about how completely forgettable the most of them are - or, if you do remember them, how many of them are memorable beyond a traditional female role? (Granted, the side characters in this game in general aren't less well developed than other games, but it's more noticeable with the girls.) Peatrice, Impa, Karane, and Faron are the only ones outside of the main cast that stick out to me. Peatrice is primarily defined by her willingness to hold on to anything of Link's. Karane is a knight in training, which is pretty awesome, but a lot of her conversation with Link is a.) hinting at her affection for Pipit or b.) telling Link how handsome and admirable he's becoming in his work at the academy. Impa is the ONLY female characters who takes an active role within the plot, and halfway through the story, she's forced to surrender that role to Link, the Hero. Faron is the most distinctive dragon you deal with, but her role is relegated to sending Link on meaningless side quests while taking little action. Zelda is too important to count as a side character, but even her most noble and admirable choice ALSO puts her in a passive role. I mean, she's literally asleep for half the game. All of her active participation in the plot is implied offscreen.
You think I'm being unreasonable? Look at the rest of the cast! All of the Gorons are male, preestablished to be a mono-gendered race that identifies as "male." All of the Mogmas identify as male - at least, we don't see any females around. The robots should be technically androgynous, but Scrapper identifies as male (he even forms an attraction to Fi, who leans feminine in appearance), as do a few of the other robot characters. Ghirahim is male - and an active villain. The Imprisoned (based on his true form) is male. Two out of the three dragons are male, and although Faron is the one with the most significant influence on the plot, her role has also earned her a lot of fandom backlash because of it.
I'm not saying that this represents the dearth of the franchise, but is a bit jarring in contrast to where the games seemed to be going before. Twilight Princess picked up a lot of flak for how much Midna ate up the plot, but honestly? It was kind of nice to play a Zelda game where a female characters shared such a large part of the spotlight. Zelda didn't get nearly as much screen time as the one in this game - and yet she STILL fought in the final battle. What about OoT? Don't get me wrong, the Zelda/Sheik debate brings up its own set of unfortunate implications, but the rest of the cast? All of the female sages have distinct personalities - and only Saria and Ruto have "romantic" overtures to Link, neither of which pan out because they have more important roles to fill. Not to mention both of them have pretty strong personalities even outside of their relationship with Link. Nabooru is distinguished by what she did before becoming a sage, and Impa is primarily defined by her relationship to another woman - Zelda.
Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of things these games do much better than a lot of others - I mean, how nice is it to play a game that avoids the medieval cliche of men earning women (i.e.: sex) for great deeds? Link saves the world because he's a good person, not because he has the promise of a BJ at the end of that. Fanservice in general is pretty balanced in these games, when it even bothers to show up (none of that good ole sexualized violence M+ games seem to love so much, either). And goodness knows how cool it was a teen girl to discover a game with a female creation myth instead of a male. These games do a lot of things right - but that's why it's frustrating when they do things so wrong, too. [[/FEMINISM OFF]]
Okay, I got that out of my system. Since I had to go visit all of these dragons, I decided a.) I was sick of seeing Faron's face, so I was going to hit the forest last, and b.) to finish up the sidequest for Kina and get the mogma...ONLY TO FIND MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN VOLCANIC ERUPTION.
This volcano is an asshole
And then -
OH MY GOD LINK THEY GAVE YOU THE SHAKE DOWN. For once, one of Link's (many) enemies realizes that the best method for survival around him is to separate him as far from his (mostly stolen) shit as possible. Now, if only it had occurred to actually destroy his shit instead of spreading it out all over the mountain. This section was slightly frustrating in that it required me to be somewhat detailed oriented AND WE ALL KNOW HOW I AM ABOUT DETAILS, FLIST. Once I stopped throwing Link into the lava and figured out where the first secret passageway was, things went pretty smoothly. I still don't know what the hell that one room with the lava platform is for, but I'm sure at some point somebody will tell me. (The Sheikah stone is currently telling me there's "a great place for skydiving" near the second fire temple, which involves me hurling Link off of a very high cliff into the abyss. No thanks, buddy. I can tell you how that's going to end.)
