(no subject)
Title: Higher Reasoning
author: Chanter
Series: Star Trek Voyager, roughly season 3
Characters/pairings: ensign Ayala
Rating: PG
Summary: I needed something concrete. We all did. Ayala reflects.
314 words
I wondered, for a while.
Hell, I did more than wonder; being stuck seventy thousand lightyears from home made us all bang our heads against a few metaphorical walls. Maybe even a few physical ones, depending on who you talked to and when. And not that I wasn’t tempted once or twice, but on a ship built for combat performance rather than venting frustration, everything carries. I could deal. But I admit I wondered--hell yes. We all did. Starfleet, Maquis, whatever; I bet even Neelix and Kes had a question or seven in the early days. Some people were just puzzled. Some of us were downright steam out the ears furious. And me... yeah. And then there was me.
I was somewhere in the middle. Sure I was pissed, everybody was to one degree or another. I had a family; no kids, no better half, but parents and brothers still count, and I had a life, off sensors and under radar though it was. And I was just like the rest of both crews in a couple senses of the word: mixed up, shaken around and looking for answers. We had plenty of Starfleet rhetoric, but that only went so far.
I needed something concrete. I needed a reason.
We all did.
And I admit I’m still figuring it out, time elapsed or not. A thing like this, being stuck in a situation like ours - that takes time. That takes years. Part of me’s thankful in a weird way that years are what we’ve got; I won’t lie and say I’m to grips with everything yet. I’d be kidding myself if I tried. But I can look around.
And maybe it’s philosophy, maybe it’s attachment, maybe it’s just another result of our circumstances but damned if a bigger part of me doesn’t see the reason I needed every day when I do.
author: Chanter
Series: Star Trek Voyager, roughly season 3
Characters/pairings: ensign Ayala
Rating: PG
Summary: I needed something concrete. We all did. Ayala reflects.
314 words
I wondered, for a while.
Hell, I did more than wonder; being stuck seventy thousand lightyears from home made us all bang our heads against a few metaphorical walls. Maybe even a few physical ones, depending on who you talked to and when. And not that I wasn’t tempted once or twice, but on a ship built for combat performance rather than venting frustration, everything carries. I could deal. But I admit I wondered--hell yes. We all did. Starfleet, Maquis, whatever; I bet even Neelix and Kes had a question or seven in the early days. Some people were just puzzled. Some of us were downright steam out the ears furious. And me... yeah. And then there was me.
I was somewhere in the middle. Sure I was pissed, everybody was to one degree or another. I had a family; no kids, no better half, but parents and brothers still count, and I had a life, off sensors and under radar though it was. And I was just like the rest of both crews in a couple senses of the word: mixed up, shaken around and looking for answers. We had plenty of Starfleet rhetoric, but that only went so far.
I needed something concrete. I needed a reason.
We all did.
And I admit I’m still figuring it out, time elapsed or not. A thing like this, being stuck in a situation like ours - that takes time. That takes years. Part of me’s thankful in a weird way that years are what we’ve got; I won’t lie and say I’m to grips with everything yet. I’d be kidding myself if I tried. But I can look around.
And maybe it’s philosophy, maybe it’s attachment, maybe it’s just another result of our circumstances but damned if a bigger part of me doesn’t see the reason I needed every day when I do.