(no subject)
I have a new sense of gratitude at the moment. I have spent too much time over the last year or so trying to please people, hold myself together, and to stay strong. I have tried to give off the impression that I can handle everything both good and bad, and just keep going like a good strong girl would.I have kept a smile on my face for show. I allowed myself to be treated in ways that crossed my boundries by far and as a result I ended up with much weaker boundries.I haven't let myself feel the things I needed to feel long enough to process them, understand them, and then work through them. Feelings are dangerous. If I ignore them long enough they don't leave, I just forget they are there. I can't run from my feelings anymore and I can't be someone I am not. I can't keep letting myself down and I can't keep letting go of goals and what I want in my life. I don't really have that many friends..but the few friends that I do have are amazing and more then I could ask for. I don't really have many people that I think know who I am inside and out. Over the past few weeks a few people in my life have stepped up above and beyond what I could ever expect to deserve or ask for. I hope the few friends I am talking about know who they are and how much they impact my life and encourage me to be a better person. They haven't told me what to do, how to do it, or anything near that. They have talked to me, told me they loved me, hugged me, and offered their time to me. Change is always hard. I know I am stubborn and hard headed. I know that I am my worst critic. I allow others to treat me badly. In most situations, I will defend the one treating me badly and find fault in myself any ways I can. I want back the girl that stood up for her self. I know who I am. I know at times I am not so nice to myself and I tend to act out of impulse or act out of anger. My mom and I were talking a few days ago, and she mentioned that I feel my feelings so strongly. If I feel happy then I am happy x 100, if I am sad then I am sad x 100, what I feel i REALLY feel...if I believe in something or someone...then i will defend it, protect it, fight like hell for it, and I can't give up. I guess that is a good and bad thing? I understand it is hard to handle. I understand that 99% of the time I am really hard to handle. However, the last few days, I have felt more like myself. I feel like I should be at a point in life where change should come easy, I figured by this age there would be a solid future and NO CHANGE. Change never stops. I have to accept that. I am really grateful today. I am grateful that there are a few people in my life who put time in with me, and know when I am lying and faking a smile. I am gratuful that I have people in my life who have my best interest in mind and want to see me do well. I am grateful that I am not judged and hated for not being perfect.I am grateful that I have a loving family(including my adopted brother :)who puts up with more bull shit from me then almost anyone i know) Today is a good day. I feel like I can finally stop forcing myself to stay down and focus on the things I love again. I am working part time (totally not good financially but it is a nice change from the 40-50 hr weeks before then). I get to go to school and I am actually enjoying it and the best part is that there is the most amazing woman that i love so much in BOTH of my classes. I get to stay at my parents house- three months ago I was crying because I never got to see my parents. I would only be able to come to see them once a week or once every two weeks, and it was never for more then an hour or two. Now I get to live with them. I bitch about living at home being as old as I am, oh well, I get to see my sister almost every day, and my dog, and my mommy and daddy. I have gotten to catch up with old friends. I love that even after years of distance and different places in life- we can meet up and its like there was never any time apart.I love that I have friends that have been through the same things as me , the different stages of my life, and they are stronger now then ever, which means I can be too. I am happy that I have friends that are strong and work hard for what they have in life. I am full of gratitude today and that scares the shit out of me.