GH: Things That Matter - Chapter 15 [R] - 16
Author: IntheMoment
Feedback: Love it! Here or writingacurve@livejournal [dot] com
Category: Jason/Elizabeth, Alternate Reality
Rating: Varies (NC-17 chapters will be marked.)
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Violence, adult language, sexual situations, much angst.
Disclaimer: Am not, never have been, affiliated with Disney, ABC Daytime, General Hospital, etc. Characters are not mine…just using them because I so don't like JFP and Frons-land.
A/N: This story is the fourth story in a six-part Jason and Elizabeth fic series.
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Things That Matter
Chapter 15 - [R]
It didn't matter that they hadn't said a word to one another in the silence after their labored breathing slowed to normal. It didn't matter that Jason hadn't said a word as he heaved himself up from the bed, turned away from her, buttoned his jeans and slid the black t-shirt he had shed back over his head. It didn't matter that he was silent as he bent, picked up the pants she had flung to the floor and laid them gently by her side.
Elizabeth didn't know what to say.
He turned back to her, his eyes still a deep blue…and wild.
"I'm sorry," he said then pivoted and bolted out the front door.
As the screen door thudded shut and silence surrounded her the warbling of the birds resumed and loneliness bled into her heart. She was close to breaking and only wanted to drag Jason back to her to feel him thrust himself into her again so she could wrap herself around him and feel connected once more.
Mechanically she dressed. As she sat on the edge of the bed Elizabeth ran her hands through her hair holding it back away from her face and her eyes came to rest on the stereo. Deliberately she rose, walked over to it and punched the button to open the CD carousel. Taking out Springsteen and Tim McGraw she slammed both CDs back in their cases and shoved them as far back on the top shelf of the bookcase as she could. It would be a long time before she could listen to either of those songs again without remembering the look of fear and desperation on Jason's face. Her heart ached for him and she was disappointed with herself because she couldn't give him any words of comfort to carry with him. Was the solace of her body enough? She didn't think so.
With all the emotions that were whirling around in both of them, Elizabeth wondered if things would ever return to normal between them. She craved the closeness she had always felt with Jason, the intimacy that had nothing to do with sex.
*~*~*
Everything seemed out of control and angry to Jason-the rushing and pounding of the water, the swooping and diving of the hawks, the pulsing and throbbing of his left hand, the blood red of the sky around the setting sun.
As he settled himself on top of the rock at the waterfall Jason wearily leaned his head back and closed his eyes, struggling within himself to keep from bashing his head back against the rock face. At least he was smart enough to recognize it wouldn't do any good. It certainly wouldn't pull Elizabeth up out of the misery he had dragged her down into. Francis was right-he shouldn't be doing this to her. All she had ever done was help him, support him and love him. How did he repay her? By slamming her down on a bed and using her body to comfort himself. And what good did it do? Maybe for a minute…maybe…he lost himself in her. But then the real world snaked its way back between them and he was right where he started…only maybe more frightened and angry than he had been before. Certainly he was ashamed. It turned his stomach to picture Elizabeth lying there, half naked and vulnerable, and realize he did that to her. And all he could manage to do was get up, offer a feeble 'I'm sorry' and walk out the door. She deserved something better…someone better.
*~*~*
Elizabeth listened to the night sounds of chirping crickets and croaking frogs as she sat at the end of the dock and watched the moon settle full and low in the evening sky, silvery and shimmering where it kissed the water.
She wasn't sure how long she sat there before the boards vibrated with Jason's even tread as he made his way down to the end. When he reached her he sat down on her left, close enough for the bare skin of their arms to touch.
"I'm-" he started.
"Don't you dare say I'm sorry again," she said softly, her voice quivering.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know."
"I didn't…I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked his voice low and fierce.
"No," she whispered shaking her head. She felt, more than saw, his shoulders sag as he gathered himself to stand.
"Jason, don't walk away from me right now," she said trying to keep her voice steady. "Please." It came out in a tortured whisper because to talk any louder would have betrayed the shakiness in her. "I can't be alone…I can't."
She didn't even know what she was saying, all Elizabeth knew was that if he turned away from her again it was going to shatter them into a million pieces. All she could do was cover her face with her hands, in an effort to keep the tears from coming again but it was futile. Sobs, uncontrollable and deep, seized her again.
Jason watched something break in Elizabeth at that moment. All the nights she sat up with him, all the worry, all the anger and fear that she had held at bay was assaulting her, wave after wave shook her. Jason got to his feet, bent and scooped her up cradling her against his body. He took her back to the cabin and sat down on the sofa holding her in his arms. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. They had always been each other's anchor…each other's rock to cling to in the darkest night. He couldn't abandon her now or he would abandon the only things that mattered in the process.
Holding her tight Jason prayed to God to let him absorb her fear and desperation, to draw it away from her, banish it from her thoughts. He could take it, there was a black hole inside himself that it would fit nicely in. Anything to relieve Elizabeth of the burden she had shouldered alone. It killed him to see her unhappy and know he was the reason.
It took a long time before her tears and sobs wound down to nothing and he felt her steady breathing against his chest. It was a relief and a comfort. God, he had missed her breathing against him.
How long ago had it been that he sat in the exact same place on a cold snowy night holding her the exact same way? He wondered that night how he was ever going to move on in his life. Funny now, here he was again, a whole lifetime away from that night, wondering the same thing.
Let the bad stuff go Jason. You absolutely do not need to carry it around with you anymore. Francis' voice came to him, strong in the dark.
*~*~*
Elizabeth woke in the morning in the midst of a dream or so she thought. When she opened her eyes to find that it wasn't her heart beat wildly and she remembered how they had come to be, lying on the couch together, still dressed, Jason holding her in the safe haven of his arms. With a long, deep breath she drank in the rich male scent of him, all warmth and the clean smell of the outdoors.
"Hey," he said softly as he shifted under her, his eyes opening and closing and opening again to finally stay trained on her face. Pale blue and transparent in the soft morning light they held hers. Elizabeth could see the wonder in them as he studied her, almost as if seeing her for the first time.
