GH: Things That Matter - Chapter 20 - 21 [Conclusion]
Author: IntheMoment
Feedback: Love it! Here or writingacurve@livejournal [dot] com
Category: Jason/Elizabeth, Alternate Reality
Rating: Varies (NC-17 chapters will be marked.)
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Violence, adult language, sexual situations, much angst.
Disclaimer: Am not, never have been, affiliated with Disney, ABC Daytime, General Hospital, etc. Characters are not mine…just using them because I so don't like JFP and Frons-land.
A/N: This story is the fourth story in a six-part Jason and Elizabeth fic series.
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Things That Matter
Chapter 20
Two Weeks Later, The Island
Elizabeth looked out through the wide patio doors and saw Jason sitting in the sand facing the setting sun. His legs were bent and his chin rested on top of his arms that were lying crossed upon his knees. He had been swimming; water glistened golden across his lean body where the sun kissed it. She wanted to be the sun…to feel herself slipping warm and soft across Jason's body.
Turning away she went quietly upstairs to check on Natalie. The little girl was fast asleep, worn out from the non-stop sandcastle building she had done all day.
"Maria," Elizabeth said softly as she turned to the housekeeper who was quietly folding and putting away Natalie's freshly washed clothes.
"Sí, Señora Morgan? Elizabeth, I mean, lo siento."
"Don't be sorry, it's okay. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going outside to sit on the beach."
"Sí, Señor Morgan, he wait for you," Maria said with a knowing smile. "I watch over tu angel, Natalie."
"Gracias," Elizabeth said with a warm smile as she turned and went out the door, down the hall into the master bedroom. Swiftly she changed from shorts and a t-shirt into her bathing suit, then grabbed a towel and ran back downstairs her bare feet whispering quietly on the tile stairs. In the kitchen she grabbed two beers from the refrigerator, popped the tops off them and went out through the patio doors. A sigh of contentment escaped her when her feet sank into the warm white sand.
As quiet as she tried to be he heard her coming. When he turned his head and laid his cheek on his arms Elizabeth stopped, her breath catching in her throat. The sun still bathed him in its molten glow burnishing his cheeks with gold and her heart beat wildly in her chest. Did he know how much she longed to be the sun?
"Hey," he said softly.
"I brought you something," she said a little breathlessly as she held out one of the beers to him.
"Gracias."
"De nada."
"See, you're learning the language."
Elizabeth smiled and asked, "Do you want to be alone?"
He shook his head so she spread out her towel, sat down next to him, took a sip of ice-cold beer and concentrated on the sun that was rapidly falling out of the sky. They spent what seemed like an eternity sitting next to each other in silence. Elizabeth searched her mind for something to say. Things were easier between them, but they really hadn't talked about everything that happened. Did she want to jeopardize the ease by saying something to open a can of worms? Or should she just say something innocuous…about how beautiful the sunset was tonight?
"Jason, are we going to make it through all of this?" She asked quietly.
"I keep asking myself that same question."
"And how do you answer yourself?"
"Most times it's 'yes'. Sometimes it's 'I don't know'."
"Has it ever been 'no'?"
"Never," he said his voice a fierce, throaty whisper.
"That's good," she said softly smiling to herself.
Elizabeth took another drink of beer. She could already feel her muscles begin to relax with that liquid feeling that made them almost heavy. It was quiet between them again. The waves rolling up on the beach the only noise. Stars began to twinkle and glow in the darkening indigo sky.
"I never…I never saw the point in looking back. But it seems like that's all I've been doing since I remembered what happened. 'Should have', 'what if', 'if I'd only'…I never used to do that, Elizabeth," Jason said quietly.
"I know."
"But then I never had you and Natalie. I guess it's easier to not look back when you don't have anything waiting for you in the future. It's easy to not have regrets when you don't care about anything or anyone."
"But you've always cared about people and there was Michael."
"Yeah, Michael…there are 'should haves' there. I should have told the truth to begin with."
"But you don't regret it."
"No, I'd do it again in a heartbeat…just differently."
"Maybe it wasn't the right way but, Jason, you did a good thing for Michael. You cared about him and for him when he had no one. You did that for me," she said her voice catching.
"And you did it for me, too. You've done it every day for me since I told you about Carly and Sonny. That's a long time, Elizabeth. You did it for me every minute I laid there in that hospital bed holding you and the world at arm's length. These last couple of months I've had…I've had this gaping hole, dark and deep, inside of me. I've missed you and Natalie so much."
"Jason," she said softly.
"I know…I know it's my own fault. I pushed you away and pulled you back then pushed you away again. One minute I'm asking you to hold me, the next I'm throwing…throwing you down on a bed using your body to comfort myself. Christ, how could I do that to you?" Closing his eyes he lifted his hand to his forehead and rubbed his fingers across it as if trying to sweep away the memory.
