I said my next post was going to be about getting published...
...but this post is one about my emotions and my emotional state is more important than discussing my book. So here goes.
& & & & &
I've realized today, or really just a few moments ago, that I'm still very angry about things that happened two years ago and it makes me feel like I have to be on guard when I interact with certain people. I feel like a paranoid bitch. But with the way my life's gone in the past 3.5 years, you would probably understand why I've lost a lot of trust in people in general, why I feel like I can never take anything at face value, that there's always something underneath what people are saying that I'm not getting.
There are only a very few select people in my life that I don't feel this way with. I feel like they mean what they say and there's no underlying complication. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like people are two-faced and will turn on you within a heart beat if you say the wrong thing. I only have... one friend that I can say anything to and we're always okay.
I hate feeling that some of my closest friends have ulterior motives at times. I hate being told one thing then another, then another and then in the end it's completely different.
I hate feeling out of the loop. I hate feeling like I'm just another fandom chick that doesn't matter enough to know about things that change in your life, like, BIG things. I hate feeling as though I'm unimportant when you are one of the most important people in my life. I mostly just hate that we never talk like we used to and but you have all the time in the world for other people. I hate feeling like I've been placed on the back burner.
Maybe this post should just be entitled "Things I Hate" because that seems to be the direction this post is going.
On the outside life seems pretty good, but on the inside I just feel like crap. I mean, it doesn't always feel like this and it hasn't for a bit, but right now I'm at a loss. I feel lost and confused and like the only people who care are the people that are paid to because it's their job as therapist and case manager. I hate feeling like I just want to say, Fuck it! and rid myself of everyone I know who I don't see on a regular basis... so that's all of one person.
I hate feeling like we're flirting and yet, I can only get your number if I'm a client or a customer. Like, yeah, I'd love to buy your art-work or a t-shirt but if I did that for every one of the friends I have, I'd be in debt up to my eyeballs. Really, I just want your number so we can text and become closer because, yeah, I have a crush on you. But half the time we're flirty and half the time I'm ignored. I go out of my way to do silly things that you request of me, yet you can't email me back.
I hate feeling like everything is working against me when I have a friend that really DOES have everything going against her. I know it's really just my mental state and yet, nothing really changes because no one really listens, or rather, the people that could help don't listen. Like my prescriber. If I tell her I'm depressed, she just tells me she can't give me anymore medicine and it's like, well maybe it's time to try something different as I've been on this for 11 years and it's not helping as much anymore.
I hate it when my mom says "This is our family and we need to make the decisions together" when really what she means is, I'm the mother and what I say goes. I'm twenty-seven years old and I still can't make decisions on my own and that's probably why I'm so fucking indecisive, which is something I hate about myself. I'm still the baby even though I'm an adult. I'm still the kid living with their mother and not a room mate when I pay to live here. I'm sorry if my disability doesn't cover half of everything, but it doesn't mean I'm not trying. It doesn't mean I want my mother to rule my life.
I hate that I've been sick since we moved into this house, have just found out that the attic has mold, yet my mother doesn't think it has anything to do with the way I sound like I'm coughing up my lungs every morning. She blames it on smoking. But it's not just that. I sound like that every morning, after I've been in my room all night. But by the time I go to bed and I've been downstairs all day, I sound fine. I'm also just so physically tired that I feel like I've been awake for days even though I get a full night's sleep about 99% of the time. Not even caffeine keeps me awake. Yet everyone thinks I'm okay because I'm getting 6+ hours of use out of my CPAP machine a night and the pressure is at a perfect percentage that keeps me from having airway issues. But I've been using it for almost a year now and I'm still so tired that it's hard to keep my eyes open unless I'm sitting upright from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. And even then I could fall asleep sitting up, I'm just that tired. I hate feeling like shit for the past two years and everyone else thinks there's nothing wrong. I just want to yell at people, DO MORE TESTS! FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT ALREADY! But I don't because once again, I feel like my mother rules my life and if she thinks it's not a problem then it's not.
I'm so sick of my life that I wish I could just pack up all my belongings and move far, far away from here; just start the fuck over. But I can't so I'm stuck and I hate it. I wish there was a do-over button. I wish I could just start my life over.
