Another Letter I Am Not Going To Send
This time I am skipping the middle man (gmail composer-thing) and just writing a potential idea for an e-mail here right off. This one I'd actually be a little more likely to send, as it would probably be more obvious that it is a complete joke, and not at anyone's expense, but the "wading through stuff" rule still applies, along with the new "people on the internet are very fucking crazy" rule, which means it is possible that someone could hypothetically send this as a serious letter.
This one would be to Chris Onstad if I actually sent it. So! Here we go:
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Subject: I am ON to you, ONstad!!!
Mr. Chris Onstad,
Did you really think nobody would catch on? Come on. Seriously? It is not possible that a normal mortal under normal circumstances could possibly consistently produce such high quality genius. The only possible explanations are as follows:
- You are NOT HUMAN(!!!)!
Maybe you are a god sent to bring us a slice of heaven (Valhalla? Olympus?) on Earth! Or perhaps a devil sent to provide us with something so sinfully delicious that nothing else will bring us joy ever again! You also might be some kind of space alien. I do not pretend to understand the space aliens, so I will not even speculate on what your aims might be if you are one of them.
- You are doping!
It is very sad, but in recent decades, the centuries-old national sport of the internet has been positively plagued by those who are enhancing their performance through Tibetan brain-steroids. If this is the case, I am very disappointed in you, and must ask that you confess to it now! Your comic may decline in quality, but you can't do this to yourself, Chris! Think of all your little fans! Think about Philippe! If you are truly a coldhearted and callous soul, remember that this would obviously result in disbarment from the Webcomics Olympics if you are caught! They may show leniency if you confess, sir.
- You are not a single person!
Perhaps "Chris Onstad" does not exist, and is rather a secret group of the world's top writers, who brainstorm constantly to legitimately provide heaping servings of pure genius to eager readers! Is Chris Onstad the leader, a harsh overlord who forces them to slave away in his name? Perhaps it is C.H.R.I.S. O.N.S.T.A.D., an acronym made up of their initials!
I urge you to come clean now, whatever the truth may be, Onstad. The world must know. The truth will set you free(!!!)!!!
Sincerely,
Amos
...
I really like the exclamation points with parentheses(!!!)! I am not sure why.
This one would be to Chris Onstad if I actually sent it. So! Here we go:
-
Subject: I am ON to you, ONstad!!!
Mr. Chris Onstad,
Did you really think nobody would catch on? Come on. Seriously? It is not possible that a normal mortal under normal circumstances could possibly consistently produce such high quality genius. The only possible explanations are as follows:
- You are NOT HUMAN(!!!)!
Maybe you are a god sent to bring us a slice of heaven (Valhalla? Olympus?) on Earth! Or perhaps a devil sent to provide us with something so sinfully delicious that nothing else will bring us joy ever again! You also might be some kind of space alien. I do not pretend to understand the space aliens, so I will not even speculate on what your aims might be if you are one of them.
- You are doping!
It is very sad, but in recent decades, the centuries-old national sport of the internet has been positively plagued by those who are enhancing their performance through Tibetan brain-steroids. If this is the case, I am very disappointed in you, and must ask that you confess to it now! Your comic may decline in quality, but you can't do this to yourself, Chris! Think of all your little fans! Think about Philippe! If you are truly a coldhearted and callous soul, remember that this would obviously result in disbarment from the Webcomics Olympics if you are caught! They may show leniency if you confess, sir.
- You are not a single person!
Perhaps "Chris Onstad" does not exist, and is rather a secret group of the world's top writers, who brainstorm constantly to legitimately provide heaping servings of pure genius to eager readers! Is Chris Onstad the leader, a harsh overlord who forces them to slave away in his name? Perhaps it is C.H.R.I.S. O.N.S.T.A.D., an acronym made up of their initials!
I urge you to come clean now, whatever the truth may be, Onstad. The world must know. The truth will set you free(!!!)!!!
Sincerely,
Amos
...
I really like the exclamation points with parentheses(!!!)! I am not sure why.