FINALLY, we get back the Master Sword, which is probably the best thing of best things that could happen in the history of ever. I also wish I had a screen capture of this scene because the text box upon removing the sword is also the bestest best thing ever. Paraphrased: Yay, you have the Master Sword back! Now you can solve your problems with violence again! I was going to make some smart ass comment about how nice it was for the Bokoblins to leave the sword lying around rather than just hiding it with the rest of his stuff, but then it occurred to me that OoT had established previously that when the Master Sword is forcibly separated from its master, it will embed itself in whatever hard surface is nearby until Link rescues it. So maybe Fi does that on purpose specifically so that scenario never occurs. Also, how hilarious is that last chest with, literally, 90% of Link's shit in it? It's like the developers were like "Over it" and just threw everything left in there.
Fi: Thanks for dropping me, asshole.
SO THEN WE FINALLY MEET THE DRAGON. Which is quite possibly the most anticlimatic meeting ever. The dragon's all, "Hey dude, sorry about blowing my volcanic load in your face, lol" before giving you the song. At which point, I think Link wanted to stab him in the face, and after all of that, I don't blame him. At least he seemed to really dig the song (still looks like he's peeing, though).
Sorry, volcano, this is the real asshole.
OKAY, so after getting this shit all together, I decide to head off to the Faron Woods. The Faron Woods, however, decided to head ME off, with the gate being locked and all. I figured this meant I was supposed to meet up with Lanayru first. It actually meant I was supposed to fight the Imprisoned first. How I managed to get all of this shit done without actually encountering that battle is actually pretty impressive, in my humble opinion, especially since three times is only a charm when the Imprisoned isn't involved. So I meandered my way to the Lanayru desert with the help of yet another Goron (apparently, while Hylians are fuck all useless, everybody else is interested in helping Link). I finally got to the dragon, where I couldn't learn the song because that would be way too easy. It couldn't be that easy because Lanayru decided to be an asshole and die in the interim. What follows is the most irritating labyrinth ever, as I run after a time stone and Spider-Link it all the way through. Cannot tell you how many times I got killed doing this damn thing. It's so infuriating. WHY DON'T THESE TIMESTONES HAVE A RESET BUTTONS? At least this isn't like the sand temple where you actually had to warp out in order to restart the carts in the proper position. GOD.
OKAY FINALLY, WE GET THE TIMESTONE IN THE RIGHT PLACE. We go in the past to see the dragon, who is still dying though not quite dead, which is a little bit of an improvement from before. OH MY GOD, THIS FRUIT TREE. I don't want to go into the details of how long it took me to figure out this damn thing, but I will confess outright that it never even occurred to me to dig the damn thing up. I tried...oh god, so many things. WATER FROM GODDAMN EVERYWHERE, DUMPING IT ON SHIT. The only reason I didn't spend more time trying to hunt sacred water down is because the forest was literally shut off completely. FINALLY, I figured out by accident that you could dig up the seedling. AND THEN FUCK ME, IT TOOK FOREVER TO FIND OUT WHERE TO PUT THIS DAMN SEEDLING. I tried Skyloft first, then a shit ton of other places, before I finally gave up and went and visited the forest thinking somebody most know something. I finally consulted Fi there, who decided to actually be a help for once, even if that help meant talking to me slowly as though I was a mentally handicapped, five-year-old child. "Master, you need to plant this somewhere with FERTILE SOIL where it can grow FOR A VERY LONG TIME. A LONG TIME, Master, did you get that it needed to be planted FOR A LONG TIME?"
Okay, I said. We need to figure out a place where this seedling can grow for A VERY LONG TIME.
It took about another minute for it fully click.
I get back to the Gateway, where Groose is standing by the super green area and going on about how nice a tree would be growing there. Okay, game, I think I got it. Then I go back and time, and Impa is lesbianing all over Her Grace about how nice it would be if we could PLANT A TREE OR SOMETHING for Zelda to see when she wakes up. OKAY, GAME, I THINK I GOT IT. I plan the seed (...) and Impa's all, "MAN, THAT WILL BE A SWEET TREE WHEN ZELDA WAKES UP," then goes back to thinking happy thoughts about Her Grace. I go back through the gate and pick up the fruit, where Groose is all, "DUDE, LOOK AT THIS AWESOME AND BEAUTIFUL TREE THAT JUST SPRUNG UP." I think the game is glad I got it.
We go back to Lanayru, who is lounging about in misery, much as I was at that point.
This asshole is dying.
