Life or Death 4/5
Title: Life or Death
Author: write_my_dreams
Pairing: Atsushi x Asagi
Genre: AU, vampires, historical, romance, angst
Warning/Disclaimer: Warning for illness and drama. Asagi and Atsushi do not belong to me. The universe, the character portrayals, and the writing do though.
Rating: PG
Chapters: 4/5
Summary: Atsushi is struggling to adapt to the new technologies of the Meiji Period and often hides out in the countryside where little has changed for the last century. Out in the country, he meets Asagi: a young and beautiful, but sickly, human who quickly wins his heart. When Asagi falls ill with a fatal disease Atsushi must decide between saving Asagi's life by turning him into a vampire or keeping him human and letting him slip into death.
Author's Comment: A lot of this chapter was written in my notebook. It's just taken me a while to get around to typing it. It was tricky at parts and I apologize if this chapter is terrible. I shouldn't be posting at 2 AM but it's either post now or not at all. And I've finally decided that this is going to be five chapters.
Loud coughing woke Atsushi from his slumber. Slowly he cracked his eyes open, frowning when he didn’t feel Asagi’s familiar warmth next to him. Where was he? Ah, there he was. Asagi was sitting in front of the window. One hand grasped the curtains, holding them back enough so that sunlight would shine on Asagi but wouldn’t reach Atsushi. His hand dropped from the curtain when he started coughing harder. Atsushi moved to sit next to Asagi, gently combing his fingers through his young lover’s hair. He wished there was more he could do. All he could do was provide comfort with his presence though.
“Do you need some water?”
Still coughing, Asagi shook his head.
Atsushi held back a sigh. It was instinct to offer his lover water or tea even though he knew that they wouldn’t do much for him. He wished the folk songs about magical cures for fatal wounds or diseases were real. Then he could save his lover and restore his health. Instead of watching him waste away. It had already been a week since the doctor’s visit and the terrible diagnosis. For the sake of the servants that had known and loved him since childhood, Asagi tried to be positive about his condition. Tried to be strong. The truth came out when he and Atsushi were alone. Asagi often cried himself to sleep in the vampire’s arms, sobbing about how he didn’t want to die. It’d taken him hours to write a letter to his family since he kept crying on the parchment. He knew his chances of survival were minimal.
Once the coughing spasm ended, Asagi took a harsh breath. “I wonder if I did something terrible in a past life,” he rasped.
Atsushi cast his lover a concerned look. Asagi, do something terrible? “What do you mean?”
“I’ve had poor health since my birth. That’s why,” Asagi swallowed, “I can’t help but wonder if this is punishment for something I did in a previous lifetime. To be given this frail body and die ravaged by disease.” His voice was so full of despair that Atsushi had to act. He pulled his lover into his lap, holding him tightly against his chest.
“Sh,” Atsushi whispered into his hair. “Don’t say such things.” How could someone as gentle and compassionate as Asagi have been a cruel soul worthy of punishment? It was unlikely as a vampire being able to walk under the sun.
Asagi drew breath to respond then started to cough again. Atsushi winced in sympathy at the sound of the deep, chest-rattling coughs. Hearing them was so painful. There was nothing he could do to help so he stroked Asagi’s back, biting his lip as he waited for the coughs to pass. “While you slept,” Asagi finally spoke in a rough voice. “I thought about… something.”
“About the possibility of you having been a villainous fiend in a past life?” Atsushi asked, hoping to bring a smile to Asagi’s lips.
“Not only that,” Asagi said quietly. He moved off of Atsushi’s lap then turned to face him. “I thought about becoming like you. A vampire. Free of disease, strong, healthy… I could stand by your side forever.”
Atsushi’s eyes widened in horror. Turn his sweet, innocent Asagi into a vampire? No! He would never condemn him to such a fate. It’d been different with his first love. Yuuki had been a soldier, accustomed to death and blood. Asagi, though, had never known combat. Only the war inside his own body.
“Atsu?” Asagi whispered.
“I can’t.” Atsushi shook his head violently. What Asagi asked of him was impossible. To condemn his precious lover to eternity as a vampire… he would never be able to do such a horrible thing. “You don’t understand what you’re asking for!”
“I’m asking you to save my life!” Asagi cried. “Or would you prefer to watch this disease consume me?”