"Oh God, don't, Jason, don't say that. You didn't use me. I needed you just as much as you needed me at that moment. It doesn't matter how it started. Sometimes it's not all candlelight, soft music and flowers. There are times when it's as basic and urgent as breathing. When it's borne out of need not out of want."
"You remember that night we danced in Kelly's?" he asked softly.
"Yes," she replied, her voice a whisper. So long ago…he had been there for her, strong and solid, and she had been sad because he wasn't Lucky.
"I told you sometimes things happen fast-"
"But you have to live through them slow," she finished.
"I think this is one of those times."
"But that's okay. It's natural when you suffer a horrible trauma. There are stages you go through…I used to know them all by heart. Let's see there's denial, isolation and anger. There's bargaining, depression…and then acceptance. Plus everything that goes along with all of those: sadness, hurt, pain and confusion. You see I memorized them thinking that if I knew each stage I'd recognize as I went through it…maybe it would be over faster. Denial, check…Anger, check. But…it didn't work. They take their own time. So you have to grieve. And even do it alone sometimes. I know. Everybody processes their grief differently."
"How long did it take you…really…to grieve for Lucky?"
Elizabeth thought it was an interesting question since Jason was there for the most part.
"Well, it wasn't until we spent those days stuck in the snow at the cabin that I felt like there was possibility in my life. That was a year after Lucky died. It took longer though. The day I sat down with Luke and told him that Lucky was my past and you were my present and my future…that was the day I knew. The day I knew my grief had lifted. It was a long time, Jason. There were days when I walked around in a fog, not knowing which way to turn because everywhere I looked made me think of him. I'm not sure you will ever truly know what it meant to me to have you to talk to…to ride with you on your bike."
"Oh, I think…I think I know," he said his voice hoarse. "It meant the same to me, Elizabeth. If you hadn't been there I know I wouldn't have stayed in Port Charles. I'd never have fallen in love with you, we would never have married…there'd be no Natalie," he said his voice suddenly catching. He laid his cheek back down on his arm, his face turned toward her and she saw her husband in the intense blue eyes that glistened in front of her.
"I love you," she whispered as she laid her forehead on his arm.
"Forever and always…I promise," he returned in a whisper as his fingers combed through her hair.
It had been weeks, maybe months since they had touched so intimately. Oh there had been sex…at the cabin, at Luke's and Jason had held her in his arms before and after they rescued Francis. But all those touches were different. They were fraught with the need to consume or comfort…with the need to push away fear and desperation…with the need to replace something bad with something good. Tonight there was only want. And desire. Elizabeth felt her body relax in a way it hadn't since before Jason was hurt and she could sense the same in him.
"I'm sorry I've hurt you. That you've been scared. I'm sorry you had to do…to do what you did…to see what you did that day."
"Jason," she said as she raised her head to look at him. "I would do anything for you."
"I know."
"Just like you would do anything for me."
"I would."
She nodded…looking out over the water.
"We need to talk about Capelli," Jason said quietly.
Yes, they did, she knew that.
"You told me once a long time ago that you tried to fix what hurt by finding something that hurt worse. Is that what you were trying to do Jason?"
"Maybe…maybe I thought if I could find something that hurt worse it would take away the power of what Petrenko did. The thought of you with Capelli, Christ," he said looking away back out across the water. "That definitely hurt worse. Why him, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth picked at the label of the beer bottle she held in her hands. Why him? She hadn't even realized what it had been until recently. How it had looked. When she was caught up in it she hadn't seen it but now that she could breathe again Elizabeth understood.
"He's a decent guy. Maybe you don't want to hear this…maybe you could never see it but he reminded me of you. Maybe that was why…I wanted you. It didn't work, Jason. He held me and it was just like when I made you dance with me. You weren't Lucky. Well, he wasn't you. He didn't feel like you or smell like you or breathe like you."
Jason let out a long deep breath.
"He didn't tell me that everything would be okay. He didn't say I'd get through it. He just listened. Someone else did that for me once…when I needed it desperately," she said softly looking out over the water again. "Everybody else loves you, they know you and they were just as scared as I was. All they kept saying was 'he'll be okay…he'll be okay' as if it was a mantra…that if they repeated it enough it would be true."
"Did you…did you think I would not be okay?"
"I wanted you to be. I couldn't imagine how I would live if you weren't. It scared me to death that I couldn't help you at all. That you didn't seem to want me to try."
"I'm sorry. I don't know how to explain."
