Soohyun/Hoon - A Step Behind

[writtendlessly]

Title: A Step Behind
Pairing: Soohyun/Hoon, background Eli/Kevin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Selfless to a fault, Soohyun has played the martyr since before he ever needed to. But every sacrifice comes at a cost, one too big to ever fully pay.
A/N: 8k+ words of Soohyun-focused fic. I wanted to have this done by his birthday last year, so I'm only a year

Comments

[suitofarmour]

aopisudfjkls; YOU

ugh twice now and it still hurts why do you do thisss
idk i really love this though!! just that theme of loss over and over again, and soo forcing himself forward is just so heartbreaking and wonderful and awoeiudpsfjkl

ok so

- soo thinking of them as a family and kiseop throwing off the balance and being afraid because of it is so fantastic. because i think if anyone would think of them as family, it'd be him, idk

- the elvin thing and soo seeing them as a series of pictures ;____; but i've spazzed at you about that before so you know how i feel about it.
"Please don't tell us to stop," and The stress is already eating away at him, knowing that protecting these two will be yet another burden for him like UGH of course soo would protect them and of course it'd stress him out but he'd put their happiness first omg

- "I looked some things up" HOONIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE INTERNET GURL PLEASE WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS

- Soohyun spends the night dreaming of a wedding and a dog and an adopted daughter and Hoon smiling at him all the while, glowing from head to toe. aw that is just super cute and soo style, idk why, he would be all white picket fence and adorable and a soohoon adopted daughter omfg i can't even handle that image, it would just be SO WONDERFUL
and the ~oh crap it's feelings time~ realisation scene is great too ;___;

- Soohyun isn’t too surprised at it all, at the fact that as soon as he isn’t involved, everything seems better for them. He isn’t conceited enough to think his presence matters, that he’s anything important. He isn’t the keystone of the group; he’s not even sure he’s part of the arch at all.
this like hurts ok, it's just like oh bb you would think that, wouldn't you, JUST SOMEONE HUG THIS FOOL PLEASE

- but his feelings don’t matter anymore. They haven’t mattered since he turned eight years old and was suddenly the man of the house, a small boy filling too big shoes.
ok i dunno but this part just kind of speaks to me? that that was such a pivotal moment, the defining sort of you are not important and everyone else comes before you because this is your job and this is what has to happen thing for him, the reason he's all selfless leader now just like, says a lot without really having to use a lot of words and i like that

- Soohyun wants to scream at him, force him to care. ouch ouch ouch

- “You’re amazing, you know that?” Soohyun says, instead of the million different things he wants to say. “You’re gonna go places, do great things. If anyone here is going to, it’ll be you.”

Hoon laughs and responds, “What are you talking about?”

Soohyun pauses. What is he talking about?

“I just… wanted you to know,” he explains. Hoon turns to look at him, Soohyun’s hand falling back to his lap from where it had been in Hoon’s hair.

“Is there anything else you want me to know?” Hoon says softly, and the look in his eyes is too serious to mean anything less than what Soohyun thinks he means.

THIS SCENE
THIS SCENE SHARA THIS WAS LIKE THE MOMENT, OK, THE MOMENT AND I WAS ALL GEARING UP FOR IT AND I WAS READY BUT THEN I COMPLETELY WAS NOT
GODDAMNIT DONGHO YOU LITTLE SHIT I WILL PUNCH YOU UGHHHHH
UGHHHHH
THIS HURT SO MUCH

[suitofarmour]

LJ SAID MY COMMENT WAS TOO LONG ARGH

anyway

- sometimes the lead has to chase the love interest across the world, through a thousand missed connections, before they manage to meet in the middle. It wasn’t their time, he thinks, and gets up to follow Hoon.
this might be one of my favourite lines in the whole fic and THEN YOU DIDN'T CHASE HIM OMFG SOO BB WHYYY
i WAS SO LIKE OMG GO GO GO MAKE IT HAPPEN
but then i was like no it won't she's going to make it angsty cry but MAYBE THERE IS HOPE
also, side note: thinking about chasing him and then following him out of the room is like perfect and brilliant and i love you for that parallel idk

- This is all wrong, he thinks, but it’s too late now. cryyyyyy

- the whole disagreeing over flowers thing is great and then like that moment where he's standing in the church and i was just like THERE'S STILL TIME OMFGGGG but then
he was just sad and it was like reality, not a fanfiction, shit like that doesn't happen in real life, ofc hoon did not burst in/soo did not walk away
and idk that disconnect there really brought the fic into perspective for me somehow, i guess, like connected it right back to the letting go thing and to the way this whole piece kind of works, you know? like it's not telling a faerie tale or anything, it's firmly rooted in reality and it keeps dragging him back down and this is one of those moments that really drove the whole point home: this is not a drama, this is life, this is what you get

