(no subject)
I wasn't entirely impressed with Michael Bay's take on Transformers, so after seeing the first one in theatres, I never bothered to actively attempt seeing the others. I saw the second one purely by accident - my gym was playing it on a day I'd forgotten my iPod, so I wound up watching it. It was okay. Not bad, but tolerable. It was the kind of over-budgeted action drivel I expected from Michael Bay at this point.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is not okay. It is not even tolerable. The fact that I paid $2.00 to see this film is actually irritating me. The fact that some people paid a lot more than that to see it sort of horrifies me. It's not just that it's poorly written; it's the fact that it managed to do what Bay's films, even at the worst, rarely manage to do - bore me.
-Story flow. It doesn't fucking exist. Events...happen. Not in any sort of logical or distinguishable format. They just do. We're expected as an audience to follow a complicated and illogical plot that's too complicated and illogical to do so. Halfway through this film, I had to pause because my brother (who was watching with me) and explain to him what the fuck was going on. Except that when the words came out of my mouth, I realized they still didn't make any sense when arranged in full sentences. I'm still vaguely confused about what was going on, but then again, I don't think the direct did either.
There's just too much going on. If they really wanted to created a massively epic film, they should have started building that plotline earlier - much earlier. The second film should have been setting up for the events in this film, not just hinting at them. It's a sequel film, that's why sequels are for - they are supposed to be bridges. Don't tell me the writing team didn't know there was going to be a third film. This is a cash cow franchise if there ever was one. They could have pulled this together better if they wanted to - they just didn't care.
-Sam Witwicky. You know what the problem with Sam Witwicky is? It's hard to give a shit about anything he does. Three movies later, and we're still dealing with an emotional manchild who deals with problems in the same slapstick and gratingly immature way he did at age seventeen. Except now we're supposed to believe that he's saved the world twice, gone through college, received international praise from government forces, and somehow managed to bypass any sort of character growth whatsoever. And then we're supposed to believed that these incredibly beautiful, successful women want to stick around and babysit his sorry ass while he bitches and complains about...what? Not finding a job immediately out of college? Having a shitty car? Life? We're told the government pays for his college education, acknowledges him publicly for his efforts, and this isn't a big enough reward? They have to go and hand him a job on a silver platter? Did you see the way he behaved in interviews? Would you hire that asshole?
Yeah, saving the world is a big deal, but sometimes you do the right thing because the right thing to do. I don't mind a protagonist that isn't a hearts and sunshine protagonist, but thirty minutes into the film, you just want to bitchslap Sam so hard, it's not even funny. His humor falls flat because it's the same pathetic humor that we've been dealing with for three films. Watching him fall all over himself in jealousy and anger because his highly successful girlfriend has a hot boss isn't just pathetic - it completely destroys any suspension of belief that this jackass could land a woman like Carly. Even my brother - who is not exactly the most sensitive person to portrayals of woman - stated flat out he found it ridiculous that she would put up with his insecurity and temper tantrums. We're supposed to believe that Mikaela dumped him and Carly is a much better fit for him, but after he spends thirty minutes of the movie wasting our time with with his childish bullshit, it's kind of hard not to think Mikaela had good reason.
And that leads us to...
-Carly. Rosie Whitley-Huntington is actually not anywhere near as awful as I expected her to be - she's not good, mind you - but the problem is that her character is just so...she's just there. Mikaela may have been primarily the hot girlfriend, but she's a hot girlfriend who actually did stuff. Then there's the whiplash effect of watching Sam and Mikaela cuddle for two films and then...oh, they broke up. It's just a throw away line. External issues aside, it severely weakens the film, not simply because we have switch gears character-wise but because they now have to stuff in all of Carly's characterization in one film, one that is already bursting at the seams with a bunch of other plots. And her character is ALL OVER the place. She's successful, beautiful, and confidant, yet she's with a man who is immature, whiny, and financially struggling. She's from a military family and fears the loss from war yet she gets involved with a man who has shown more than once before that he will intervene when necessary...and then she's angry and leaves him when the world needs help again? What? I mean, why was she even surprised when they happened? Why did she even bother getting involved?
AND THE HIGH HEELS. FUCKING CHRIST. Look, I love me some platforms, but for fuck's sake. She changes clothes the way people change moods throughout this film, and at no point does she think to put on flats. And she's running and climbing over everything. C'mon. No woman is that stupidly vain that she wouldn't take the damn things off at some point.
-TOO MANY CHARACTERS, NOT ENOUGH CHARACTERIZATION. This is the problem when your primary plot and primary protagonist are following two different emotional conflicts. The real issue of the movie is Sentinel Prime and his work with the Deceptions, yet we're constantly sidetracked by Sam's life (which everybody is sick of caring about) and the incompetence of the U.S. government. Characters get thrown in that don't even need to be there, some of just pulled in so they can snap off shitty one liners. We sacrifice plot cogency so, what, we can get a funny fake German dude in there? This is a movie about giant alien robots. SO SHOW US THE GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS. We're three movies in, and the most of what we know about the Autobots and their personalities is from supplemental material. When you have three films to flesh out a dozen characters, you can't waste so much goddamn time on the human characters. The priorities are completely fucked here. We're so busy watching Sam fumble interviews that we have no idea of what the hell is going on with the Transformers or why we should even care.