We give him the fruit and suddenly ALL IS WELL.
This asshole not dying.
Lanayru teaches us his part of the song, Link has to go change his pants again, and then we find out that this sadistic fuck actually wants us to fight through a bunch of boss battles for him. (I like him.) When in Rome...after about two of those, I realized just how bad I really was at this game, so I gave up on the Hero's Shield and went on the rest of my quest. (I'm actually not having much of a problem with my shield breaking, anyway. I think I've only had to replace it 2-3 times over the course of the entire game, which is pretty good based on what I've heard other people say about it.)
So we finally head off to the forest AND OH FUCK ME OH GOD
IT'S THE IMPRISONED
I HATE THE IMPRISONED SO MUCH.
As though it wasn't irritating enough having to fight this muppet-shaped abomination, the entire design of this battle is the most fucking infuriating thing I've ever encountered. The Imprisoned is already a tough boss as it is, BUT THEN A MAGIC ROCKFALL MAKES GROOSE COMPLETELY USELESS TO ME. It wouldn't be so hard, but now you have to skydive onto this motherfucker's head in order to take him down. AND THERE IS ONE CHANCE - ONE FUCKING CHANCE TO DO THIS, OR THE BATTLE HAS TO START OVER. But I'm not even to the outrageous part yet. No, there's only one vent that can get you to the height to skydive onto this bastard's head - which is tough to do with the controls already - and guess what? You want to be a smart player and, instead of running up to Groose and seeing what's going on, you want to just hang out at the bottom until this steam geyser starts up again? WELL GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKER? It won't start until you talk to Groose. Yes, that's right. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO CLIMB UP THAT ENTIRE FUCKING CLIFFSIDE TO TALK TO GROOSE SO HE CAN TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO GO BACK DOWN AGAIN TO HIT THE GEYSER THAT WILL TAKE YOU HIGH ENOUGH INTO THE SKY TO DIVE ONTO IMPRISONED'S BACK. There are a lot of capslocks here flist because that is how incredibly angry this battle's setup made me. The Imprisoned isn't even a FUN boss, and I have to put up with all of this bullshit. BULLSHIT. After the third time I lost, I turned off the game and refused to play it for two days, it annoyed me THAT MUCH. When I finally played it again and defeated him, I vowed that if I had to fight this son of a bitch again, I'd intentionally let him get to Zelda. Because FUCK THIS.
Fuck you.
God. GOD. That was so hard. I can't believe how hard that was. I am so fucked when I have to fight Demise. So we find out the reason the forest is locked up is because the forest is flooded. I'm pretty sure that's not how water flow works, but whatever game. Groose decides to catapult us over because he's so helpful like that. I'm sure he didn't hope we'd hit a tree or anything on the way over so he'd have a chance at Zelda, right? (Psst - did you catch that this Link doesn't scream as much when he's tossed/thrown off of high ledges? Nice detail.)
So we get to the forest, which is, in fact, the site of a 2012-level catastrophe. We talk to the Kikwis who are both adorable and somehow not dead. They tell us to visit the tree. I waste another thirty minutes of my life trying to find my way into the tree. Amazingly, Link is not dead. Eventually, we get to land...bark...something and Faron appears to inform us that her forest has been filled with monsters, and she decided to fix this problem by flooding the forest entirely, killing everything in its path.
Wha - WHAT?
Say again?
I AM NOT SHITTING YOU. THIS CRAZY BITCH ACTUALLY FLOODED THE FOREST. Even Link is like, "BITCH ARE YOU CRAZY?" for about thirty seconds, which is kind of impressive considering the shit this guy puts up with. After pushing this small matter aside, she then decides that despite saving her life, clearing out the temples, and defeating the Imprisoned (THRICE), Link is still not worthy enough to be trusted with the Song of the Hero.
Look at this crazy asshole.
SO HE NOW MUST UNDERGO THE MOST ANNOYING QUEST IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Game - I...I can't. I just, I can't even...TADTONES? Fucking, seriously? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO HERE, FLIST? DO YOU? You have around the entire goddamn forest and collect musical fish notes. MUSICAL FISH NOTES.
IT'S FUCKING PACMAN, AND LINK IS THE HUNGRY GIRL IN A BOW.
