U-Kiss, Soohyun-focused - A Most Beautiful Ruby Red
Title: A Most Beautiful Ruby Red
Pairing: None, Soohyun-focused
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "Slow motion; see me let go." Soohyun is slipping, falling further into the abyss, and he's not sure he wants to fight it anymore.
Warnings: Subtle, subtle hints about contemplating suicide.
A/N: I wrote this around the time Soohyun was tweeting about being tired and ( Read more... )
NOT. OKAY. shara bby why do you do this why
whyyy
ok i just
this is such a good description of depression. it really is. i don't want to say great -- i don't want to associate anything great with depression; it just doesn't feel right -- but god, i dunno
it fits. i think if you've been depressed, reading this just feels all too familiar, and even if you haven't, it's probably easy to empathise with the way this is written -- the repetition of things like "slipping" and "warm" is really a nice touch; "warm" for example is such a simple word, such a simple feeling, but it's universal and everyone can sort of slip into soo's shoes and go, oh, right, that and the whole thing evokes so much feeling with such simple wording
because i don't think you need to get fancy when it's sort of stream-of-consciousness and emotions, you know? it's sort of stripped bare, down to the bones, and you don't need to write a lot of words to say something that means a lot
i think this is a perfect example of that
the ending is -- i don't know, it kind of hurts, but it's also such a relief, because i don't know if i like the implied ending (you know how you want to be like nooo soo get up and fight fight fight you can do it~~~) but knowing how that feels and just finally getting to put your head down and rest a little bit -- you can't begrudge him that, no one can, not really
being tired and not knowing anything about the present or the future are such important signs of being really unhappy like this and it's really emotional to read
and i'm sleepy and having trouble expressing what i'm trying to say?
i just want to say, ok, yes, this, this is how depression is, this is what it should be written like, it's not wah i'm sad oh you love me ok everything is great now, sunshine and rainbows!!! because it's not. it's just life. it's waking up every day and not knowing why, dragging yourself through the day, that numbness, that dull sort of ache in your chest, that weight on your shoulders, it just is and it's misrepresented SO OFTEN esp in fanfiction and it's really super frustrating to me
so i love that you wrote this, i love that it exists, and i wish more people would come and read it (esp if they wanna write about depression, this should be like a prereq) because it's equal parts wonderful and heartbreaking
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yeah i mean this hurts my soul and i was the one who wrote it idk. i didn't set out with any goals of like, properly expressing depression but idk, i just wanted to channel what i thought he was/is feeling, just a kind of lingering inexplicable sadness idk. maybe i projected a lot in this idk.
but ah i like "warm"~ i think it describes a lot idk. all the things/places people typically associate with comfort are normally warm idk. and just him need to rest, i kinda went with a more literal idea of him just, idk sleeping in a nice warm bed idk. IDK WHAT IM SAYING HERE LET ME MOVE ON
but ah yeah i wanted to not make it such an outward thing. i think that's what fic tends to do, make depression this outwardly expressed thing in order to move a plot forward. yknow, the person harms themselves, cries a lot, purposely sits alone and quiet, etc. and idk, it can manifest like that, but i think a lot of the time it's a really private thing. especially with what i was trying to express with soohyun, because he would keep in internalized if not out of some martyrdom type thing then just because he really can't be the one to break. like with the line where i'm all, ~he's at the center and if he cracks, the rest crumble~ (can't even properly quote my own fic lol). like, even he WANTED to be weak, he couldn't.
and idk i think i addressed that too, i feel like anyway. the paragraph about like, he could ~never pass another day~ if he really wanted to. options are there. and at times i would be scared he'd consider it if not for (what i addressed at the end of the paragraph) his family having to already go through a death with his father, yknow? idk if this makes sense i'm babbling.
but yes the ending*~ idk i kinda left it ambiguous just because i don't really know what would happen, maybe he doesn't either. part of it was supposed to be metaphorical but it could also be more literal, as in like, the ending part is his death or a coma or something of that type. idk idk idk. soohyun makes me feel things ;_; and maybe more than half of the things are just me projecting but still.
blah this is long sorry, soo brings out all the feels.
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i think the whole piece really carries off the idea that depression isn't being sad -- the definition of the word "depressed" is to lower or lessen in value, to make dull. to put down. and it's tossed around as being synonymous with "sad" so often, but it's not. being depressed is being tired, is realising you aren't getting anything out of what you're doing, is struggling and sprinting through life and not wanting to give yourself a moment to stop and breathe and think too hard about things because you don't think you'll like what you'll find, or maybe you won't recognise it anymore; it's this dissonance between real life and what you feel, not matching up, not being enough, being disconnected from everyone and everything around you and not knowing if you care about it anymore
and this does such a great job of depicting that. i think i've probably only seen a couple other fics that do it as well as this one does (and i have read a lot of fanfiction, ok, i think i said it before, but i've been in and out of fandom/kfandom since i was like fourteen or fifteen.)
and the end. in the end, he's just so tired, and he can hear them but he's past caring and it is so downright frightening that he doesn't drag himself back for them -- for them, always for them, not for himself, which is so in character and makes it all so much more sad to read
and that this is the one and only selfish act -- closing his eyes and giving up -- is so heartbreaking to me. because like you wrote, he's the centre, and they need him -- if he takes a break, he's hurting them, and he'd put all of that before himself. and he'd never say it because he's just not that guy; it's private, like you said. he doesn't do it for attention.
the whole thing embodies his emotions so well, and it doesn't need any kind of surface narrative to explain what's happening to him. he's the focus, and i like that.
and this -- i don't know, this hits really close to home. i think this is my favourite of the things you've written.
this may be the closest to coherent that i've been on any of your fics \o/ i think maybe i also repeated myself from the first comment, but i feel the need to reiterate all of this because i really like it and you should know that!
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like, as much as i don't really believe in the martyr image anymore (at least so far as i don't believe it's all coming from him) it still really is what he would do/think, i guess. like, he wants to do the best he can for them, maybe he thinks that's his job bc of being leader, but he's a human too and i believe if he got a chance to just, idk, take a break for himself that he would.
sorry this isn't as long of a response but ty ;___; i'm glad you liked it
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but like even if it wasn't intentional, if you can make someone feel something with your writing, then that's good, right? that seems to me to be what all writers are actually aiming for, anyway -- to have someone read their work and have some sort of emotional response (good or bad) and take something personal away from it
so hooray for you
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