"I know that feeling of helplessness when you wonder if you're ever going to make it to the other side of that broken bridge because the farther you go across it the gaps just seem to get wider and wider. You can't turn around and go back, but you don't know how to make yourself move forward. You don't have to explain, Jason."
"I do need to explain because I hurt you. When you held my face in your hands in that warehouse I opened my eyes and an angel was in front of me and I felt…I felt safe," he said his voice low and breathless. "Then in the hospital I didn't feel safe anymore. You were all twisted up in the hurt and the pain and that nothingness. I was angry with you even though I knew it was wrong. It didn't make sense. I knew in here," he said placing his hand over his heart, "that you only did what you had to do. So maybe the only way to stop myself from lashing out at you was to lock everything down and withdraw. Maybe that's just me trying to rationalize how I was acting. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I let everything get so far away from me that then it seemed insurmountable. I didn't know how to start, Elizabeth…what to say."
Suddenly the love she felt for Jason overwhelmed her so much that she couldn't sit so close to him and still breathe. Elizabeth rose then, walked down to the water and out into it. The waves, as warm as bath water, slipped softly over her, caressing, buffeting her gently with their motion until a stronger one pushed her into the solid wall of Jason's body and held her against him. She turned to him, slid her hands up his chest and around his neck, her body thrilling with desire. She felt him brace his legs apart to hold them still in the motion of the waves as his head dipped down to hers and his lips skimmed softly across her cheek trailing fire as they went.
With help from the waves she lifted herself up and wrapped her legs around Jason's waist. As she hooked one arm around his neck her other hand slid slowly up to his face, where she smoothed her thumb softly across his cheek, the water from her hand tracking silver down his face. Elizabeth watched as his eyes dropped closed and he leaned his cheek into her palm.
Turning slowly he carried her out of the water, laid her gently on their towels and covered her with his long, tall body. Her eyes closed on a sigh as she felt his hand slide up her thigh, across her hip and come to rest lightly on her stomach. Despite the warmth of the night Elizabeth felt herself shiver and knew she wasn't cold, that it was Jason's touch awakening her senses, calling forth the desire.
"Do you…do you know how much it means to me that you would wait for me while I figured out how to move on?"
No one else had ever done that for him…wait for him…except maybe Sonny and his grandmother. The Quartermaines certainly hadn't. From the moment his eyes opened in the hospital they were at him, pushing, expecting, demanding. Robin had waited in the beginning, but the choices he made turned her waiting into impatience. He didn't blame her anymore but he would never have done to someone he loved what she did. And then Carly. Wait wasn't even a word in her vocabulary. All she did was push and pull to get what she wanted and take what she needed. But he was an adult and had been a willing participant even when it didn't seem right to him. Once he was in he wouldn't abandon her…or Michael.
"I learned from someone I love…how to do that," Elizabeth said softly as her hands framed Jason's face. "He has done it for me since a night in August a long, long time ago. He has always…always…waited for me."
Jason's head dipped then, his lips brushing across her cheek, soft and warm. A whisper against her skin. When he pulled away she opened her eyes and found him studying her. The weight of his clear blue eyes was heavy, transfixing, penetrating, filling her with his strength.
"It scares me sometimes when I realize how much I love you," he whispered as he dipped his head again and this time pressed his lips to her heart.
It seemed to Elizabeth at that moment as if Jason pulled the night down around them like a cloak of black velvet shimmering with stardust. She could feel warmth surround her, sliding softly over her body with each touch of his hands, every caress of his mouth.
There was no reason to rush, to hurry. There was time. There was forever…there was always.
**~***~**
Chapter 21 - Conclusion
"One story from Mama," Jason said as he closed the book on Australia that he had been reading from and stood up.
"Okay, Daddy," Natalie said lifting her arms as her shiny pink face turned up to him. "Kisses."
Elizabeth couldn't help but smile as Jason's lips pressed softly to his daughter's forehead. The picture of the two of them-light and dark, same eyes, same smile-it was enough to take her breath away. She watched in fascination as Natalie wound her arms around his neck and squeezed as tight as she could.
"Natty love Daddy."
"I love you too, baby girl."
He left the two of them then, alone together, as he usually did every night. Once when she had asked why he said something about mothers and daughters needing their own time. Somehow Elizabeth thought it had more to do with Jason not wanting to be the bad cop and tell his daughter that there wouldn't be one more story after the second time through the last book of the night. It made her smile again. Jason Morgan, tough guy, completely undone by a three-year-old.
"So, what story will we read now?" she asked closing the book.
"Li'l Mermaid, please."
"Again?"
"Yes. Li'l Mermaid," Natalie said decisively as she burrowed in to Elizabeth's side.
