=The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same=
Current Mood: Sleepy
Current Music: Sober-Kelly Clarkson
"And I don't know. I could crash and burn, but maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me."
So, Mike is still...well, I feel more friendly toward him, although that will probably change come Tuesday when I actually see him. I can only hope he's missing me, too.
He lost his phone the other night, so I have no contact with him right now, and it's been three days since I've seen him, hugged him, kissed him, and I miss him. I am used to texting him regularly, every single day, or every other day if we're fighting.
But the last time I saw him --even though I recall him making me mad that day-- he also did something very subtle and very sweet and supportive that I can't get out of my head. When I try to tell myself he doesn't give a shit about me, that memory is the most recent one to come to mind, to make me think, "Then why did he do that?"
Friday (the last day I saw Mike) he takes a phone call at work, then he comes over to me and tells me, "Your favorite person is coming up here."
Who is my favorite person? I ask, but he refuses to tell. (He should have told me, but...he's a boy, and they know nothing about these things, so I will be merciful.) I asked everyone I thought it could be, but he only said, "She'll be here soon. You'll see."
SHE? My favorite person in the world is definitely not a 'she'.
Nina.
She was my surprise. And I almost threw her name out, too, but I thought, 'No, why would SHE be coming up here?'
I hate her. I forget how much I hate her until I see her, but I really, really hate her. More than anyone. And I told Mike as much on two different occasions. He knows my feelings for her, and as soon as the bitch walked in I got all stressed out and crabby.
(It didn't help that Nina has gotten skinnier and prettier than the last time I saw her, and while she's standing at the counter in glasses--looking beautiful in GLASSES-- talking to Mike --MY MIKE-- in this bright little yellow top with her perfect stupid Italian/Spanish tan, her hair all dark and shiny, I am clad in my greasy KFC uniform with flower on my pants and a sheen of grease on my skin from being there all day. My curls are beginning to frizz, and I am all too aware of the comparison of my body and hers, and the fact that my Mike is talking to that skanky stripper. Memories of her flirting with him in the past, comments about how she'd be the happiest girl in town if he was one of the guys that [she slept with] and the present-day smile on her face as she conversed with him...)
Would you be happy if the guy that could never find time to sleep with you was talking to your stripper nemesis?
Yeah, so....
But the sweet thing he did was when she left--although on reflection that makes it a touch less sweeter than had he done it in front of her, but...I was shocked that he touched me in public anyway, in front of our co-workers. It was obviously not something he thought about, he just reacted, which...could be good?
Anyway, he's taking a drink in the office and laughing about it, my eyes are dilated and I say, "You should have warned me. I needed time to prepare to see her."
"Why?" he asks with a chuckle, making some remark about her being infested with diseases.
"I hate her," I said lowly.
And that was when, as he walked up behind me, he supportively gave me an affectionate squeeze on the arm with a "Why?" or a soothing, "Come on," or something along those lines.
Mike soothed me. Intentionally. With a touch.
But it barely registered. I was so consumed with hatred and anger and...jealousy, and old feelings that resurface when she comes around. Images of Mike C. "saving the best for last," and hugging her after he hugged me and Shannon and whoever else he hugged. The night that Nina told me she made out with him and making the gagging face as to say he was a bad kisser. The day she found out I had kissed him and tried to grill me for details. The day she tried to get advice from Jeremy--then the day she said, "I'm just kidding. I love you, Jeremy," and I hit her with the broken down Snacker box. A myriad of nights I worked with her and Mikey, how she flirted with him and made me so tense that I started getting rashes. The night she tried to go have sex with someone on the clock, the first night I blew up on her and yelled at her in front of everybody. Kyle. The old Rivalry.
It didn't matter that if you really look at it, I came out the winner. I'm the one that slept with Mikey, not her; she's a stripper and I'm in college; Mike C says she has more facial hair than a man and admits to nothing with her when I ask; I'm not a whore and she is.
But I don't feel like the winner when she's around, and it makes me angry that she can make me feel inferior to her. That she can mock me with a smile.
Plus, she might be prettier than me. I don't know, because I can't look at us objectively, but if the two of us would have gone to the lake together, she may have been the one JT would have been taken with.
Anyway, I have to get to bed, so I'll be quick with everything else.
I spotted CouchGuy (or Ryan) at the movie theater Friday night and promptly ran the other way.
Jesse from the lake--he definitely came to the fair the night I went with Lyndsey (he and his new-ish girlfriend) and when I realized it was him I hid behind Lyndsey so he wouldn't see me.
(Did I ever tell you she's having a boy and naming him Braydon?)
I saw Jackie. She came in to KFC Saturday. She has cancer.
Tim is no more. Apparently I scared him back to his ex-girlfriend Cassie, because he cancelled on the fair Wed. and allegedly went with her Thursday, and when I texted him Saturday he didn't respond. Also, she is his number one again on MySpace, which is confirmation enough for me.
(Do you realize that I have not even told you about Tim? I skipped him entirely. I didn't tell you how I met him the night I went out with JT, I didn't tell you we went out on two dates the day of our first date--very Coyote Ugly and all-- and I didn't tell you about our first kiss. I didn't tell you anything, and I went out on...four or five dates with the guy, kissed him--making him number four on the list of guys I've kissed/made out with. And now he's gone, and I never even mentioned him. It's like Redneck!Tim never even happened.)
(It's also kind of sad that I haven't even made out with as many people as Mikey has slept with. And I've never been in a serious committed relationship.)
Thursday night I texted Mike C on a whim. Invited him to a movie. He couldn't go because he had to go to a movie "with his brother" (some speculation as to whether or not it was truly his brother, but...who really cares?) and we talked for a minute, then he's like, "We'll definitely have to hang soon."
And I didn't respond, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with him or not. The movie was fine, hanging out is not.
But then yesterday out of loneliness or boredom or whatever I'm blaming these things on nowadays, I texted him again telling him if we're gonna hang out we should try to do it before I go back to school.
He ignored me then. Still hasn't responded.
And I feel as if somehow the entire last two years of my life have changed nothing, because I'm still hoping to have Mikey over to spend time with me, Mike C. is in town for several months (and who knows if that could become permanent now that he and Danielle really broke up) and suggesting we hang out, Nina can still get the best of me, I'm still at KFC, and I still dream of leaving it all behind, but secretly fear it will never happen, and worse, almost wish something would happen to trap me into tghe life I'm trying to scorn so that I don't have to own up to the guilty desire to actually have these things.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm in a funk really bad right now.