- the whole i'm sorry/no you aren't exchange -- wow just make everything worse shara you broke my hearrtttt

this is really long i'm so sorry but UGH i don't know this whole thing really drags you on a big roller coaster of emotions and kind of sets you up to follow soo and really empathise with him which i guess was the point, so: a+ job

tl;dr congrats this fic is great and you are great and i am glad this is a thing ♥♥♥
now allow me to just go chill out in my corner of angst
have a nice day

[writtendlessly]

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO REPLY TO RN OMG

- yeah i'm pretty sure he has called them a family before? like given them dumb roles and shit? idek either way he loves them a lot

- i just see soo being a romantic at heart idk idk

- SHH HOONIE IS INNOCENT HE WENT TO VERY INFORMATIVE WORD-ONLY WEBSITES (winky face)

- keke picket fence and 2.5 kids idk i just see him being like that, even if it would be kinda non-traditional if he was with a boy. and a daughter omg ;;; soo would totally adopt if he couldn't have any of his own, and idk i think he would be like "i've been with women my whole life! i want a son! i can raise him to be like me!" but then he sees a little girl (i always see them picking a toddler, not a baby) and he's sold can't go home without her

- ah yeah idk i feel bad like always referencing his father but it's such a big part of his life, and i never really thought of it until i wrote it but i guess that rly would be the start of him sacrificing for the team. if his step father didnt come into the family's life i could see him not having gone to seoul at all to be a singer, yknow?

- AH I'M SORRY FOR FEELS omg that scene ;_;

- lol i didn't even intend the parallelism ;_; but ty ty

- ah yes, reality dragging him back down! that's what i was getting at, i think, just worded better. like, he has dreams, romantic shit and just idk, big crazy dreamer shit probably but he's had to be the rock for so long that he could never take some insane chance at something impossible, especially not when he would be hurting people other than himself. and i think that's the thing maybe? he can hurt himself all he wants but he has to protect other people, even when maybe they don't need it or don't realize he's even doing it. like that rvb quote that's all “While the law has many penalties for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors that we inflict on ourselves."

and like, he wanted to wait until he didn't have the leader responsibilities before doing anything, so he wouldn't risk ukiss or have to answer to nhm. but life just doesn't let you drop one set of responsibilities without picking up another and now he has his family's expectations, the girl, her family. if it's not one thing, it's another. either he takes the risk of hurting himself and people he cares about, or he doesn't do anything and everyone is safe and happy except him.

- i'm SORRY

i'm glad feels were had tho! this is probs too angsty to be a bday fic for him but whatever i do what i want and gah ty i'm glad you liked it ;____;

[suitofarmour]

sorry sorry ;_____;

ugh romantic at heart + going home with baby toddler girl omg that is just such a cute image! ;___; i demand (nicely in such a way that it is really more of a coughhint request from the deepest part of my heart and i will give you flowers and love you forever and ever) alternate ending where he and hoon adopt a little girl together and have puppies and everything cry

yeah i feel you, we've talked about that before so again you know my feelings on the subject, lol, but idk it's a vague enough reference that i think it was as tasteful as could be in that situation without completely ignoring that it happened, which, in a way, would be even more offensive so i mean
good job on your part?? mm yea tho i agree, i don't think he'd have gone if someone wasn't taking care of his family

ugh i think i just identify too much with this kid to NOT have tons of feelings when someone writes fic about him lol esp when it comes to taking care of family first and foremost (obvs with him including all of ukiss under the blanket "family" label like honestly how was he not the leader before all of this, he's SO GOOD AT IT and there is no way anyone else really could ever have done it, i think, like. i love xander as a person, really. but he'd be a shit leader, i think, and kibum was a dick, and elvin are dicks, and kiseop -- omfg side note backup dancer i love you for that because honestly it's true sometimes and it's sad but still so true -- just doesn't have the stuff to do it, i think, and obvs they'd never make the new kids leaders... also i mean obvs he's oldest but regardless, he's perfect for it, even tho it hurts him a lot it seems like)

mm yeah i like that quote ~ it fits here.

it's so angstyyyy and non-happy endings kill me a little bit inside but congrats yours is one of the rare sad ending fics i like!

[writtendlessly]

keke maybe i'll write happy domestic soohoon with an adopted kid in the future~~~

ugh yes just all of this. no one could be a better leader than he is, even if he wasn't the oldest. lol at "kibum was a dick, elvin are dicks" because yeah true. could you imagine like, kevin as the leader? fucking lol they'd be broken up by now lbr

but yay i'm glad you like ;;;;

[suitofarmour]

if i told you that i wrote more coffee au last night would that make that "maybe" any closer to a "probably"
cry
soo needs happy endings and adopted children ;__________________;

ofc i like, you wrote it ;___;

ok bye <3