So she read. And they looked at the pictures. And they talked about how pretty Ariel was and how Sebastian, Scuttle and Flounder made them laugh and what it would be like to live so deep under the sea. Natalie told her she didn't think King Triton was really very scary. But they both agreed that Ursula, well, she was just plain bad and ugly to boot.
And it wasn't long before Natalie started breathing deep and soft against her. Finally, Elizabeth thought to herself. It wasn't that she didn't love reading to her but after the millionth time through The Little Mermaid Elizabeth thought maybe it was time for a new book.
Jason read to Natalie of places they would go, things they would see, the world. It seemed she was relegated to the fairy tales, the happily ever afters, the hope. But that was okay. He had the talent to build tangible things; she had the talent to create imaginary worlds. They each had their strengths. They each gave their daughter something different.
It still amazed Elizabeth that she knew what the little girl needed. But it was just like Jason had told her one day in the park so long ago. She had found him there, sitting by himself, elbows on knees, cheek resting on clasped hands looking lonely. She'd never really thought of him as lonely before, but they were just getting to know each other then. So she sat down and he told her all about Michael and how he took care of him. How he knew what Michael needed and wanted-to look out the window or just to hear someone's voice-without being taught. The words seemed to spill out of Jason that day, one on top of the other. She thought it was the first time she'd heard him speak so many words at one time. Even now she could hear his voice.
"How was I able to do that? I'll tell you, I wasn't the same person anymore. Suddenly I was this guy who could do just about anything if I had to."
And she could still see the look on his face. After that day Jason was a different person to her; she saw him in a new way. Now she understood what he meant. For this beautiful little person cuddled close to her side Elizabeth knew she was definitely someone who could do just about anything if she had to. Gently she picked the little girl up and placed her in bed, pulled the sheet up over her tiny tanned body and with a kiss to her forehead as she did every night, Elizabeth prayed to God to keep Natalie safe in the arms of love.
Quietly, she made her way down the hall to the master bedroom. Soft, classical Spanish guitar music reached out through the door and drew her in. As soon as she stepped into the room she stilled, her breath caught in her throat. Candles, white candles, too many to count, tall and short, fat and thin, all flickering softly illuminated the room. When she turned toward the king size bed she saw flower petals scattered across the crisp white sheets, their scent wafting around the room to find her where she stood.
"Jason?"
It was a movement by the French doors leading out to the terrace that caught her eye and she turned to find him watching her. Candlelight flickered across his face, shadows dancing.
"Don't…don't you like it?"
She nodded quickly, "I love it."
Jason's relief was evident in the way the two vertical lines between his eyebrows disappeared, the way his shoulders relaxed, the way a soft smile spread wide across his face. When he crossed the room slowly and stood behind her, not touching her, the heat radiating from his body floated around her caressing her arm, warming her cheek, filling her heart.
"Candlelight, soft music and flowers," he said quietly. "I only want those for you."
"God, Morgan…" she said her voice halfway between happy tears and soft laughter. "This kind of blows that dangerous, mysterious thing you've got going."
"And your point would be?" He asked softly as his hand swept away the hair covering her neck and his lips skimmed down the length of it. Warm and soft, lingering and tasting. She could feel him smiling against her skin.
"Well, if you think I fell in love with you for all this sappy stuff then you're in trouble."
"I've been in trouble before," he said, the whisper of his words stirring the hair against her neck, caressing.
When she turned and smoothed her hand over the sculpted planes of his tanned bare chest Elizabeth felt the shiver that ran through Jason run through her and settle low in her stomach, floating like butterflies.
What words did you use to tell someone that he was everything to you? To make him understand that you could surrender all you were to him and still be your own person? That he was the one who made it possible for you to stand in front of him and bare your soul?
*~*~*
Jason let his eyes drop closed as she ran her hands over him. He couldn't help but feel her power as she touched him. The power to make him into someone better. He used to think that one person couldn't make another person. That even love couldn't make you into someone new. He told Elizabeth that once. But he wasn't so sure what he believed now. Maybe it wasn't so much that she made him but more that he made himself someone better for her, because of her…because he wanted to…because he couldn't do anything else.
She had the power to heal. It was a gift. One he cherished. A luminous light that spread out from Elizabeth and touched everyone she loved and cared about. He could take that gift and live in that light forever and always…or he could live in that place of nothing, scared and alone, fighting demons in the dark.
It wasn't such a hard thing after all…letting go of all the bad stuff.
At that moment in time, as he stood in front of his wife, surrendering to her power, being healed by that glow, Jason Morgan felt the weight of the last few months, the weight of what Petrenko had done, the weight of his own silence and imagination, the weight of fear lift off his shoulders.
The things that matter-love, family, honesty and trust-well, it seemed he hadn't lost them after all…just misplaced them for a while.
