Life or Death 5/5
Title: Life or Death
Author: write_my_dreams
Pairing: Atsushi x Asagi
Genre: AU, vampires, historical, romance, angst
Warning/Disclaimer: Warning for illness and drama. Asagi and Atsushi do not belong to me. The universe, the character portrayals, and the writing do though.
Rating: PG
Chapters: 5/5
Summary: Atsushi is struggling to adapt to the new technologies of the Meiji Period and often hides out in the countryside where little has changed for the last century. Out in the country, he meets Asagi: a young and beautiful, but sickly, human who quickly wins his heart. When Asagi falls ill with a fatal disease Atsushi must decide between saving Asagi's life by turning him into a vampire or keeping him human and letting him slip into death.
Author's Comment: I meant to revise this more but I don't have the motivation to do so. I read through it, made some changes, and while it's not perfect it's good enough to share. I haven't proofread it which is surely a huge mistake but I feel like I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard and if I don't post it now, I doubt I ever will.
Atsushi paused in front of the manor and looked up. Asagi’s window was open with a lantern on the windowsill. He couldn’t see his lover in the window but knew he was in the room. It had been difficult to leave his side, but Atsushi knew he should give the doctor and Asagi’s mother some time alone with him. So he had gone into the town. There he’d purchased more painting supplies and a gift for Asagi. A dark grey kimono with a swirling pattern of roses. The garment was beautiful and would suit his lover well. Atsushi hoped it would bring a smile to Asagi’s face. There was precious little for him to smile about as his health continued to decline.
He sighed softly as he entered the manor. He had barely made it inside before Asagi’s mother approached him. She had arrived shortly after Asagi first asked Atsushi to make him a vampire. Her presence had made Atsushi nervous at first, but she had soon accepted him and his relationship with Asagi.
“How is he?” Atsushi asked softly. He should have greeted her properly, but her grave expression made him worry. Had something happened…? No, he could still hear and smell Asagi’s life.
His anxiety deepened as she wrung her hands, losing her composure as she nibbled her lip. A nervous habit she shared with her son. “Come with me. There is something you should know before you see Asagi again.”
“As you wish.” Atsushi followed her. If his heart could beat, it would race as rapidly as hers did. Something was clearly wrong. But what? He could hear the musical beating of Asagi’s heart and raspy breaths that were frequently disrupted by horrible coughs.
She led him into her room then turned to face him. “Asagi…” she swallowed as she clutched the prayer beads around her neck. “His condition has worsened since yesterday. You have seen this,” she said softly. “And his health shows no sign of improving. Not even rest and tea can help him now.”
Atsushi winced. He knew Asagi’s physical state all too well. Especially compared to yesterday. It had been a rare day of energy for him, a day that had given everyone hope that he might live through this. Asagi had the strength to walk through the manor and visit the rose garden he’d once tended so dutifully. The servants tended it in his stead since Asagi was too ill to handle the work himself. He spent most of his days abed now as the tuberculosis ate away at his strength. He’d lost weight and was so pale now. It was terrifying to watch his lover crumbling before his eyes. “He is still abed?”
Asagi had been in his room, in the company of his mother and the doctor when Atsushi had decided to give them some time alone with Asagi.
She nodded. “He collapsed when he was coming to take his bath,” she said quietly, lowering her eyes. “Coughing up blood. I… I had him put to bed and the doctor called for. He said there is little he can do now. That Asagi,” her voice cracked as she spoke her son’s name, “does not have much longer to live and that I-I should arrange for the funeral.” Tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke the words. She was a strong, proud woman but watching her youngest child suffer shattered her. Asagi was the most precious to her out of all of her children. Not even her eldest son who would inherit the family lands could compare to her beloved youngest child. Fortunately for Asagi, there was little resentment from his other siblings. They loved him dearly and when not at the manor themselves, they wrote him letters.
Atsushi closed his eyes. The news came as no surprise to him. Only he could smell the difference in Asagi’s scent whenever he came to see him. Asagi tried to disguise his death perfume by arranging for more flowers to be in his rooms. At first he’d tried to have incense burned in his room at all hours but the smoke made him cough so badly that the doctor had forbidden the burning of incense in or near Asagi’s bedchamber.