You can't even save here from what I can tell. You can't even - YOU HAVE TO SPEND FORTY MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE DOING THIS, PEOPLE. I spent the last fifteen minutes trying to figure out where I had to jump from to turn over the lily pad and rescue the last one. AND THEN THANK YOU GOD, IT WAS OVER. Faron teaches us the song, and I swear to God, if we have to deal with her again, I will ram a sword down her fucking throat. We finally escape this hell hole of a forest when she releases the flood gates, likely killing hundreds of creatures elsewhere, and we go back to the cloud cover to finally get the entire song from Levias, whom I also hate with a profound passion since it took three tries to get on his back this time. Link seems to have at least enjoyed this cutscene, which is a good thing, since I didn't really enjoy much of anything leading up until this point.
AND HOLY SHIT, THERE IS ANOTHER TEMPLE. THERE IS ANOTHER FUCKING TEMPLE. ALJSDFJL;SDAJFKLDDJSLA;FDJAS. I feel like this game will never end. DX Okay, this seems as good a stopping place as any, so next time flist.
I am actually pretty close to finishing the game, so I actually had to check a walkthrough to double-check the sequence of events after I last posted. It's a good thing we did because apparently my brain is a lying liar, which may explain why I bombed my last chemistry exam after I thought I understood what I was doing.
FIRST OF ALL, I MUST SHARE THIS MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I FOUND THE OTHER DAY: Texts From the Sea
Texts From Last Night meets The Wind Waker becomes GLORIOUSNESS.
Awww, Groose is all, "IMMA HANG OUT WITH GRANNY" and admittedly this granny is pretty awesome, so I think it's really cute that he chooses to stick around and wants Link to tell his friends goodbye for him. EXCEPT YOU SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT CAWLIN BECAUSE HE IS A PRICK. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM. PEOPLE GIVE HIS LOVE LETTERS TO TOILET HANDS BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM. (Read: I wish I had realized that giving throwing the note in the toilet doesn't let Pipit/Karane happen. BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ADORABLE TO WATCH.) Stritch is pretty cute, though. His bug isle is the shit. THANK YOU FOR HELPING LINK CONTINUE THE TREND OF POURING QUESTIONABLE SHIT DOWN HIS THROAT.
Okay, once I got back to Skyloft, it hit me that I'd done shit all as far as sidequests go, and that bat dude was kind of relying on me not to get him run out of Skyloft, so I went for more of the gratitude crystal quests. I CAN'T GET THE RATTLE FROM THE NEST. I CAN'T - I JUST...laskjd;lfdjsl;dfa THESE FUCKING SKYDIVING CONTROLS. Does anybody know how to do that? Is there some trick I am missing? I AM TIRED OF LISTENING TO THIS LITTLE SHIT CRY. SOMEBODY HELP ME.
For some reason, I decided to visit the Lumpy Pumpkin next. I think it's because Fi finally was all, "LOL LET ME HELP YOU DOWSE THAT SHIT." Kina wanted a digging helper, and because I'm such a smarty smart kid, I figured it would probably be one of the Mogmas. I WAS RIGHT, but before I went into the volcano section I decided to go visit some more plot and see this Levias...thing so I had everything I needed going into the ground world. HOW RIDICULOUS OF A RUN AROUND WAS IT TO FIND OUT WHO LEVIAS EVEN WAS? I swear, I must have wasted half an hour running the hell around before the one teacher dude was all, "LOL LET ME TEACH YOU ARE SECRET, PLOT-MOVING TECHNIQUE." WHICH THEN TOOK ME ANOTHER HALF HOUR TO LEARN, SINCE MY AIM IS SHIT ALREADY, MUCH LESS WHEN I HAVE A BIRD TO CONTROL ON TOP OF IT. Apparently, defeating giant tentacle monsters and psychotic sword throwing robots is just not enough for these people. God, they are just such demanding fucks in this game. Remember back in OoT when all you had to do is move some heavy blocks around and everybody was all, "OH HERO OF TIME, THANK YOU SO MUCH. WE WILL DRESS OUR BOYS IN YOUR LITTLE NANCY SKIRT FOREVER!" Oh no. NOT HERE. Even getting part of the Triforce isn't enough. You have to get the entire damn thing, and people are still all, "Fuck you" when you need help. I will remember this, game.