Where is the character complexity? The moral conflict? How does Optimus Prime feel about having to choose between Cybertron and Earth? If he's come to see Earth as home, where is his conflict over what will become of his home? What about the Autobots? The Decepticons? Who are the Wreckers? Do I even care? Cybertron is destroyed in this movie, and instead of reflecting on the seriousness of this event, we instead cut to Bumblebee fumbling around with a bunch of nuts and bolts. It's so discordant with the entire feeling of that scene that it just makes you punch every character involved.
Oh, and speaking of shitty characters...
-Racial stereotypes stopped being funny about, oh, fifty goddamn years ago, if they ever were. Wang and his "weird, nerdy Asian guy" characterization are offensive enough on their own, but the fact that he series such a useless and unnecessary role just makes it that much worse. You'd think after the uproar over Skids and Tracks, somebody might have thought twice before greenlighting that, BUT APPARENTLY NOT.
-POINTLESS ACTION SCENES ARE POINTLESS. If we don't care about any of the characters in the film, then why do we care to see then hurt? There's no drama, no punch to any of this. The one time we see a character we actually care about at gunpoint, he's miraculously saved. The only Transformers that die are ones whose names we don't know (or care) about, or they're Deceptions whose deaths are expected. At one point, we watch a building fall over for ten goddamn minutes while epic battles are going on - EPIC BATTLES THAT ACTUALLY MATTER. WATCHING PEOPLE FALL OUT OF A BUILDING DOESN'T MATTER. This is the sort of thing Michael Bay is supposed to excel at, yet it managed to be despicably boring to watch. It's an insult to my intelligence to think this is entertaining. I came here for explosions and giant robots. I came here for an epic battle scene. Instead, what I get is a fight that is utterly void of emotion or scope. Supposedly, the world is ending, but we're narrowly situated in fucking Chicago of all places, watching a small group of humans stumble around while...what? Where's this "rise up with fists" notion of human spirit? Is everybody other than Sam Witwicky just letting the Deceptions steam roll over them? You're seriously telling me that no army or civilian force anywhere is putting up a fight, however futile? The final battle just encapsulates so many of the problems of this film. It's just so empty. No characterization, no plot, no epic feeling, nothing. The film leaves the viewer feeling as apathetic as the director apparently felt about the project. And it's bullshit.
I mean, goddamn people. I don't expect great movies out of Hollywood these days, but for the millions going into the budget, I expect at least some effort. Fuck this noise.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is not okay. It is not even tolerable. The fact that I paid $2.00 to see this film is actually irritating me. The fact that some people paid a lot more than that to see it sort of horrifies me. It's not just that it's poorly written; it's the fact that it managed to do what Bay's films, even at the worst, rarely manage to do - bore me.
-Story flow. It doesn't fucking exist. Events...happen. Not in any sort of logical or distinguishable format. They just do. We're expected as an audience to follow a complicated and illogical plot that's too complicated and illogical to do so. Halfway through this film, I had to pause because my brother (who was watching with me) and explain to him what the fuck was going on. Except that when the words came out of my mouth, I realized they still didn't make any sense when arranged in full sentences. I'm still vaguely confused about what was going on, but then again, I don't think the direct did either.
There's just too much going on. If they really wanted to created a massively epic film, they should have started building that plotline earlier - much earlier. The second film should have been setting up for the events in this film, not just hinting at them. It's a sequel film, that's why sequels are for - they are supposed to be bridges. Don't tell me the writing team didn't know there was going to be a third film. This is a cash cow franchise if there ever was one. They could have pulled this together better if they wanted to - they just didn't care.
-Sam Witwicky. You know what the problem with Sam Witwicky is? It's hard to give a shit about anything he does. Three movies later, and we're still dealing with an emotional manchild who deals with problems in the same slapstick and gratingly immature way he did at age seventeen. Except now we're supposed to believe that he's saved the world twice, gone through college, received international praise from government forces, and somehow managed to bypass any sort of character growth whatsoever. And then we're supposed to believed that these incredibly beautiful, successful women want to stick around and babysit his sorry ass while he bitches and complains about...what? Not finding a job immediately out of college? Having a shitty car? Life? We're told the government pays for his college education, acknowledges him publicly for his efforts, and this isn't a big enough reward? They have to go and hand him a job on a silver platter? Did you see the way he behaved in interviews? Would you hire that asshole?