Atsushi smoothed Asagi’s hair back then gave him a sad smile. “I wish there was a way to save you, my love, but I know you could not handle being a vampire. You’ve seen the pain I go through. When I told you I wasn’t mortal, you insisted that I feed only from you. But if you and I are both vampires then you will have no choice but to drink from strangers. Strangers will panic when they feel your fangs sinking into their skin. They’ll fight to get free, they’ll beg you to let them go.” Atsushi swallowed. “There will even be nights where you are so overcome with thirst that you drink too much and end up killing someone. You’ll leave a corpse behind. The body count will continue to rise with every year… sometimes I feel like I have left a mountain of corpses behind me. To be a vampire is to be an executioner cursed to a life of blood and darkness.” The words came out harsher than he’d intended, but Asagi needed to hear what the cost of being a vampire was. “You can’t live like that. So please, do not ask for something so terrible.”
Asagi’s eyes were troubled as he looked up at Atsushi. “So you,” a fit of coughing interrupted him. Atsushi reached out to rub his back, but Asagi would not allow it. “So you would rather see me dead?” his voice was raspy, eyes accusing as he studied his lover.
Atsushi flinched as if he’d been slapped. “Asagi… that is not what I want!”
“But you will not make me a vampire. Because you refuse to do so, that means you would rather see me dead.” Asagi shifted closer, grasping Atsushi’s shoulders tightly. “Tell me that my death is what you prefer!”
The vampire closed his eyes in pain. “Yes,” he whispered, voice cracking. “I would rather see you dead than watch you live on as a monster.” He didn’t want to see his lover’s expression so bowed his head, wishing he could close off his other senses so easily. He heard Asagi’s pulse quicken, heard his sharp intake of breath. Felt him recoil and stand.
“Then you do not love me as much as you claim to,” Asagi said quietly. “You have a way to save me but you will not do so.” He started coughing violently again. Atsushi opened his eyes, raising his head to look up at his lover. It killed him to watch him coughing like this. To know that a bite could spare his lover, but Atsushi had told him that it was impossible. He’d already condemned one sweet lover to a vampire’s life.
Asagi’s lips were flecked with blood by the time he finished coughing. There was a catch to his breath and his eyes were wet with tears. “See? You will not even answer me.”
Atsushi quickly stood and approached his lover. “You are human so you do not understand what you request of me! I love you so much, Asagi. I love you so much that I know you couldn’t handle being a vampire.”
“You turned your first lover!” Asagi shot back. “What makes me so different from Yuuki? You’ve lived with me just as you lived with him. I’ve seen what you go through. I’ve seen how you miss the sun, how the thirst torments you. Why did you turn him but refuse to turn me?”
Atsushi winced at the question. “You and Yuuki are very different. He was a soldier in his mortal years. I was also a young vampire then. I’d only been a vampire for six months when I met him. I didn’t know how difficult it would be to continue living on as a vampire. Yuuki was the first human to accept me as a vampire… and the first vampire I traveled with. Since then though, I’ve spent years alone. I know how to live with only myself for company.” He sighed as he studied his lover. “Losing you will be agony, Asagi, but it will hurt more if I turn you into a vampire.” He smiled sadly as he framed his lover’s beautiful face in his hands. Asagi tried to pull away but the vampire wouldn’t let him. Asagi needed to see that a vampire’s life was too high of a price to pay. Atsushi opened his mind and started sharing thoughts with Asagi. Aching thirst, fear of the world changing, his constant lust for blood, satisfaction and disgust as his fangs entered human flesh, pain when he realized he’d drunk too much and would now leave a corpse behind.
Gasping, Asagi wrenched away from him. Tears trailed down his cheeks as he trembled, wrapping his arms around himself. “This… this is what you live with?” he whispered.
Atsushi nodded gravely. “It is. And I hope you understand why I won’t condemn you to this life.” He reached out to brush Asagi’s tears away but his lover turned his back to him. The vampire frowned when Asagi headed towards the shoji. “Where are you going?”
“To my garden.”
“But you need rest,” Atsushi protested. He would only aggravate his poor health if he went walking around.
Asagi whirled to face him. “I am dying,” he snapped. “I want to spend the remainder of my life where I want to instead of confined to my chamber as I’ve done all my life. Do not follow me. I need time to think, and I wish to be alone.” He stormed out of the room.
Miserable, Atsushi sank to the floor. Though Asagi now understood that to be a vampire was to suffer, he knew they would quarrel about this until the end.
