fic- "The First" NCIS part 3 of 5
Title: The First
Author: CJ aka WritinginCT
Fandom: NCIS
Pairing: Gibbs/OFC, Gibbs/DiNozzo (non-explicit), Gibbs/Abby (implied), DiNozzo/Abby (implied)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Dark story, BDSM, Angst, AU
Disclaimer: I don’t own the recognizable characters I’m just inspired by them. Hopefully they’ve had fun playing in my sandbox.
Comments: This plot just started flowing from the keys. Gibbs had to have a first red head right? The timeline for Gibbs’ past deviates wildly from canon and his first wife and daughter don’t exist in my AU. Heavy Gibbs/OFC angst.
Feedback: Love it? Hate it? Want to offer me a book deal to write original fiction? Email me!
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Gibbs stared at the inscrutable spot on the carpet again and tried to collect himself. His breathing was heavy and full of rage.
Tony said evenly, “Then what?” sensing that he needed to pull this poison out of Gibbs.
“He was practically giddy, Tony. Even with my Sig in his face. He was just so damned pleased with himself. He said he was done, she was his last one. He said she was perfect. He said finally found one he could break without dying. I beat the hell out of him, and he still laughed.”
Tony could see Him gritting His teeth with each “he said”. And he could see that Gibbs’ pupils were mere pinpoints. He had never seen Him like this and it worried him.
“He finally brought me to where she was and he said….” Gibbs’ voice and tears broke at the same time and He sat there not making a sound just staring at the spot on the carpet.
Tony moved to sit on the edge of the couch and squeezed Gibbs’ shoulder gently, “Tell me.”
Gibbs looked at Tony and finally took some of the quiet strength that Tony was offering Him. Tony wouldn’t let Him fall into the darkness, into that memory in His brain that still wakes Him up in a cold sweat.
“He said she cried for me, called out my name. When I saw her I just pulled the trigger. I didn’t think. I didn’t care. I just put a bullet in his brain.”
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Pain. It surrounded and consumed her. There was no escape from it, no release. No gentle touches to ease the sting of the crop, just the anticipation of more pain. She tried screaming to vent the pain but it just brought more. Layer upon layer, he stripped her skin from her body. She had no day and night, just darkness. Darkness and pain. And when he forced himself inside her, she shattered. And she cried out for the one she wanted to end the pain, the one she shared a soul with. She was in a million pieces and knew that they would never all fit back together again. No matter how hard He tried.
She willed herself to die. To deprive him the opportunity to give her more pain. To hide from a future destroyed.
She was at her end, where she thought there would be nothing left. Where she thought she would just slip into the darkness forever. But at this end she found light and warmth. And the gentle breeze brought the scent of the sea to wash away the scent of blood. And He was there. She could see Him hazily through the light. She desperately wanted to see His face. But all she could see were His eyes, so blue, so full of love, but so sad. He cocooned her in His arms and she felt the gentle rocking of the boat and as she drifted back towards the darkness she let Him go. Because she loved Him.
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“How long?”
“Almost two and a half years.” Abby answered.
Evie nodded and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together, “He still has it?”
Abby knew immediately what she was asking about, “Yeah. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Agent McFergus.”
“Please call me Eveline. I can’t believe He kept it.” She said with a pained expression clouding her face.
“Can I ask you something, Eveline?”
“Somehow I doubt I could stop you, Abby. But go ahead.”
“I’ve already guessed that there was more between you and Him than just the scene. And I read about what happened, but what I don’t know is why you left? I mean, He loved you, you loved Him, right? Couldn’t you have gotten past what happened together?”
“Sometimes, Abby, when things shatter there’s just no putting them back together.” She stood to leave, determined to do so this time.
“Do you still love Him?”
“I’ve never loved anyone but Him. Please take care of Him for me. He has the gentlest soul, Abby. And it wouldn’t take much for it to shatter too.”
“Tony and I always take care of Him. And He takes care of us.”
“That’s good. He’ll need you.”
“Are you leaving again?”
“Yes. My coming back here was a mistake. I’ll be leaving tomorrow.”
“Maybe you should stay and try and work through this with Him.”
“I can’t Abby, for the same reason I couldn’t before. I’m not strong enough to stay, and He wasn’t strong enough to come after me.”
“Where will you go?”
Evie smiled fondly at a lost memory, “I’m taking a couple of weeks off and going someplace warm, where I can smell the sea and the flowers. It’s my favorite place in the world and I’ve only been there twice.”
“Where is that, Eveline?”
Evie started walking away and answered back over her shoulder, “Ask Him.”
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“I got her out of there but she wasn’t responsive at all. She was in a coma. I was her medical power of attorney, same as she was for me. So they couldn’t hide anything from me. I know every single, solitary thing that bastard did to her.”
Tony’s soft and steady voice tried to cut through Gibbs’ anger, “He can’t hurt her anymore, he’s dead. You made sure he couldn’t hurt anyone ever again.”