After I finally - FINALLY - get through that all that bullshit, we finally go to Levias who is OF COURSE possessed by some evil, ocular flower fuck (what is it with Zelda games and eye gore?) because nobody in this world can apparently take care of his/her/itself for five minutes without shit hitting the fan. I'm pretty sure this guy is the Wind Fish from Link's Awakening, which means that in a couple centuries he lives on to traumatize yet another Hero.
ASSHOLE
God, that battle was hard. SO HARD. Just getting on his damn back was a mammoth effort. I still regularly kill Link at least once trying to jump onto his head, even without a giant evil eye waiting for me. AND THEN YOU HAVE TO HIT THE POWER SURGES IN THE RIGHT ORDER. Game, GAME, we have already established that I am shit at these controls. PLEASE STOP PUTTING ME IN SITUATIONS THAT REQUIRE PRECISE CONTROLS. Alright, so we save Levias, and the giant whale from hell tells us we need the three more pieces of the Hero's Song in order to go to the temple in order to get the Triforce. God forbid these fuckers just give it to us or something. IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD OR ANYTHING. Make you wish you didn't wake up that morning, eh, Link?
Alternatively: Link celebrates 4/20.
On a side note, while starting up the game, I accidentally let the main story scroll through, and I caught a couple details I missed the first time. A couple points to note -
- The backstory also answers a question I think a lot of people had regarding the population of Hyrule, especially with Wind Waker's great flood. If the story is accurate, and Skyloft contains the only remaining human populations, that would explain why the goddesses have no problem wiping out everything in the adult timeline. Hyrule IS the world. Sure, the population has spread out, increased, and probably formed multiple other cultures, but the majority of population would be centered around that arena.
I guess this could also explain the distinct lack of serious ethnic variation in most of the human population of Hyrule, but I kind of suspect it's more that we have a serious problem with race representation in the gaming industry. Of course, the last time Nintendo tried it's hand at race in the Zelda universe, we got the Gerudo...a race of thieves who gave birth to the series' Big Bad. :|
- [[FEMINISM: ON]] Although a previous hero is mentioned in dialogue, it's stated specifically that it was HYLIA who saved the last of humanity and fought Demise and his demon hordes, along with a world army of with her or possibly even at her command. This realy irks me in light of the manga, where the Hero was shown doing most of the fighting, and Hylia is only shown sealing Demise. Look, mangaka, this game already has some serious rage-y issues with excluding the female characters from the main story and sticking them in passive roles. Taking away the fight and giving it to the MALE Hero is pretty infuriating. We know she specifically took part of the fighting because Zelda mentions that Hylia suffered terrible wounds from the battle. And don't even get started on the waif-like personality and appearance of her in the manga. This is a WARRIOR goddess, one created to protect and defend the Sacred Realm. Why would she be a delicate thing? asdkjl;fsjaljl;dsafda Yes, yes, flist, I get that she's a goddess, so her appearance could be deceiving, but C'MON. Look at Impa or Aishei from the other games - they're obviously female, but their build also reflects the fact that they're tough ladies trained for combat.
It's really sad to me that the games seemed to be working on an upwards trend with female character participation, starting with OoT and going onward, and this game actually feels like a giant step back. The last Zelda game we had was Spirit Tracks, and it also happened to be the first game where Zelda was a PLAYABLE CHARACTER. What happened? Why did this game, which has so much potential to be as awesome as possible, decide to retrogress that positive trend? Think about how many female characters there are in this game. Now think about how completely forgettable the most of them are - or, if you do remember them, how many of them are memorable beyond a traditional female role? (Granted, the side characters in this game in general aren't less well developed than other games, but it's more noticeable with the girls.) Peatrice, Impa, Karane, and Faron are the only ones outside of the main cast that stick out to me. Peatrice is primarily defined by her willingness to hold on to anything of Link's. Karane is a knight in training, which is pretty awesome, but a lot of her conversation with Link is a.) hinting at her affection for Pipit or b.) telling Link how handsome and admirable he's becoming in his work at the academy. Impa is the ONLY female characters who takes an active role within the plot, and halfway through the story, she's forced to surrender that role to Link, the Hero. Faron is the most distinctive dragon you deal with, but her role is relegated to sending Link on meaningless side quests while taking little action. Zelda is too important to count as a side character, but even her most noble and admirable choice ALSO puts her in a passive role. I mean, she's literally asleep for half the game. All of her active participation in the plot is implied offscreen.
