I'm Between a Toyshop Girl and a Liberty Walk…
I have less than two hours before I have to get up to walk the Bear so, ya know, now's a good time to post.
I'm in this weird place between sad and empowered and a little bit angry/frustrated. It's a weird feeling. One I'm not sure what to do with. One that's making me want to scrap all of the writing I'm doing and just start on a brand new project for publication. Which is weird because none of my emotional stressers have anything to do with writing. I mean, I'm a little stressed about deadlines and lack of a finished product and lack of working on another project and wanting to sign up for a third big bang and working on getting published.
Yeah, that sounds like a lot but I'm happy with what I've got written and it's not affecting my emotional state which is actually a first. But maybe I want ro just stop working on these things and start a new project because it's a way of coping or some weird shit like that. God knows I need some help in the coping department as it's been three months since I've seen a therapist and almost six since I saw a good one. This waiting list shit sucks.
Mostly I think about her and the lack of talking we've been doing. It's not because either of us want it that way, it's just that her real life is taking precedence over her intraweb life at the moment. Which in all honesty sucks big time. But I keep thinking about her and these two boys and how I wish I could just show them up and be like, This is what you could have had but you've lost your chance. Another weird thing I'm feeling right now.
I'm not sure how to deal with these twisted and mangled emotions. It's so confusing. To the point that confusion is the biggest thing I'm feeling at the moment, which is weird in itself. Like, I don't know how to feel, like it's such a jumbled mess that none can be the dominate feeling and that makes it difficult to cope. Like I want to cry but nothing comes out, which is sort of a relief after all the crying I've been doing in the past four months.
I wish I could just hole up at a coffee shop and write and not bother with anything else. But Borders is across town and that's a hefty walk, plus Bear isn't my service dog so he couldn't come. Although Starbucks is just a hop, skip and a jump from my house. Literally at the end of my road, or rather just beyond the end of my road. It can bee seen from the end of my road and it's not off in the distance kind of proximity.
- where the hell are all these big words coming from? -
So maybe I could trudge down there get a hugely expensive mocha frappuccino with extra whipped cream and just write to my heart's content. But I would only do this if Jaclyn couldn't go to Borders with me because I don't think I can wait till Thursday for a big-ass blended coffee and almost completely undistracted (is that a word?) writing time. But there's also the dog to consider. Not like I couldn't go for up to four hours and then go home and walk him. I mean, he lasts all night from 11pm to 6am. But I probably wouldn't actually sit there for four hours by myself. I don't have the coping skills for that yet.
Well, it's almost quarter of five. My brain is too muddled to continue and make sense. I'm not sure I've even made any sense at all in this post but it's too late to contemplate. I'm going to get my ass up and take the dog out for a walk. Then when I get back I just might turn on the lappy and work on some writing that I probably shouldn't work on. *shrug* Who knows.
Thanks for reading this weird post. I hope you're all doing well. Drop me a line in the comments and tell me what you've been up to.
Love Always,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister♥
and
Bear •WOOF!•
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