So at what point exactly did Chuck Palahniuk and Douglas Adams gay procreate, and why isn't it recorded?
I like it a good bit. I think the brevity of it is at once appealing and distracting. You introduce a lot of ideas in a short amount of time, and while the haphazardness of the event can definitely be seen in the writing structure, I feel like you could have expounded in at least a few places and left me with a better taste in my mouth.
So what does the Milky Way turning to cheese look like? Better description could make this piece a favorite of mine. I really like the idea, and these "crazy" pieces always interested me. ;)
So at what point exactly did Chuck Palahniuk and Douglas Adams gay procreate, and why isn't it recorded?
That's like, the best compliment ever. :)
I could get into more "seriously crazy" writing, that was just to see if I had any hope of being remotely good at it. I could probably use the theme in a longer piece but I don't think I'll be rewriting that one as such.
I'm sorry, I really don't get this. What, exactly, are you going for? The opening to a short story? Is this supposed to be self-contained?
Maybe it would be more productive for you to ignore this for a couple weeks then return to it, revise it a little, then solicit critique. Because I just feel like there's something I should know, but don't, that would make all the difference.
As I said, it's just a little scribble in which I was trying to be fun. Oh well, you aren't the only one not getting it apparently. I'll try to write something better next time...
Sounds like you're telling the story from Lily's point of view, up until the last two lines when you switch. Maybe indicate this is from Brian's POV somewhere near the beginning.
Also, the second line doesn't quite logically follow from the first. Sounds like you're saying Lily was going insane BECAUSE some things in the universe just didn't happen. That's easily fixed, of course.
Ultimately I feel that this is way too long for its punch line. Either make it shorter or throw in a few more jokes. Or, best, make the punchline funnier by building up to it. Perhaps how you could do this would to be to make it clear throughout that Brian is homophobic and/or sees himself as particularly "straight-looking" (give examples how), and then...
Sounds like you're telling the story from Lily's point of view, up until the last two lines when you switch. Maybe indicate this is from Brian's POV somewhere near the beginning.
That should have kicked me in the face while I read over it, but it didn't. I should watch out and try not to make things confusing like that again.
i can't write funny things at alljourneys__endApril 5 2007, 03:08:58 UTC
So I kind of dig the idea of there are things in the universe that don't happen. And I actually kind of like the idea of calling this boy gay is just something you don't do.
However, it's too short. We know nothing about the characters. All we know about Lily, whose view who are supposedly seeing through, is that she's called "rational bitch." Therefore, there is irony in the fact that she's so rational yet said a completely irrational thing.
Then there's even more irony because Brian Smith (way too generic a name, by the way) actually did look gay.
Is the point supposed to be that he is gay? Or he isn't? Or that it doesn't matter? The point is lost with the brevity of the piece.
I'd say expand it, give the characters more, and then we'll see if it gets more funny. =]
Re: i can't write funny things at alllufia_vs_erimApril 6 2007, 23:10:54 UTC
Well, for how long can you tell a single joke, though? I could try to write something longer from scratch and use the same joke in it again, I suppose...
I disagree with just about everyone, because I don't think this piece should be a single word longer than it already is. Rather, I think you need to go back and iron out all the kinks. Think of yourself as one of those big ol' construction things that go along a recently-paved road to make it smooth and shiny. That's what you need to do to your prose: get rid of all the little juxtapositions of words that make us trip and stumble. We need to be able to read this quickly and read this smoothly and it'll be much more powerful.
You do, however, need to clarify the point-of-view. Is this whole thing that gay guy's observation that Lily's going insane? And are all these impossible things actually happening or is it just the narrator's imagination running wild at the thought of Lily's insanity? This sort of clarification, of course, is a part of the bulldozing I mentioned in the first paragraph.
Good start, though, and I don't think you should give up humor for so much as a day let alone centuries to come.
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I like it a good bit. I think the brevity of it is at once appealing and distracting. You introduce a lot of ideas in a short amount of time, and while the haphazardness of the event can definitely be seen in the writing structure, I feel like you could have expounded in at least a few places and left me with a better taste in my mouth.
So what does the Milky Way turning to cheese look like? Better description could make this piece a favorite of mine. I really like the idea, and these "crazy" pieces always interested me. ;)
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That's like, the best compliment ever. :)
I could get into more "seriously crazy" writing, that was just to see if I had any hope of being remotely good at it. I could probably use the theme in a longer piece but I don't think I'll be rewriting that one as such.
Thanks for the tips.
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Maybe it would be more productive for you to ignore this for a couple weeks then return to it, revise it a little, then solicit critique. Because I just feel like there's something I should know, but don't, that would make all the difference.
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Also, the second line doesn't quite logically follow from the first. Sounds like you're saying Lily was going insane BECAUSE some things in the universe just didn't happen. That's easily fixed, of course.
Ultimately I feel that this is way too long for its punch line. Either make it shorter or throw in a few more jokes. Or, best, make the punchline funnier by building up to it. Perhaps how you could do this would to be to make it clear throughout that Brian is homophobic and/or sees himself as particularly "straight-looking" (give examples how), and then...
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That should have kicked me in the face while I read over it, but it didn't. I should watch out and try not to make things confusing like that again.
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However, it's too short. We know nothing about the characters. All we know about Lily, whose view who are supposedly seeing through, is that she's called "rational bitch." Therefore, there is irony in the fact that she's so rational yet said a completely irrational thing.
Then there's even more irony because Brian Smith (way too generic a name, by the way) actually did look gay.
Is the point supposed to be that he is gay? Or he isn't? Or that it doesn't matter? The point is lost with the brevity of the piece.
I'd say expand it, give the characters more, and then we'll see if it gets more funny. =]
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You do, however, need to clarify the point-of-view. Is this whole thing that gay guy's observation that Lily's going insane? And are all these impossible things actually happening or is it just the narrator's imagination running wild at the thought of Lily's insanity? This sort of clarification, of course, is a part of the bulldozing I mentioned in the first paragraph.
Good start, though, and I don't think you should give up humor for so much as a day let alone centuries to come.
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I'll need to keep that image in mind for my future writings.
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