Her voice shook as she spoke again. “Enjoy what little time you have left with Asagi for soon I shall have to bury him.” She sniffed, brushing her tears away. “Go… I will not hold you back from my son any longer.”
“Thank you,” Atsushi said softly, pausing near her to bow his head in appreciation. “You have always been kind although I am… not the proper wife that Asagi should have been with.” He knew Asagi should be married and have children of his own. Ill health had prevented him from living a regular life. Perhaps it was selfish, but Atsushi was grateful that Asagi lived in the country manor. If not for that, he would never have met Asagi. And if he had not met Asagi, where would he be now? Lonely and feeling empty somewhere? He didn’t want to think about it. He was here and so many wonderful things had happened because of it. Atsushi hadn’t expected to fall in love but knew his life was better for loving Asagi. And to his eternal shock, his mother had accepted him. Especially since his presence provided comfort for her son.
…Even though he was often the cause of Asagi’s pain.
“Why won’t you turn me?” the tortured voice echoed through his thoughts.
Atsushi sighed as he studied Asagi’s mother again. “I will come for you if he starts to feel worse.”
Asagi’s mother forced herself to smile but could not bring herself to speak. Atsushi quietly left, taking himself back to Asagi’s room where his lover waited. He heard coughing fits as he neared the room and started walking faster, quickly parting the shoji and stepping inside. The scent of death and roses greeted him, as it always did. Asagi was doubled over and coughing so violently it sounded like his lungs would break from the strain. Still he raised his head, smiling weakly as he saw Atsushi.
“You’re here,” he whispered, voice raspy from the coughs.
“I am.” Atsushi sat down next to him, biting his lip as he studied his lover. Asagi looked as if he was already at death’s door. “I bought you a gift when I visited the town.”
“You did?” Asagi blinked. “Oh, Atsu, you didn’t have to…”
Atsushi kissed his lover’s hair. “I wanted to.” He pulled the kimono out of his bag. “I saw it and knew I had to buy it for you.” The roses were perfect for Asagi. He watched his lover smile and Asagi reached out to run his fingers over the silk.
“It’s beautiful.”
Atsushi circled his arms around Asagi. “Beautiful like you.”
“Not now,” Asagi whispered. “I know… I know I look terrible. I know I’m dying.” He took a breath then looked up at Atsushi. To the vampire’s horror, Asagi’s eyes were bright with tears. “I don’t want to leave you. I know you’ll be alone… I know you’ll be miserable. But,” Asagi sniffed and closed his eyes to let the tears spill down his heated cheeks. “But you will not turn me. So many times I’ve asked you and still you refuse. I guess.. I was not able to be as good a lover to you as I tried.”
Atsushi flinched. Asagi had tried many tactics for getting what he wanted. This didn’t seem like an attempt to get Atsushi to bite him, but genuine remorse. “Oh, Asagi.” He held him tighter as he stroked his arm. “That's not true at all. You are perfect.”
“Then why?” Asagi’s voice cracked as he looked at him. “Aren’t you afraid to let me die?”
“Yes.”
“We could be together! I would be healthy. We could travel, watch the world change around us. I wouldn’t have to die and you wouldn’t have to be alone.”
Atsushi bit his lip as he studied Asagi’s face. He looked so desperate that it broke his heart to see him like this. “You know why. You know what I’ve shown you. You’ve seen me struggle… you’ve seen how I am tormented by what I am.” He reached out to brush Asagi’s dark hair back behind his ear. “And no matter how much I love you, I can’t condemn you to that fate.”
He was surprised when a defiant look crossed Asagi’s face. He watched, confused, as his young lover grasped his hand and held up his wrist. Once Atsushi realized what Asagi was doing, he tried to wrench away, but Asagi had already bitten him. The blood made him cough and Atsushi felt his lover’s bloody saliva on his wrist. It wasn’t as disturbing as seeing Asagi lower his wrist, lips and teeth red with his and Atsushi’s blood.
