Breaking the Habit: 3/14
Title: Breaking the Habit
Author: write_my_dreams
Beta: lieben_kame
Pairing: Sakura x Hyde
Bands: Just L'Arc~en~Ciel for now
Genre: AU, drugs, romance, angst
Warning/Disclaimer: Mention of drug use. Hyde, Sakura, and Ken belong to themselves.
Rating: PG-13
Chapters: 3/14
Summary: Hyde and Sakura’s lives in Tokyo aren’t what they expected. Neither of them have found successful bands, Sakura hates his job, and Hyde is questioning his dream of becoming a musician. He’s happy with the life he has, but Sakura isn’t satisfied with an ordinary life and turns to heroin for comfort. Their lives and relationship go into a downward spiral as Sakura struggles with his addiction, leaving Hyde with the financial burden of their lives and the uncertainty of who Sakura loves more: him or heroin.
Author's Comment: Well... I meant to post this sooner but I just hit a brain block when it came to editing. I rewrote this chapter over the summer and wanted to come back and fix it up before posting, but I just get way too stressed about editing this story. I've decided to just post the chapter as is and save myself the headache and the stress. And it's better to have new chapters right?
Hyde took a sip of water and glanced around the bar. He hadn’t been pleased about being assigned a day shift since the bar was usually dead then. Fortunately it was Saturday so a good amount of people had showed up. Hyde had been kept busy today, much to his relief. He hated having nothing to do at work.
The bartender started as his phone buzzed. He took it out of his pocket, glancing down to see who was calling. Sakura! Hyde smiled as he answered the phone. “Hey, Yacchan.”
“Hey. Bored to tears yet?”
Hyde chuckled. “No, there are people here. What about you?”
“That’s good. I’m fine, just watching TV.”
“Sounds nice.” Hyde wouldn’t mind doing that. Curl up with Sakura and a big bowl of popcorn to watch a movie… too bad they were working opposite shifts today.
“It is. What time do you get off work?”
“18:00.” Hyde brushed his bangs back. “We could meet up and have dinner before your shift starts.” Sakura had gotten a job at a nightclub three weeks ago and his shifts generally started around 21:00.
Sakura laughed. “You read my mind. We haven’t been on a date in a while so I figured we should have dinner tonight. I’ll even buy you dessert.”
Hyde smiled at how cheerful his lover sounded. He liked hearing that. “I’d love that.” Sakura was happier now that he had a job he actually liked. He no longer came home angry, didn’t want to move out of Tokyo, and had started looking for bands again. Life had gone back to normal for them. Hyde just wished that Sakura had taken Ken’s offer instead of finding work elsewhere. Sakura had appreciated the offer, but had turned it down because he didn’t feel like he’d earned it. He didn’t want a pity job so he’d applied elsewhere. Hyde had been happy for him, until he went to visit Sakura. The club wasn’t set in the greatest location and the atmosphere made him uneasy. It was too dark, too crowded inside and there were far too many men who stared at him like he was something to eat. Sakura had noticed Hyde’s discomfort and asked him not to visit him at work anymore. That made the bartender even more uneasy, but he wasn’t going to ask Sakura to leave his job. Sakura was finally happy.
“Great,” Sakura said. “I’ll pick you up then.”
“Okay. Can you bring me some clothes?” Hyde didn’t want to go on a date in his work uniform. “Nothing slutty though!”
“I would never pick out slutty clothes for you.” Sakura sounded so sweet and angelic that Hyde almost believed him. Almost. But then he remembered the last time he’d asked his lover for a change of clothes. Sakura had brought him a short skirt and a tight shirt. Hyde hadn’t been pleased. He remembered rolling the skirt into a ball and smacking Sakura with it.
“Yeah right,” he snorted. “Just bring me jeans and a t-shirt. Nothing skin tight either!”
“Fine, fine.”
Hyde checked his watch. “My break’s almost over; I have to go. Bye, Yacchan. I’ll see you after work.”
“Bye.” Sakura hung up.
Hyde tucked the phone back into his pocket. Their date would be fun even though they had limited time. Sakura had picked up some extra shifts lately, which made it harder for them to spend time together. But Hyde would rather have his lover be busy with work than feel unhappy about his life and return to heroin.
* * *
Hyde pouted as Sakura’s phone rang. “Yacchan, we’re on a date,” he complained as his lover pulled the phone out of his pocket.
“I know,” Sakura gave him an apologetic smile. “It’s from work though.”
“All right,” Hyde sighed. “You better answer it then.”