End
[Back to Comfort series chapter listing]
...
Feedback: Love it! Here or writingacurve@livejournal [dot] com
Category: Jason/Elizabeth, Alternate Reality
Rating: Varies (NC-17 chapters will be marked.)
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Violence, adult language, sexual situations, much angst.
Disclaimer: Am not, never have been, affiliated with Disney, ABC Daytime, General Hospital, etc. Characters are not mine…just using them because I so don't like JFP and Frons-land.
A/N: This story is the fourth story in a six-part Jason and Elizabeth fic series.
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Things That Matter
Chapter 20
Two Weeks Later, The Island
Elizabeth looked out through the wide patio doors and saw Jason sitting in the sand facing the setting sun. His legs were bent and his chin rested on top of his arms that were lying crossed upon his knees. He had been swimming; water glistened golden across his lean body where the sun kissed it. She wanted to be the sun…to feel herself slipping warm and soft across Jason's body.
Turning away she went quietly upstairs to check on Natalie. The little girl was fast asleep, worn out from the non-stop sandcastle building she had done all day.
"Maria," Elizabeth said softly as she turned to the housekeeper who was quietly folding and putting away Natalie's freshly washed clothes.
"Sí, Señora Morgan? Elizabeth, I mean, lo siento."
"Don't be sorry, it's okay. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going outside to sit on the beach."
"Sí, Señor Morgan, he wait for you," Maria said with a knowing smile. "I watch over tu angel, Natalie."
"Gracias," Elizabeth said with a warm smile as she turned and went out the door, down the hall into the master bedroom. Swiftly she changed from shorts and a t-shirt into her bathing suit, then grabbed a towel and ran back downstairs her bare feet whispering quietly on the tile stairs. In the kitchen she grabbed two beers from the refrigerator, popped the tops off them and went out through the patio doors. A sigh of contentment escaped her when her feet sank into the warm white sand.
As quiet as she tried to be he heard her coming. When he turned his head and laid his cheek on his arms Elizabeth stopped, her breath catching in her throat. The sun still bathed him in its molten glow burnishing his cheeks with gold and her heart beat wildly in her chest. Did he know how much she longed to be the sun?
"Hey," he said softly.
"I brought you something," she said a little breathlessly as she held out one of the beers to him.
"Gracias."
"De nada."
"See, you're learning the language."
Elizabeth smiled and asked, "Do you want to be alone?"
He shook his head so she spread out her towel, sat down next to him, took a sip of ice-cold beer and concentrated on the sun that was rapidly falling out of the sky. They spent what seemed like an eternity sitting next to each other in silence. Elizabeth searched her mind for something to say. Things were easier between them, but they really hadn't talked about everything that happened. Did she want to jeopardize the ease by saying something to open a can of worms? Or should she just say something innocuous…about how beautiful the sunset was tonight?
"Jason, are we going to make it through all of this?" She asked quietly.
"I keep asking myself that same question."
"And how do you answer yourself?"
"Most times it's 'yes'. Sometimes it's 'I don't know'."
"Has it ever been 'no'?"
"Never," he said his voice a fierce, throaty whisper.
"That's good," she said softly smiling to herself.
Elizabeth took another drink of beer. She could already feel her muscles begin to relax with that liquid feeling that made them almost heavy. It was quiet between them again. The waves rolling up on the beach the only noise. Stars began to twinkle and glow in the darkening indigo sky.
"I never…I never saw the point in looking back. But it seems like that's all I've been doing since I remembered what happened. 'Should have', 'what if', 'if I'd only'…I never used to do that, Elizabeth," Jason said quietly.
"I know."
"But then I never had you and Natalie. I guess it's easier to not look back when you don't have anything waiting for you in the future. It's easy to not have regrets when you don't care about anything or anyone."
"But you've always cared about people and there was Michael."
"Yeah, Michael…there are 'should haves' there. I should have told the truth to begin with."
"But you don't regret it."
"No, I'd do it again in a heartbeat…just differently."
"Maybe it wasn't the right way but, Jason, you did a good thing for Michael. You cared about him and for him when he had no one. You did that for me," she said her voice catching.
"And you did it for me, too. You've done it every day for me since I told you about Carly and Sonny. That's a long time, Elizabeth. You did it for me every minute I laid there in that hospital bed holding you and the world at arm's length. These last couple of months I've had…I've had this gaping hole, dark and deep, inside of me. I've missed you and Natalie so much."
"Jason," she said softly.
"I know…I know it's my own fault. I pushed you away and pulled you back then pushed you away again. One minute I'm asking you to hold me, the next I'm throwing…throwing you down on a bed using your body to comfort myself. Christ, how could I do that to you?" Closing his eyes he lifted his hand to his forehead and rubbed his fingers across it as if trying to sweep away the memory.