Gibbs met Tony’s eyes and saw the approval there for what He had done so many years ago. Right or wrong in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of justice, Stetson had earned it.
“How long was she in a coma?” Tony asked gently.
“The first one was fifteen days.” He paused and poured himself more bourbon.
“The first one?”
“She started coming out of the first one when...” He closed his eyes in pain, trying to squelch back the tears.
“When what?
“I was sitting there with her late one night, sort of zoning out. I started hearing something dripping and when I looked around there was blood dripping off the side of the bed, and a huge pool of it underneath her.” He paused and belted down his drink, “She had a complicated miscarriage. They said she was about five weeks pregnant. And she was bleeding to death. And to save her I had to give them permission. God, Tony, I had to give them permission to do a hysterectomy. She was going to die if I didn’t. But what gave me the right to make that choice for her?”
Tony couldn’t even imagine the guilt that Gibbs must feel over that. Knowing how much He loved children, and now knowing how much He loved Evie, he knew that the decision that saved her life had probably broken Gibbs heart forever.
Gibbs was back to staring at the carpet.
“Look at me.” Tony demanded, and when he finally had the ice blue eyes fixed on him, he said firmly, “She gave You the right. She knew You would make the right decisions for her. She trusted You completely. She knew You could make the hard call. The same way I know You could make them for me and the same way You know I can make them for You. What happened was not Your fault.”
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Floating, she was floating. The smell of blood was gone replaced by the smell of antiseptic. She tried opening her eyes only to squeeze them shut against the blinding light. A single tear escaped her when she let herself believe that she was finally out of the darkness.
She heard His voice, a low hoarse whisper, and she realized He was crying, begging her to come back to Him. He was holding her hand and she poured all of her soul into trying to squeeze back. He cried out her name in response when she did, but she had slipped away to the arms of a restful sleep, knowing if He were there that she was safe.
The next time she woke she opened her eyes and saw Him sleeping with His head near her hand on the bed. He looked tired, and sad, so so sad. With all the effort she could muster she lifted her hand and ran a gentle finger over His lips. His eyes flew open to catch a glimpse of hers a moment before sleep took her again.
Pain, she was surrounded by pain. Again. The monster had returned. Then she heard His voice. Low and soothing, He told her they had to clean her wounds. He promised it would be over soon. He held her hand and told her it was okay to cry. But she didn’t. And day after day they would scrub her raw so she would heal. And every day the pain brought it all back and she could feel the monster on her, in her. And her pieces scattered further and further.
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Evie called her boss while she drove back to her hotel, “Carl, I need to take some time.”
“I just spoke with Director Sheppard, Eveline. Are you okay?”
Carl knew her past, and was fair and compassionate man that gave her a lot of leeway. They were good friends outside of work as well, and truth be told, if she ever gave him even the slightest bit of interest he would jump at the chance to be more than her friend.
“I shouldn’t have come back. I wasn’t ready to see Him.”
Carl knew about Gibbs. Not all of it, but that they had been in a serious relationship. And Carl would sometimes see her staring off at nothing and wondered if she were thinking about Gibbs. Missing him.
“Anything you need Eveline, you know that. And you know I’m here for you.”
“Thanks Carl, I’ll see you in two weeks.”
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“After the surgery she was in another coma. All I could do was hold her hand and beg her to come back to me, Tony.”
“How long did that one last?”
“Six days.” Tony saw a ghost of a smile cross Gibbs’ face and His hand raised to touch His lip.
In a gentle voice Tony asked, “What are you remembering?”
“Ever have something happen you think is a dream at first?”
Chuckling, Tony replied with a cock of his head, “In this relationship with you and Abby? All the time, Boss.”
Gibbs looked at Tony, and realized that although said with humor, that the younger man was completely serious.
“I fell asleep with my head on her bed. And she woke up. Just for a minute, long enough to trace my mouth with her finger. It woke me up and I thought I was dreaming. But I saw her eyes, just for a second before she went back out. But it was just sleep this time.”
Tony looked hard at Gibbs trying to assess His condition. His eyes were almost back to normal and His breathing was better. The bourbon and the talking seemed to be working.
“The hard part was that they still had to debris her wounds awake or not. They drugged her as much as they dared but it was still awful for her. She would squeeze my hand but she didn’t make a sound.”
“That is never easy.”
“No, it’s not. I wish she cried or screamed to let it out, but she didn’t make a sound. Wouldn’t talk either. They kept trying to push psychiatrists on her but she wouldn’t talk to them. Hell, she wouldn’t even talk to me. They started pumping her full of anti-depressants and talked about moving her to a psychiatric hospital once her physical health was better. The better she got physically, the more she pulled away from me. I didn’t know what to do.”
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She had to let Him go. She wasn’t His anymore. The pain in the darkness had stolen her from Him, and no matter how close He was He couldn’t reach to find her. She pulled away, deeper into herself.
