(no subject)
If you ask the reason, then obviously you've never had to experience the pain of having nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. The horrible embarrassment of realizing you're not good enough, the incredible need to get the disease out. To ride yourself, to cleanse yourself. It's the only way. How else when there's no one to hear it? Or no one alive that could possibly understand...at least that's what you think. There's nothing wrong with you...or nothing that should be wrong, yet everything's wrong. And you have no where to go.... That's the biggest part. Is having no where to turn. At least for me. I've been needing to get it out for the past week and a half...the past three days have been the worst (yesterday topping it as I didn't talk for over two hours, and then only did afterwards because I had to). Here I go trying to justify the reason I did it. I know there is no reason, no excuse. But I can't lose ANOTHER best friend, damn it! I CAN'T. I don't know what it would do to me. I need him so much. It's funny though, when you see how expendable you are to the one person who you couldn't live without. At least it seems that way. There I go making him sound more horrible than he really is again.
This is the only place I can turn. This place where I don't know anyone. I started writing two e-mails to two different people. Both times I realized I might get in trouble again for sending them. Involving people that need not know. I need to talk to people who have nothing to do with it at all. And yet, I can't because they don't know the circumstances and would make it more difficult to understand. So it gets turned to writing things that will barely make sense. Things that just brush the surface of all the things hidden away.
I miss...everything. It really is my own fault though (or am I just blaming it on myself, because that's what I always do?). That's probably the worst part--knowing that it's my fault. It's my doing that caused this, caused him to treat me as if I wasn't even there. I hate being me, yet it's so hard to change. It's so hard to change a way of thinking that has been pounded into you since the moment you walked into your first classroom.
Haha, this is my angst journal. I have another journal here, but this is where I go when even those people can't know what I have to say. There's another example of my self-consciousness. I don't want to bother my good friends with things that truly bother me. That makes perfect sense, doesn't it?