"I have never stopped loving you," he said fiercely, his voice low and breathless. "You know that, don't you?"
"I do, I think. I hoped," she said her eyes dropping. When she looked back up into his she knew hers were shimmering from the tears that were always so close to the surface. "But you have to love yourself too, Jason."
"It's not that easy sometimes."
"Oh but it is, Jason…it is so easy to love you."
"Thank you," he said hoarsely and she knew he wasn't thanking her for what she just said.
"I will love you with my whole heart, my whole life…" she whispered softly against his chest.
The silence grew between them then, but it wasn't uncomfortable or fraught with tension as it had been the day before. It felt good to lay there with Jason, to feel his body under hers and know that a part of her husband had come back to her.
Jason's warm hand slid down her back and up under the hem of her shirt. All she could do was close her eyes, concentrate on the soft movement of his fingers as they traced lazy intricate patterns against the small of her back. Elizabeth was afraid to move, afraid to interrupt the warmth and relaxation that flooded through her with Jason's touch…afraid to break the spell that held them. Her breath came out on a shuddering sigh when he shifted his leg where it lay between hers, pressing intimately against her. It was all she could do to keep her hips from grinding against him. Elizabeth knew she had to let him move at his own pace. She knew Jason had scared himself the night before. The only thing that had scared her was thinking he was going to pull away again.
When Jason shifted, rolling her under him Elizabeth's breath caught. His lips brushed her cheek, hovered over her lips, his breath warm against her, mingling with her own.
"I'm sorry I scared you last night."
"I was scared for you, Jason, not of you."
His lips claimed hers then, soft and warm, in long, slow kisses that wound her body up like a spring. One touch was all it would take, his hand sliding down her stomach or across her breast would send all her blood rushing to the very center of her. Leave her dizzy and breathless and then the pulsing and clenching that made her moan would rampage through her body.
"Jason, please…" she moaned against his mouth. And as if he could read her mind he slid his hand warm and soft under her shirt and caressed her flat, taut stomach. Elizabeth felt her muscles jump and quiver and her breath caught again.
Faraway she heard the sound of bells ringing and all she could do was smile at her imagination. It took a minute to register that it was the cell phone sitting on the kitchen table.
"The phone," she whispered.
"Don't," he said as his hand slid up to brush against the underside of her breast.
"Natalie, what if…" Elizabeth said breathlessly.
Jason, breathing heavily, snapped up from the sofa in one quick motion and strode into the kitchen to get the phone.
"What?!" he answered impatiently.
"Jas-Jason?" Sonny stammered in surprise. "Can I talk to Elizabeth?"
"Can it wait?" Jason asked his tone tense.
"Let me talk to Elizabeth, Jason."
"Is there a reason you can't talk to me, Sonny?"
"Natalie has a fever."
"How bad?"
"It's 103, but-"
"103? Christ, Sonny, how long has she been sick?"
"Relax, Jason. Bobbie's been here, she gave her some medicine to bring the fever down. She says it's working, that Natalie doesn't need to go to the hospital. It's just a bug that's going around."
"Here, you better talk to Elizabeth," Jason said as he held the phone out to her.
"Sonny? What's wrong?" Elizabeth asked quickly.
"She's okay. Natalie's got a fever. But it's on the way down. Bobbie's here right now. Carly insisted I call to let you know what was going on."
"Thanks, Sonny," she said as she watched Jason pick up the things she had unpacked and shove them back into her bag. In his haste he hit his left hand against the dresser and all he could do was squeeze his eyes shut and swear softly.
"She's asking for mama and daddy. I thought you'd want to know," Sonny said softly.
"I appreciate that, Sonny. We'll be there as soon as we can. We're leaving right now."
Sonny was silent for a minute. "Is everything okay? Jason seemed like he was wound pretty tight."
"It's okay. We were just in the middle of-"
"That's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to explain. See you in a little while."
"Thanks, Sonny. Bye."
"Come on, let's go," Jason said as he picked up their bags and started toward the door.
"Wait, Jason…just stop."
"We need to get home for Natalie."
"I know but we can take just a minute to catch our breath," she said as she crossed the room to where he stood. She wanted to touch him again, to feel him touch her but the moment seemed to have passed. "Are you okay? You hit your hand."
"It's okay."
"Did you bring the pain pills the doctor gave you?"
Jason shook his head. "I don't like the way they make me feel. It's like I'm back in that place," he said softly, "where there's nothing."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For letting them put you in that place in the hospital. I should have listened to you, I should have heard what you were saying. I should have known how it would make you feel. Oh god, Jason, you must really hate me," Elizabeth said tearfully.
"I don't…I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Please don't cry. Let's go see how our baby girl is," Jason said softly.
"Okay," Elizabeth whispered as she took Jason's outstretched hand in hers.
**~***~**
Chapter 16
Jason sat at his desk in the warehouse trying to focus on the papers that Johnny had slapped down on his desk the day before but the ache in his left hand kept distracting him. The physical therapist had told him that he would probably get back most of the range of motion in his thumb and forefinger…but as for the rest…it was a wait and see type of thing. He pulled off the black fingerless neoprene sleeve that encased his hand, giving it support. The air felt good on his skin, but it was still hard for him to look at the angry, red lump of a scar the size of a nickel in the center of his palm…the dime sized one on the back of his hand didn't seem so bad.
With his right hand he placed the small red ball on his left palm but he still couldn't feel the smoothness or the rubbery softness. With gritted teeth, he willed his fingers to move and managed to bring his thumb within two inches of his forefinger. A big accomplishment considering in the beginning they only twitched. Still none of the others moved. But at least it was something. The PT had given him the ball to squeeze in an attempt to strengthen his damaged muscles.
The thought that clicked on and off in Jason's mind was that even if only his thumb and forefinger were all he regained the use of, as long as they were strong enough, he could work the clutch on his bike again. He might have to adjust it some, loosen the tension maybe…he'd have to learn how to ride with it that way but it was something he knew he could do. Something he needed. To feel the wind rush, see the colors blur, the stars moving in time with him. To feel Elizabeth pressed up close behind him, yelling and laughing, happy. To see her eyes sparkle like they used to when they finished riding. He wanted it more than he could tell her. Since the night at the cabin they had been easier with one another. But…but what?