The taller man stroked his hand then got up and walked away. Hyde looked back at their food. They had ordered a few dishes to share, and he really wanted more pork. But he had intended to let Sakura have the rest… even though it was so good and he wanted to eat more. Hyde bit his lip and studied the pork, debating whether to eat it or not. It was too delicious to resist. He would just order more next time to make up for eating it. He pulled the bowl closer to him and ate a piece. Mm… delicious. By the time his lover returned, Hyde had demolished the pork and rice.
“Was that your boss?”
“No, a co-worker wanted to know if I could take his shift next week.” Sakura sat down and frowned at the empty pork bowl. “Hyde! I was going to eat that.”
“You took too long,” the bartender pouted. “I couldn’t resist.”
“Did you eat our dessert too?”
“No, it hasn’t arrived yet,” Hyde huffed. He wasn’t that gluttonous.
“Good since it would have been gone by now.” Sakura chuckled. “I remember I left the table one time and you ate the rest of my food and dessert by the time I came back.”
Hyde giggled. “I thought you were done eating! And you took a while to come back.” He reached for his lover’s hand and laced their fingers together. “I promise I won’t eat your food the next time we go out.”
Sakura rolled his eyes. “I’ve heard that before. Maybe I should eat your food next time.”
“That wouldn’t be nice,” Hyde pouted.
“Hm… it’s impossible though. You don’t leave the table until you’ve cleared the last grain of rice from your plate.”
The bartender huffed. “Now you’re just being mean to me.” he pulled his hand back and sighed as he looked at his plate. “I guess I won’t be wearing that sexy outfit for you when we go clubbing on Saturday.”
Sakura took his hand and laced their fingers together. “Sexy outfit?”
Hyde resisted the urge to roll his eyes. So predictable. “Very sexy. But,” he frowned, “you implied I was a fatass so I should return it. Another man can wear it for his boyfriend.” He had no intention of doing so, but wanted to make Sakura squirm. He looked up from his plate and leaned in closer. “Or do you really want me to keep it?”
“Of course I do.”
The bartender smiled as their waitress set their parfait in front of them. “Thank you,” he said, turning back to Sakura. “I’ll make you a deal then.” He smiled sweetly. “I’ll wear that outfit for you if you let me share without complaining the next time we go out.” He scooped up some ice cream and took his time to lick the spoon clean. He never passed up a chance to tease Sakura. He smirked as the taller man’s eyes followed his every move. Too easy.
Sakura took the spoon from him. “Deal.”
* * *
“Mm, Yacchan… don’t you have to go to work?” Hyde tilted his head so Sakura could kiss down his neck. They returned to their apartment after dinner so Sakura could change into his work clothes. Once dressed, Hyde had walked him to the door and kissed him goodbye. The kiss had turned into another… and another… and soon his back had connected with the door as they started making out.
“In a minute.” Sakura brought him back into another steamy kiss.
Hyde tangled his fingers in his lover’s hair and responded eagerly, parting his lips to grant Sakura’s tongue entrance. He shivered in pleasure as the other man’s hands slid out from under his shirt to caress his thighs. It was unfortunate that Sakura had to go to work. Hyde wanted to model that sexy outfit for him…
The bartender broke the kiss when he needed to breathe, turning pale as he checked his watch. “Yacchan! You’re going to be late if you don’t leave now.” He gently pushed his lover back so he could step away from the door.
Sakura swore. “Damn. I’ll see you in the morning then.” He stole another kiss then opened the door.
“Text me when you get to work.”
“I will. Bye,” Sakura waved and shut the door behind him. Hyde brushed his hair back and looked around the apartment. His lover didn’t get off work until seven so he might as well take care of some chores then watch a movie if he wasn’t too tired.
Hyde started with cleaning. As he was doing the dishes, he got a text from Sakura saying that he was at work. Good, he arrived in time. The bartender dried his hands and wished him a good shift then turned on the radio. He sang along as he washed the dishes and cleaned the counters. Once the kitchen was spotless, he turned to laundry. He and Sakura had been too busy or lazy to do it and were running out of clean clothes. Hyde put a load of laundry in the machine and took his time to clean the rest of the apartment in between loads.
When the last load of clothes was dry, Hyde carried the laundry basket into the bedroom. He opened the dresser to put away their shirts and rolled his eyes at Sakura’s clothes. Black, black, and more black. Tetsu liked to complain about how Hyde’s clothes were too dull, but he had nothing on Sakura. The bartender laughed as he imagined his lover in pink. That would be strange… he shook his head and put the shirts away. The closest Sakura came to the color was taking pink clothes off of Hyde - not that he wore them often.