"Oh God, don't, Jason, don't say that. You didn't use me. I needed you just as much as you needed me at that moment. It doesn't matter how it started. Sometimes it's not all candlelight, soft music and flowers. There are times when it's as basic and urgent as breathing. When it's borne out of need not out of want."
"You remember that night we danced in Kelly's?" he asked softly.
"Yes," she replied, her voice a whisper. So long ago…he had been there for her, strong and solid, and she had been sad because he wasn't Lucky.
"I told you sometimes things happen fast-"
"But you have to live through them slow," she finished.
"I think this is one of those times."
"But that's okay. It's natural when you suffer a horrible trauma. There are stages you go through…I used to know them all by heart. Let's see there's denial, isolation and anger. There's bargaining, depression…and then acceptance. Plus everything that goes along with all of those: sadness, hurt, pain and confusion. You see I memorized them thinking that if I knew each stage I'd recognize as I went through it…maybe it would be over faster. Denial, check…Anger, check. But…it didn't work. They take their own time. So you have to grieve. And even do it alone sometimes. I know. Everybody processes their grief differently."
"How long did it take you…really…to grieve for Lucky?"
Elizabeth thought it was an interesting question since Jason was there for the most part.
"Well, it wasn't until we spent those days stuck in the snow at the cabin that I felt like there was possibility in my life. That was a year after Lucky died. It took longer though. The day I sat down with Luke and told him that Lucky was my past and you were my present and my future…that was the day I knew. The day I knew my grief had lifted. It was a long time, Jason. There were days when I walked around in a fog, not knowing which way to turn because everywhere I looked made me think of him. I'm not sure you will ever truly know what it meant to me to have you to talk to…to ride with you on your bike."
"Oh, I think…I think I know," he said his voice hoarse. "It meant the same to me, Elizabeth. If you hadn't been there I know I wouldn't have stayed in Port Charles. I'd never have fallen in love with you, we would never have married…there'd be no Natalie," he said his voice suddenly catching. He laid his cheek back down on his arm, his face turned toward her and she saw her husband in the intense blue eyes that glistened in front of her.
"I love you," she whispered as she laid her forehead on his arm.
"Forever and always…I promise," he returned in a whisper as his fingers combed through her hair.
It had been weeks, maybe months since they had touched so intimately. Oh there had been sex…at the cabin, at Luke's and Jason had held her in his arms before and after they rescued Francis. But all those touches were different. They were fraught with the need to consume or comfort…with the need to push away fear and desperation…with the need to replace something bad with something good. Tonight there was only want. And desire. Elizabeth felt her body relax in a way it hadn't since before Jason was hurt and she could sense the same in him.
"I'm sorry I've hurt you. That you've been scared. I'm sorry you had to do…to do what you did…to see what you did that day."
"Jason," she said as she raised her head to look at him. "I would do anything for you."
"I know."
"Just like you would do anything for me."
"I would."
She nodded…looking out over the water.
"We need to talk about Capelli," Jason said quietly.
Yes, they did, she knew that.
"You told me once a long time ago that you tried to fix what hurt by finding something that hurt worse. Is that what you were trying to do Jason?"
"Maybe…maybe I thought if I could find something that hurt worse it would take away the power of what Petrenko did. The thought of you with Capelli, Christ," he said looking away back out across the water. "That definitely hurt worse. Why him, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth picked at the label of the beer bottle she held in her hands. Why him? She hadn't even realized what it had been until recently. How it had looked. When she was caught up in it she hadn't seen it but now that she could breathe again Elizabeth understood.
"He's a decent guy. Maybe you don't want to hear this…maybe you could never see it but he reminded me of you. Maybe that was why…I wanted you. It didn't work, Jason. He held me and it was just like when I made you dance with me. You weren't Lucky. Well, he wasn't you. He didn't feel like you or smell like you or breathe like you."
Jason let out a long deep breath.
"He didn't tell me that everything would be okay. He didn't say I'd get through it. He just listened. Someone else did that for me once…when I needed it desperately," she said softly looking out over the water again. "Everybody else loves you, they know you and they were just as scared as I was. All they kept saying was 'he'll be okay…he'll be okay' as if it was a mantra…that if they repeated it enough it would be true."
"Did you…did you think I would not be okay?"
"I wanted you to be. I couldn't imagine how I would live if you weren't. It scared me to death that I couldn't help you at all. That you didn't seem to want me to try."
"I'm sorry. I don't know how to explain."