"Christ, Morgan, she's your wife…of course you want her," Jason muttered to himself. Oh he did want her. She was letting him move at his own pace and he loved her for that but sometimes he felt it was too much pressure. There were times he wished she'd just grab him by the front of the shirt, give him that look and throw him down on the bed.
"Talking to a little red ball? I'm kinda worried about you, Jason," Sonny said with a slight smile.
Jason's head snapped up and took in his friend leaning against the doorjamb looking tan and strong, refreshed and younger in his light gray suit.
"When did you get back?" Jason asked.
"Last night, late," Sonny said as he settled himself in the chair opposite Jason's desk.
"You look good."
"I feel better. There's something about the ocean, the waves and the sun. I don't know, Jason, maybe you should take Elizabeth and Natalie…just go for as long as you want."
Jason shook his head. "Can't, need to stay here."
"If you're worried about Romanov, Johnny, Francis and I, we can handle things."
"I know that. I just can't run away."
"Is that what you think I did?"
"I don't know, Sonny."
"Maybe I did," he said with a shrug, tilting his head. "But it helped, Jason. To put some distance between me and the thoughts, the pictures that kept playing over and over again in my mind. Maybe running away, when you know what you're running from, is okay once in a while."
"It's okay, Sonn, you don't have to justify it to me. If it helped you then that's good. I'm glad. I just have been doing enough running lately. I need to stay."
"And that's okay too, Jason, if you're ready to hit something head on, tackle it and take it down. Are you?"
Was he? Jason wasn't sure.
"All I'm saying is that a few weeks on an island in the Caribbean isn't a bad thing. Elizabeth in a bikini…Natalie building sandcastles…cold beer…soft warm nights," Sonny said quietly. With a chuckle he continued, "And I guess if the thought of Elizabeth in a bikini isn't enough there's always Graciela's cooking. You love Graciela's cooking. It's just something to think about."
Jason nodded as he pulled the black neoprene sleeve back over his hand.
"How is it?" Sonny asked quietly gesturing at Jason's hand.
Jason stared down at it like it was a foreign attachment to his body. "It's not motorcycle ready yet."
"Jason, I'm sor-"
"Don't fucking say it, Sonny," he growled. "Don't say you're sorry again. I know you are, everybody is. If I'm ever going to get past this everybody needs to put it in the past so I can. It happened, we can't change it."
"Don't you think I know that?" Sonny snapped. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to. I would give anything to go back and erase what happened to you. It should have been me."
"Oh man, don't…don't do that," Jason said hanging his head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
Sonny pointed his finger at Jason, "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"I shouldn't be getting mad at you. You saved my life, thank you," Jason said softly.
"Not anything you haven't done for me, oh…I don't know…more times than I can count? Did I ever say thank you?"
He watched as Jason's eyes dropped. Sonny laughed a short, humorless laugh and closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly, "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Quiet blanketed the office, the only sounds were the hum of the computer under Jason's desk and the muffled motor of a jitney out on the warehouse floor.
"It's not about thank you, Sonny. It's never been about that. If it was I'd still be saying them."
"No, Jason. You've done more for me than you'll ever know. I'm glad I was there for you…for once in my life I was there."
The phone on Jason's desk rang then, shrill and loud, and it didn't stop.
"Don't we pay Sophie to get the damn phone?"
"She's out sick today. Corinthos-Morgan," Jason answered impatiently after he picked up the receiver. "Whoa, wait a minute, Alexis slow down. I'm going to put you on speaker so Sonny and I can both hear you. Go ahead."
"I can't find Francis," Alexis' concerned voice came to them.
"Well, why are you worried?" Jason asked.
"We were supposed to meet at 1:00 today. For lunch and you know how Francis likes to eat. He doesn't miss a meal but you can't tell by the way he looks. The man doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body. Not that I've seen his body except fully clothed. He didn't show up and he didn't call which is quite unlike him. He has impeccable manners and is always so polite."
"Alexis, Alexis. Slow down…breathe," Sonny said knowing her penchant for hyperventilation. "Maybe he got stuck somewhere."
"He would have called Sonny, something's wrong. He wouldn't have just not shown up. He wouldn't do that to me."
"Have you tried to reach Johnny?" Jason asked, knowing Alexis was right.
"I keep getting his voicemail," Alexis said, her voice trembling.
"Okay, Alexis," Sonny said gently. "He'll be okay. He's good at taking care of himself. I know it's hard but try not to worry. The minute we know I'll call you."
"Thank you," she whispered.
Jason turned his head to look at Sonny and found him looking back. And he knew they were both thinking the same thing…Romanov.
Sonny nodded slowly, "It's entirely possible."
"We underestimated him before."
"Well, we sure as hell won't make that mistake again."
Sonny picked up the phone then and tried Johnny's cell phone, got his voicemail and left a message for him to check in.
"So when did Francis and Alexis…start?" he asked.
Jason sat back in his black leather chair, ran his hand over his face and shook his head, "I'm not sure. I've been kind of out of the loop."
"Why's that?"
"Well, I guess people stop telling you what's going on with them if you're so absorbed in yourself you don't ever listen. Elizabeth knows…about Francis and Alexis. You could ask her."
Sonny nodded. "How is Elizabeth?"
"I think she's okay."
"And how are you two doing?" Sonny asked as he turned and gazed at the black and white photographs of Natalie and Elizabeth that Carly had put up in Jason's office. There was one of Elizabeth sitting cross legged in the grass with leaves piled up around her, a wide smile on her face. There was another of Natalie, a crooked grin on her face, as she held out a bunch of flowers, her father's eyes looking out of her small body. The third picture was of the two together on each side of Argo, all three smiling up at the camera. It made him smile.
Jason's eyes dropped to his hands.
"You know what," Sonny said. "Never mind. It's none of my business."
"It's okay. We're doing better, I think. Things happened when we were up at the cabin…bad and good," Jason said quietly. "It helped."
