Claire has a bag over her shoulder, and is on her way to work. She'll be a little early, but that's okay--maybe if she shows up early, she can ask to leave early, too, and go hang out with West. She's dressed in jeans and a white v-neck--it's new, but she likes it a lot. It reminds her of what Elizabeth wears, sometimes.
She's wandering past the alley, unsuspecting, looking up at the trees and the sky once in a while.
Todd is careful. Todd is careful and quick, and she's not very big, anyway. Once upon a time he knew he had to protect her, and really, what's changed? They got out of the hospital (she didn't come the second time) but it never got out of them. She needs him. She has to.
He's not taking her. He knows that. Why would he think that way?
But he is slipping his arms around her from behind, hand firm-quiet over her mouth as he tugs him back into his alley as easily as a trapdoor spider takes a pretty little cricket.
"Shh," he breathes, dipping his head down next to her ear, "It's okay. It's me, it's Todd, don't worry. It's okay."
"Mmh--!" It's Claire. Claire fights, always, attempting to jerk her way out of his grasp with sharp bursts of movement--it stops when she recognizes his voice, but she's still spooked to all hell. This isn't okay, it's a step too far. She nods, minutely, and tries to step out of his arms to turn around and stare up at him.
Todd feels really proud of her for that, and of course he lets her go when she nods, reaching out to absently smooth the crumpled shoulders of her shirt for her. "I'm sorry. I just had to make sure you'd come back here and I was- I'm sorry."
This is...fairly clearly not a hospital sanctioned furlough by any means, isn't it?
"A minute, but--" She's smoothing her clothes down, too, clearly displeased as she sort of gathers her wits again. That was scary, and even though he apologized, she knows he's not supposed to be out here. Or doing what he's doing right now. "--next time just call my name. What are you doing out here, Todd?"
"There won't be a next time," he says, with simple, unemotional preciseness. "I missed you. I can miss you, right? Sometimes It's hard to tell...I don't know. Would you like to sit down?" He gestures at an overturned milkcrate.
"What do you mean, there won't be a next time? Of--of course you can miss me." She doesn't want to sit down at all; she's just looking at him with wide, worried eyes.
"Todd...tell me what's going on. You're scaring me."
"Oh, don't-" Todd's hands flutter, jerk, and curl in the air as he backs up, looking nervous. "Don't be scared of me, don't, I'd never- I mean, I couldn't-" He falls silent for a moment, lowering his hands and staring at her.
"I've been- thinking about things, lately, about- you. You a lot." Todd cocks his head to the side, unsure. "I think I lied to you. I think so?"
"I know it's--no, Todd, I know that. I'm just worried about you." They're both not saying it, and Claire...has no idea how deep the violent streak in him runs. Right now. Maybe that'll change. Who knows. She regards him, quietly, concerned.
"Well...what did you lie about?" She's mystified! And freaking out a lot, internally!
"About-" He looks down, the same old hesitant, shy Todd, can't say boo to a kitten (but said a lot more than boo to his old lockkeepers). "About being okay. I kept saying that, but- I really think that, you know, maybe? Maybe I'm not. I think-"
His hands shake, and he watches them before curling them up tighter and looking up at her with hollow eyes. "Maybe I lied. And I did some things-" His voice catches, and he swallows. "I did some- things they'll tell you about soon and I wanted to talk to you first, before it got all mixed up, to- to, you know, make sure you understood. It means a lot to me if you understand. I need you to."
And she knew he wasn't okay, never really believed it beyond the surface--there was something like gears askew in him a long time before they ever met. But she decided she doesn't care, so she's not letting herself take off, even if she probably should.
"I'll try," she says, truthfully, "What happened, Todd?"
"I had to..." This will be difficult. He can't make last, or he knows he won't be able to let go.
"Get out, you know? I just- it hurt and they wouldn't stop touching me and my guts were bleeding. Are, bleeding. So, I just, I had to, it-" He doesn't want to cry, but he's shaking, hands twisting the bottom of his sweater as he looks down and tries to breath slower. "It was- I couldn't stay there and not be able to take care of you, not be- somewhere I could help, and I just- I needed to tell you something, before I forgot, because I fucking know I will and it's the most important thing I never told you, so it matters."
He closes his eyes. "Ever since- that place, where I met you, it's been like- you're the one thing I never could fuck up and I know I'm not making, um, a lot of sense, but this is all pretty new to me, so-" He's starting to sound almost sane again, if on the verge of tears. "I worry about you, and you just- you break so easy, Claire, and that matters, and I know- I know what breaking feels like, and you- you're just so
( ... )
Claire flinches a little; shallow, empty, things she doesn't want to be, but i afraid she is, anyway. She listens with her brow furrowed, with a look of something like guarded scrutiny.
"I don't know--just--Todd, I'm sorry if--I hurt you. I never, ever meant to." That much is sincere, as she desperately attempts to make sense of what he's telling her. That he's hurt people, she understands, and is fairly horrified by it.
"I'm glad I mean something. You mean a lot to me, too."
He doesn't want her to look at him like that. He does. It's important she know he's not trustworthy. He needs her to trust him more than anything. These decisions hurt; they snarl and interweave and tie themselves up until he chokes in them, feet kicking in midair like a twitching fly.