Yeah, saving the world is a big deal, but sometimes you do the right thing because the right thing to do. I don't mind a protagonist that isn't a hearts and sunshine protagonist, but thirty minutes into the film, you just want to bitchslap Sam so hard, it's not even funny. His humor falls flat because it's the same pathetic humor that we've been dealing with for three films. Watching him fall all over himself in jealousy and anger because his highly successful girlfriend has a hot boss isn't just pathetic - it completely destroys any suspension of belief that this jackass could land a woman like Carly. Even my brother - who is not exactly the most sensitive person to portrayals of woman - stated flat out he found it ridiculous that she would put up with his insecurity and temper tantrums. We're supposed to believe that Mikaela dumped him and Carly is a much better fit for him, but after he spends thirty minutes of the movie wasting our time with with his childish bullshit, it's kind of hard not to think Mikaela had good reason.
And that leads us to...
-Carly. Rosie Whitley-Huntington is actually not anywhere near as awful as I expected her to be - she's not good, mind you - but the problem is that her character is just so...she's just there. Mikaela may have been primarily the hot girlfriend, but she's a hot girlfriend who actually did stuff. Then there's the whiplash effect of watching Sam and Mikaela cuddle for two films and then...oh, they broke up. It's just a throw away line. External issues aside, it severely weakens the film, not simply because we have switch gears character-wise but because they now have to stuff in all of Carly's characterization in one film, one that is already bursting at the seams with a bunch of other plots. And her character is ALL OVER the place. She's successful, beautiful, and confidant, yet she's with a man who is immature, whiny, and financially struggling. She's from a military family and fears the loss from war yet she gets involved with a man who has shown more than once before that he will intervene when necessary...and then she's angry and leaves him when the world needs help again? What? I mean, why was she even surprised when they happened? Why did she even bother getting involved?
AND THE HIGH HEELS. FUCKING CHRIST. Look, I love me some platforms, but for fuck's sake. She changes clothes the way people change moods throughout this film, and at no point does she think to put on flats. And she's running and climbing over everything. C'mon. No woman is that stupidly vain that she wouldn't take the damn things off at some point.
-TOO MANY CHARACTERS, NOT ENOUGH CHARACTERIZATION. This is the problem when your primary plot and primary protagonist are following two different emotional conflicts. The real issue of the movie is Sentinel Prime and his work with the Deceptions, yet we're constantly sidetracked by Sam's life (which everybody is sick of caring about) and the incompetence of the U.S. government. Characters get thrown in that don't even need to be there, some of just pulled in so they can snap off shitty one liners. We sacrifice plot cogency so, what, we can get a funny fake German dude in there? This is a movie about giant alien robots. SO SHOW US THE GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS. We're three movies in, and the most of what we know about the Autobots and their personalities is from supplemental material. When you have three films to flesh out a dozen characters, you can't waste so much goddamn time on the human characters. The priorities are completely fucked here. We're so busy watching Sam fumble interviews that we have no idea of what the hell is going on with the Transformers or why we should even care.
Where is the character complexity? The moral conflict? How does Optimus Prime feel about having to choose between Cybertron and Earth? If he's come to see Earth as home, where is his conflict over what will become of his home? What about the Autobots? The Decepticons? Who are the Wreckers? Do I even care? Cybertron is destroyed in this movie, and instead of reflecting on the seriousness of this event, we instead cut to Bumblebee fumbling around with a bunch of nuts and bolts. It's so discordant with the entire feeling of that scene that it just makes you punch every character involved.
Oh, and speaking of shitty characters...
-Racial stereotypes stopped being funny about, oh, fifty goddamn years ago, if they ever were. Wang and his "weird, nerdy Asian guy" characterization are offensive enough on their own, but the fact that he series such a useless and unnecessary role just makes it that much worse. You'd think after the uproar over Skids and Tracks, somebody might have thought twice before greenlighting that, BUT APPARENTLY NOT.
-POINTLESS ACTION SCENES ARE POINTLESS. If we don't care about any of the characters in the film, then why do we care to see then hurt? There's no drama, no punch to any of this. The one time we see a character we actually care about at gunpoint, he's miraculously saved. The only Transformers that die are ones whose names we don't know (or care) about, or they're Deceptions whose deaths are expected. At one point, we watch a building fall over for ten goddamn minutes while epic battles are going on - EPIC BATTLES THAT ACTUALLY MATTER. WATCHING PEOPLE FALL OUT OF A BUILDING DOESN'T MATTER. This is the sort of thing Michael Bay is supposed to excel at, yet it managed to be despicably boring to watch. It's an insult to my intelligence to think this is entertaining. I came here for explosions and giant robots. I came here for an epic battle scene. Instead, what I get is a fight that is utterly void of emotion or scope. Supposedly, the world is ending, but we're narrowly situated in fucking Chicago of all places, watching a small group of humans stumble around while...what? Where's this "rise up with fists" notion of human spirit? Is everybody other than Sam Witwicky just letting the Deceptions steam roll over them? You're seriously telling me that no army or civilian force anywhere is putting up a fight, however futile? The final battle just encapsulates so many of the problems of this film. It's just so empty. No characterization, no plot, no epic feeling, nothing. The film leaves the viewer feeling as apathetic as the director apparently felt about the project. And it's bullshit.
I mean, goddamn people. I don't expect great movies out of Hollywood these days, but for the millions going into the budget, I expect at least some effort. Fuck this noise.