Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
AN EPIC TALE: SARA VS. TWO SPIDERS
Our hero (me) returns home after a long day of toil and pain. I round the corner and approach my room when SUDDENLY! ATTACK! Two spiders each the size of my entire body (or at least the size of a half dollar with legs) launch an ambush! One defends the fort (the corner between the bookcase and the cabinet) while the scout approaches my bedroom.
With a heroic war cry (a high pitched scream of terror) I dive head first into my room. I grope around my room for a possible weapon while the scout stands frozen the doorway, obviously looking for the right moment to strike. Finally, I spot a large brick that I once used as a bookend/doorstop! Equipped with this and my trusty sword (a heavy wooden ruler) I approach my attacker.
I engage the enemy by throwing the brick at the scout with yet another (girly and terrified) war cry! After the initial slam of the brick striking the floor all is silent. The defender holds his position even in the face of this attack on his compatriot. With the greatest care I aproach the brick and lift it slowly. HORROR! The scout lives, and attempts to maul me (limp away)! I slam the brick back down. The defender is again unmoved. I lift the brick again. My attacker appears defeated, but to be sure I check his pulse (prod him with the ruler). DECEIVED! He lives! Again he attempts to wound me (sort of wiggles). Driven by the rage of betrayal, I slam the brick into him over and over while uttering yet another (extremely high pitched) scream of battle!
From far away my mother yells something like 'stop that noise!' I yell back 'Dearest mother, do not fear! I will defend our home from invasion and destruction!' (aka: 'Mom, god, I'm killing a spider!')
I check the enemy's pulse again. The scout appears truly dead, but, fearing further sabotage, I check his breathing as well (chop the body into small pieces with the ruler). The body twitches (gets stuck to the end of the ruler) and I utter an enraged shout (shriek), but it's a false alarm. Only the defender is left of this insidious mob.
Shaken but determined, our hero rises from the ground and takes up her mighty weapons. The eyes of the defender dart back and forth, but he holds his ground. His fortitude (existence) makes me pause, and in a well planed out preemptive strike (aka: blind move of sheer terror), I scream and hurl the brick in the defender's general direction. THWARTED! I miss. The attack however warns the defender of my intent and he attempts to make his escape through higher ground (behind the cabinet). I make a heroic dash (leap) to the other side of the cabinet and catch the defender trying to enter my room. While screaming something along the lines of 'LEARN WHAT IT IS TO DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE YOU BASTARD,YOU WILL NOW FACE JUSTICE!' (no seriously. that's a quote) I beat him with the brick. He joins his companion in the eternal realm (shoved behind my cabinet cause I'm to afraid to move the bodies to the trash) and I return to my room victorious!
Such is the tale of my brave conquest; this day shall live forever in infamy.
Our hero (me) returns home after a long day of toil and pain. I round the corner and approach my room when SUDDENLY! ATTACK! Two spiders each the size of my entire body (or at least the size of a half dollar with legs) launch an ambush! One defends the fort (the corner between the bookcase and the cabinet) while the scout approaches my bedroom.
With a heroic war cry (a high pitched scream of terror) I dive head first into my room. I grope around my room for a possible weapon while the scout stands frozen the doorway, obviously looking for the right moment to strike. Finally, I spot a large brick that I once used as a bookend/doorstop! Equipped with this and my trusty sword (a heavy wooden ruler) I approach my attacker.
I engage the enemy by throwing the brick at the scout with yet another (girly and terrified) war cry! After the initial slam of the brick striking the floor all is silent. The defender holds his position even in the face of this attack on his compatriot. With the greatest care I aproach the brick and lift it slowly. HORROR! The scout lives, and attempts to maul me (limp away)! I slam the brick back down. The defender is again unmoved. I lift the brick again. My attacker appears defeated, but to be sure I check his pulse (prod him with the ruler). DECEIVED! He lives! Again he attempts to wound me (sort of wiggles). Driven by the rage of betrayal, I slam the brick into him over and over while uttering yet another (extremely high pitched) scream of battle!
From far away my mother yells something like 'stop that noise!' I yell back 'Dearest mother, do not fear! I will defend our home from invasion and destruction!' (aka: 'Mom, god, I'm killing a spider!')
I check the enemy's pulse again. The scout appears truly dead, but, fearing further sabotage, I check his breathing as well (chop the body into small pieces with the ruler). The body twitches (gets stuck to the end of the ruler) and I utter an enraged shout (shriek), but it's a false alarm. Only the defender is left of this insidious mob.
Shaken but determined, our hero rises from the ground and takes up her mighty weapons. The eyes of the defender dart back and forth, but he holds his ground. His fortitude (existence) makes me pause, and in a well planed out preemptive strike (aka: blind move of sheer terror), I scream and hurl the brick in the defender's general direction. THWARTED! I miss. The attack however warns the defender of my intent and he attempts to make his escape through higher ground (behind the cabinet). I make a heroic dash (leap) to the other side of the cabinet and catch the defender trying to enter my room. While screaming something along the lines of 'LEARN WHAT IT IS TO DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE YOU BASTARD,YOU WILL NOW FACE JUSTICE!' (no seriously. that's a quote) I beat him with the brick. He joins his companion in the eternal realm (shoved behind my cabinet cause I'm to afraid to move the bodies to the trash) and I return to my room victorious!
Such is the tale of my brave conquest; this day shall live forever in infamy.