reflecting.
alright, so i'm sitting here at 3:30 in the morning, smoking an indian reserve cigarette. this is something i rarely do, unless i'm frusturated, just had delicious sex or uncomfortably high. 2 of the 3 apply. considering i'm just about to write a journal entry, i assume you can guess which 2 those may be.
i'm not sure what to write about, but it's been awhile and i know i've had too much on my mind in these past few weeks since pride. i want to vent.
i know change is a reoccuring theme, and obviously a little typical considering i'm in the awkward stages of limbo between highschool and university. i suppose, i'm writing this to reflect. since no one is here to occupy my inebriated mind and keep my attention, i figure i've got nothing better to do.
in the past 5 years, including grade 8 so much has shaped who i am .. up until now. i feel like i've made this drastic change without any influence. i can recall back in grade 8 when i had these wonderful friendships with Andrew Mitchell, Alex Kentris and Steph. it was fantastic. however, i still convinced myself i was tormented. y'know how it is when you're young and trying to discover yrself. everything is terrible, everyone is against you and yr life is in turmoil. however, everything i did back then was full of fresh new experiences. my friends and i could sit in stephanie's basement, being completely awkward. we were so incredibly awkward. i also convinced myself i was inlove with my friend Alex. in a sense, i don't think that'll ever go away. even though we're completely seperate entities who don't acknowledge each other's presence, there is something about him i'll never forget. he shaped me in more ways than he can probably fathom. he encouraged me. and to be completely honest, in grade 8 he was a sort of inspiration and push for me to try and succeed and surpass the so called "depression" i was going through. he was just an conflicted as i was and just as willing to jump into the deep end, emotions hanging out in the open. the funny thing is, he was one of the few people who every "got" me. and he was always 100% with me.
i had a two year relationship with a boy named kenny. after that ended, he came to realize that i controlled the whole relationship. i never really came to realize that. i think about it now, and it was really the only time i've been in a relationship and been happy, comfortable and willing to commit. he wasn't my first love, i don't know if i've even experienced that yet .. but he was definitely something. he took my time, my attention and my heart for a long time. thinking about him makes me feel strange, and to be honest .. it doesn't really feel like that ever happened.
steph and i broke apart in grade 10 for awhile, this is when i developed a strong relationship with Valerie. thinking about that period in my life is strange as well. i dedicated my entire life to her. she was always on my thoughts .. and i guess it started to seem to me that i was inlove with her. we were so "alike" at the time but i don't think that was ever really the case. we sort of fed off each other so much that we began to really need each other. when i look back at it, that was the most emotion intensive relationship i've ever had. every little inconsistency with her would hut me more than anything i could compare. however, once she was out of my life .. she was out of my life. i didn't really consider her, unlike others i have lost.
there have been so many acquantances and friends and fairweather friends and relationships... i don't know where to begin with the other people who have graced me with thier presence. i wish i could sit down and pick the brain of everyone i've met and been involved with in any way. so i could compile all the memories i've forgotten and all the conversations that were so endearing to me. i used to believe i fell in and out of love with people all the time, but now i know they were all temporary infatuations that passed as fast as they swelled up in my chest and eyes.
i don't believe anyone will read all of this, but i can't stop writing. stupid drugs.
it's funny to think that some of my most important conversations have been online, sometimes to people i've never met. it's sort of pathetic but then again, i assume it's not all that strange now adays. in the beginning when i began to question my sexuality, the only people i had to turn to were strangers from the internet. however, a few on these online
"relationships" have caused me a lot of harm and a bit of trouble. i'm not overly cautious .. or i wasn't.
of course jessie, steph and ali are where my trust lies now. in a strange way i depend on them more than i can trust my own thoughts, it's sort of dangerous. i spend more time with them then i do sleeping or conducting thoughts of my own. lately, i suppose that's all changed. although i still see them frequently i've found that i've had a lot more time of my own. i suppose that's the inpsiration for this entry. i've just had a lot of time to compose a self-examined life and to establish what i really what to be about and to be seen as. this is also dangerous though, i'm becoming more and more comfortable in my solitude. but i know deep down inside, i can't help but make room for my friends when the time comes to pass.
