the mind summons corrupt thoughts
i've never been a photogenic person. i hate having to pose for pictures. i've never been a sociable person. it seems as though i put out this pretense to others when i meet them, being silent, looking around, not sitting still. people take it as though i'm disinterested. rather its more of my way of adjusting to new situations. i give people terse answers, weird spontaneous comments, i basically make a fool out of myself. it's all part of a vicious cycle. i like the awkward silence when i'm around people, it gives this suspense of what the other person is thinking. sitting in an environment, smiling at people is much more appealing. i tend to give off this impression of excitement, when something's bothering me. it's my remedy to make other people laugh when i'm hurting. it eases the pain. it's contradictory the way i always feel the need to be made assured by others about all aspects of life, yet i can't reciprocate. i ponder on life often, where i'll be, how happy i'll be. there's always a spect of light that i seek in the room of darkness surrounded by negativity. i ask myself how come i'm so afraid to love. it's not love that i'm afraid of, it's the imediate rejection that scares me. no one wants rejection. i used to be apprehendsive about other people, the way they precieved me. naturally we all go through that one time or other in life. there's often times when i feel the need to escape, leave the shattered pieces and move on, avoiding any more damage. Confrontation bitterly scares me to death. it's funny though, i used to cry non stop, having every little thing affect me. i'd just sit there in an empty room and cry my heart out. ha, but the worst is yet to come, there's always another day. it's much more satisfying to lay there have the music cry for you, playing your notes of pain. it's comforting.