“See? I can bite. I can drink blood,” Asagi said softly. “I am used to seeing it.” He wiped his mouth on his sleeve then doubled over as he started coughing violently.
Atsushi bit his lip as he watched his dying lover. So desperate to become a monster… it pained him to see this.
* * *
As the doctor had warned, Asagi’s health continued throughout the night and the morning. He couldn’t sit up without feeling dizzy, his fever had risen throughout the night, and the doctor’s expression was grave when he came to tell them that Asagi likely would not live to see another day. Asagi’s mother had spent much of the day with her son. Atsushi had not had the heart to intrude so had waited until his mother went to bed before going to see his lover.
“By tomorrow I’ll be dead,” Asagi whispered, raising his gaze to his face when Atsushi entered the room. “Unless you save me.”
“Why do you continue to torment me with this?”
“Why won’t you turn me?” Asagi shot back. He started to cough again. Atsushi sighed and helped him sit up, rubbing his lover’s back and wincing as he felt how warm he was. This was terrible… but even more painful would be stealing Asagi’s humanity from him.
“So many times we’ve argued about this, my love. You know why.”
“I proved yesterday that I can bite. That I can drink blood. You could teach me how to be careful so that I don’t kill someone. We could live together and if you will make me a monster then we will be monsters together,” Asagi rasped.
Atsushi bit his lip so hard it bled. “You would hate being a vampire.”
“How do you know that? You have lived with me for three years but you do not know how I will react to being a vampire. I am kind and gentle, yes, but people can change. People can always change. And I want to live…” Asagi sniffed, drying his wet cheeks. “I want to live so badly and I don’t understand why you won’t give me a chance to live a life where I am not constantly weak.”
Atsushi winced at Asagi’s argument. “What if you hate what you are?”
“Vampires die in the sun. If I so despise my new life then I will step under the sun’s rays and end it.” Asagi looked at him and the passion in those eyes made Atsushi’s arguments seem so feeble. Asagi could live… he could try this life… and if he hated it, he could end it. It would be his decision and Atsushi wouldn’t have to watch his lover die. But would a vampire’s life bring more pain to Asagi? Atsushi didn't know. He was silent as he studied his lover, meeting those passionate eyes and envisioning Asagi as a vampire. The thought still repelled him… but it was not as painful as picturing him as a corpse being lowered into the ground.
“…All right,” he finally said.
Asagi’s eyes widened in shock. “What?”
“I will…” Atsushi swallowed. “I will make you a vampire.”
Asagi flung his arms around his neck and clutched him tightly, whispering words of gratitude. He started to cough again, head falling onto Atsushi’s chest as his body shook with his coughs. Asagi’s body was giving out.
“Is there anything you wish to say to your family…?”
“I have already said good night to my mother.” Asagi coughed again. “I never know if I will wake up and see her again so our good nights are also are goodbyes.” His fingers trembled as he brushed his hair back, looking up with feverish eyes. “I do not want my human life to end in this bedroom. I have spent so much time throughout my life confined in side these walls.” He took a shuddery breath. “Please, bite me in my rose garden.”
Atsushi could not refuse him. He gently gathered Asagi into his arms and carried him outside. The roses were beginning to wilt-just as their master was. It seemed only fitting that his human life would end in this garden. Atsushi sat beneath one of the rose bushes that Asagi had tended so dutifully when he was healthy. He watched his lover look around. Watched him reach out to touch a rose petal, fingers brushing over it as he smiled weakly.
“I wonder who will tend the roses when I’m gone,” he wondered.
Atsushi kissed his hair. “I’m sure someone will do it to honor your memory.” He drew back slightly to frame Asagi’s face in his hands, wanting to look at his lover as a human for just a little longer before he ended his life. Asagi studied him before turning away to cough.
“Hurry,” he rasped.
Atsushi leaned in to kiss his lover. Then he lowered his fangs to Asagi’s neck, sinking them into soft skin. This would be the last time he tasted Asagi’s sweet, mortal blood.
