I am more absent than not, I know. I am reading through some of the stuff to see what I can do as far as crits go right now, becuase its not fair to do otherwise
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I decree that this needs proper punctuation and grammar before anyone can even approach it as a poem.
"All's thats" doesn't make any sense. You mean "All that's".
"What's rightfully owned". You need an apostrophe in contractions, even in poetry.
"Lean to take what's rightfully owned and not urgent egotistical wants" doesn't make sense grammatically.
Your last line is a run-on sentence, comma splice to be exact. You need a semi-colon or a period there.
And it's "Dysfunction".
Beyond that. . .
I think you are "telling" too much here. This is what is left if you take out all your adjectives:
Removal from words All's thats left is griping Learn to take whats owned and not wants Fixc the faults but love the flaws, imperfections are not the answer to disfunction.
Bland, right? Make these words stronger on their own, without tacking adjectives on. Brevity is an important part of poetry, and adjectives weigh it down needlessly.
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"All's thats" doesn't make any sense. You mean "All that's".
"What's rightfully owned". You need an apostrophe in contractions, even in poetry.
"Lean to take what's rightfully owned and not urgent egotistical wants" doesn't make sense grammatically.
Your last line is a run-on sentence, comma splice to be exact. You need a semi-colon or a period there.
And it's "Dysfunction".
Beyond that. . .
I think you are "telling" too much here. This is what is left if you take out all your adjectives:
Removal from words
All's thats left is griping
Learn to take whats owned and not wants
Fixc the faults but love the flaws, imperfections are not the answer to disfunction.
Bland, right? Make these words stronger on their own, without tacking adjectives on. Brevity is an important part of poetry, and adjectives weigh it down needlessly.
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