"That's good Jason," Sonny said softly. He could tell by the way Jason avoided his eyes that something had really happened up there.
"I'm fortunate…that she didn't walk away," Jason said his voice hoarse. After clearing his throat he continued, "I gave her plenty of reasons."
"That's something that's never going to happen."
"You sound so sure about that," Jason said as his mind clicked on a picture of Elizabeth in Andy Capelli's arms.
"I am. You and Elizabeth are a forever deal Jason. Every couple has this dance they do…they each know the other's moves by heart and when something bad happens, you know…people adjust their steps so there's always one person to be the anchor…the guide. You and Elizabeth do that. I've seen you do it for each other."
Jason wanted to tell Sonny about what he had overheard Amy Vining saying. But that would give power to her words. It would make the imagined picture in his head real. Was he ready for that?
The phone rang again. Jason snatched it up on the first ring.
"Hang on man," he said as he pressed speaker on the phone and set the receiver back in its cradle.
"Can you hear me now?"
"Yes. What's going on Johnny?"
"Romanov's back and he's got Francis."
"Fuck," Sonny said vehemently. Did it ever stop? "How do you know?"
"Because I was with him when it happened."
"Are you okay?" Jason asked knowing that Johnny would have had to be unconscious to ever let someone take Francis against his will.
"Other than a splitting headache and being more pissed off than I've ever been in my entire life, yeah I guess I'm okay. Oh and I have a message for you from Romanov."
Sonny's eyes closed and he shook his head slowly, "What?"
"Tell Corinthos we want the heroin or Corelli will suffer double what Morgan did," Johnny said his voice low and hard. He paused and then continued, "Ask Morgan if he remembers the sound of his bones being crushed."
It was Jason's turn to close his eyes. Sonny watched in silence as Jason's right hand clenched against his thigh and a vein in the side of his neck popped out. It was a minute before Sonny realized Johnny was talking again.
"…it's a maroon Lexus. New York plates," he said and then rattled off the license plate number. "Frannie and I were going to the firing range out on Route 6 this morning. That's where it happened."
"Did they head back to town?"
"Don't know. I was unconscious…about a couple of hours maybe. I drove for a while trying to see if I could find them…finally decided I should just get back here. I'm parking, I'll be inside in a minute."
Jason was up and pacing. Sonny wondered if he thought he could distance himself from the memory that way.
Sonny picked up the phone, called Benny to have him run the plate number. Then he dialed Alexis' number but before it could ring hung the phone up. Just what the hell was he supposed to tell her? He picked up the phone again and redialed her number.
"Alexis Davis."
"Alexis, it's Sonny."
"Have you heard from Francis? Is he okay?"
"We don't know where he is but we know what happened," Sonny said his voice calm and even.
"Sonny, is it Romanov?" she asked in a business-like tone.
"Yes," Sonny said surprised that her voice sounded so strong.
"What happened?"
"He and Johnny were on the way to the firing range this morning, they got him out on Route 6. We have every reason to believe he's okay."
"Just like you and Jason were okay?" she asked her voice breaking.
"Alexis, we'll find him. I promise. We'll get him back and he'll be okay. I'll let you know what's going on."
She said okay in a small voice and then hung up.
Sonny turned to find Jason looking at the side of Johnny's head.
"No, it didn't break the skin. You have a big lump though."
"My ma always said I had a hard head. Guess she's right," Johnny said with a lopsided grin that only lasted a second.
"Sonny, you're back," Elizabeth said cheerfully as she stepped into Jason's office. "You look great. Did you guys have a good time?" Silence met her. As she looked at the three men she took in the look in their eyes and knew something was seriously wrong.
"What happened?"
She looked to Jason first and the eyes he looked back at her with were the wild ones-dark blue and haunted.
"Oh God, is it Natalie?" she asked her hand shaking as it rose to cover her mouth. "She's with Monica. Did something happen?"
Jason quickly stepped around his desk to her. "It's not Natalie, it's not. She's fine," he said his hand reaching out as she backed away from him, first one step, then another.
"It's Francis, Elizabeth," Sonny said quickly as he watched her step away from Jason.
"Is he?" God she couldn't even say the words.
"No!" Johnny said emphatically. "He's not. We'll find him. He'll be okay."
Elizabeth watched Jason's hand drop back to his side, his shoulders sag as he walked past her and out the door. She hadn't meant to back away from him. With a sigh she followed him down the hall and out the door that led to the docks. "Jason, wait," she called. He stopped by a bench facing out toward the water. When she caught up with him she asked, "How long has Francis been gone?"
"Since this morning."
"Is it Romanov?"
He nodded, looked out across the sparkling water of the harbor.
"What are you going to do?"
"As soon as Benny finds out where he is we'll go in and get him." He said it so matter of fact, as if it would be an outing to the grocery store to buy bread, milk and eggs.
"Jason…did you guys even consider letting the PCPD handle this?"
"The PCPD? Taggert? And Detective Capelli?" he said with a sneer. "Why would we do that?"
"Because then you and Sonny and Johnny wouldn't have to do anything that could put you in jail."
"The only way we're going to get put in jail is if someone tells the PCPD what we're going to do. I know Sonny, Johnny and I aren't talking. What about you Elizabeth, you wouldn't be planning on having a cup of coffee with Capelli and telling him what's going on would you?"
Elizabeth wasn't sure if she could have described to anyone what she felt when she heard those words come out of her husband's mouth. So many emotions flashed through her that it was hard to even name them. But one stayed, hot and strong, and that was anger.
Lifting her chin and stepping toward him she asked, "Do you have something to say to me Jason? Because if you do I'd really appreciate it if you'd just say it. You never used to beat around the bush."
"People change, Elizabeth."
"Yeah, I guess, sometimes more than you think," she said as she turned abruptly away from him and walked back into the coffee warehouse. When she stepped into Jason's office Sonny was hanging up the phone.
"Got it," he told Johnny.
"I'm going with," Elizabeth said. "And don't tell me I'm not."
"Okay," Sonny said evenly. "Johnny find Jason and let's go."