ali and i have a very hectic relationship, another emotionally intensive bond between to confused/queer individuals. i need him to understand me, more than anyone else. and when he doesn't, i get uncontrollably angry. i feel like shaking him and forcing him to understand where i am coming from. we are both needy and so fucking confused. well he was away, i began to get uncomfortable with touch. i didn't and for the most part, don't want people touching me anymore. it's the price i pay for being extremely liberal with my body in the past. this may not sound overly important, however .. the second he got back i couldn't help but want him cuddling in bed with me. i just can't explain us, i think all the mystery and confusion make it so much more enjoyable...
as for jessie and steph, they're completely aware of where they stand in my life. considering they've been in it for close to a decade.
people like alysha, natalie,amy,dave gurr and matt coffey pushed me to open doors and push boundaries in my life. i don't think they will ever really know, but they helped me come into a world that i was completely oblivious too for a large part of my life. in a way, they sort of helped me be cultured. i suppose it sounds ridiculous, but it's absolutely true. they opened me up to art, experiences, drugs, music and thoughts/concepts i never would have sought out on my own .. even though i don't devote a large portion of my time to these people, i owe them more than the time i have.
the last person i'm going to talk about is Fletcher. i know his name reappears in this journal so much, and for good reason. he is such a ridiculous son of a bitch. but the charm that boy has could cause you to jump into a never ending black hole. i can't begin to explain how he made me feel. again, i don't know if it's love .. i don't think i've allowed myself to be fully capable of that emotion but he captured a part of me that i'll never get back. my friends and family despise him and sometimes, i do too. he is concerned with trivial matters that i have no interest in .. but when i talk to him, or see him ... or come within 1000 miles of him i sweat. tingle and lose notions of anything else in the universe. i hate him for it. but i hold on to him for it too. love triangles between him and a certain girl got mixed up in all the mess. however, my unrelenting adoration and infatuation with the boy won't cease to exist.
thus far in life, i've come close to going over the edge .. some people have pushed and some have extended thier hand. i'm eternally grateful for both.
if you've read all this, you're a crazy bitch.
i'm not sure what to write about, but it's been awhile and i know i've had too much on my mind in these past few weeks since pride. i want to vent.
i know change is a reoccuring theme, and obviously a little typical considering i'm in the awkward stages of limbo between highschool and university. i suppose, i'm writing this to reflect. since no one is here to occupy my inebriated mind and keep my attention, i figure i've got nothing better to do.
in the past 5 years, including grade 8 so much has shaped who i am .. up until now. i feel like i've made this drastic change without any influence. i can recall back in grade 8 when i had these wonderful friendships with Andrew Mitchell, Alex Kentris and Steph. it was fantastic. however, i still convinced myself i was tormented. y'know how it is when you're young and trying to discover yrself. everything is terrible, everyone is against you and yr life is in turmoil. however, everything i did back then was full of fresh new experiences. my friends and i could sit in stephanie's basement, being completely awkward. we were so incredibly awkward. i also convinced myself i was inlove with my friend Alex. in a sense, i don't think that'll ever go away. even though we're completely seperate entities who don't acknowledge each other's presence, there is something about him i'll never forget. he shaped me in more ways than he can probably fathom. he encouraged me. and to be completely honest, in grade 8 he was a sort of inspiration and push for me to try and succeed and surpass the so called "depression" i was going through. he was just an conflicted as i was and just as willing to jump into the deep end, emotions hanging out in the open. the funny thing is, he was one of the few people who every "got" me. and he was always 100% with me.
i had a two year relationship with a boy named kenny. after that ended, he came to realize that i controlled the whole relationship. i never really came to realize that. i think about it now, and it was really the only time i've been in a relationship and been happy, comfortable and willing to commit. he wasn't my first love, i don't know if i've even experienced that yet .. but he was definitely something. he took my time, my attention and my heart for a long time. thinking about him makes me feel strange, and to be honest .. it doesn't really feel like that ever happened.
