Letting Go
Title: Letting Go
Written for: fanfic100
Fandom: Gilmore Girls
Character(s): Jess Mariano (Rory Gilmore)
Prompt: 033. Too Much.
Word Count: 1050
Rating: PG
Summary: Is there a specific time when you realize you have to let go?
Author's Note: Hi! I’m back! My angsty mood almost got ruined by happy fics this morning, but I think this one still has the original feeling I was intending. Maybe I should have tried something happy instead, but I have a strange need for writing angst and sorrow.
Disclaimer: I never have and (sadly) never will own anything related to Gilmore Girls or Jess Mariano.
It is early; he is tired and too surprised to think. That’s what he tells himself at least, what he has to tell himself when he realizes what he is doing.
Because there is no way he’d make the same mistake again. No way in hell.
So he breaks away from the kiss, a kiss that hasn’t really gotten started and that he realizes he misses as soon as he loses contact.
But he can’t do this he tells himself and backs away.
“What are you doing?” she asks and looks at him with confused eyes.
“I can’t do this,” he says mirroring his thoughts, motioning vaguely between them and shakes his head.
“What do you mean?” Her voice wavers a bit and he takes a deep breath.
“This…us…whatever that means…” he trails off, not sure how to explain, or why he has to explain for that matter.
“But…why not?”
“Because Rory, I just…”
“You what?” she asks, getting a bit frantic.
“Why are you here?”
“What?” she exclaims, stunned by his question.
“You heard me. Why are you here?”
“I just wanted to see you…”
“At 4,30 in the morning?”
“Yes…”
“What about your boyfriend?”
“We…um we broke up.”
“Oh, great,” he nods. “Congratulations.”
“What!” she exclaims, looking hurt by his words.
“The guy was a complete jerk Rory. Did you really expect me to feel sorry for you?”
“No, maybe not, but you didn’t have to do a victory dance right in front of me.”
“It’s early, ok. Had I been more awake I’d have done a tap dance in the kitchen. Happy?”
“Fine.”
“Still doesn’t explain why you’re here.”
“I told you I wanted…”
“To see me. Yes, I heard you.”
“Well…”
“Ok, new question. What do you want?”
“I…want to…start over, with us…” she stutters out uncertainly. “I thought you’d…”
“Jump at the chance?”
“I…” she faltered.
“God, Rory, you can’t do this. I can’t keep playing by your rules; I just can’t do it anymore,” he says, desperately trying to keep his voice in check.
“Jess, please,” she pleads with him, taking a step forward, but he backs away again.
“I love you,” he says quietly, looking at her with pain clearly visible in his eyes. “I probably have since the first time I walked into your room, when I was seventeen.”
“So, what’s the problem?” she asks urgently, reaching out a hand to touch his arm.
He watches her hand as it comes closer and this time he doesn’t move. He tries to speak, but nothing comes out and he continues to watch her hand as it reaches him. He feels her fingers skim the skin on his wrist and feels the well known shiver of her touch. For a second longer he stands still, watching her hand, but then he shakes his head and takes another step back, closing his eyes.
“It hurts too much,” he says quietly, finally able to speak and opens his eyes again, keeping them on her still outstretched hand. He takes a deep breath and looks up at her. “It could never work Rory,” he continues and shakes his head again. “It was never meant to work. There’re too many obstacles, too much history, just too much of everything.”
“Don’t say that,” she says urgently, feeling tears threaten to break out in the corners of her eyes. “We could make it work, I know we could. We just have to try.”
“Rory, please,” he says tiredly, “don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
“But why?” she asks, squeezing her eyes shut for a second to stop the tears from spilling. “Why can’t we make this work? Why won’t you even try?”
He stays silent for a while, wanting badly to reach out and wipe away the tears he sees collecting in her lashes. “You still haven’t told me why,” he finally says quietly.
She stares at him, shocked, and opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. He nods to himself.
“Six months ago you were standing in almost the same spot as now, telling me that you loved someone else,” he says, squeezing his eyes closed for a second. “Now you come here, telling me that you broke up with him, that you don’t really love him and that you want to be with me.”
“I…I do want to.”
“Then why can’t you say it without hesitating? Why can’t you say that you love me? You’d have to if you really wanted to be with me, right?”
“It’s not…”
“Not that easy?” he says, shaking his head. “It’s exactly that easy. It’s just three words. If you really wanted to you’d have no problems saying them. But you never did.”
“And when should I have told you?” she throws out, not sure if she is more hurt or angry. “Before or after you ran away?”
“Damnit, Rory!” he exclaims. “This is exactly why it can’t work. And don’t you think I know I’m the one who screwed this up in the first place? I’ve regretted that for the past three and a half years.”
“Jess, I’m…”
“Don’t,” he cuts her off. “Please.”
“I do love you,” she whispers, her tears finally spilling over. “Please, you have to believe me.”
He nods and takes a step forward, reaching out to wipe her tears away with his thumb. “Sometimes I still feel like I did then,” he whispers. “Terrified at realizing I’m falling in love and finding everything falling apart around me.”
“This doesn’t have to fall apart,” she pleads, her tears falling faster with every passing moment.
“It already has,” he whispers, taking a deep breath. “It’s just taken a long time for everything to catch up.”
She breathes shakily, looking up at him through watery eyes and takes his hand, still on her cheek, in hers. “Will you hold me again?” she asks, barely audibly.
He nods and wraps his arms around her, eyes tightly shut and breathes in the smell of her hair. It’s different than he remembers, but she still feels the same in his arms. She nestles her head on his shoulder and he softly presses his lips against her temple before leaning his head on hers.