* * *
Three weeks had passed since their fight. Asagi’s condition had worsened and he spent most of his days confined to his chamber, as the doctor had ordered. Atsushi’s guess about their quarreling had been correct: Asagi was determined to leave his mortal life behind and become a vampire.
I can bear the pain if I am by your side. We could be together forever, my love. You will no longer have to travel alone…
How can you claim to love me if you will not save me?
Do you truly wish me dead?
Why won’t you turn me?
The questions so often came after a coughing fit. Asagi’s voice would be rough from the harsh coughs, blood often flecking his lips as he raised accusing eyes to meet Atsushi’s. Hearing those words and seeing that gaze always caused him pain. As much pain as watching Asagi’s body wither. He’d lost weight, often had fevers, and was constantly coughing. They’d fought again earlier and Atsushi was coming to his room with a cup of tea to try to make amends. Or was Asagi still too upset to speak with him? He’d tried to leave the room but had been so dizzy that he had to lie down, cheeks stained with tears as coughs racked his body. Atsushi had wanted to stay with him. To comfort him, but Asagi had told him to leave him alone.
Had enough time passed? Atsushi couldn’t tell. He hesitated outside the shoji, biting his lip at the smell of death and roses that greeted him. The change in Asagi’s scent had been subtle but now the death smell was stronger. Tuberculosis was consuming him and it was only a matter of time before Asagi’s body gave in to the disease. A terrible fact that both of them knew.
Finally, Atsushi entered the room. Asagi was sitting up now with several pillows behind him to prop him up. A letter was clasped in his hands but he raised his head as he heard Atsushi. Asagi was pale… always too pale… but he didn’t look upset to see his lover.
“I brought you some tea,” the vampire said softly.
Asagi set the letter aside. “My mother is coming to stay with us.”
“That’s good,” Atsushi said. Asagi needed to have his family with him. His father, brothers, and sisters had visited him at least once to say their goodbyes. They wanted to see Asagi while he was still strong enough to bear the presence of family and their pain. He sat down next to his lover and offered him the tea.
“Thank you.” Asagi took the tea. He sipped it slowly, lowering one hand from the cup to rub his chest. “My mother will stay until I die.”
Atsushi winced. “Maybe you’ll overcome this.”
Asagi snorted. “And maybe you will suddenly be able to walk in the sun.” He sipped the tea again.
Biting his lip, Atsushi moved closer. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Lovingly, he smoothed Asagi’s bangs back. His worry deepened when his fingers brushed his lover’s heated skin. “You have a fever.”
“It started earlier.” Asagi started to cough again, barely managing to set the tea down without spilling it on himself. Atsushi pulled his lover against his side to support him. Asagi fumbled for a handkerchief and pressed it to his lips. Atsushi cringed as he smelled blood. The coughs were usually bloody now.
Asagi slumped against him to catch his breath. Atsushi stroked his long hair and wished for the thousandth time that he could cure his lover without turning him into a vampire. Sweet, gentle Asagi couldn’t handle it. Just the visual of him hunting down a human for their blood killed Atsushi. He was adamant about keeping his lover human. Even if it meant losing him.
“Should I get you some water? Or the doctor?” Atsushi asked, circling his arms around his lover and holding him protectively.
Asagi shook his head. "Neither can save me from dying."
Atsushi flinched. He hated to hear Asagi talk about his death. "Don't talk like that."
"It's true," Asagi said softly, shifting to look up at him. "We both know I will die from this. Maybe next week... Maybe next month... maybe even tomorrow." He reached for the tea and finished. He took a breath then met Atsushi’s gaze. “Unless you turn me.”
“Asagi,” Atsushi protested. “You know I can’t.”
“No. You are perfectly able to do so… but you always refuse. I-” he started to cough again. He tried to shrug Atsushi’s hand off when he reached out to stroke his hair, but the vampire was determined not to be pushed away again. He needed to be here for his lover even if he was unhappy with him.
Notes
1) Writing this chapter was difficult because I didn't want to write them fighting. Boo. It was sad to have them bickering constantly and then to write about Asagi being so sick.
2) The decision will be made in the next chapter
3) The next chapter will be longer and I might end up splitting it into two parts or just making a separate chapter. I'm not sure. It'll have to depend on how long the chapter is.
4) I already have part of Chapter 5 written so it might not take forever to get posted. I will have it done before 2014 though!