**~***~**
[Back to Comfort series chapter listing]
...
Feedback: Love it! Here or writingacurve@livejournal [dot] com
Category: Jason/Elizabeth, Alternate Reality
Rating: Varies (NC-17 chapters will be marked.)
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Violence, adult language, sexual situations, much angst.
Disclaimer: Am not, never have been, affiliated with Disney, ABC Daytime, General Hospital, etc. Characters are not mine…just using them because I so don't like JFP and Frons-land.
A/N: This story is the fourth story in a six-part Jason and Elizabeth fic series.
+++|||+++
Things That Matter
Chapter 15 - [R]
It didn't matter that they hadn't said a word to one another in the silence after their labored breathing slowed to normal. It didn't matter that Jason hadn't said a word as he heaved himself up from the bed, turned away from her, buttoned his jeans and slid the black t-shirt he had shed back over his head. It didn't matter that he was silent as he bent, picked up the pants she had flung to the floor and laid them gently by her side.
Elizabeth didn't know what to say.
He turned back to her, his eyes still a deep blue…and wild.
"I'm sorry," he said then pivoted and bolted out the front door.
As the screen door thudded shut and silence surrounded her the warbling of the birds resumed and loneliness bled into her heart. She was close to breaking and only wanted to drag Jason back to her to feel him thrust himself into her again so she could wrap herself around him and feel connected once more.
Mechanically she dressed. As she sat on the edge of the bed Elizabeth ran her hands through her hair holding it back away from her face and her eyes came to rest on the stereo. Deliberately she rose, walked over to it and punched the button to open the CD carousel. Taking out Springsteen and Tim McGraw she slammed both CDs back in their cases and shoved them as far back on the top shelf of the bookcase as she could. It would be a long time before she could listen to either of those songs again without remembering the look of fear and desperation on Jason's face. Her heart ached for him and she was disappointed with herself because she couldn't give him any words of comfort to carry with him. Was the solace of her body enough? She didn't think so.
With all the emotions that were whirling around in both of them, Elizabeth wondered if things would ever return to normal between them. She craved the closeness she had always felt with Jason, the intimacy that had nothing to do with sex.
*~*~*
Everything seemed out of control and angry to Jason-the rushing and pounding of the water, the swooping and diving of the hawks, the pulsing and throbbing of his left hand, the blood red of the sky around the setting sun.
As he settled himself on top of the rock at the waterfall Jason wearily leaned his head back and closed his eyes, struggling within himself to keep from bashing his head back against the rock face. At least he was smart enough to recognize it wouldn't do any good. It certainly wouldn't pull Elizabeth up out of the misery he had dragged her down into. Francis was right-he shouldn't be doing this to her. All she had ever done was help him, support him and love him. How did he repay her? By slamming her down on a bed and using her body to comfort himself. And what good did it do? Maybe for a minute…maybe…he lost himself in her. But then the real world snaked its way back between them and he was right where he started…only maybe more frightened and angry than he had been before. Certainly he was ashamed. It turned his stomach to picture Elizabeth lying there, half naked and vulnerable, and realize he did that to her. And all he could manage to do was get up, offer a feeble 'I'm sorry' and walk out the door. She deserved something better…someone better.
*~*~*
Elizabeth listened to the night sounds of chirping crickets and croaking frogs as she sat at the end of the dock and watched the moon settle full and low in the evening sky, silvery and shimmering where it kissed the water.
She wasn't sure how long she sat there before the boards vibrated with Jason's even tread as he made his way down to the end. When he reached her he sat down on her left, close enough for the bare skin of their arms to touch.
"I'm-" he started.
"Don't you dare say I'm sorry again," she said softly, her voice quivering.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know."
"I didn't…I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked his voice low and fierce.
"No," she whispered shaking her head. She felt, more than saw, his shoulders sag as he gathered himself to stand.
"Jason, don't walk away from me right now," she said trying to keep her voice steady. "Please." It came out in a tortured whisper because to talk any louder would have betrayed the shakiness in her. "I can't be alone…I can't."
She didn't even know what she was saying, all Elizabeth knew was that if he turned away from her again it was going to shatter them into a million pieces. All she could do was cover her face with her hands, in an effort to keep the tears from coming again but it was futile. Sobs, uncontrollable and deep, seized her again.
Jason watched something break in Elizabeth at that moment. All the nights she sat up with him, all the worry, all the anger and fear that she had held at bay was assaulting her, wave after wave shook her. Jason got to his feet, bent and scooped her up cradling her against his body. He took her back to the cabin and sat down on the sofa holding her in his arms. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. They had always been each other's anchor…each other's rock to cling to in the darkest night. He couldn't abandon her now or he would abandon the only things that mattered in the process.
Holding her tight Jason prayed to God to let him absorb her fear and desperation, to draw it away from her, banish it from her thoughts. He could take it, there was a black hole inside himself that it would fit nicely in. Anything to relieve Elizabeth of the burden she had shouldered alone. It killed him to see her unhappy and know he was the reason.
It took a long time before her tears and sobs wound down to nothing and he felt her steady breathing against his chest. It was a relief and a comfort. God, he had missed her breathing against him.
How long ago had it been that he sat in the exact same place on a cold snowy night holding her the exact same way? He wondered that night how he was ever going to move on in his life. Funny now, here he was again, a whole lifetime away from that night, wondering the same thing.
Let the bad stuff go Jason. You absolutely do not need to carry it around with you anymore. Francis' voice came to him, strong in the dark.
*~*~*
Elizabeth woke in the morning in the midst of a dream or so she thought. When she opened her eyes to find that it wasn't her heart beat wildly and she remembered how they had come to be, lying on the couch together, still dressed, Jason holding her in the safe haven of his arms. With a long, deep breath she drank in the rich male scent of him, all warmth and the clean smell of the outdoors.
"Hey," he said softly as he shifted under her, his eyes opening and closing and opening again to finally stay trained on her face. Pale blue and transparent in the soft morning light they held hers. Elizabeth could see the wonder in them as he studied her, almost as if seeing her for the first time.
