Assault on the Be-Mine Fields: Love in the Bargain Bin
This is one of two Valentine's Day specials that I am publishing in my campus paper amongst other regional magazines. It is here for your viewing entertainment although constructive criticism is always welcome so long as it follows the keyword: constructive. Enjoy!
It didn't take long after Christmas for Kay Jewelers, Zales, and DeKoch Diamonds to start preaching the upcoming doom to males across the nation that if they didn't buy they significant other a super-kewl diamond thingy for Valentines Day they'd be forever destined to sleep on the couch. This is ironic since the same marketing people scared males into getting the same piece of jewelry (only snowflake shaped) just three weeks prior for Christmas. Rockstar Games said it best, “Nothing says 'I love you' like a lump of carbon mined by wage laborers in Angola.” Unfortunately, the trouble doesn't end there. What was once a day to commemorate the martyrdom of the Valentine of Rome has now become a “Hallmark Holiday” to endorse bland romance with sheer commercialism (damn you Chaucer!). Now anyone with a significant other (by that I mean primarily males) must franticly search for the perfect gift for a person that didn't ask for anything, but probably expects something anyway.
Fortunately for the consumer, corporate America understands this problem all too well. With modern mechanization, corporate America mass produces enough candy hearts to hurl into the sun thus creating a fiery love quasar. From a 10lb Hershey's Kiss to lingerie that sings “Like a Virgin,” the American consumer has a plethora (sweet, “plethora” is in my spell chequer!) of items to choose from. Unfortunately, like the Ford Edsel, some gift ideas just end in failure as many people try too hard to impress while others don't try at all. More often than not, the giver will give the wrong gift(s) thus ruining their chances of getting snu-snu. Like breast cancer, this applies to both genders.
One of the most common mistakes a person will make is they put too much stock in something elaborate when something simple would suffice. An in-depth, highly scientific grassroots survey I conducted (comprised of the one waitress I interviewed at the diner I was brainstorming at) shows people prefer just being remembered or having something done for them as opposed to being harassed for what they want or being forgotten. For example, a single rose as opposed to a bouquet is not only cheaper but more personal so long as the rose is not black tied with a red bow; you're not Erik the Phantom... or The Crow for that matter.
While simple gifts often work, others prove counterproductive. While chocolate is an actual aphrodisiac for women, the self-conscious-Paris-Hilton physical standards in American society mandate that all women not adhering to Barbie doll appearance will consider themselves grossly over overweight and compare themselves to the exhibits as SeaWorld. Another gift item that always puzzles me is the teddy bear... I mean, why give him/her something to cuddle with when you should be doing that yourself? The thing probably has asbestos or “excessive levels of lead” in it since it's made in China. While the thought of your significant other trying to burn an asbestos bear after the breakup is grimly amusing, it generally should be avoided. Gopher gear is also ill advised as it tends to lead to a slow death, but not death by snu-snu.
Despite the absurdness of teddy bears and singing underpants (they're great at weddings BTW), the worst thing you can do about Valentines Day is do nothing. Aside from waking up next to coyote ugly, being forgotten in one the largest fears in anyone and Valentine's Day amplifies this feeling even more so. However, if you ever find yourself being forgotten by your significant other on V-Day, just pull a Hillary Clinton and start crying. If it can win her New Hampshire, imagine what it can do with his/her heart!
Just remember that Valentine's Day is nothing but Hallmark's reminder to express feelings you should have been doing anyway. You don't need a holiday to remind your significant other of your feelings, but throwing in a little extra never hurts... unless it's diamonds. “Diamonds; she'll pretty much have to!” Giggity, giggity... alright!!
It didn't take long after Christmas for Kay Jewelers, Zales, and DeKoch Diamonds to start preaching the upcoming doom to males across the nation that if they didn't buy they significant other a super-kewl diamond thingy for Valentines Day they'd be forever destined to sleep on the couch. This is ironic since the same marketing people scared males into getting the same piece of jewelry (only snowflake shaped) just three weeks prior for Christmas. Rockstar Games said it best, “Nothing says 'I love you' like a lump of carbon mined by wage laborers in Angola.” Unfortunately, the trouble doesn't end there. What was once a day to commemorate the martyrdom of the Valentine of Rome has now become a “Hallmark Holiday” to endorse bland romance with sheer commercialism (damn you Chaucer!). Now anyone with a significant other (by that I mean primarily males) must franticly search for the perfect gift for a person that didn't ask for anything, but probably expects something anyway.
Fortunately for the consumer, corporate America understands this problem all too well. With modern mechanization, corporate America mass produces enough candy hearts to hurl into the sun thus creating a fiery love quasar. From a 10lb Hershey's Kiss to lingerie that sings “Like a Virgin,” the American consumer has a plethora (sweet, “plethora” is in my spell chequer!) of items to choose from. Unfortunately, like the Ford Edsel, some gift ideas just end in failure as many people try too hard to impress while others don't try at all. More often than not, the giver will give the wrong gift(s) thus ruining their chances of getting snu-snu. Like breast cancer, this applies to both genders.
One of the most common mistakes a person will make is they put too much stock in something elaborate when something simple would suffice. An in-depth, highly scientific grassroots survey I conducted (comprised of the one waitress I interviewed at the diner I was brainstorming at) shows people prefer just being remembered or having something done for them as opposed to being harassed for what they want or being forgotten. For example, a single rose as opposed to a bouquet is not only cheaper but more personal so long as the rose is not black tied with a red bow; you're not Erik the Phantom... or The Crow for that matter.
While simple gifts often work, others prove counterproductive. While chocolate is an actual aphrodisiac for women, the self-conscious-Paris-Hilton physical standards in American society mandate that all women not adhering to Barbie doll appearance will consider themselves grossly over overweight and compare themselves to the exhibits as SeaWorld. Another gift item that always puzzles me is the teddy bear... I mean, why give him/her something to cuddle with when you should be doing that yourself? The thing probably has asbestos or “excessive levels of lead” in it since it's made in China. While the thought of your significant other trying to burn an asbestos bear after the breakup is grimly amusing, it generally should be avoided. Gopher gear is also ill advised as it tends to lead to a slow death, but not death by snu-snu.
Despite the absurdness of teddy bears and singing underpants (they're great at weddings BTW), the worst thing you can do about Valentines Day is do nothing. Aside from waking up next to coyote ugly, being forgotten in one the largest fears in anyone and Valentine's Day amplifies this feeling even more so. However, if you ever find yourself being forgotten by your significant other on V-Day, just pull a Hillary Clinton and start crying. If it can win her New Hampshire, imagine what it can do with his/her heart!
Just remember that Valentine's Day is nothing but Hallmark's reminder to express feelings you should have been doing anyway. You don't need a holiday to remind your significant other of your feelings, but throwing in a little extra never hurts... unless it's diamonds. “Diamonds; she'll pretty much have to!” Giggity, giggity... alright!!