You think I'm being unreasonable? Look at the rest of the cast! All of the Gorons are male, preestablished to be a mono-gendered race that identifies as "male." All of the Mogmas identify as male - at least, we don't see any females around. The robots should be technically androgynous, but Scrapper identifies as male (he even forms an attraction to Fi, who leans feminine in appearance), as do a few of the other robot characters. Ghirahim is male - and an active villain. The Imprisoned (based on his true form) is male. Two out of the three dragons are male, and although Faron is the one with the most significant influence on the plot, her role has also earned her a lot of fandom backlash because of it.
I'm not saying that this represents the dearth of the franchise, but is a bit jarring in contrast to where the games seemed to be going before. Twilight Princess picked up a lot of flak for how much Midna ate up the plot, but honestly? It was kind of nice to play a Zelda game where a female characters shared such a large part of the spotlight. Zelda didn't get nearly as much screen time as the one in this game - and yet she STILL fought in the final battle. What about OoT? Don't get me wrong, the Zelda/Sheik debate brings up its own set of unfortunate implications, but the rest of the cast? All of the female sages have distinct personalities - and only Saria and Ruto have "romantic" overtures to Link, neither of which pan out because they have more important roles to fill. Not to mention both of them have pretty strong personalities even outside of their relationship with Link. Nabooru is distinguished by what she did before becoming a sage, and Impa is primarily defined by her relationship to another woman - Zelda.
Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of things these games do much better than a lot of others - I mean, how nice is it to play a game that avoids the medieval cliche of men earning women (i.e.: sex) for great deeds? Link saves the world because he's a good person, not because he has the promise of a BJ at the end of that. Fanservice in general is pretty balanced in these games, when it even bothers to show up (none of that good ole sexualized violence M+ games seem to love so much, either). And goodness knows how cool it was a teen girl to discover a game with a female creation myth instead of a male. These games do a lot of things right - but that's why it's frustrating when they do things so wrong, too. [[/FEMINISM OFF]]
Okay, I got that out of my system. Since I had to go visit all of these dragons, I decided a.) I was sick of seeing Faron's face, so I was going to hit the forest last, and b.) to finish up the sidequest for Kina and get the mogma...ONLY TO FIND MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN VOLCANIC ERUPTION.
This volcano is an asshole
And then -
OH MY GOD LINK THEY GAVE YOU THE SHAKE DOWN. For once, one of Link's (many) enemies realizes that the best method for survival around him is to separate him as far from his (mostly stolen) shit as possible. Now, if only it had occurred to actually destroy his shit instead of spreading it out all over the mountain. This section was slightly frustrating in that it required me to be somewhat detailed oriented AND WE ALL KNOW HOW I AM ABOUT DETAILS, FLIST. Once I stopped throwing Link into the lava and figured out where the first secret passageway was, things went pretty smoothly. I still don't know what the hell that one room with the lava platform is for, but I'm sure at some point somebody will tell me. (The Sheikah stone is currently telling me there's "a great place for skydiving" near the second fire temple, which involves me hurling Link off of a very high cliff into the abyss. No thanks, buddy. I can tell you how that's going to end.)
FINALLY, we get back the Master Sword, which is probably the best thing of best things that could happen in the history of ever. I also wish I had a screen capture of this scene because the text box upon removing the sword is also the bestest best thing ever. Paraphrased: Yay, you have the Master Sword back! Now you can solve your problems with violence again! I was going to make some smart ass comment about how nice it was for the Bokoblins to leave the sword lying around rather than just hiding it with the rest of his stuff, but then it occurred to me that OoT had established previously that when the Master Sword is forcibly separated from its master, it will embed itself in whatever hard surface is nearby until Link rescues it. So maybe Fi does that on purpose specifically so that scenario never occurs. Also, how hilarious is that last chest with, literally, 90% of Link's shit in it? It's like the developers were like "Over it" and just threw everything left in there.
Fi: Thanks for dropping me, asshole.
SO THEN WE FINALLY MEET THE DRAGON. Which is quite possibly the most anticlimatic meeting ever. The dragon's all, "Hey dude, sorry about blowing my volcanic load in your face, lol" before giving you the song. At which point, I think Link wanted to stab him in the face, and after all of that, I don't blame him. At least he seemed to really dig the song (still looks like he's peeing, though).