Hyde opened the top drawer and pushed some of Sakura’s socks aside to make room for more. He frowned as he saw the edge of a Ziploc bag poking out from under a pair of socks. What was that? He reached out to move the socks, but hesitated. Being Sakura’s lover didn’t give him the right to snoop in his dresser. But if this was something bad… Hyde moved the socks. His heart dropped as he saw the contents of the bag: two syringes, a packet of heroin, some tinfoil, and a spoon. Sakura… had lied to him? Hyde’s hand shook as he picked up the bag. He was still using drugs? Even though he liked his new job and their lives were good again?
“Why?” Hyde whispered. Why would Sakura bring this poison back into their relationship? And since he had never stopped using… the bartender shivered as he imagined what else his lover had lied about. Hyde dropped the bag and buried his face in his hands. He felt so betrayed when he found Sakura high the second time, but nothing could compare to this.
*
Hyde hadn’t been able to sleep after finding the heroin. He was lying on the couch, watching a movie and drinking his third cup of coffee. It was too hard to pay attention to the TV though since he had too much on his mind. He had been so convinced that this nightmare was over. Finding the tools in Sakura’s drawer was like being stabbed in the back. Sighing, Hyde set his mug down and turned to look at the door. It was close to 8:00 now and as long as traffic wasn’t too bad, Sakura would be here at any minute. Or would he? He might go somewhere else and shoot up instead. Hyde’s trust in his lover was beginning to crumble. He needed to talk to Sakura and get the truth - but could he believe him? The other man had already lied to him about using.
Sakura opened the door a few minutes later. He looked surprised as he noticed Hyde. “Hey, why are you awake? I thought you would be in bed by now.” he took off his shoes and came into the living room.
“I couldn’t sleep.” The bartender rubbed his eyes and picked the bag up off the table. “Explain.” He held it up so Sakura could see its contents.
His lover turned a shade paler. “Hyde…”
“I found this when I put your laundry away.” Hyde threw the bag at him and got up off the couch. He had been an emotional whirlwind ever since discovering that bag. Shock, guilt for not noticing sooner, betrayal, sadness that Sakura was still using… and anger. Anger was the dominant emotion now. “How long have you been using? And don’t lie to me. I’m your lover so show me respect by telling me the truth.”
Sakura rubbed his face. “I never really stopped. I shoot up every so often since it makes all my problems go away. I don’t do it daily though! I’m careful to keep a couple days between each dose - keep it recreational. I don’t want to get addicted and have heroin rule my life.”
“You’re well on your way to becoming an addict,” Hyde snapped. “I can’t believe you would keep using behind my back!”
“I’m sorry. I just… couldn’t stay away.”
Hyde frowned. “Have you really been working extra shifts? Or did you lie to me and go shoot up while you were ‘at work.’” Sakura’s guilty expression was the only answer he needed. He curled his fingers into fists and glared at his lover. “What’s next, you’re sleeping with someone else?”
Sakura looked insulted. “No! I’m not having sex with someone else,” he snapped. “I can’t believe you would say that.”
“You’ve lied about using drugs. What else should I think?”
“Why don’t you have some faith in me.”
“Answer me then.”
Sakura sighed, expression becoming guilty again. “Both. I have been working extra shifts… heroin is expensive and I knew you would get suspicious if my bank account started dropping. But sometimes I did lie and go shoot up with my-” he stopped midsentence as Hyde slapped him, looking stunned. Neither of them were violent and they had never raised a hand against each other before.
Hyde was so angry he was shaking. “I don’t know who you are anymore. Using drugs, lying, keeping secrets, running off to shoot up… I hate this. I hate this so much, Sakura. Face your problems instead of hiding behind a needle!”
Sakura rubbed his cheek. “So this is how you want to fight? By hitting me?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
The other man gave him a frustrated look. “I’m sorry I lied to you, but you don’t need to slap me to make your point. I know what I did is wrong… but heroin makes me feel so good. I use it to cope with life. Just like how you drink.”
“Sakura! There’s a huge difference between heroin and alcohol,” Hyde protested. Alcohol was much safer than heroin. And so different they shouldn’t be compared.
Sakura rubbed his face. “I’m tired so if you still want to fight, we can do so after I’ve slept.”
“We’re not done.” Hyde caught his lover’s arm and gave him a stern look. He wouldn’t let go of this issue so soon.
“No, we are.” Even though he was irritated, Sakura was gentle as he pushed him away. He went into the bedroom and shut the door behind him. Hyde glared at the door and stormed into the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. He then went into the guest room. There was no way in hell he would sleep in the same bed as Sakura. But after he rolled out the futon, he started to have second thoughts. Hyde had told Sakura to face his own problems - so avoiding him like this was hypocritical. And childish. Problems with life had made Sakura turn to drugs, and Hyde didn’t want to be part of the reason for his continued heroin use.
