Hopeless
I don't know where to begin. I'm sure I'll get ripped a new one for even posting about this, but I can't talk to anyone without them telling me my feelings about this are stupid. I mean, last night I wouldn't even talk to my therapist because I know she worries about the way I react to people online. What she doesn't get is when you talk to a group of girls on the internet more than you talk to the three best friends you have in RL, it's hard not to care so much what they say or think about you. I can't talk about this to anyone, they all tell me I don't need these girls and what not. But honestly, I thought we were all becoming really good friends and it's hard to let them go. Although there's one girl I know I can't be friends with anymore because we just can't keep from fighting each other, even if it's over the most stupid things.
Last night out of rage and hurt and whatever else, I decided to quit my newest big bang. Less than 12 hours later I asked the mod if I could take back my quit because I did it out of anger and hurt and wasn't thinking it through. She told me I couldn't because I was thisclose to causing drama in the community. When I asked her how, she wouldn't answer me. So I emailed her this morning about it and she replied telling me that my behavior is too inappropriate and she's scared of even matching me up with someone for art/fanmixes because of the way I behave. I asked her how I'm supposed to prove I can be civil if I can't participate in anything. She decided to reply on twitter. That's the part that makes me mad.
I got in trouble for posting about a private matter on a public forum, i.e.: twitter. Now she's doing it to me? How unfair is that? I asked her to please stop, and respond privately, but she continued to leave another tweet about it. I don't know whether I'm pissed off because she responded on Twitter, or heartbroken because I've written over 3,200 words for this story and now I can't use it. The art for it would have been so awesome. That's half the reason I picked one of the men in the pairing, because he's pretty and would make for good art.
I feel like I've lost a whole huge group of friends. Ones that were important to me. And maybe they don't see it because of the way I behave sometimes, but they really were important to me. And yeah, me and that one girl will never be friends again, no matter how hard either of us tried. Not that either of us will try. But you get what I mean.
The worst part of it all is that I don't feel safe anymore. Like, I'm just dying to go get a razor blade and cut myself up. I've been feeling like that since yesterday and it won't go away and the part that sucks so much is that it's been about 5 years since the last time I cut. But I don't think I can stop myself this time. I just need some release. I cried for house last night after I got in bed. And now I once again can't stop crying. I hurt so bad and no one seems to care and I just feel so alone and that just makes me want to cut more.
And no, I'm not writing this post for sympathy, I'm writing it to let my feelings out so maybe I won't hurt myself. But I'm not sure it's going to work. I'm not sure I can hold myself back any longer. It's been so long and I just can't take it anymore.
Last night out of rage and hurt and whatever else, I decided to quit my newest big bang. Less than 12 hours later I asked the mod if I could take back my quit because I did it out of anger and hurt and wasn't thinking it through. She told me I couldn't because I was thisclose to causing drama in the community. When I asked her how, she wouldn't answer me. So I emailed her this morning about it and she replied telling me that my behavior is too inappropriate and she's scared of even matching me up with someone for art/fanmixes because of the way I behave. I asked her how I'm supposed to prove I can be civil if I can't participate in anything. She decided to reply on twitter. That's the part that makes me mad.
I got in trouble for posting about a private matter on a public forum, i.e.: twitter. Now she's doing it to me? How unfair is that? I asked her to please stop, and respond privately, but she continued to leave another tweet about it. I don't know whether I'm pissed off because she responded on Twitter, or heartbroken because I've written over 3,200 words for this story and now I can't use it. The art for it would have been so awesome. That's half the reason I picked one of the men in the pairing, because he's pretty and would make for good art.
I feel like I've lost a whole huge group of friends. Ones that were important to me. And maybe they don't see it because of the way I behave sometimes, but they really were important to me. And yeah, me and that one girl will never be friends again, no matter how hard either of us tried. Not that either of us will try. But you get what I mean.
The worst part of it all is that I don't feel safe anymore. Like, I'm just dying to go get a razor blade and cut myself up. I've been feeling like that since yesterday and it won't go away and the part that sucks so much is that it's been about 5 years since the last time I cut. But I don't think I can stop myself this time. I just need some release. I cried for house last night after I got in bed. And now I once again can't stop crying. I hurt so bad and no one seems to care and I just feel so alone and that just makes me want to cut more.
And no, I'm not writing this post for sympathy, I'm writing it to let my feelings out so maybe I won't hurt myself. But I'm not sure it's going to work. I'm not sure I can hold myself back any longer. It's been so long and I just can't take it anymore.