Sorry, volcano, this is the real asshole.
OKAY, so after getting this shit all together, I decide to head off to the Faron Woods. The Faron Woods, however, decided to head ME off, with the gate being locked and all. I figured this meant I was supposed to meet up with Lanayru first. It actually meant I was supposed to fight the Imprisoned first. How I managed to get all of this shit done without actually encountering that battle is actually pretty impressive, in my humble opinion, especially since three times is only a charm when the Imprisoned isn't involved. So I meandered my way to the Lanayru desert with the help of yet another Goron (apparently, while Hylians are fuck all useless, everybody else is interested in helping Link). I finally got to the dragon, where I couldn't learn the song because that would be way too easy. It couldn't be that easy because Lanayru decided to be an asshole and die in the interim. What follows is the most irritating labyrinth ever, as I run after a time stone and Spider-Link it all the way through. Cannot tell you how many times I got killed doing this damn thing. It's so infuriating. WHY DON'T THESE TIMESTONES HAVE A RESET BUTTONS? At least this isn't like the sand temple where you actually had to warp out in order to restart the carts in the proper position. GOD.
OKAY FINALLY, WE GET THE TIMESTONE IN THE RIGHT PLACE. We go in the past to see the dragon, who is still dying though not quite dead, which is a little bit of an improvement from before. OH MY GOD, THIS FRUIT TREE. I don't want to go into the details of how long it took me to figure out this damn thing, but I will confess outright that it never even occurred to me to dig the damn thing up. I tried...oh god, so many things. WATER FROM GODDAMN EVERYWHERE, DUMPING IT ON SHIT. The only reason I didn't spend more time trying to hunt sacred water down is because the forest was literally shut off completely. FINALLY, I figured out by accident that you could dig up the seedling. AND THEN FUCK ME, IT TOOK FOREVER TO FIND OUT WHERE TO PUT THIS DAMN SEEDLING. I tried Skyloft first, then a shit ton of other places, before I finally gave up and went and visited the forest thinking somebody most know something. I finally consulted Fi there, who decided to actually be a help for once, even if that help meant talking to me slowly as though I was a mentally handicapped, five-year-old child. "Master, you need to plant this somewhere with FERTILE SOIL where it can grow FOR A VERY LONG TIME. A LONG TIME, Master, did you get that it needed to be planted FOR A LONG TIME?"
Okay, I said. We need to figure out a place where this seedling can grow for A VERY LONG TIME.
It took about another minute for it fully click.
I get back to the Gateway, where Groose is standing by the super green area and going on about how nice a tree would be growing there. Okay, game, I think I got it. Then I go back and time, and Impa is lesbianing all over Her Grace about how nice it would be if we could PLANT A TREE OR SOMETHING for Zelda to see when she wakes up. OKAY, GAME, I THINK I GOT IT. I plan the seed (...) and Impa's all, "MAN, THAT WILL BE A SWEET TREE WHEN ZELDA WAKES UP," then goes back to thinking happy thoughts about Her Grace. I go back through the gate and pick up the fruit, where Groose is all, "DUDE, LOOK AT THIS AWESOME AND BEAUTIFUL TREE THAT JUST SPRUNG UP." I think the game is glad I got it.
We go back to Lanayru, who is lounging about in misery, much as I was at that point.
This asshole is dying.
We give him the fruit and suddenly ALL IS WELL.
This asshole not dying.
Lanayru teaches us his part of the song, Link has to go change his pants again, and then we find out that this sadistic fuck actually wants us to fight through a bunch of boss battles for him. (I like him.) When in Rome...after about two of those, I realized just how bad I really was at this game, so I gave up on the Hero's Shield and went on the rest of my quest. (I'm actually not having much of a problem with my shield breaking, anyway. I think I've only had to replace it 2-3 times over the course of the entire game, which is pretty good based on what I've heard other people say about it.)
So we finally head off to the forest AND OH FUCK ME OH GOD
IT'S THE IMPRISONED
I HATE THE IMPRISONED SO MUCH.
