Title: Will The Real Kim Jong Oon Please Stand Up?
Parings: bandfic, extremely slight eunhae if you squint, slight mention of DBSK
Rating: PG
Genre: humour, crack
A/N: sequel to
Yesung is Kim Jong Il’s Son?Summary: The real Kim Jong Un finds out and goes to find Yesung. Chaos ensues. [Credit for plot idea goes to
yukino_yume, thanks!] It's unbeta-ed, please forgive grammatical errors!
Written for
yukino_yume and
mapsandlucy who requested a sequel - I hope they read this and like it!
Will the Real Kim Jong Oon Please Stand Up?
Kyuhyun tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep peacefully after the major revelation following the article. Across the room, Sungmin mumbled something unintelligible at him, but Kyuhyun ignored it in favour of matters more important than Sungmin’s beauty sleep.
Was that month-old Swiss article reliable? How could Yesung really be the son of Kim Jong Il? Why, they all knew Yesung’s parents, especially his mum, who was one of the friendliest ajummas Kyuhyun had ever met.
His mind began to run wild with possibilities. Maybe Yesung was adopted, like DBSK’s Jaejoong. Maybe he was a spy planted in South Korea by the North and his parents were fake ones!
The cool, rational part of his brain (that allowed him to win so often at Starcraft) told him that he must have misunderstood Yesung’s phone call to his dad. After all, each of them often misconstrued what another member was saying. In fact, this happened to Donghae at least thrice a day. Yes, that was it.
And with that calming thought, Kyuhyun happily went to sleep knowing that all was right with the world as he knew it.
--
A couple of months later…
“Sir, we have disturbing news from overseas.” Kim Jong Un looked up from the documents he was reading to see what could be more important than the military reports of the day.
His personal advisor handed him an article in a foreign language and a translation in Korean on a sheet of paper along with it.
He gave the picture in the article a short glance before scanning the translation, his eyes growing wider with every paragraph.
“What rubbish is this? Are you suggesting that I’m not the real Kim Jong Un, son of our Dear Leader of North Korea? You think it’s this ugly pop singer?” The 25-year-old rose up from his seat angrily.
His advisor, being at least twice his age, wasn’t intimidated by this outburst in the least. “I am not suggesting that, sir, but if other countries assume that this person is you, then it will not bode well for your reputation.”
The young man nodded curtly and strode out of the room.
--
A few weeks later, Super Junior was enjoying another one of those rare days off, congregated in the 11th floor dorm watching entertainment news. You never knew whether you’d be misrepresented one of these days, what with the recent DBSK lawsuit against SM Entertainment, the press loved to write about anything related in any way to anyone currently in the spotlight.
Then their doorbell rang, and Heechul nudged Shindong to get it, who in turn told Donghae to get it, who complied, but dragged Eunhyuk to go with him.
“Yah, it’s not even my dorm, Hae!” Eunhyuk whined pitifully while being dragged away from a segment on the latest drama highlights.
“Lee Hyukjae, wouldn’t you be sorry if it turned out to be some anti-fan, and you weren’t there to rescue me?”
Eunhyuk contemplated shaking his head, but opted for silence instead. Donghae could be so silly sometimes. As if the security downstairs hadn’t protected them pretty well thus far.
Donghae peered through the peephole in the door while Eunhyuk tried to avoid stepping on any of the strewn pairs of shoes. “Hey, there are… a lot of them outside, but I don’t see any cameras. We’re not being filmed today, right?”
Eunhyuk thought for a while and shrugged. “Do they look official? Familiar?”
“Well, they’re wearing suits and everything, but I’ve never seen them before. Maybe we’re in trouble. Maybe one of the hyungs forgot to pay rent!”
“SM pays our rent, Donghae. Let’s just open the door and see what they want.”
While they had been discussing all this, the doorbell had rung again five more times, and Eeteuk was sufficiently annoyed at what was taking so long, coming up behind them just as Donghae opened the door, revealing several burly men in black standing behind a shorter man in a suit.
“Hello, is this the residence of Kim Jongwoon?” The young man asked, his voice pretty much emotionless.
“Excuse me, but who are you, and why are you looking for him?” Eeteuk stepped forward, curious about their identity.
“So he does live here. Where is he?” He demanded, and Eeteuk felt a little annoyed at the man’s presumptuous nature.