"I have never stopped loving you," he said fiercely, his voice low and breathless. "You know that, don't you?"
"I do, I think. I hoped," she said her eyes dropping. When she looked back up into his she knew hers were shimmering from the tears that were always so close to the surface. "But you have to love yourself too, Jason."
"It's not that easy sometimes."
"Oh but it is, Jason…it is so easy to love you."
"Thank you," he said hoarsely and she knew he wasn't thanking her for what she just said.
"I will love you with my whole heart, my whole life…" she whispered softly against his chest.
The silence grew between them then, but it wasn't uncomfortable or fraught with tension as it had been the day before. It felt good to lay there with Jason, to feel his body under hers and know that a part of her husband had come back to her.
Jason's warm hand slid down her back and up under the hem of her shirt. All she could do was close her eyes, concentrate on the soft movement of his fingers as they traced lazy intricate patterns against the small of her back. Elizabeth was afraid to move, afraid to interrupt the warmth and relaxation that flooded through her with Jason's touch…afraid to break the spell that held them. Her breath came out on a shuddering sigh when he shifted his leg where it lay between hers, pressing intimately against her. It was all she could do to keep her hips from grinding against him. Elizabeth knew she had to let him move at his own pace. She knew Jason had scared himself the night before. The only thing that had scared her was thinking he was going to pull away again.
When Jason shifted, rolling her under him Elizabeth's breath caught. His lips brushed her cheek, hovered over her lips, his breath warm against her, mingling with her own.
"I'm sorry I scared you last night."
"I was scared for you, Jason, not of you."
His lips claimed hers then, soft and warm, in long, slow kisses that wound her body up like a spring. One touch was all it would take, his hand sliding down her stomach or across her breast would send all her blood rushing to the very center of her. Leave her dizzy and breathless and then the pulsing and clenching that made her moan would rampage through her body.
"Jason, please…" she moaned against his mouth. And as if he could read her mind he slid his hand warm and soft under her shirt and caressed her flat, taut stomach. Elizabeth felt her muscles jump and quiver and her breath caught again.
Faraway she heard the sound of bells ringing and all she could do was smile at her imagination. It took a minute to register that it was the cell phone sitting on the kitchen table.
"The phone," she whispered.
"Don't," he said as his hand slid up to brush against the underside of her breast.
"Natalie, what if…" Elizabeth said breathlessly.
Jason, breathing heavily, snapped up from the sofa in one quick motion and strode into the kitchen to get the phone.
"What?!" he answered impatiently.
"Jas-Jason?" Sonny stammered in surprise. "Can I talk to Elizabeth?"
"Can it wait?" Jason asked his tone tense.
"Let me talk to Elizabeth, Jason."
"Is there a reason you can't talk to me, Sonny?"
"Natalie has a fever."
"How bad?"
"It's 103, but-"
"103? Christ, Sonny, how long has she been sick?"
"Relax, Jason. Bobbie's been here, she gave her some medicine to bring the fever down. She says it's working, that Natalie doesn't need to go to the hospital. It's just a bug that's going around."
"Here, you better talk to Elizabeth," Jason said as he held the phone out to her.
"Sonny? What's wrong?" Elizabeth asked quickly.
"She's okay. Natalie's got a fever. But it's on the way down. Bobbie's here right now. Carly insisted I call to let you know what was going on."
"Thanks, Sonny," she said as she watched Jason pick up the things she had unpacked and shove them back into her bag. In his haste he hit his left hand against the dresser and all he could do was squeeze his eyes shut and swear softly.
"She's asking for mama and daddy. I thought you'd want to know," Sonny said softly.
"I appreciate that, Sonny. We'll be there as soon as we can. We're leaving right now."
Sonny was silent for a minute. "Is everything okay? Jason seemed like he was wound pretty tight."
"It's okay. We were just in the middle of-"
"That's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to explain. See you in a little while."
"Thanks, Sonny. Bye."
"Come on, let's go," Jason said as he picked up their bags and started toward the door.
"Wait, Jason…just stop."
"We need to get home for Natalie."
"I know but we can take just a minute to catch our breath," she said as she crossed the room to where he stood. She wanted to touch him again, to feel him touch her but the moment seemed to have passed. "Are you okay? You hit your hand."
"It's okay."
"Did you bring the pain pills the doctor gave you?"
Jason shook his head. "I don't like the way they make me feel. It's like I'm back in that place," he said softly, "where there's nothing."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For letting them put you in that place in the hospital. I should have listened to you, I should have heard what you were saying. I should have known how it would make you feel. Oh god, Jason, you must really hate me," Elizabeth said tearfully.
"I don't…I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Please don't cry. Let's go see how our baby girl is," Jason said softly.
"Okay," Elizabeth whispered as she took Jason's outstretched hand in hers.
**~***~**
Chapter 16
Jason sat at his desk in the warehouse trying to focus on the papers that Johnny had slapped down on his desk the day before but the ache in his left hand kept distracting him. The physical therapist had told him that he would probably get back most of the range of motion in his thumb and forefinger…but as for the rest…it was a wait and see type of thing. He pulled off the black fingerless neoprene sleeve that encased his hand, giving it support. The air felt good on his skin, but it was still hard for him to look at the angry, red lump of a scar the size of a nickel in the center of his palm…the dime sized one on the back of his hand didn't seem so bad.
With his right hand he placed the small red ball on his left palm but he still couldn't feel the smoothness or the rubbery softness. With gritted teeth, he willed his fingers to move and managed to bring his thumb within two inches of his forefinger. A big accomplishment considering in the beginning they only twitched. Still none of the others moved. But at least it was something. The PT had given him the ball to squeeze in an attempt to strengthen his damaged muscles.
The thought that clicked on and off in Jason's mind was that even if only his thumb and forefinger were all he regained the use of, as long as they were strong enough, he could work the clutch on his bike again. He might have to adjust it some, loosen the tension maybe…he'd have to learn how to ride with it that way but it was something he knew he could do. Something he needed. To feel the wind rush, see the colors blur, the stars moving in time with him. To feel Elizabeth pressed up close behind him, yelling and laughing, happy. To see her eyes sparkle like they used to when they finished riding. He wanted it more than he could tell her. Since the night at the cabin they had been easier with one another. But…but what?
