And now that my brainy moment is over...
Current Mood: dumb
Current Music: Undo It- Carrie Underwood
"You took my happy, you made me cry. Took the lonely and took me for a ride. And I want uh-uh-uh undo it. You had my heart, now I want it back, I'm starting to see everything you lack. Boy, you blew it, you put me through it, I wanna uh-uh-uh undo it!"
So, I'm sitting here typing my last rant and Jake comes walking up behind me and says, "So, I hear you're quitting on me."
And I feel a little punch in my heart, as I hear Mike--after he found out that I was leaving KFC for Arby's saying, "I can't believe you're leaving me."
Another Mikeism.
And it begs the question: HOW DO I KEEP LIKING THE SAME GUY??????
Followed by a vehement growl.
And then to make matters even worse he's like, "What's that restaurant you work at?" and "What nights do you work?" and I'm thinking, "OH MY GOSH JAKE, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T ASK GIRLS QUESTIONS LIKE THESE IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN THEM AND THEY ARE CLEARLY INTERESTED IN YOU??? WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS???"
But I sucked it up, and I responded as a normal person who doesn't really care more than a co-worker should. Because it's not his fault that he reminds me so much of the only guy I ever thought I loved that I want to keep him like some kind of momento. Honestly, it's better this way. It's better that he doesn't like me, it's better that he didn't call, and it is DEFINITELY better that I'm getting away from him. Not because he's a bad guy--I'm sure he's not. I really do like him; I think he's smart, funny, friendly--he's very blue-eyed Aquarian. Which means I like him. But it also means he is SO not right for me.
Anyway.
I'm just a little frustrated, because it was hard, and I hate that it's hard. I HATE that I had difficulty keeping my normal. I HATE that as he approached and said, "I heard you're leaving me," and peered curiously at my book and my open laptop to see what I'm writing... I felt some of my brain melt.
Guys turn me to mush, because the possibility of love is quite literally my kryptonite. Think about it. I molded myself--or was molded by my alien negative mind--into this unemotional, unaffected badass chic, but obviously love/affection are the opposite thing, the undoing of unaffectedness and indifference.
So... maybe that is why I go for the people I know won't actually be a threat.
I get the feelings of affection, very condensed, not nearly as potent as the real thing, but since it isn''t going to work out anyway, it's all I can get without threat. Reading, writing, liking guys that aren't going to want to be with me... these are the only safe ways of "pursuing" love--by pursuing only love that can never actually touch me.
Go figure.
You'd think I'd be happier about my lonely if it's what I wanted anyway.
Current Music: Undo It- Carrie Underwood
"You took my happy, you made me cry. Took the lonely and took me for a ride. And I want uh-uh-uh undo it. You had my heart, now I want it back, I'm starting to see everything you lack. Boy, you blew it, you put me through it, I wanna uh-uh-uh undo it!"
So, I'm sitting here typing my last rant and Jake comes walking up behind me and says, "So, I hear you're quitting on me."
And I feel a little punch in my heart, as I hear Mike--after he found out that I was leaving KFC for Arby's saying, "I can't believe you're leaving me."
Another Mikeism.
And it begs the question: HOW DO I KEEP LIKING THE SAME GUY??????
Followed by a vehement growl.
And then to make matters even worse he's like, "What's that restaurant you work at?" and "What nights do you work?" and I'm thinking, "OH MY GOSH JAKE, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T ASK GIRLS QUESTIONS LIKE THESE IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN THEM AND THEY ARE CLEARLY INTERESTED IN YOU??? WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS???"
But I sucked it up, and I responded as a normal person who doesn't really care more than a co-worker should. Because it's not his fault that he reminds me so much of the only guy I ever thought I loved that I want to keep him like some kind of momento. Honestly, it's better this way. It's better that he doesn't like me, it's better that he didn't call, and it is DEFINITELY better that I'm getting away from him. Not because he's a bad guy--I'm sure he's not. I really do like him; I think he's smart, funny, friendly--he's very blue-eyed Aquarian. Which means I like him. But it also means he is SO not right for me.
Anyway.
I'm just a little frustrated, because it was hard, and I hate that it's hard. I HATE that I had difficulty keeping my normal. I HATE that as he approached and said, "I heard you're leaving me," and peered curiously at my book and my open laptop to see what I'm writing... I felt some of my brain melt.
Guys turn me to mush, because the possibility of love is quite literally my kryptonite. Think about it. I molded myself--or was molded by my alien negative mind--into this unemotional, unaffected badass chic, but obviously love/affection are the opposite thing, the undoing of unaffectedness and indifference.
So... maybe that is why I go for the people I know won't actually be a threat.
I get the feelings of affection, very condensed, not nearly as potent as the real thing, but since it isn''t going to work out anyway, it's all I can get without threat. Reading, writing, liking guys that aren't going to want to be with me... these are the only safe ways of "pursuing" love--by pursuing only love that can never actually touch me.
Go figure.
You'd think I'd be happier about my lonely if it's what I wanted anyway.