The bartender sighed and headed to their bedroom. He wasn't sure if Sakura would be awake or not so was quiet about opening the door. He hesitated in the doorway as he saw his lover asleep on his side of the bed, one arm stretched out over the sheets where Hyde usually lay. Seeing this made the guilt he felt over slapping Sakura even worse. Hyde knew he shouldn't have done it. Violence was never, and should never be, the answer to their problems. The bartender walked up to the bed and pulled back the sheets on his side, lying down and pulling the covers over him. He glanced at Sakura again and reached out to take his hand. He would apologize for hitting him later today.
* * *
Hyde was lying in Sakura’s arms when he awoke. It was instinctive for both of them to snuggle up to each other no matter how upset they were. Sakura was still asleep and had his head on Hyde’s pillow. The bartender stroked his lover’s peaceful face and bit his lip. He didn’t want to fight with him again. He just wanted the heroin to go away forever. Hyde would do anything to keep Sakura away from the needle, but what else could he do? His other attempts had failed and he didn’t know what to do now.
The other man stirred at Hyde’s touch and slowly opened his eyes. “Hey,” the bartender whispered. He smoothed Sakura’s bangs out of his face. They needed to talk, but that would have to wait until his lover was more awake.
“Hey.” Sakura stretched, shifting a little then settling back against the pillows again.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah… I did. What about you?”
“Same.” Hyde had been exhausted from staying up for an entire day. They both had needed that rest. His lover looked more awake now so he should be able to carry on a conversation. “Yacchan… do you want to talk about this morning?”
Sakura rubbed his eyes and nodded. “We need to.”
“I’m so sorry I slapped you.” Hyde stroked his cheek. “I was just… furious about the heroin. I still am.” He wouldn’t let his anger get the better of him again though. He had to be mature and calm to handle this nightmare. “But I shouldn’t have hit you.”
“It’s all right, I did fuck up royally.” Sakura sighed and pressed Hyde closer. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I know how much you hate drugs, but I just…” he trailed off and frowned, struggling to find the right words. “I guess I just got used to how it makes me feel and I didn’t want to give that up. Things are getting better, but I’m still frustrated. Heroin helps me cope.”
Hyde sighed. “Do you use because of bands?”
“Yeah.”
Hyde brushed his hair back. “Yacchan, you’re not going to magically fall into a band. You have to be patient and accept that it could take some time to find a new band. And that the new band won’t work for you. Maybe they disband or you leave because the members want different things than you do. Look at famous musicians and how many bands they’ve been in. How many bands it took before they found that one that took them to the top. Just be patient, Yacchan. You’ll find the perfect band eventually. You don’t have to use heroin,” he sniffed as he felt tears welling up in his eyes, “to escape your problems.”
Sakura looked worried. “I know… it’s frustrating though.” He brushed the tears away. “I won’t become an out of control addict though, I promise. I’ll just do what you do and have a drink if I’m stressed.”
Hyde cuddled closer to him in relief. “Thank you. Throw the heroin out and don’t bring it back into our lives ever again. You don’t need that poison anymore.”
Sakura kissed the top of his head. “I’ll throw it out.”
“And you won’t buy more?” Hyde met his lover’s gaze. He needed to know this nightmare was going to end. If not, then he had two choices: help Sakura get over his liking for heroin… or leave. The second option scared him. He loved this man so much. How could he leave him?
Sakura hesitated. “Hyde… I don’t want to keep lying to you. I really like how heroin makes me feel so I can’t get rid of it just yet. Please, just let me have my last few doses and then I’ll quit. I swear I’ll get rid of everything and never buy more. I promise.”
Hyde bit his lip. That wasn’t the response he wanted. “I don’t know if I can believe you. You promised you would never do heroin again, but you’ve still been using. I love you and I want to be with you so much, but if you’re going to lie and use drugs then I… I don’t know if I can do this.”
Sakura took his hands. “I’m not lying to you this time. I promise, just a few times and then I step away from it forever.”
Hyde searched his eyes and found sincerity in them. “You promise?”
“I promise.” Sakura leaned down to kiss him. The bartender returned the kiss and reached up to thread his fingers in his lover’s hair. He kissed Sakura again and pressed him closer. Hyde wanted to believe him even though he was afraid the promise would be broken as easily as the others had been.
Notes
1) I skimmed parts of this... figured I'd panic and want to edit if I thoroughly read through everything. So apologies for any mistakes or poor wording choices. I'm going to end up hating this story again if I get anal and obsessive about editing so trying to be more relaxed.
2) Still, please point out any typos or missing words if there are any
3) Chapter 4 is almost 20 pages long so I'm divided that into two parts. Look for Part 1 next week.