There's a lot of very good writing in this, with such a high level of observation, of details, that make it seem very real, very accessible to the reader, and I like the arc of it.
I might quibble at a couple of word choices that I'm not sure are meant or just careless: "presented herself" where "prepared herself" seems a better fit, "blandly submit" where previously mentioned nervousness doesn't seem bland at all, "delicated in his approach" instead of "delicate"?
I might ask to sharpen it, condense and intensify the imagery. It's a nicely written vignette. It might be more. You also have "mermaid on a rock" and "it was like being in the sea" and I expected more of a connection between those, something reconnecting with that at the end, but there wasn't.
That was one of the best critiques I have ever received. Everything I paused over you picked up on - whether to go strongly into the mermaid thing or not, as well as the word choices (apart from the typo "delicate"). When I revise this, I will do so with your critique in mind.
hello ! i agree with everything the previous commenter said. also, why 'boyish-looking' and not simply 'boyish' ?
you also lost me here: "When one was with her one felt that you were missing out on a large part of things. It didn’t look the same as up on the screen, but it still smiled and asked or answered things. It still did something funny to you, like we weren’t really talking at all and what was happening was deeper, stronger, older."
it isn't clear to me exactly what 'it' you're referring to is. but that could just be me.
Hi! I will change "boyish-looking" if I decide to add to this, although really it is more of an exercise than anything else ... "it" can be love, sexuality, or womanhood - I could change it to "did something funny to your stomach" to make this more clear ...
my writing is going ok ! i'm working on a novel at the moment. i closed down loveletters, it wasn't taking off and it wasn't one of my priorities any more !
This bit here is awkward--you change POV from 'one' to 'you' a few times in it:
When one was with her one felt that you were missing out on a large part of things. It didn’t look the same as up on the screen, but it still smiled and asked or answered things. It still did something funny to you, like we weren’t really talking at all and what was happening was deeper, stronger, older.
I'd consider changing it to first-person. Using 'one' gives it too formal a feeling, and using 'you' is presumptuous, because the narrator is presuming to know how 'you' would think or feel.
I think you should also be more precise in what you're trying to say.
You're talking about two different 'it's' here. 'Missing out on things' could be made more precise.
I would also change 'blood flow' to 'circulation,' as 'blood flow' makes me think of menstruation, when what Fellows really wants to know is whether she's going numb anywhere.
This was a neat piece--unusual, and detailed. Thanks for sharing it.
I'd cut the opening sentence to "The young woman looked nervous." Let the scene reveal itself a bit at a time, which the rest of the opening paragraph accomplishes.
Agree with another comment that suggested it would be smoother if it was all in first-person.
I love the awkwardness. Did you do that on purpose? It suites the situation. Are you going to turn this into a longer story? You could develop the characters more and have it evolve into something deeper. I really like this.
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I might quibble at a couple of word choices that I'm not sure are meant or just careless: "presented herself" where "prepared herself" seems a better fit, "blandly submit" where previously mentioned nervousness doesn't seem bland at all, "delicated in his approach" instead of "delicate"?
I might ask to sharpen it, condense and intensify the imagery. It's a nicely written vignette. It might be more. You also have "mermaid on a rock" and "it was like being in the sea" and I expected more of a connection between those, something reconnecting with that at the end, but there wasn't.
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you also lost me here: "When one was with her one felt that you were missing out on a large part of things. It didn’t look the same as up on the screen, but it still smiled and asked or answered things. It still did something funny to you, like we weren’t really talking at all and what was happening was deeper, stronger, older."
it isn't clear to me exactly what 'it' you're referring to is. but that could just be me.
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How's your writing going at the moment?
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my writing is going ok ! i'm working on a novel at the moment. i closed down loveletters, it wasn't taking off and it wasn't one of my priorities any more !
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When one was with her one felt that you were missing out on a large part of things. It didn’t look the same as up on the screen, but it still smiled and asked or answered things. It still did something funny to you, like we weren’t really talking at all and what was happening was deeper, stronger, older.
I'd consider changing it to first-person. Using 'one' gives it too formal a feeling, and using 'you' is presumptuous, because the narrator is presuming to know how 'you' would think or feel.
I think you should also be more precise in what you're trying to say.
You're talking about two different 'it's' here. 'Missing out on things' could be made more precise.
I would also change 'blood flow' to 'circulation,' as 'blood flow' makes me think of menstruation, when what Fellows really wants to know is whether she's going numb anywhere.
This was a neat piece--unusual, and detailed. Thanks for sharing it.
Chantal
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Agree with another comment that suggested it would be smoother if it was all in first-person.
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