As though it wasn't irritating enough having to fight this muppet-shaped abomination, the entire design of this battle is the most fucking infuriating thing I've ever encountered. The Imprisoned is already a tough boss as it is, BUT THEN A MAGIC ROCKFALL MAKES GROOSE COMPLETELY USELESS TO ME. It wouldn't be so hard, but now you have to skydive onto this motherfucker's head in order to take him down. AND THERE IS ONE CHANCE - ONE FUCKING CHANCE TO DO THIS, OR THE BATTLE HAS TO START OVER. But I'm not even to the outrageous part yet. No, there's only one vent that can get you to the height to skydive onto this bastard's head - which is tough to do with the controls already - and guess what? You want to be a smart player and, instead of running up to Groose and seeing what's going on, you want to just hang out at the bottom until this steam geyser starts up again? WELL GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKER? It won't start until you talk to Groose. Yes, that's right. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO CLIMB UP THAT ENTIRE FUCKING CLIFFSIDE TO TALK TO GROOSE SO HE CAN TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO GO BACK DOWN AGAIN TO HIT THE GEYSER THAT WILL TAKE YOU HIGH ENOUGH INTO THE SKY TO DIVE ONTO IMPRISONED'S BACK. There are a lot of capslocks here flist because that is how incredibly angry this battle's setup made me. The Imprisoned isn't even a FUN boss, and I have to put up with all of this bullshit. BULLSHIT. After the third time I lost, I turned off the game and refused to play it for two days, it annoyed me THAT MUCH. When I finally played it again and defeated him, I vowed that if I had to fight this son of a bitch again, I'd intentionally let him get to Zelda. Because FUCK THIS.
Fuck you.
God. GOD. That was so hard. I can't believe how hard that was. I am so fucked when I have to fight Demise. So we find out the reason the forest is locked up is because the forest is flooded. I'm pretty sure that's not how water flow works, but whatever game. Groose decides to catapult us over because he's so helpful like that. I'm sure he didn't hope we'd hit a tree or anything on the way over so he'd have a chance at Zelda, right? (Psst - did you catch that this Link doesn't scream as much when he's tossed/thrown off of high ledges? Nice detail.)
So we get to the forest, which is, in fact, the site of a 2012-level catastrophe. We talk to the Kikwis who are both adorable and somehow not dead. They tell us to visit the tree. I waste another thirty minutes of my life trying to find my way into the tree. Amazingly, Link is not dead. Eventually, we get to land...bark...something and Faron appears to inform us that her forest has been filled with monsters, and she decided to fix this problem by flooding the forest entirely, killing everything in its path.
Wha - WHAT?
Say again?
I AM NOT SHITTING YOU. THIS CRAZY BITCH ACTUALLY FLOODED THE FOREST. Even Link is like, "BITCH ARE YOU CRAZY?" for about thirty seconds, which is kind of impressive considering the shit this guy puts up with. After pushing this small matter aside, she then decides that despite saving her life, clearing out the temples, and defeating the Imprisoned (THRICE), Link is still not worthy enough to be trusted with the Song of the Hero.
Look at this crazy asshole.
SO HE NOW MUST UNDERGO THE MOST ANNOYING QUEST IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Game - I...I can't. I just, I can't even...TADTONES? Fucking, seriously? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO HERE, FLIST? DO YOU? You have around the entire goddamn forest and collect musical fish notes. MUSICAL FISH NOTES.
IT'S FUCKING PACMAN, AND LINK IS THE HUNGRY GIRL IN A BOW.
You can't even save here from what I can tell. You can't even - YOU HAVE TO SPEND FORTY MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE DOING THIS, PEOPLE. I spent the last fifteen minutes trying to figure out where I had to jump from to turn over the lily pad and rescue the last one. AND THEN THANK YOU GOD, IT WAS OVER. Faron teaches us the song, and I swear to God, if we have to deal with her again, I will ram a sword down her fucking throat. We finally escape this hell hole of a forest when she releases the flood gates, likely killing hundreds of creatures elsewhere, and we go back to the cloud cover to finally get the entire song from Levias, whom I also hate with a profound passion since it took three tries to get on his back this time. Link seems to have at least enjoyed this cutscene, which is a good thing, since I didn't really enjoy much of anything leading up until this point.
AND HOLY SHIT, THERE IS ANOTHER TEMPLE. THERE IS ANOTHER FUCKING TEMPLE. ALJSDFJL;SDAJFKLDDJSLA;FDJAS. I feel like this game will never end. DX Okay, this seems as good a stopping place as any, so next time flist.