Well I want you to notice, to notice when I'm not around...
I'm having a really hard time staying on track today. My mind keeps bouncing from one subject to the next without much time in between.
I keep realizing new things. And then realizing the opposite. I should explain. First I'll think about how I sort of wish I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend - someone special to share the holidays with, to talk about life with, to cuddle with. Then I realize and remember all the reasons why I don't have one. Seriously, I can't imagine making my life about anyone else. I'm a giving person but I like to give when I want to give not to feel obligated to bestow nuances of emotion upon someone requiring me to do so. I can't imagine that life.
Oh I know, not all relationships are like that. I know that. I do. But really, why do I see so many that are? Besides can you even imagine the saint I'd have to find that would put up with all of...me? It's almost too ridiculous to even consider. Besides having to over look internal and external scars they'd have to put up with my neurotic, sporadic personality. Oh yeah, that's so going to happen.
I don't know.
Besides, who's to say I could stand putting up with them? I mean, I know what I can't put up with that's for sure. I have a very solid idea of exactly what I can and can't stand. And, there's often very little wiggle room.
Inflexible, comes to mind....
Oh well. What can I say? I yam who I yam.
I have so much to do today and so little patience for doing it. I want to think about where the hell my life is going, what I want to do. I want to figure me out. I definitely don't have time to sit and figure someone else out. I have too many friends to assist first.... Yes, that's it.
That and let's be honest. I can't take any more hurt. Not right now.
I feel so broken - like I've been damaged by too many careless hands rummaging through my pages. I want to feel clean, whole, complete. But I don't.
"Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses"
--"White Houses," Vanessa Carlton
Maybe no one does, not really. Maybe I'm just more honest than others. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I keep realizing new things. And then realizing the opposite. I should explain. First I'll think about how I sort of wish I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend - someone special to share the holidays with, to talk about life with, to cuddle with. Then I realize and remember all the reasons why I don't have one. Seriously, I can't imagine making my life about anyone else. I'm a giving person but I like to give when I want to give not to feel obligated to bestow nuances of emotion upon someone requiring me to do so. I can't imagine that life.
Oh I know, not all relationships are like that. I know that. I do. But really, why do I see so many that are? Besides can you even imagine the saint I'd have to find that would put up with all of...me? It's almost too ridiculous to even consider. Besides having to over look internal and external scars they'd have to put up with my neurotic, sporadic personality. Oh yeah, that's so going to happen.
I don't know.
Besides, who's to say I could stand putting up with them? I mean, I know what I can't put up with that's for sure. I have a very solid idea of exactly what I can and can't stand. And, there's often very little wiggle room.
Inflexible, comes to mind....
Oh well. What can I say? I yam who I yam.
I have so much to do today and so little patience for doing it. I want to think about where the hell my life is going, what I want to do. I want to figure me out. I definitely don't have time to sit and figure someone else out. I have too many friends to assist first.... Yes, that's it.
That and let's be honest. I can't take any more hurt. Not right now.
I feel so broken - like I've been damaged by too many careless hands rummaging through my pages. I want to feel clean, whole, complete. But I don't.
"Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses"
--"White Houses," Vanessa Carlton
Maybe no one does, not really. Maybe I'm just more honest than others. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.