"Christ, Morgan, she's your wife…of course you want her," Jason muttered to himself. Oh he did want her. She was letting him move at his own pace and he loved her for that but sometimes he felt it was too much pressure. There were times he wished she'd just grab him by the front of the shirt, give him that look and throw him down on the bed.
"Talking to a little red ball? I'm kinda worried about you, Jason," Sonny said with a slight smile.
Jason's head snapped up and took in his friend leaning against the doorjamb looking tan and strong, refreshed and younger in his light gray suit.
"When did you get back?" Jason asked.
"Last night, late," Sonny said as he settled himself in the chair opposite Jason's desk.
"You look good."
"I feel better. There's something about the ocean, the waves and the sun. I don't know, Jason, maybe you should take Elizabeth and Natalie…just go for as long as you want."
Jason shook his head. "Can't, need to stay here."
"If you're worried about Romanov, Johnny, Francis and I, we can handle things."
"I know that. I just can't run away."
"Is that what you think I did?"
"I don't know, Sonny."
"Maybe I did," he said with a shrug, tilting his head. "But it helped, Jason. To put some distance between me and the thoughts, the pictures that kept playing over and over again in my mind. Maybe running away, when you know what you're running from, is okay once in a while."
"It's okay, Sonn, you don't have to justify it to me. If it helped you then that's good. I'm glad. I just have been doing enough running lately. I need to stay."
"And that's okay too, Jason, if you're ready to hit something head on, tackle it and take it down. Are you?"
Was he? Jason wasn't sure.
"All I'm saying is that a few weeks on an island in the Caribbean isn't a bad thing. Elizabeth in a bikini…Natalie building sandcastles…cold beer…soft warm nights," Sonny said quietly. With a chuckle he continued, "And I guess if the thought of Elizabeth in a bikini isn't enough there's always Graciela's cooking. You love Graciela's cooking. It's just something to think about."
Jason nodded as he pulled the black neoprene sleeve back over his hand.
"How is it?" Sonny asked quietly gesturing at Jason's hand.
Jason stared down at it like it was a foreign attachment to his body. "It's not motorcycle ready yet."
"Jason, I'm sor-"
"Don't fucking say it, Sonny," he growled. "Don't say you're sorry again. I know you are, everybody is. If I'm ever going to get past this everybody needs to put it in the past so I can. It happened, we can't change it."
"Don't you think I know that?" Sonny snapped. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to. I would give anything to go back and erase what happened to you. It should have been me."
"Oh man, don't…don't do that," Jason said hanging his head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
Sonny pointed his finger at Jason, "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"I shouldn't be getting mad at you. You saved my life, thank you," Jason said softly.
"Not anything you haven't done for me, oh…I don't know…more times than I can count? Did I ever say thank you?"
He watched as Jason's eyes dropped. Sonny laughed a short, humorless laugh and closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly, "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Quiet blanketed the office, the only sounds were the hum of the computer under Jason's desk and the muffled motor of a jitney out on the warehouse floor.
"It's not about thank you, Sonny. It's never been about that. If it was I'd still be saying them."
"No, Jason. You've done more for me than you'll ever know. I'm glad I was there for you…for once in my life I was there."
The phone on Jason's desk rang then, shrill and loud, and it didn't stop.
"Don't we pay Sophie to get the damn phone?"
"She's out sick today. Corinthos-Morgan," Jason answered impatiently after he picked up the receiver. "Whoa, wait a minute, Alexis slow down. I'm going to put you on speaker so Sonny and I can both hear you. Go ahead."
"I can't find Francis," Alexis' concerned voice came to them.
"Well, why are you worried?" Jason asked.
"We were supposed to meet at 1:00 today. For lunch and you know how Francis likes to eat. He doesn't miss a meal but you can't tell by the way he looks. The man doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body. Not that I've seen his body except fully clothed. He didn't show up and he didn't call which is quite unlike him. He has impeccable manners and is always so polite."
"Alexis, Alexis. Slow down…breathe," Sonny said knowing her penchant for hyperventilation. "Maybe he got stuck somewhere."
"He would have called Sonny, something's wrong. He wouldn't have just not shown up. He wouldn't do that to me."
"Have you tried to reach Johnny?" Jason asked, knowing Alexis was right.
"I keep getting his voicemail," Alexis said, her voice trembling.
"Okay, Alexis," Sonny said gently. "He'll be okay. He's good at taking care of himself. I know it's hard but try not to worry. The minute we know I'll call you."
"Thank you," she whispered.
Jason turned his head to look at Sonny and found him looking back. And he knew they were both thinking the same thing…Romanov.
Sonny nodded slowly, "It's entirely possible."
"We underestimated him before."
"Well, we sure as hell won't make that mistake again."
Sonny picked up the phone then and tried Johnny's cell phone, got his voicemail and left a message for him to check in.
"So when did Francis and Alexis…start?" he asked.
Jason sat back in his black leather chair, ran his hand over his face and shook his head, "I'm not sure. I've been kind of out of the loop."
"Why's that?"
"Well, I guess people stop telling you what's going on with them if you're so absorbed in yourself you don't ever listen. Elizabeth knows…about Francis and Alexis. You could ask her."
Sonny nodded. "How is Elizabeth?"
"I think she's okay."
"And how are you two doing?" Sonny asked as he turned and gazed at the black and white photographs of Natalie and Elizabeth that Carly had put up in Jason's office. There was one of Elizabeth sitting cross legged in the grass with leaves piled up around her, a wide smile on her face. There was another of Natalie, a crooked grin on her face, as she held out a bunch of flowers, her father's eyes looking out of her small body. The third picture was of the two together on each side of Argo, all three smiling up at the camera. It made him smile.
Jason's eyes dropped to his hands.
"You know what," Sonny said. "Never mind. It's none of my business."
"It's okay. We're doing better, I think. Things happened when we were up at the cabin…bad and good," Jason said quietly. "It helped."