“Look, I can’t let you in until I know who you’re representing. Are you from one of the TV stations, or the building’s management or-”
One of the big men whipped out a large gun from behind him, and Eunhyuk screamed like a girl, latching on to Donghae for support.
“What-what do you want?” Eeteuk asked, his voice high-pitched and trembling now.
“What the hell’s going on out there?” Kangin yelled irritably from the living room.
The three members stepped back cautiously as the whole troupe of men strode into their dorm, not bothering to remove their shoes.
“WHERE IS KIM JONGWOON?” The young man bellowed, and the rest of Super Junior turned to see him with a lot of other men armed with guns.
A lot of yelling and chaos ensued, while Kangin looked around helplessly for something to defend himself with, and Ryeowook hid himself behind Siwon’s larger body in fear.
One of the men shot the ceiling with a loud BANG, and they all fell silent so quickly that Eeteuk momentarily wished he had one of those.
“You- you’re looking for me?” Yesung pointed at himself incredulously. Who was this crazy guy? Some insane anti-fan?
“Yes, you! The one in this article!” The man chucked a familiar piece of newsprint at them, and Kyuhyun’s eyes widened in alarm.
“I knew it! You really are the son of Kim Jong Il! You liar!” None of them had ever seen their maknae freak out like this before, and realisation dawned on them as they recognised the incriminating article.
Suddenly, Yesung found himself alone in front, while all the rest had scooted further back by at least six feet from him.
“Are you claiming to be the son of Kim Jong Il?” The young man took a few steps nearer Yesung, who stood up with a false bravado.
“I…yes, I am.” A collective gasp went around the room, and even the guards looked shocked at his outrageous admission.
“Impossible! I am the real Kim Jong Un!”
“Look, I know you are. Didn’t your father tell you that you had a twin?” Kim Jong Un looked at Yesung from head to toe.
“He- that’s what he said when I confronted him about the article, but I don’t believe it! I’m ten times more handsome than you - how can you be my twin?” Heechul made a gagging sound at this statement, and Sungmin rolled his eyes.
“I was sent to South Korea by our real mother, because she didn’t want both her fraternal twin sons to be stuck in that country of yours. She figured one of us was enough to satisfy our father, and I was raised by my foster parents in South Korea. I only found out when I was twenty-one!”
Kibum did some quick counting in his head. “Isn’t that around the time when we debuted?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to tell anyone about it - they’d think I was mad! And I wouldn’t have been able to debut with Super Junior!”
He paused and took a calming breath of air. “Your father found out about it somehow and I was contacted then, but I didn’t take up his offer to join him.”
“So you’re a traitor to our country!” One of the guards spat in disgust. “Abandoning the motherland for South Korea, our enemy!”
“But I’m from China…” Hankyung mumbled despairingly. “…shouldn’t I be let off?” Siwon patted him on the back comfortingly.
“You know, he’s right.” Kyuhyun whispered. “I bet SJ-M could pretend to be from China. Maybe they’d let us off after hearing our excellent Chinese.”
Ryeowook gave him a queer look. Even a foreigner could tell that Kyuhyun’s Chinese was terrible.
“What are you going to do, sing Super Girl to them in Chinese?” Shindong scoffed, and the guards sent them pointed looks, waving their guns threateningly.
“Okay, I’ve had it. This is stupid.” Heechul stood up and dusted himself off, to their surprise.
“Hyung! What are you doing?” Siwon cried in horror.
“Look, whoever you are,” Heechul addressed Kim Jong Un and his entourage loftily, “if you want Yesung, then you can take him and leave me out of this. I’m not the heir to North Korea.”
“WHAAA-AAT?”
Hankyung contemplated following suit, but Siwon’s heavy hand on his shoulder kept him down. “We’re not going to abandon Yesung-hyung like this!”
“Calm down, everyone!” Eeteuk yelled in his best leader voice. “Now, let’s talk this over like civilised people. What do you want with our Yesung?”
Kim Jong Un folded his arms grimly. “You see, I can’t have anyone threatening my rise to power in my country. Now that my elder brothers are out of the way, I only need to get rid of him, and I will rule!”
“G-get rid of Jongwoon hyung?” Ryeowook squeaked in terror, and Kim Jong Un scowled.
“Don’t call him that! And yes, I could have him killed right now!”
