Joss100 Challenge: Ficlet # 14 - One of the Dead and #15 - Back to Life

[writwritewrote]

written for Joss100I've included a song between these two stories, because it acts as a bridge between them - I hope it works the way I intend. Basically, I want these two short little fics to flow from one right to the other, with the lyrics to the song connecting them. It's late at night and I'm not explaining myself well. Hopefully, anyone reading

Comments

[mutelorelei]

My brain is kinda fried this morning too, but then again, it usually is (I hate mornings), but I'll try to explain in a coherent fashion.

An example -

--Mal nods slightly, before turning away from her to look out at the stars. He thought he had died with his men at Serenity Valley, but now he realizes he lived for them.--

I felt like this last sentence was sort of an abrupt cutoff, I just felt like you were directly telling the reader where you were going with this piece without adequately explaining *why*. I get that River helped him come to this conclusion, but you went from her talking to, boom, instant epiphany for Mal, which just came across kind of off to me.

Your first few paragraphs work well, you're telling us what's going on in Mal's head and backing it up with some whys, but then your narrative seems a bit bare to me here and there, pared down to too simple statements, almost cliches. I can't quite put my finger down on the exact problem, it's more like a general impression, except for that last paragraph or so.

And it's fanfiction, so maybe I'm just over-thinking things here. You're welcome to just think I'm a crazy person and ignore me. :)

[mutelorelei]

Not crazy at all. I've reread it and I see what you're saying. I sort of did it that way purposely, honestly, because I was trying something out. To be perfectly honest, I was more interested in linking the song. Weird, I know - but the first verse fits so well with the first story and the last verse (which is a repeat of the first) fits so well with the last story.

By which I mean, the first verse, he's buried.

The end of the song (in regards to the second story) he's not buried anymore, he's gone. Am I explaining that properly? Still haven't had a coffee yet this morning. I've never done something like that before and I don't think it worked, to be perfectly honest.

Oh well, live and learn.

[writwritewrote]

The next prompt is Currents - I'll try to expand on the end of this last story and see if I can make it better. *grins*

After I've had several cups of coffee, of course.

[obsidianagirl]

I've noticed that Mal usually cuts off rather quickly when he has to think about something that's been said...of course people usually follow him trying to impress their views and that sometimes leads to face meeting fist...