& & & & &
I've realized today, or really just a few moments ago, that I'm still very angry about things that happened two years ago and it makes me feel like I have to be on guard when I interact with certain people. I feel like a paranoid bitch. But with the way my life's gone in the past 3.5 years, you would probably understand why I've lost a lot of trust in people in general, why I feel like I can never take anything at face value, that there's always something underneath what people are saying that I'm not getting.
There are only a very few select people in my life that I don't feel this way with. I feel like they mean what they say and there's no underlying complication. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like people are two-faced and will turn on you within a heart beat if you say the wrong thing. I only have... one friend that I can say anything to and we're always okay.
I hate feeling that some of my closest friends have ulterior motives at times. I hate being told one thing then another, then another and then in the end it's completely different.
I hate feeling out of the loop. I hate feeling like I'm just another fandom chick that doesn't matter enough to know about things that change in your life, like, BIG things. I hate feeling as though I'm unimportant when you are one of the most important people in my life. I mostly just hate that we never talk like we used to and but you have all the time in the world for other people. I hate feeling like I've been placed on the back burner.
Maybe this post should just be entitled "Things I Hate" because that seems to be the direction this post is going.
On the outside life seems pretty good, but on the inside I just feel like crap. I mean, it doesn't always feel like this and it hasn't for a bit, but right now I'm at a loss. I feel lost and confused and like the only people who care are the people that are paid to because it's their job as therapist and case manager. I hate feeling like I just want to say, Fuck it! and rid myself of everyone I know who I don't see on a regular basis... so that's all of one person.
I hate feeling like we're flirting and yet, I can only get your number if I'm a client or a customer. Like, yeah, I'd love to buy your art-work or a t-shirt but if I did that for every one of the friends I have, I'd be in debt up to my eyeballs. Really, I just want your number so we can text and become closer because, yeah, I have a crush on you. But half the time we're flirty and half the time I'm ignored. I go out of my way to do silly things that you request of me, yet you can't email me back.
I hate feeling like everything is working against me when I have a friend that really DOES have everything going against her. I know it's really just my mental state and yet, nothing really changes because no one really listens, or rather, the people that could help don't listen. Like my prescriber. If I tell her I'm depressed, she just tells me she can't give me anymore medicine and it's like, well maybe it's time to try something different as I've been on this for 11 years and it's not helping as much anymore.
I hate it when my mom says "This is our family and we need to make the decisions together" when really what she means is, I'm the mother and what I say goes. I'm twenty-seven years old and I still can't make decisions on my own and that's probably why I'm so fucking indecisive, which is something I hate about myself. I'm still the baby even though I'm an adult. I'm still the kid living with their mother and not a room mate when I pay to live here. I'm sorry if my disability doesn't cover half of everything, but it doesn't mean I'm not trying. It doesn't mean I want my mother to rule my life.
I hate that I've been sick since we moved into this house, have just found out that the attic has mold, yet my mother doesn't think it has anything to do with the way I sound like I'm coughing up my lungs every morning. She blames it on smoking. But it's not just that. I sound like that every morning, after I've been in my room all night. But by the time I go to bed and I've been downstairs all day, I sound fine. I'm also just so physically tired that I feel like I've been awake for days even though I get a full night's sleep about 99% of the time. Not even caffeine keeps me awake. Yet everyone thinks I'm okay because I'm getting 6+ hours of use out of my CPAP machine a night and the pressure is at a perfect percentage that keeps me from having airway issues. But I've been using it for almost a year now and I'm still so tired that it's hard to keep my eyes open unless I'm sitting upright from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. And even then I could fall asleep sitting up, I'm just that tired. I hate feeling like shit for the past two years and everyone else thinks there's nothing wrong. I just want to yell at people, DO MORE TESTS! FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT ALREADY! But I don't because once again, I feel like my mother rules my life and if she thinks it's not a problem then it's not.
I'm so sick of my life that I wish I could just pack up all my belongings and move far, far away from here; just start the fuck over. But I can't so I'm stuck and I hate it. I wish there was a do-over button. I wish I could just start my life over.