Yesung’s face turned paper white, and Kangin stood up angrily. “You’d be arrested, you psycho! This is our country you’re in now.”
The man didn’t even blink. “Then I’ll make sure none of you are alive to tell anyone until we leave your pathetic country.”
Eunhyuk’s legs wobbled in fear and he clung onto Sungmin for support. “I don’t want to die young! I haven’t even had my first-!”
Everyone stared at him. “Your first what?” Kibum asked interestedly.
Eunhyuk blushed furiously. “N-nothing! Forget I said anything!” He flailed around helplessly, and Donghae grinned knowingly.
“Aww, Hyukkie. That’s so cute!”
“Can we please be serious here for a minute? My life is at stake!” Yesung yelled in desperation, shocked at the lack of care being shown by his members.
Heechul had folded his arms crossly the moment Kim Jong Un mentioned killing them. “Excuse me, but who do you think we are? We are Super Juni-”
“OEYO!” Their hands went out automatically in a unified motion that made Eeteuk proud and a little teary.
“We have thousands of adoring fans who stalk our building day and night! Kill us, and you’ll have all the Elves hunting you down and tearing you apart before you know it.”
“Y-yeah!” Sungmin stood up as well. He knew martial arts, he didn’t need to be so afraid of these big guys. “We’re idol singers. Even the police love us!”
Kim Jong Un looked surprised at their confident claims, having momentarily forgotten who they were.
“And I don’t even want to challenge you!” Yesung wailed in frustration, and Kim Jong Un looked even more stunned.
“You…you don’t?”
“NO! I just want to be a singer, okay? Not some dictator over your country! You can go do that all you like for all I care!”
The other man looked utterly relieved for a few seconds, before a suspicious look came over his face. “How do I know you’re not just saying this now, and you might try to steal my place some day?”
“If I wanted to, wouldn’t I have done so four years ago? You have to believe me!”
Kim Jong Un’s shoulders slumped. “I…I don’t actually want to kill all of you.”
The thirteen of them sighed in relief.
“I just want to take over from my father and do him proud. I’ve worked so hard for it all these years.”
“I know what that’s like.” Donghae said seriously, and all the members’ expressions immediately turned sad, their eyes suspiciously red.
Some of the guards looked confused, and Eeteuk kindly explained to them Donghae’s heartbreaking situation, and they nodded back sombrely, firm believers in patriarchal piety.
“Do you mean it when you say you won’t contest me?” Kim Jong Un looked at Yesung hopefully, and the singer resisted the urge to smack his new-found brother on the head.
“Yes, I do. In fact, I’ll go and destroy the evidence that I’m at all related to you. You’ll never see me again.” He promised quickly, eager to get this guy out of the apartment as soon as possible.
Kim Jong Un looked as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. “Thank you, brother! I shall never forget this kindness! What can I do to show my gratitude?”
“It’s okay, you know, just…leave.”
“What is he doing?” Heechul asked, aghast at Yesung’s now reticent behaviour. “Ask for a province or something, you idiot!”
Then a thought occurred to Kyuhyun. “Wait a minute. How did you find out where we live?”
Kim Jong Un smirked in a superior manner. “Please, we have contacts everywhere in South Korea. There’s nothing we can’t find out that we want to.”
“Actually,” his chief guard admitted, “We checked your fanclub’s official site for information. There was a detailed outline on how to reach your building from every city in South Korea, including the level and unit number.”
Upon hearing that, the Super Junior members shuddered involuntarily. ELF could be scary at times. Supportive, cute and loving, but still scary.
“Well,” Kim Jong Un concluded, a little perturbed by his guard’s honesty, “I guess we’ll be returning back to the motherland now. Are you positive there isn’t anything I can do for you? I wasn’t lying about the contacts. We can be very intimidating if necessary.”
Yesung was about to refuse again, when his attention was caught by the television that hadn’t been turned off due to the shocking arrival, and the others followed his gaze to the screen showing the entertainment news about a court case.
They looked back at Kim Jong Un with identical looks on their faces - one thought in their minds.
“Actually, there is.”
--
One week later when they were all congregated in the other dorm, Eunhyuk received a rather loud and excited phone call from someone loud and excited.
“Hey guys, guess what?” 12 pairs of eyes shifted to look at him.
“That was Junsu. They’ve won the lawsuit against SM!”
Please give your comments and criticism - I would love to have them!