"That's good Jason," Sonny said softly. He could tell by the way Jason avoided his eyes that something had really happened up there.
"I'm fortunate…that she didn't walk away," Jason said his voice hoarse. After clearing his throat he continued, "I gave her plenty of reasons."
"That's something that's never going to happen."
"You sound so sure about that," Jason said as his mind clicked on a picture of Elizabeth in Andy Capelli's arms.
"I am. You and Elizabeth are a forever deal Jason. Every couple has this dance they do…they each know the other's moves by heart and when something bad happens, you know…people adjust their steps so there's always one person to be the anchor…the guide. You and Elizabeth do that. I've seen you do it for each other."
Jason wanted to tell Sonny about what he had overheard Amy Vining saying. But that would give power to her words. It would make the imagined picture in his head real. Was he ready for that?
The phone rang again. Jason snatched it up on the first ring.
"Hang on man," he said as he pressed speaker on the phone and set the receiver back in its cradle.
"Can you hear me now?"
"Yes. What's going on Johnny?"
"Romanov's back and he's got Francis."
"Fuck," Sonny said vehemently. Did it ever stop? "How do you know?"
"Because I was with him when it happened."
"Are you okay?" Jason asked knowing that Johnny would have had to be unconscious to ever let someone take Francis against his will.
"Other than a splitting headache and being more pissed off than I've ever been in my entire life, yeah I guess I'm okay. Oh and I have a message for you from Romanov."
Sonny's eyes closed and he shook his head slowly, "What?"
"Tell Corinthos we want the heroin or Corelli will suffer double what Morgan did," Johnny said his voice low and hard. He paused and then continued, "Ask Morgan if he remembers the sound of his bones being crushed."
It was Jason's turn to close his eyes. Sonny watched in silence as Jason's right hand clenched against his thigh and a vein in the side of his neck popped out. It was a minute before Sonny realized Johnny was talking again.
"…it's a maroon Lexus. New York plates," he said and then rattled off the license plate number. "Frannie and I were going to the firing range out on Route 6 this morning. That's where it happened."
"Did they head back to town?"
"Don't know. I was unconscious…about a couple of hours maybe. I drove for a while trying to see if I could find them…finally decided I should just get back here. I'm parking, I'll be inside in a minute."
Jason was up and pacing. Sonny wondered if he thought he could distance himself from the memory that way.
Sonny picked up the phone, called Benny to have him run the plate number. Then he dialed Alexis' number but before it could ring hung the phone up. Just what the hell was he supposed to tell her? He picked up the phone again and redialed her number.
"Alexis Davis."
"Alexis, it's Sonny."
"Have you heard from Francis? Is he okay?"
"We don't know where he is but we know what happened," Sonny said his voice calm and even.
"Sonny, is it Romanov?" she asked in a business-like tone.
"Yes," Sonny said surprised that her voice sounded so strong.
"What happened?"
"He and Johnny were on the way to the firing range this morning, they got him out on Route 6. We have every reason to believe he's okay."
"Just like you and Jason were okay?" she asked her voice breaking.
"Alexis, we'll find him. I promise. We'll get him back and he'll be okay. I'll let you know what's going on."
She said okay in a small voice and then hung up.
Sonny turned to find Jason looking at the side of Johnny's head.
"No, it didn't break the skin. You have a big lump though."
"My ma always said I had a hard head. Guess she's right," Johnny said with a lopsided grin that only lasted a second.
"Sonny, you're back," Elizabeth said cheerfully as she stepped into Jason's office. "You look great. Did you guys have a good time?" Silence met her. As she looked at the three men she took in the look in their eyes and knew something was seriously wrong.
"What happened?"
She looked to Jason first and the eyes he looked back at her with were the wild ones-dark blue and haunted.
"Oh God, is it Natalie?" she asked her hand shaking as it rose to cover her mouth. "She's with Monica. Did something happen?"
Jason quickly stepped around his desk to her. "It's not Natalie, it's not. She's fine," he said his hand reaching out as she backed away from him, first one step, then another.
"It's Francis, Elizabeth," Sonny said quickly as he watched her step away from Jason.
"Is he?" God she couldn't even say the words.
"No!" Johnny said emphatically. "He's not. We'll find him. He'll be okay."
Elizabeth watched Jason's hand drop back to his side, his shoulders sag as he walked past her and out the door. She hadn't meant to back away from him. With a sigh she followed him down the hall and out the door that led to the docks. "Jason, wait," she called. He stopped by a bench facing out toward the water. When she caught up with him she asked, "How long has Francis been gone?"
"Since this morning."
"Is it Romanov?"
He nodded, looked out across the sparkling water of the harbor.
"What are you going to do?"
"As soon as Benny finds out where he is we'll go in and get him." He said it so matter of fact, as if it would be an outing to the grocery store to buy bread, milk and eggs.
"Jason…did you guys even consider letting the PCPD handle this?"
"The PCPD? Taggert? And Detective Capelli?" he said with a sneer. "Why would we do that?"
"Because then you and Sonny and Johnny wouldn't have to do anything that could put you in jail."
"The only way we're going to get put in jail is if someone tells the PCPD what we're going to do. I know Sonny, Johnny and I aren't talking. What about you Elizabeth, you wouldn't be planning on having a cup of coffee with Capelli and telling him what's going on would you?"
Elizabeth wasn't sure if she could have described to anyone what she felt when she heard those words come out of her husband's mouth. So many emotions flashed through her that it was hard to even name them. But one stayed, hot and strong, and that was anger.
Lifting her chin and stepping toward him she asked, "Do you have something to say to me Jason? Because if you do I'd really appreciate it if you'd just say it. You never used to beat around the bush."
"People change, Elizabeth."
"Yeah, I guess, sometimes more than you think," she said as she turned abruptly away from him and walked back into the coffee warehouse. When she stepped into Jason's office Sonny was hanging up the phone.
"Got it," he told Johnny.
"I'm going with," Elizabeth said. "And don't tell me I'm not."
"Okay," Sonny said evenly. "Johnny find Jason and let's go."
**~***~**
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