New Chapter: Whataya Want from Me
Title/Chapter: Whataya Want from Me? (05/??)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister
Fandom: American Idol Season 8
Pairing: Adam Lambert / OFC [Temperance aka Tempe]
Rating: R - for some usage of the eff word
P.O.V.: First Person, OFC: Temperance
Previous Chapters
Summary: There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me, I’m a freak. But thanks for loving me, ‘cause you’re doing it perfectly. Oh there once was a time when I’d let you slip away. Oh I wouldn’t even try, but I think you could save my life.
CHAPTER FIVE
I’m so completely nervous when Adam walks back in to our hotel room, hair wet with no makeup on his face. I stand up and he strides over to me. “Are you okay?” he asks. I tug at my shirt sleeves, nodding. He reaches out to me making me cringe. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he says with a hurt puppy look on his face.
“I know,” I murmur. “I just need a little forewarning when it comes to physical contact.” Adam opens his arms to me and I step in to them, burying my face in his chest.
We stand there for a moment in silence before I pull back to look at him. “Come sit with me,” I say, pulling him over to my bed by his hand. We sit down next to Kris with me in the middle of the two men. I take a deep breath trying to calm my frayed nerves. “I uh, what you witnessed was me having a flashback,” I tell him.
“A flashback? What did you flash back to?” Adam asks, his brows knit together in concern.
“I’m not… I’m not ready to tell you the whole story yet. But what I can tell you is that when I went home from Idol I was attacked and um… When you tackled me it sent me in to panic mode and I flashed back to that attack and I just…” I shake my head, staring down at my hands clasped tightly together in my lap. “And I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“Hey now,” Adam murmurs. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Okay?” I nod. “Look at me,” the older man commands gently. I raise my gaze to his. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he says firmly.
I nod. “Okay,” I whisper.
There’s a beat of silence. “So what can I do?” Adam asks. This is where Kris launches in to everything that they can do to help me stop from leaving the present and how to get me back to it if my mind retreats back to the attack. When he’s done, he gives me a tight squeeze.
“I’m going to give you two some time. I need to shower anyway. I’ll see you at breakfast?”
I nod. “Thanks, Kris.” He smiles and gives me a wink before exiting the room.
I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair, smiling weakly at Adam. He moves closer and I prepare for his affection as he winds his arm around me. “This okay?” he asks. I nod, leaning my head against his shoulder. Then we sit in silence for a little while.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Adam asks quietly. “I mean, you still haven’t really told me but, why didn’t you call or something after it happened?”
“I didn’t want to worry you while you were still competing on Idol,” I answer with a shrug.
“But I’m worried now,” he says. “Why can’t you tell me now?”
“I don’t want to break your heart,” I tell him.
“What?”
I sigh. “If the roles were reversed and you told me that this kind of thing happened to you, my heart would just shatter. I don’t want to be the girl that does that to you.”
“But I want to know,” Adam insists. “I don’t care if my heart gets broken. We can grieve together. I know I already am.”
I pull back to look at him. “What do you mean?”
“I’m grieving the loss of my best friend,” Adam murmurs, running his fingers through my hair. “You’re different now. You used to be so happy and spunky and full of life. You had this spark in you that once you got close enough it just ignited this feeling of joy and fun in everyone.”
I slap his hand away from me. “You think I don’t know I’ve changed?!” I exclaim, anger bubbling in my chest. “I’m completely terrified of every little noise, every touch! Do you even know how fucking hard it was to get on that plane yesterday?!” I jump up and start pacing furiously back and forth in front of the bed.
“I can’t leave my apartment without someone holding my hand and yesterday I had to get on a plane by myself and fly here all by myself sitting in the middle seat between two men! I took valium before getting on the plane and it didn’t even knock me out I was so fucking nervous! And I’ve taken it before and I could barely keep my eyes open that time! God, Adam, I just wish… I wish…”
I stop, facing the bed, and hang my head. The toes of Adam’s boots come in to view and he takes my hands in his. “What is it?” he asks. “What do you wish?”
I look up in to his eyes and state, “I wish Aaron hadn’t found me. I wish I had died that day.”
Adam sets his jaw. “You don’t mean that,” he grinds out.
I toss his hands away from me. “Like hell I do!” I exclaim.
Adam’s steely blue eyes fill with tears. “Please,” he murmurs. “Please don’t say that. I can’t stand hearing you say that.”
“Well I can’t stand feeling that way,” I tell him quietly. “But it’s the truth. I wish I had. Living with what happened…” I shake my head. Adam puts his arm around me and steers me towards the bed.
He sighs. “I thought we were close, Tempe.”
I look at him, confused. “We are close, Adam.”
“Closer than you and Kris?” he asks.
I furrow my brow. “Of course. I tell you things I would never tell him.” I stop as it all clicks in to place. “You think we’re not close because I won’t tell you what happened?”
“I just… I thought we told each other everything, Tempe,” he says. “And, yeah, I get why you feel you can’t tell me, but we’re best friends.” He shrugs. “Maybe we’re not as close as I thought.” He looks down at his lap.
Tears well in my eyes and I launch myself at Adam, wrapping my arms around him tightly. “Don’t think that,” I murmur. “Of course we’re close. But it’s different telling you than it is telling Kris. It’s just… It’s just different, is all.”
“But how?” Adam asks, wrapping his arms around my waist, returning my embrace.
I sigh. I really don’t want to tell him why it’s so different. I know I don’t stand a chance with him. He’s gay after all. But if he needs me to show him that I trust him, this may be the only way.
“I can’t tell you,” I whisper, “because you’re my soul mate.” My voice is watery to match my eyes.
“But shouldn’t that be a good enough reason to tell me?” Adam asks.
“You don’t get it,” I tell him, pulling back and looking in to his eyes.
“Then tell me,” he says.
“I don’t know how,” I reply quietly.
Adam sighs and runs his hands through his damp hair. “Then I don’t know what to tell you, Temperance. If I don’t get it and you can’t tell me, than I don’t know what we’re supposed to do.” He starts to move away from me but I grab him by the shoulders and turn him back to me.
“Please,” I whimper. “Please don’t leave me. I need you, Adam.” My voice is so desperate and I can’t believe I don’t feel any shame for sounding that way.
“Hey, now,” Adam murmurs soothingly, wrapping his arms around me tightly. “I’m not going anywhere. I won’t ever leave you, Sweetie, we’re soul mates.”
If only he knew…
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Stay Tuned for Chapter Six!!!!!