Gripe Session
Got a character you just can't stand? A part of some book or film or game you absolutely hate? Well, this is your chance to bitch.
(This is my clever way of reading: I just wanted to bitch about some characters and thought everyone else should, too.)
Devil May Cry
Dante - Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up.
Nero - You say one more word, and I am going to figure out a way to shove that sword so far down your throat, you'll technically count as a 'sheath'.
Assassin's Creed
Altair - GODDAMNIT ATTACK WHERE I'M POINTING YOU TO ATTACK ARGH.
Ezio - Meet the edge of the rooftop. No, it is not okay for you to leap forty feet onto that poor defe- ohshit, guards. Well, since they're after you, stab that minstrel in the face.
Lucy - The fact that I have to wait until the end of the game to stab you makes me sad. Very sad.
Metal Gear Solid
Rosemary - DIE BITCH.
Raiden - SAME GOES.
Snake - I love you, and you're one of my favourite video game characters ever, but if you have to have an eighteen minute monologue, please warn me beforehand. It's hard keeping track of everything you're saying. And just admit it already - you live in a floating ship with a forty-year-old computer programmer, your mutually adopted daughter and chickens. You are middle aged, gay and in love. Stop hitting on the cyborg ninja, that's not going to make you any straighter.
Vamp - I also love you, but if the camera zooms in on your crotch knife one more damn time...
Resident Evil
Wesker - So. You've been shot by a rocket more times than Nasa has shot rockets, and you are still alive. How the hell is that still possible? Are there loads of little robot Weskers running around?
Sheva - You know you're an anti-lawsuit character, don't try to be cute, don't get in my way, and don't waste my health sprays on your sissy cuts.
Chris - Shoving watermelons up your arms is considered a bad idea, and you are the visual for why. You look like a caricature of a robot as drawn by a three year old with size issues.
Ashley - Pay no attention to the sign reading 'Dinner' taped to your forehead.
Silent Hill
Elle - I wish I'd left you in that damn sewer.
Joshua - I don't know who told you being a little shit was alright, but if you run away again, I'm leaving you in the Otherworld. Except I can't, because that would mean not playing the game.
Laura - Die. You're not cute. You're a kid in Silent Hill, and I have every reason to believe you do not exist. That you do is even more terrifying than Silent Hill.
Maria - Stop. Hitting. On. James. It's. Bloody. Annoying.
Uncharted
Nathan - Do you have some kind of magical superpower that makes every accented character in the game (besides Americans) want to screw you over? I'd really like to know because, so far, there has not been an American villain. THere has, however, been a Latino, Indian, Australian and British villain.
Elena - Bugger. Off. And. Die. You're a love interest! You're supposed to die or get kidnapped or explode or whatever, just go away and leave me to my archaeologisting.
(This is my clever way of reading: I just wanted to bitch about some characters and thought everyone else should, too.)
Devil May Cry
Dante - Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up.
Nero - You say one more word, and I am going to figure out a way to shove that sword so far down your throat, you'll technically count as a 'sheath'.
Assassin's Creed
Altair - GODDAMNIT ATTACK WHERE I'M POINTING YOU TO ATTACK ARGH.
Ezio - Meet the edge of the rooftop. No, it is not okay for you to leap forty feet onto that poor defe- ohshit, guards. Well, since they're after you, stab that minstrel in the face.
Lucy - The fact that I have to wait until the end of the game to stab you makes me sad. Very sad.
Metal Gear Solid
Rosemary - DIE BITCH.
Raiden - SAME GOES.
Snake - I love you, and you're one of my favourite video game characters ever, but if you have to have an eighteen minute monologue, please warn me beforehand. It's hard keeping track of everything you're saying. And just admit it already - you live in a floating ship with a forty-year-old computer programmer, your mutually adopted daughter and chickens. You are middle aged, gay and in love. Stop hitting on the cyborg ninja, that's not going to make you any straighter.
Vamp - I also love you, but if the camera zooms in on your crotch knife one more damn time...
Resident Evil
Wesker - So. You've been shot by a rocket more times than Nasa has shot rockets, and you are still alive. How the hell is that still possible? Are there loads of little robot Weskers running around?
Sheva - You know you're an anti-lawsuit character, don't try to be cute, don't get in my way, and don't waste my health sprays on your sissy cuts.
Chris - Shoving watermelons up your arms is considered a bad idea, and you are the visual for why. You look like a caricature of a robot as drawn by a three year old with size issues.
Ashley - Pay no attention to the sign reading 'Dinner' taped to your forehead.
Silent Hill
Elle - I wish I'd left you in that damn sewer.
Joshua - I don't know who told you being a little shit was alright, but if you run away again, I'm leaving you in the Otherworld. Except I can't, because that would mean not playing the game.
Laura - Die. You're not cute. You're a kid in Silent Hill, and I have every reason to believe you do not exist. That you do is even more terrifying than Silent Hill.
Maria - Stop. Hitting. On. James. It's. Bloody. Annoying.
Uncharted
Nathan - Do you have some kind of magical superpower that makes every accented character in the game (besides Americans) want to screw you over? I'd really like to know because, so far, there has not been an American villain. THere has, however, been a Latino, Indian, Australian and British villain.
Elena - Bugger. Off. And. Die. You're a love interest! You're supposed to die or get kidnapped or explode or whatever, just go away and leave me to my archaeologisting.