"I know that feeling of helplessness when you wonder if you're ever going to make it to the other side of that broken bridge because the farther you go across it the gaps just seem to get wider and wider. You can't turn around and go back, but you don't know how to make yourself move forward. You don't have to explain, Jason."
"I do need to explain because I hurt you. When you held my face in your hands in that warehouse I opened my eyes and an angel was in front of me and I felt…I felt safe," he said his voice low and breathless. "Then in the hospital I didn't feel safe anymore. You were all twisted up in the hurt and the pain and that nothingness. I was angry with you even though I knew it was wrong. It didn't make sense. I knew in here," he said placing his hand over his heart, "that you only did what you had to do. So maybe the only way to stop myself from lashing out at you was to lock everything down and withdraw. Maybe that's just me trying to rationalize how I was acting. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I let everything get so far away from me that then it seemed insurmountable. I didn't know how to start, Elizabeth…what to say."
Suddenly the love she felt for Jason overwhelmed her so much that she couldn't sit so close to him and still breathe. Elizabeth rose then, walked down to the water and out into it. The waves, as warm as bath water, slipped softly over her, caressing, buffeting her gently with their motion until a stronger one pushed her into the solid wall of Jason's body and held her against him. She turned to him, slid her hands up his chest and around his neck, her body thrilling with desire. She felt him brace his legs apart to hold them still in the motion of the waves as his head dipped down to hers and his lips skimmed softly across her cheek trailing fire as they went.
With help from the waves she lifted herself up and wrapped her legs around Jason's waist. As she hooked one arm around his neck her other hand slid slowly up to his face, where she smoothed her thumb softly across his cheek, the water from her hand tracking silver down his face. Elizabeth watched as his eyes dropped closed and he leaned his cheek into her palm.
Turning slowly he carried her out of the water, laid her gently on their towels and covered her with his long, tall body. Her eyes closed on a sigh as she felt his hand slide up her thigh, across her hip and come to rest lightly on her stomach. Despite the warmth of the night Elizabeth felt herself shiver and knew she wasn't cold, that it was Jason's touch awakening her senses, calling forth the desire.
"Do you…do you know how much it means to me that you would wait for me while I figured out how to move on?"
No one else had ever done that for him…wait for him…except maybe Sonny and his grandmother. The Quartermaines certainly hadn't. From the moment his eyes opened in the hospital they were at him, pushing, expecting, demanding. Robin had waited in the beginning, but the choices he made turned her waiting into impatience. He didn't blame her anymore but he would never have done to someone he loved what she did. And then Carly. Wait wasn't even a word in her vocabulary. All she did was push and pull to get what she wanted and take what she needed. But he was an adult and had been a willing participant even when it didn't seem right to him. Once he was in he wouldn't abandon her…or Michael.
"I learned from someone I love…how to do that," Elizabeth said softly as her hands framed Jason's face. "He has done it for me since a night in August a long, long time ago. He has always…always…waited for me."
Jason's head dipped then, his lips brushing across her cheek, soft and warm. A whisper against her skin. When he pulled away she opened her eyes and found him studying her. The weight of his clear blue eyes was heavy, transfixing, penetrating, filling her with his strength.
"It scares me sometimes when I realize how much I love you," he whispered as he dipped his head again and this time pressed his lips to her heart.
It seemed to Elizabeth at that moment as if Jason pulled the night down around them like a cloak of black velvet shimmering with stardust. She could feel warmth surround her, sliding softly over her body with each touch of his hands, every caress of his mouth.
There was no reason to rush, to hurry. There was time. There was forever…there was always.
**~***~**
Chapter 21 - Conclusion
"One story from Mama," Jason said as he closed the book on Australia that he had been reading from and stood up.
"Okay, Daddy," Natalie said lifting her arms as her shiny pink face turned up to him. "Kisses."
Elizabeth couldn't help but smile as Jason's lips pressed softly to his daughter's forehead. The picture of the two of them-light and dark, same eyes, same smile-it was enough to take her breath away. She watched in fascination as Natalie wound her arms around his neck and squeezed as tight as she could.
"Natty love Daddy."
"I love you too, baby girl."
He left the two of them then, alone together, as he usually did every night. Once when she had asked why he said something about mothers and daughters needing their own time. Somehow Elizabeth thought it had more to do with Jason not wanting to be the bad cop and tell his daughter that there wouldn't be one more story after the second time through the last book of the night. It made her smile again. Jason Morgan, tough guy, completely undone by a three-year-old.
"So, what story will we read now?" she asked closing the book.
"Li'l Mermaid, please."
"Again?"
"Yes. Li'l Mermaid," Natalie said decisively as she burrowed in to Elizabeth's side.
