Wearing a mask of smiles...
(If you are interested in the whole story, please search for "pandoras box".)
Throughout my pregnancy, my ex-husband had been a powder keg. Any word and any move could have made him angry. So, usually, I tried to be as quiet as possible but after a while this was also wrong for him, since I had become "too boring".
The only good thing was, that he spent most of his free time with his blackberry and computer.
But nevertheless, he tension between us got worse and worse. I was like a red flag for him and this scared the hell out of me - mainly, because he had been unpredictable.
Especially the evenings made me feel very uneasy. Each time he came home, I acted like I was asleep. But sometimes, he came home earlier and of course, there were also the weekends...
On one of these weekends, it escalated.
He began to kiss me and I told myself to just go with it, since I knew how he reacted when being refused. But he directly began to open my pants and I scooted away from him, still remembering our "wedding night". But he didn't stop. At that point, I was already further in my pregnancy and the thought of him forcing himself on me again, scared me. My little baby had already changed me. She gave me a purpose and strength and so I pushed him away saying that I didn't want to go further. This startled him and he freaked out. "You can't just turn me on and then leave me like this!", he screamed.
I rearranged my clothes, left the house and drove to my parents.
You might ask yourself, why I didn't leave.
Believe me, I am asking myself the same question over and over again.
One reason was definately the fact that he was constantly demeaning me. Telling me, that I won't be able to raise a child on my own. And since I had been a very chaotic and irresponsible person back in the days, I kinda believed it.
After a while, I realized that he was only manipulating me. He hated me for my decision to keep our baby and for the changes I went through. When he met me, I was partying a lot and all of a sudden, he was married to a passionate mother, that didn't wanna party anymore, that didn't even drink one sip of alcohol and that spent her time reading mother magazines.
My biggest mistake though was that I had been wearing a mask of smiles all the time, even when I talked to my parents or my best friends. So, when I left him to stay at my parents' house, they didn't take me too serious. No, I don't judge them. They are the most loving parents (and grand-parents) that you can imagine but they had simply been fooled; not only by my ex-hsuband but also by the mask I had been wearing.
A mask made of smiles due to some weird misture of self-blame, guilt, fear and shame.
My parents realized that we had marriage problems and advised us to see someone. Of course, my ex-husband didn't agree on this but at least went to his home town (he stayed at his mother's house for some days) to think about everything. This gave me hope.
Afterwards, I found out that he didn't only talk to his mom and best friend about our problems, he also "blew off some steam". Looking back, I realize that I had suspicions - he began to work on weekends and stayed "at work" longer. But I never mentioned it since I was simply relieved that he left me alone most; at least most of the time...