They wanted her to talk, tell them what she was thinking and feeling. But how could she tell them that all she was doing was screaming inside. Howling in rage and anger. Reliving it over and over. They would come into her room, in their clean white coats and spout platitudes about how it wasn’t her fault and she wasn’t to blame, and that she could trust them.
Trust. What did they know about trust. Trust was earned, a gift when given. She only trusted one completely, Him.
That is until they sent yet another white-coat in to talk to her. But he was different. He was young, and his appearance reminded her of those they had seeing riding the waves in Hawaii. His green eyes were soft and gentle and he had a quiet unassuming way about him. But it was something her investigator’s eyes noticed that closed the distance between them. His wrists bore the ever so faint marks of being bound. Soft rope from the look of it. And he wore a braided leather choker that to most held no significance. But she knew.
And when he nodded when she lightly fingered the marks on his wrist and asked in a hushed whisper if she could trust him, she knew that he would help find her shattered pieces.
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Evie sat in the hotel bar, nursing a glass of white wine, grateful that the day was winding down. It was not a day to relive.
That was how she thought of her life now, days to relive and days to forget. It was something that Matthew had taught her a long time ago. Meeting him was a day to relive she thought fondly. The floppy-haired intern. She trusted him. And he earned it.
She finished her drink and decided to take a walk, it was just too early to close herself up in her hotel room. Dusk was falling and the restaurants and bars were getting busier. She watched the people coming and going. Couples holding hands, kisses being stolen. She paused and smiled, remembering being with Him and doing just that. Those were times to relive.
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Gibbs flopped his head back on the couch back and said with a snicker, “She’d give me hell about now if she saw me.”
“Yeah, well don’t think You’re out of the woods yet. Abby hasn’t shown up yet.”
“Oh god, Abby.”
“She knows I’m with You. I’ll call her in a while. But You’ve got a story to finish first.”
People often underestimated Tony, his sense of humor getting the better of him most of the time. But he was a strong man, strong minded, strong willed, and strong emotionally for those he cared about. He wasn’t just going to leave Gibbs with His emotional entrails hanging out for the vultures.
“I had gone to get coffee one morning and when I came back there was weird looking kid in a white coat standing next to her, nodding at something. He looked like he belonged on a surf board, Tony. He was a psych intern, named Matthew Borden. Out of all the doctors and nurses, he was the one she responded to.”
“Did she actually speak to him?”
“Yeah. It took me a while to understand why.”
“What was so special about him?”
“Somehow she figured out that he was a sub. I don’t know how exactly, he didn’t broadcast it. A couple weeks after they started talking he took me for a walk on the grounds, away from everyone and told me. Apparently I’m a little dense and didn’t interpret all of his ‘Sirs’ the right way.”
Tony allowed himself a little chuckle then straightened, “Sorry, Sir. Please continue.”
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Pieces were everywhere. She had pieces everywhere. She hated people touching her. And everyone wanted to touch her. Patting her hand, combing her hair, bathing her, scrubbing her wounds. She screamed inside every time. Even when He touched her.
And He wouldn’t leave. No matter how far away she pulled herself He just wouldn’t leave. In her mind He was the ship captain that strapped himself to the wheel to keep it on course through the hurricane. He wanted her pain, wanted to weather it Himself. Begged her for it. And she almost gave it to Him. Almost let herself absorb His strength. Almost fell into His arms sobbing. But she didn’t.
She never cried. On the outside. But He did. And she would not add to His pain with her own.
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Evie walked the familiar city streets, smiling at how things had changed through the years. So many things had changed. She thought about how He looked earlier. Still strong and solid, His hair was grey now but it suited him well. It added to His character.
She thought about Abby. There was a lightness and innocence around her, like an aura. She chuckled and wondered who had made the first move there. She would put money on Abby. She was the sort that He would enjoy looking after. And she sensed a strength in Abby that mirrored the strength that she used have within herself.
When Abby had mentioned Tony she was taken aback, that was just not something she would have ever expected of Him. But the more she thought about it the more sense it made. What they did was about wants and needs and who was best able to fulfill them. Male or female, it just didn’t matter. Need called to need.
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Gibbs looked at his empty glass and sighed. “I need coffee.” He got up and made his way to the kitchen. Tony, knowing He would continue the story when He was ready, followed Him into the kitchen.
Gibbs went through the familiar motions of making coffee and once the pot was brewing he turned towards Tony, leaning His hip on the counter.
Tony’s phone chirped signaling an incoming text message and he glanced at it quickly and smiled, “Abby.”
He looked long and hard at Gibbs and asked pointedly, “Should I tell her You’re okay?”
Gibbs dropped His chin to His chest for a moment then looked up at Tony, “Are you staying?”
Tony gave Him a pained look.
“Tell her I’m okay then.”
Tony’s fingers deftly typed in a quick return text message to Abby as the coffee pot made its final gurgle.
“So she started talking to this intern…” Tony prompted.
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Remainder of "The First" chapters can be found here.