So she read. And they looked at the pictures. And they talked about how pretty Ariel was and how Sebastian, Scuttle and Flounder made them laugh and what it would be like to live so deep under the sea. Natalie told her she didn't think King Triton was really very scary. But they both agreed that Ursula, well, she was just plain bad and ugly to boot.
And it wasn't long before Natalie started breathing deep and soft against her. Finally, Elizabeth thought to herself. It wasn't that she didn't love reading to her but after the millionth time through The Little Mermaid Elizabeth thought maybe it was time for a new book.
Jason read to Natalie of places they would go, things they would see, the world. It seemed she was relegated to the fairy tales, the happily ever afters, the hope. But that was okay. He had the talent to build tangible things; she had the talent to create imaginary worlds. They each had their strengths. They each gave their daughter something different.
It still amazed Elizabeth that she knew what the little girl needed. But it was just like Jason had told her one day in the park so long ago. She had found him there, sitting by himself, elbows on knees, cheek resting on clasped hands looking lonely. She'd never really thought of him as lonely before, but they were just getting to know each other then. So she sat down and he told her all about Michael and how he took care of him. How he knew what Michael needed and wanted-to look out the window or just to hear someone's voice-without being taught. The words seemed to spill out of Jason that day, one on top of the other. She thought it was the first time she'd heard him speak so many words at one time. Even now she could hear his voice.
"How was I able to do that? I'll tell you, I wasn't the same person anymore. Suddenly I was this guy who could do just about anything if I had to."
And she could still see the look on his face. After that day Jason was a different person to her; she saw him in a new way. Now she understood what he meant. For this beautiful little person cuddled close to her side Elizabeth knew she was definitely someone who could do just about anything if she had to. Gently she picked the little girl up and placed her in bed, pulled the sheet up over her tiny tanned body and with a kiss to her forehead as she did every night, Elizabeth prayed to God to keep Natalie safe in the arms of love.
Quietly, she made her way down the hall to the master bedroom. Soft, classical Spanish guitar music reached out through the door and drew her in. As soon as she stepped into the room she stilled, her breath caught in her throat. Candles, white candles, too many to count, tall and short, fat and thin, all flickering softly illuminated the room. When she turned toward the king size bed she saw flower petals scattered across the crisp white sheets, their scent wafting around the room to find her where she stood.
"Jason?"
It was a movement by the French doors leading out to the terrace that caught her eye and she turned to find him watching her. Candlelight flickered across his face, shadows dancing.
"Don't…don't you like it?"
She nodded quickly, "I love it."
Jason's relief was evident in the way the two vertical lines between his eyebrows disappeared, the way his shoulders relaxed, the way a soft smile spread wide across his face. When he crossed the room slowly and stood behind her, not touching her, the heat radiating from his body floated around her caressing her arm, warming her cheek, filling her heart.
"Candlelight, soft music and flowers," he said quietly. "I only want those for you."
"God, Morgan…" she said her voice halfway between happy tears and soft laughter. "This kind of blows that dangerous, mysterious thing you've got going."
"And your point would be?" He asked softly as his hand swept away the hair covering her neck and his lips skimmed down the length of it. Warm and soft, lingering and tasting. She could feel him smiling against her skin.
"Well, if you think I fell in love with you for all this sappy stuff then you're in trouble."
"I've been in trouble before," he said, the whisper of his words stirring the hair against her neck, caressing.
When she turned and smoothed her hand over the sculpted planes of his tanned bare chest Elizabeth felt the shiver that ran through Jason run through her and settle low in her stomach, floating like butterflies.
What words did you use to tell someone that he was everything to you? To make him understand that you could surrender all you were to him and still be your own person? That he was the one who made it possible for you to stand in front of him and bare your soul?
*~*~*
Jason let his eyes drop closed as she ran her hands over him. He couldn't help but feel her power as she touched him. The power to make him into someone better. He used to think that one person couldn't make another person. That even love couldn't make you into someone new. He told Elizabeth that once. But he wasn't so sure what he believed now. Maybe it wasn't so much that she made him but more that he made himself someone better for her, because of her…because he wanted to…because he couldn't do anything else.
She had the power to heal. It was a gift. One he cherished. A luminous light that spread out from Elizabeth and touched everyone she loved and cared about. He could take that gift and live in that light forever and always…or he could live in that place of nothing, scared and alone, fighting demons in the dark.
It wasn't such a hard thing after all…letting go of all the bad stuff.
At that moment in time, as he stood in front of his wife, surrendering to her power, being healed by that glow, Jason Morgan felt the weight of the last few months, the weight of what Petrenko had done, the weight of his own silence and imagination, the weight of fear lift off his shoulders.
The things that matter-love, family, honesty and trust-well, it seemed he hadn't lost them after all…just misplaced them for a while.
End
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