And for a second he wonders if it could work after all.
Written for: fanfic100
Fandom: Gilmore Girls
Character(s): Jess Mariano (Rory Gilmore)
Prompt: 033. Too Much.
Word Count: 1050
Rating: PG
Summary: Is there a specific time when you realize you have to let go?
Author's Note: Hi! I’m back! My angsty mood almost got ruined by happy fics this morning, but I think this one still has the original feeling I was intending. Maybe I should have tried something happy instead, but I have a strange need for writing angst and sorrow.
Disclaimer: I never have and (sadly) never will own anything related to Gilmore Girls or Jess Mariano.
It is early; he is tired and too surprised to think. That’s what he tells himself at least, what he has to tell himself when he realizes what he is doing.
Because there is no way he’d make the same mistake again. No way in hell.
So he breaks away from the kiss, a kiss that hasn’t really gotten started and that he realizes he misses as soon as he loses contact.
But he can’t do this he tells himself and backs away.
“What are you doing?” she asks and looks at him with confused eyes.
“I can’t do this,” he says mirroring his thoughts, motioning vaguely between them and shakes his head.
“What do you mean?” Her voice wavers a bit and he takes a deep breath.
“This…us…whatever that means…” he trails off, not sure how to explain, or why he has to explain for that matter.
“But…why not?”
“Because Rory, I just…”
“You what?” she asks, getting a bit frantic.
“Why are you here?”
“What?” she exclaims, stunned by his question.
“You heard me. Why are you here?”
“I just wanted to see you…”
“At 4,30 in the morning?”
“Yes…”
“What about your boyfriend?”
“We…um we broke up.”
“Oh, great,” he nods. “Congratulations.”
“What!” she exclaims, looking hurt by his words.
“The guy was a complete jerk Rory. Did you really expect me to feel sorry for you?”
“No, maybe not, but you didn’t have to do a victory dance right in front of me.”
“It’s early, ok. Had I been more awake I’d have done a tap dance in the kitchen. Happy?”
“Fine.”
“Still doesn’t explain why you’re here.”
“I told you I wanted…”
“To see me. Yes, I heard you.”
“Well…”
“Ok, new question. What do you want?”
“I…want to…start over, with us…” she stutters out uncertainly. “I thought you’d…”
“Jump at the chance?”
“I…” she faltered.
“God, Rory, you can’t do this. I can’t keep playing by your rules; I just can’t do it anymore,” he says, desperately trying to keep his voice in check.
“Jess, please,” she pleads with him, taking a step forward, but he backs away again.
“I love you,” he says quietly, looking at her with pain clearly visible in his eyes. “I probably have since the first time I walked into your room, when I was seventeen.”
“So, what’s the problem?” she asks urgently, reaching out a hand to touch his arm.
He watches her hand as it comes closer and this time he doesn’t move. He tries to speak, but nothing comes out and he continues to watch her hand as it reaches him. He feels her fingers skim the skin on his wrist and feels the well known shiver of her touch. For a second longer he stands still, watching her hand, but then he shakes his head and takes another step back, closing his eyes.
“It hurts too much,” he says quietly, finally able to speak and opens his eyes again, keeping them on her still outstretched hand. He takes a deep breath and looks up at her. “It could never work Rory,” he continues and shakes his head again. “It was never meant to work. There’re too many obstacles, too much history, just too much of everything.”
“Don’t say that,” she says urgently, feeling tears threaten to break out in the corners of her eyes. “We could make it work, I know we could. We just have to try.”
“Rory, please,” he says tiredly, “don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
“But why?” she asks, squeezing her eyes shut for a second to stop the tears from spilling. “Why can’t we make this work? Why won’t you even try?”
He stays silent for a while, wanting badly to reach out and wipe away the tears he sees collecting in her lashes. “You still haven’t told me why,” he finally says quietly.
She stares at him, shocked, and opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. He nods to himself.
“Six months ago you were standing in almost the same spot as now, telling me that you loved someone else,” he says, squeezing his eyes closed for a second. “Now you come here, telling me that you broke up with him, that you don’t really love him and that you want to be with me.”
“I…I do want to.”
“Then why can’t you say it without hesitating? Why can’t you say that you love me? You’d have to if you really wanted to be with me, right?”
“It’s not…”
“Not that easy?” he says, shaking his head. “It’s exactly that easy. It’s just three words. If you really wanted to you’d have no problems saying them. But you never did.”
“And when should I have told you?” she throws out, not sure if she is more hurt or angry. “Before or after you ran away?”
“Damnit, Rory!” he exclaims. “This is exactly why it can’t work. And don’t you think I know I’m the one who screwed this up in the first place? I’ve regretted that for the past three and a half years.”
“Jess, I’m…”
“Don’t,” he cuts her off. “Please.”
“I do love you,” she whispers, her tears finally spilling over. “Please, you have to believe me.”
He nods and takes a step forward, reaching out to wipe her tears away with his thumb. “Sometimes I still feel like I did then,” he whispers. “Terrified at realizing I’m falling in love and finding everything falling apart around me.”
“This doesn’t have to fall apart,” she pleads, her tears falling faster with every passing moment.
“It already has,” he whispers, taking a deep breath. “It’s just taken a long time for everything to catch up.”
She breathes shakily, looking up at him through watery eyes and takes his hand, still on her cheek, in hers. “Will you hold me again?” she asks, barely audibly.
He nods and wraps his arms around her, eyes tightly shut and breathes in the smell of her hair. It’s different than he remembers, but she still feels the same in his arms. She nestles her head on his shoulder and he softly presses his lips against her temple before leaning his head on hers.
And for a second he wonders if it could work after all.