* * *
Atsushi turned his face up to the rain, closing his eyes as the drops washed the tears from his face. It was only right that the skies mourned for Asagi’s loss. Though he would live on as a vampire now, he would be changed. The old Asagi was dead and Atsushi would come for the new one after sunset. He let out a sigh then opened his eyes. Asagi’s dying wish had been for his grave to be placed in his rose garden. His mother could not deny his request. And so his funeral and burial took place beneath his beloved roses. It pained him to watch one of the servants filling the grave with dirt, covering Asagi’s coffin from view. So he turned to look at Asagi’s mother. It hurt just as much to watch her sob, clutching a rose to her chest while her bright rose was entombed in the earth.
“He is safe now,” Atsushi said softly as he laid his hand on her shoulder.
She did not speak. Only nodded, gripping the rose so tightly that blood began to drip down her fingers. Atsushi wanted to stop her but knew he should not interfere. She had just suffered a terrible loss. The pain caused by the thorns might help her cope with her emotions.
Atsushi smiled sadly then looked at the grave again. His love would not be in there for long. As soon as the sun set, Atsushi would dig up the grave. Then he would escape into the night with his beloved. He had already packed for the journey. He’d brought some of his paints, the rose kimono he’d bought for Asagi, and had wrapped some of Asagi’s most precious belongings in the kimono. There was little he could take with him, but it was important to bring a part of Asagi’s human life with him. So he would not lose himself entirely during the change.
* * *
Time seemed to crawl as Atsushi waited for sunset. He busied himself with packing and saying his goodbyes to Asagi’s mother, the doctor, and the servants. It hurt to leave the people he had stayed with for the last three years. They had been so kind to him. In a perfect world, he would have liked to stay longer, but he could not. He needed to retrieve Asagi’s body and me sure they were in a dark and secure place before he awakened.
Once the sun began to set, Atsushi finished his preparations to leave. This was the complicated part of his plan. No one could see him digging up Asagi’s body. So with everyone he passed, he persuaded them to rest. It had been a long and emotional day. They needed time to recover. Persuasion was one of a vampire’s many skills and something Atsushi tried to use only when he needed to. For tonight to be a success, persuasion was vital.
He could not suggest that every member of the manor rest. So he was cautious. He dressed in black and wore a black head covering to try to blend in with the shadows. He wore his pack already and had to briefly stop by the stables to take a shovel.
The earth gave in easily to the shovel as he started to dig. He dug quickly, glancing back every so often out of fear that he would be seen. If anyone from the manor saw him digging up Asagi’s grave… no, Atsushi had been too careful and too prepared for that to happen. If it did though, he would have to manipulate their memory so they would forget that they had seen him at the grave. Atsushi resumed digging. He froze when his shovel hit the simple coffin that housed Asagi’s body. Atsushi glanced around then leapt down into the grave. He opened the coffin and felt his still heart melt all over again at the sight of his lover. Asagi wore a white burial kimono and had a rose clasped between his fingers. He had been buried with roses as well, petals scattered over his hair and clothing. Asagi and his precious roses. Atsushi drank in his lover’s features for one more moment before shrugging off his pack. He could not stay. He pulled a black traveling cloak out and wrapped Asagi in it. It would be too easy to see Asagi’s white kimono in the night. Atsushi pulled his pack back on before lifting his lover into his arms. Tenderly, he kissed Asagi’s hair and leapt out of the grave. He set Asagi down then replaced the lid of the coffin. He quickly refilled the grave, smoothing over the dirt to avoid arousing suspicions. Then he lifted Asagi back into his arms.
Atsushi leaned down to kiss his lover’s hair. “I hope you will not regret this,” he whispered. He pressed Asagi closer and looked to the manor one last time before fleeing into the night.
Notes
1) I did have a few more one-shots planned with Atsushi and Asagi's travels together as vampires. I'm not sure if I'll end up writing it though.
2) As said in my most recent entry, I'm taking a break from fanfiction. I need to decide if I want to focus on something I can eventually publish or just keep playing with fanfiction. I don't know.