"Oh, Claire-" His heart must be breaking, right now, it pours out of his eyes and voice and into him stepping closer, drawing her into the lightest, most fragile embrace, mouth buried in her hair and fingers curled on her back, on the curve of her neck. "I know. I know you care. You care about everything. Don't think I forgot that because I haven't and I won't, I promise I'll try.This close, he smells like old blood, and rustles in a scratchy, crinkling way
( ... )
The way he looks at her--it's almost like he's come back, in a way, like whatever bone snapped inside him has flipped back where it's supposed to be. Somewhere around 'I'm not going to stop,' she starts crying a little, because that's not allowed, it's not supposed to be like this.
Except for how it is like this.
She takes a deep breath, maybe deeper than any she's ever taken before, and hugs him tight. Part of her is still concerned with breaking him because he's so thin, for all the talk of her breakable nature. "You don't have to do this," she tells him, sort of plaintive, "You don't have to--go away."
He shushes her, stroking her hair like he's afraid he could break it all apart under his hands. He doesn't want her to cry, but he kind of expected she would anyway, one way or another.
After a while, he pulls back a bit, coaxing her to look up at him with the hand on the back of her head. He bites his lip, searching her expression, and lowers his head to touch his forehead to hers.
"It's okay, Claire. It's- better like this, I promise, I wouldn't do it if wasn't better like this. I don't want to leave you, either, but if I love you - and I do, I really, really love you - then I can't be, mm, selfish, I can't- take you and break you just to make you fit- it's not- I wouldn't love you if you weren't you, I wouldn't love you if I'd just hurt you because I was scared. It's not like that, and I know that now
( ... )
She's wandering past the alley, unsuspecting, looking up at the trees and the sky once in a while.
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He's not taking her. He knows that. Why would he think that way?
But he is slipping his arms around her from behind, hand firm-quiet over her mouth as he tugs him back into his alley as easily as a trapdoor spider takes a pretty little cricket.
"Shh," he breathes, dipping his head down next to her ear, "It's okay. It's me, it's Todd, don't worry. It's okay."
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This is...fairly clearly not a hospital sanctioned furlough by any means, isn't it?
"Do you have a minute," he asks, imploringly.
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"Todd...tell me what's going on. You're scaring me."
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"I've been- thinking about things, lately, about- you. You a lot." Todd cocks his head to the side, unsure. "I think I lied to you. I think so?"
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"Well...what did you lie about?" She's mystified! And freaking out a lot, internally!
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His hands shake, and he watches them before curling them up tighter and looking up at her with hollow eyes. "Maybe I lied. And I did some things-" His voice catches, and he swallows. "I did some- things they'll tell you about soon and I wanted to talk to you first, before it got all mixed up, to- to, you know, make sure you understood. It means a lot to me if you understand. I need you to."
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"I'll try," she says, truthfully, "What happened, Todd?"
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"Get out, you know? I just- it hurt and they wouldn't stop touching me and my guts were bleeding. Are, bleeding. So, I just, I had to, it-" He doesn't want to cry, but he's shaking, hands twisting the bottom of his sweater as he looks down and tries to breath slower. "It was- I couldn't stay there and not be able to take care of you, not be- somewhere I could help, and I just- I needed to tell you something, before I forgot, because I fucking know I will and it's the most important thing I never told you, so it matters."
He closes his eyes. "Ever since- that place, where I met you, it's been like- you're the one thing I never could fuck up and I know I'm not making, um, a lot of sense, but this is all pretty new to me, so-" He's starting to sound almost sane again, if on the verge of tears. "I worry about you, and you just- you break so easy, Claire, and that matters, and I know- I know what breaking feels like, and you- you're just so ( ... )
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"I don't know--just--Todd, I'm sorry if--I hurt you. I never, ever meant to." That much is sincere, as she desperately attempts to make sense of what he's telling her. That he's hurt people, she understands, and is fairly horrified by it.
"I'm glad I mean something. You mean a lot to me, too."
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"Oh, Claire-" His heart must be breaking, right now, it pours out of his eyes and voice and into him stepping closer, drawing her into the lightest, most fragile embrace, mouth buried in her hair and fingers curled on her back, on the curve of her neck. "I know. I know you care. You care about everything. Don't think I forgot that because I haven't and I won't, I promise I'll try.This close, he smells like old blood, and rustles in a scratchy, crinkling way ( ... )
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Except for how it is like this.
She takes a deep breath, maybe deeper than any she's ever taken before, and hugs him tight. Part of her is still concerned with breaking him because he's so thin, for all the talk of her breakable nature. "You don't have to do this," she tells him, sort of plaintive, "You don't have to--go away."
Maybe if she believes it, it'll happen.
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After a while, he pulls back a bit, coaxing her to look up at him with the hand on the back of her head. He bites his lip, searching her expression, and lowers his head to touch his forehead to hers.
"It's okay, Claire. It's- better like this, I promise, I wouldn't do it if wasn't better like this. I don't want to leave you, either, but if I love you - and I do, I really, really love you - then I can't be, mm, selfish, I can't- take you and break you just to make you fit- it's not- I wouldn't love you if you weren't you, I wouldn't love you if I'd just hurt you because I was scared. It's not like that, and I know that now ( ... )
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