steph and i broke apart in grade 10 for awhile, this is when i developed a strong relationship with Valerie. thinking about that period in my life is strange as well. i dedicated my entire life to her. she was always on my thoughts .. and i guess it started to seem to me that i was inlove with her. we were so "alike" at the time but i don't think that was ever really the case. we sort of fed off each other so much that we began to really need each other. when i look back at it, that was the most emotion intensive relationship i've ever had. every little inconsistency with her would hut me more than anything i could compare. however, once she was out of my life .. she was out of my life. i didn't really consider her, unlike others i have lost.
there have been so many acquantances and friends and fairweather friends and relationships... i don't know where to begin with the other people who have graced me with thier presence. i wish i could sit down and pick the brain of everyone i've met and been involved with in any way. so i could compile all the memories i've forgotten and all the conversations that were so endearing to me. i used to believe i fell in and out of love with people all the time, but now i know they were all temporary infatuations that passed as fast as they swelled up in my chest and eyes.
i don't believe anyone will read all of this, but i can't stop writing. stupid drugs.
it's funny to think that some of my most important conversations have been online, sometimes to people i've never met. it's sort of pathetic but then again, i assume it's not all that strange now adays. in the beginning when i began to question my sexuality, the only people i had to turn to were strangers from the internet. however, a few on these online
"relationships" have caused me a lot of harm and a bit of trouble. i'm not overly cautious .. or i wasn't.
of course jessie, steph and ali are where my trust lies now. in a strange way i depend on them more than i can trust my own thoughts, it's sort of dangerous. i spend more time with them then i do sleeping or conducting thoughts of my own. lately, i suppose that's all changed. although i still see them frequently i've found that i've had a lot more time of my own. i suppose that's the inpsiration for this entry. i've just had a lot of time to compose a self-examined life and to establish what i really what to be about and to be seen as. this is also dangerous though, i'm becoming more and more comfortable in my solitude. but i know deep down inside, i can't help but make room for my friends when the time comes to pass.
ali and i have a very hectic relationship, another emotionally intensive bond between to confused/queer individuals. i need him to understand me, more than anyone else. and when he doesn't, i get uncontrollably angry. i feel like shaking him and forcing him to understand where i am coming from. we are both needy and so fucking confused. well he was away, i began to get uncomfortable with touch. i didn't and for the most part, don't want people touching me anymore. it's the price i pay for being extremely liberal with my body in the past. this may not sound overly important, however .. the second he got back i couldn't help but want him cuddling in bed with me. i just can't explain us, i think all the mystery and confusion make it so much more enjoyable...
as for jessie and steph, they're completely aware of where they stand in my life. considering they've been in it for close to a decade.
people like alysha, natalie,amy,dave gurr and matt coffey pushed me to open doors and push boundaries in my life. i don't think they will ever really know, but they helped me come into a world that i was completely oblivious too for a large part of my life. in a way, they sort of helped me be cultured. i suppose it sounds ridiculous, but it's absolutely true. they opened me up to art, experiences, drugs, music and thoughts/concepts i never would have sought out on my own .. even though i don't devote a large portion of my time to these people, i owe them more than the time i have.
the last person i'm going to talk about is Fletcher. i know his name reappears in this journal so much, and for good reason. he is such a ridiculous son of a bitch. but the charm that boy has could cause you to jump into a never ending black hole. i can't begin to explain how he made me feel. again, i don't know if it's love .. i don't think i've allowed myself to be fully capable of that emotion but he captured a part of me that i'll never get back. my friends and family despise him and sometimes, i do too. he is concerned with trivial matters that i have no interest in .. but when i talk to him, or see him ... or come within 1000 miles of him i sweat. tingle and lose notions of anything else in the universe. i hate him for it. but i hold on to him for it too. love triangles between him and a certain girl got mixed up in all the mess. however, my unrelenting adoration and infatuation with the boy won't cease to exist.
thus far in life, i've come close to going over the edge .. some people have pushed and some have extended thier hand. i'm eternally grateful for both.
if you've read all this, you're a crazy bitch.