Week 4 - Journal Entry

[tharrow]

Title: The Day We Said Goodbye
Author: Tharrow
Exercise: Journal Entry
Word Count: 464
Characters/Pairings: Naruto Uzumaki
Warnings: Slight spoilers for later chapters?
Reflection: In this I wanted to explore Naruto's feelings on Hinata's confession and how he felt when he had to leave. I thought it was strange he would leave without seeking her out,

Comments

Critique 1/2

[weisquared]

Well I don't know if I'm going to be the one assigned to give you a detailed critique, but I had some extra time, so I thought I might as well do it just in case.

Overall, I really liked your choice of topic.  It bothered me too that the manga didn't address Naruto's response to Hinata's confession.  Even if he didn't reciprocate, common courtesy would at least require him to acknowledge it and turn her down instead of ignoring it.

My main criticism would be that the piece sounds much more like a "stream of consciousness" type piece than a journal entry.  For instance, you write "And now here we are... at the gates," but it's unlikely that Naruto was physically writing at that moment and unlikely he would phrase things that way if he were writing before/after, and the sentence structures seem much less like what people would write down.

A line by line critique is below:

I’ve always hated goodbyes. It wasn’t so much the actual parting as the finality behind that one word. Goodbye. (I like how you write "Goodbye" with a period behind it to show the "finality behind that one word.")

…So why did she have to say it? Why of all people (was she) the one that said those three words first…?  (I'd eliminate the ellipses before/after the sentence since they're not necessary and would be odd in a journal entry) Why is she the one to tell me that word? Why? Was it to drag up the events of that day so cruelly? (I'm not sure what events you're referring to here.)  Ha. What am I saying? Not her. Never her. Not the shy, little dark-haired girl that use to spy on me from behind trees and training poles.  (I like the reference to the manga with Hinata's spying as well as the alliteration in "trees and training poles")

Pein. Those words rang so clearly through the dust clouds of destruction.  (By writing "Pein" and then this sentence, it makes it sound like the "words" you're referring to is the name "Pein," instead of "I love you") I know Tou-san and Okaa-san probably said those words to me before they sacrificed themselves so I could live… but she’s the first in memory. Not Iruka. Not Kakashi. Her. Hinata. Hyuuga Hinata.  (It might just be my personal prejudice, but I think it's odd that you have Naruto repeating "three words" for "I love you," indicating that English is the language of this story, but then include non-English words for Father and Mother, indicating that it is Japanese.  I think it might be more consistent to either 1) Remove the Japanese words with easy English translations or 2) Remove the indications that this is taking place in English)

Even bleeding out and my chakra tying itself an unusable mess - those words - those three tiny words (made me) happy. Unbelievably happy. Happier than when Iruka gave me my headband. Happier than when Sasuke acknowledged me as his best friend.  (Again, I like the reference to important moments in Naruto's life)

But now… things are different… there’s a war I have to fight. A man I may have to kill… To save the world that I love… We can’t avoid that word. But I didn’t want to say it.  (I'm not sure what "word" you are referring to here.  The word war or kill?  Or the response to Hinata's confession?)

Critique 2/2

[weisquared]

When you said those words to me Hinata, it was like I’d never seen the sky before. (I couldn't tell if the switch to second person here was intentional due to Naruto getting more emotional or if it was unintentional)  This could be the last time I saw you for so long and I couldn’t say a word. I couldn’t tell you what your confession had made me feel - and instead I had to watch you leave me in the dust, bewildered and lost for words again like…like so many times before.  (I think this is a pretty good explanation for Naruto's lack of response.  It's a mirroring of Hinata's previous inability.)

You say you were always watching me, racing to catch up, so you could walk beside me. But did you realise that it was you Hinata, leaving me behind you racing to catch-up?  (I don't really understand how Hinata was leaving him behind in the past.  Currently, it could be argued that she's leaving him behind by speaking when he couldn't, but that doesn't apply to the past.)

I wonder a little why you chose me over all those other guys that would notice you. They’d realise just how special you are, how wonderful and kind. (I can't tell here if Naruto is saying that there are other guys that have already noticed her or if there are other guys that could in the future notice her, but there aren't others noticing her currently, or something else)  It makes me think of when we had that mission and I told you, you would make a good wife someday. (Again, I love how much you reference actual events in the series) You blushed so pink I thought you might explode in a rage like Sakura but instead you fainted. I realise now it was because I had inadvertently said something that well… sounded rather corny.

And now here we are… at the gates, me being shunted off to some island to meet the mysterious Bee and you… who knows what will happen to you? What if Madara attacks the village?! That’s the thought that haunts my everyday waking dreams and that chases me round in circles all night in restless sleep.  (It seems a little odd for Naruto to be having "waking dreams" since there is no indication of that currently, and it's somewhat a serious thing to be having.  Perhaps change it to "haunts me while awake and that chases..." or explain more?)

And now… now it’s…

The day we say goodbye.  (I like how your ending references back the beginning of the piece.  It ties it together nicely.)

Re: Critique 2/2

[tharrow]

I just wanted to say thankyou for taking the time and that this has really helped me!

It is mean't to be somewhat abstract because to me Naruto has the kind of mind that jumps all over the place and that was what would be reflected in writing. By leaving him behind, Naruto meant that in some ways she's stronger than him because she's always seeing and believing in him in a way no one else really has or that he has ever done in anyone else.