Lies. Guilt. FEAR. Love.
(If you wanna read the story from the beginning, search for the tag "pandoras box".)
Lies. Guilt. FEAR. Love.
That was his recipe for our relationship. And it worked.
I tried to convince myself that his outbursts were only caused by the whole situation we were in. He always told me how badly he wanted to see his baby girl but that his ex-girlfriend denied him this. He was very good at this "story telling"; he even claimed that she robbed him. That she went into their common house and stole most of the stuff. All this wasn't true - but I didn't know this back in the time.
When I made the first pregnancy test (at home), the result was negative. Due to our situation I was kinda relieved but disappointed in the same time, since I had been so sure. My reaction confused me. When I was a teenager, doctors predicted that I probably couldn't get pregnant. And I made peace with that diagnose - or so I had thought. I had always claimed that I didnt' want kids though - until the day came that I "felt" something. I just knew that I wasn't alone anymore. But the test was negative and so things went on at a normal pace.
But the sickness didn't wanna stop and delicious coffee turned into the grossest thing ever. That's why I went to a doctor to have my blood checked.
When I called my ex to tell him about the result, he was at the airport about to fly on some kind of business trip. He was shocked, but smart as he is, he reacted well. He canceled the flight, bought a teddy bear and came home. You might think: how cute is that?! But it didn't end there.
We sat down and he hugged me saying: "We will have the talk, right? You know that I can't have second child right now."
I was simply shocked. How could he even consider this? He had just told me one day before how badly he wanted to see his daughter and now he wanted an abortion?! Of course, he knew how to answer on this: "That IS the reason. How could I have a second kid, when I can't even see my first one regularly." But still, "kind" a he used to be, he gave me the choice, underlining what would be the best for all of us. Of course....
For me, this wasn't even worth a second thought. So, when we had dinner the next day, I told him that I hadn't changed my mind. "I want to have this kid. I am already in love with him or her." And then, for the first time, I saw his REAL face. I was only lucky that we were in public... He lost his smile, his eyes looking at me in a way that I won't ever forget and that I should see more often in the near future. "You CANNOT have this child! I don't want this!", he yelled, slamming his fist on the table. His whole body was tense, his hands shaky.
I just stared at him, because I didn't know what to do. Then I left the restaurant, all eyes on me. I only remember running through the city until he stopped his Porsche right next to me, yelling "Get the fuck in!". I didn't know what to do... He was only confused, I told myself, and got into the car...