痛みは憂鬱のせいでのか
Well... obviously my "I'm back!" entry from November turned out to be inaccurate. My writing drive had returned, though it soon waned again aside from answering RP and writing partial scenes in my notebook. As of this week I seem to finally be able to get working on projects again. Part B of Chapter 8 is almost done - finally. I'm almost afraid to look at when I posted Part A. It's been such a long time.
At the end of my last entry, I mentioned that I was meeting with the surgeon on January 23. I thought I knew how that appointment would go. The doctor would look over my wrists, have me take a nerve test, and after that was done it would be time to schedule the date for my surgery. None of that happened. He asked me questions about my pains, did some tests on my wrists ahd hands, asked about my life... and completely pulverized my spirit by saying he didn't think I had carpal tunnel or tendinitis at all and that he believed my pains were being caused by my depression. I completely broke down which was super unpleasant and embarrassing because I really hate crying in front of people, especially complete strangers! X-Rays were taken of my wrists and the surgeon couldn't find anything wrong with my wrists. As much as I hated that session because it totally floored me, I do appreciate that A) he recognizes mental illness B) he was disappointed that the other doctors I'd been to had only prescribed pills instead of thinking it could be depression C) he said it wasn't right for a woman of my age to be in such a stagnant life. He said I should do aerobic exercise and see a psychiatrist along with getting a nerve test done.
Had the nerve test done last Friday. If you can, avoid one at all costs. The first half of the test is receiving electric shocks and then the second is being poked with a needle. Highly unpleasant though the doctor performing the test was very friendly and was telling me about his Russian Blue that he'd taught to fetch. The test results came back negative for any physical ailments. The head doctor said I had perfect nerves, that he wished he had nerves as good as mine, and that I had a less than 1% chance of having carpal tunnel.
The week of my surgeon meeting was a difficult one for me and I absorbed myself in a new book series so I could enjoy that and block out the horror of reality. Three appointments with a psychiatrist later, I've had ample time to come to terms with this diagnosis and try to get to the root of things. I've also realized just how very stagnant my life has been since March 2015 when these pains first began. I've altered between crushing depression and feeling decent or even happy for the last couple years but it is saddening for me to see how little I've managed to do for myself. These pains have dominated my life. Once I start feeling pains in my hands/wrists/forearms, I tend to stop whatever activity I'm doing. That's held me back from writing, from pursuing a job I actually want, and from doing pretty much anything.
So I guess it's a matter of rewiring my brain? And trying to work through all this... stuff. I did start going to a gym this week and been trying to get on the elliptical more often. Plus I have two fuzzy personal trainers who demand a long walk every morning. Ollie thinks he's a cat and is perched on the armrest of my chair.
But I am trying to get my life back to a more stable point. I completed my ongoing project of sorting out my possessions and doing a massive cleanup in my bedroom. Everything is nice and organized now and I feel that my room has become a much calmer space now that all the clutter and junk has been taken care of. It'll be easier for me to concentrate now so I plan on doing a lot of work at my desk. Job hunting and writing and thinking of what I should be doing professionally. I have a meeting with one of the career counselors on campus next week so there's at least that. And I will finally be posting fics here again. My drive is coming back at last and I will hopelly have something to post this week :)
At the end of my last entry, I mentioned that I was meeting with the surgeon on January 23. I thought I knew how that appointment would go. The doctor would look over my wrists, have me take a nerve test, and after that was done it would be time to schedule the date for my surgery. None of that happened. He asked me questions about my pains, did some tests on my wrists ahd hands, asked about my life... and completely pulverized my spirit by saying he didn't think I had carpal tunnel or tendinitis at all and that he believed my pains were being caused by my depression. I completely broke down which was super unpleasant and embarrassing because I really hate crying in front of people, especially complete strangers! X-Rays were taken of my wrists and the surgeon couldn't find anything wrong with my wrists. As much as I hated that session because it totally floored me, I do appreciate that A) he recognizes mental illness B) he was disappointed that the other doctors I'd been to had only prescribed pills instead of thinking it could be depression C) he said it wasn't right for a woman of my age to be in such a stagnant life. He said I should do aerobic exercise and see a psychiatrist along with getting a nerve test done.
Had the nerve test done last Friday. If you can, avoid one at all costs. The first half of the test is receiving electric shocks and then the second is being poked with a needle. Highly unpleasant though the doctor performing the test was very friendly and was telling me about his Russian Blue that he'd taught to fetch. The test results came back negative for any physical ailments. The head doctor said I had perfect nerves, that he wished he had nerves as good as mine, and that I had a less than 1% chance of having carpal tunnel.
The week of my surgeon meeting was a difficult one for me and I absorbed myself in a new book series so I could enjoy that and block out the horror of reality. Three appointments with a psychiatrist later, I've had ample time to come to terms with this diagnosis and try to get to the root of things. I've also realized just how very stagnant my life has been since March 2015 when these pains first began. I've altered between crushing depression and feeling decent or even happy for the last couple years but it is saddening for me to see how little I've managed to do for myself. These pains have dominated my life. Once I start feeling pains in my hands/wrists/forearms, I tend to stop whatever activity I'm doing. That's held me back from writing, from pursuing a job I actually want, and from doing pretty much anything.
So I guess it's a matter of rewiring my brain? And trying to work through all this... stuff. I did start going to a gym this week and been trying to get on the elliptical more often. Plus I have two fuzzy personal trainers who demand a long walk every morning. Ollie thinks he's a cat and is perched on the armrest of my chair.
But I am trying to get my life back to a more stable point. I completed my ongoing project of sorting out my possessions and doing a massive cleanup in my bedroom. Everything is nice and organized now and I feel that my room has become a much calmer space now that all the clutter and junk has been taken care of. It'll be easier for me to concentrate now so I plan on doing a lot of work at my desk. Job hunting and writing and thinking of what I should be doing professionally. I have a meeting with one of the career counselors on campus next week so there's at least that. And I will finally be posting fics here again. My drive is coming back at last and I will hopelly have something to post this week :)