Comments | writers_guild: Chapter 1: The Captive Cook

amyjmars in writers_guild

Chapter 1: The Captive Cook

Nov 21, 2013 12:24

Hello everyone, I'm new to livejournal and will attempt to post chapters of my new story here. If you have any feedback to offer that would be great and very much appreciated. This will be a YA fiction with plots of political intrigue. Thank you!

Amy J Mars

( The Captive Cook: Chapter 1 )

Comments 5

arcee8 November 21 2013, 05:07:22 UTC

Hi Amy, here's a thought or two from me: Your first chapter starts too abruptly. I have no idea who the narrator is, what the purpose of your story is, why I should care about her or the man, who the man is, who Lord Malachi is, etc. Why was he poisoned? How did the narrator know he was poisoned? Why is Mistress Brenna first upset at the thought of her reputation as a poisonous inn but then not if it was going to kill the boy? Wouldn't her reputation remain the same? I think it would be a good idea to intersperse some narrative throughout your chapter so that the reader has a sense of context--where does this story take place? What's the time period? Of course, you've hinted at the second question, but not enough I think ( ... )

thanks arcee8 amyjmars November 21 2013, 06:33:44 UTC

Thanks for such a quick reply! Yes, it is quite abrupt when I look at it from your pov. I have 5 different chapter 1s and keep changing my mind, but now I think I'll combine this one with another one to get the depth in there.

One question if you don't mind: when you read it did you want to know more? Or did you want to stop reading?

Thanks again.

Re: thanks arcee8 arcee8 November 21 2013, 07:12:49 UTC

I have to admit, you probably won't get any other replies because the community is dead, for the most part. It's not like it was a few years ago, sadly.

At any rate, honestly, I'm not sure I would have kept reading. Part of it is the lack of context, but the other had nothing to do with you per se--I'm not a huge fan of the genre it looks like you're writing.

Re: thanks arcee8 amyjmars November 21 2013, 07:16:20 UTC

Ok, thanks~

(The comment has been removed)

Thanks america220 amyjmars November 22 2013, 10:48:06 UTC

Thanks america220,

After reading both your comments, I decided to change the 1st chapter to one of my earlier drafts and expand on it a little more to give readers more background. I agree that my initial first chapter would be better as a later chapter when the reader is hopefully a bit more connected to the characters.

If anyone wants to read it, just go to my page.

Thanks again!